Diva Dirt’s “Would-Be” Bond Girls

With the American release of Quantum of Solace occurring tomorrow (Melanie and her European chums have had the movie for two weeks now), I’ve felt inspired to ponder which Divas could fill the shoes of the ever-fabled Bond girls. Of course, there’s more to these alluring women than sex appeal (well, most of the time, anyways..), so I’ve chosen Divas that could most effectively put their own spin on being James Bond’s right-hand woman. Really, who’s better than the femme fatales from the WWE? And with names like “Holly Goodhead” and “Pussy Galore”, you know they share a common ground on gimmicky aliases. We’ve provided existing Bond girls that are similar in style or persona to the chosen Divas, along with the highly scientific “Would Sleep With Bond” factor, rated 0-10: would they be as easily seduced as many of the Bond girls are, or do they have the moral fiber to resist? So, without further adieu, enjoy the list!

Beth Phoenix • Everyone knows the most effective Bond girls are tough as nails, and who’s tougher than Beth? Granted, she has a slightly more masculine demeanor than your usual waif-thin gun-wielding girls, but it would be a unique sight to see such a muscular woman be both sexy and able to go blow-for-blow with Bond’s enemies (or Bond himself!).
Most similar to: MayDay from A View to Kill (1985), an evil and outrageous henchwoman whom Bond chases up the Eiffel Tower, only for her to escape via skydiving. Once betrayed by her contact, she gives her life to stop the villain’s plan. She is played by Grace Jones.
“Would Sleep With Bond” Factor (0-10): 3. Santino may have charmed her, but it seems like Beth would be more business-minded than most. If Bond made a pass at her, she would probably deck him, and that would be that.

Brie & Nikki Bella • Two heads are better than one, they say. With two women at his side (or combatting him), Bond would have quite an interesting adventure. Maybe they could even play the old “switcheroo” to fool their foes and get the best of anyone they so choose. Brains would trump brawn, in this case.
Most similar to: Tiffany Case from Diamonds Are Forever (1971), a sly diamond smuggler who often changes her appearance to outwit others. Eventually, her occupation and trickery lands her in more trouble than she had imagined. She is played by Jill St. John.
“Would Sleep With Bond” Factor (0-10): 6. We don’t know much about the Bellas just yet, but if sister loyalty came first, as I expect, they’d stick together and likely keep Bond away as long as possible.

Candice Michelle • Candice has always been the WWE’s resident sexpot, ever alluring and able to draw the attention of any male spectator. She’s not helpless to defend herself, of course, but if looks could kill, she’d be well equipped to deal out a few death certificates.
Most similar to: Jinx from Die Another Day (2003), a sexy, hard-nosed NSA agent whom aides Bond and vice versa throughout the film. She recreated the famed slow motion “Honey Rider” walking-out-of-the-ocean shot in an eye-catching bikini. She is played by Halle Berry.
“Would Sleep With Bond” Factor (0-10): 10. Hey, we did call her a “sexpot”..

Layla • Bond could always use a fellow Brit to tag along in his escapades. And with her sly attitude, one would never know her true intentions. She is prone to double-crossing, after all – just ask Jamie Noble..
Most similar to: Elektra King from The World is Not Enough (1999), a woman who fools Bond into thinking she is on his side (and in love with him) for much of the film, only to double-cross him coldly. Without hesitation, Bond kills her in retribution. She is played by Sophie Marceau.
“Would Sleep With Bond” Factor (0-10): 9. If she’s anything like Elektra, she’d seduce Bond in her quest to double-cross him, so even though it’d be by her doing, the deed would still be done.

Maria • Unfortunately for her, Maria may be best known for her “ditz” gimmick. Heck, whatever makes you unique! Perhaps she could use that to her advantage, playing dumb whilst double-crossing her enemies. Then again, she could be just short on brain cells. It doesn’t always have to be complicated, after all..
Most similar to: Mary Goodnight from The Man With the Golden Gun (1974), Bond’s contact who, while beautiful, can be quite inept at times. She is largely a comic relief character, which in a sense sets her apart from the others. She is played by Britt Ekland.
“Would Sleep With Bond” Factor (0-10): 8. Her character wouldn’t be the brightest Crayon in the box, so she probably wouldn’t have much in the way of artful resistance..

Maryse • Try and tell me you hear Maryse’s sultry French accent you don’t think of one of those exotic women Bond encounters in his journeys spanning the globe. Perhaps 007 could take a trip to France and come face to face with a certain mysterious, blonde Parisian woman. You never know what she could be capable of!
Most similar to: Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye (1995), a beautiful KGB assassin who gets into a very memorable fight with Bond in a steam room and is known to crush men with her thighs (I swear to God, no lie). She is played by Famke Janssen.
“Would Sleep With Bond” Factor (0-10): 7. She could be too busy trying to kill him, but there’s always time, right?

Melina • With her seemingly permanent foul mood, Melina would make a perfect foe for Bond. Then again, she has been known to use people for her benefit, so perhaps she could befriend him for her own gain. One thing’s for sure – Melina is fiercely loyal to her true friends (as few and far between they may be), and would stop at nothing to have things done her way.
Most similar to: Melina Havelock (aptly named, eh?) from For Your Eyes Only (1981), a woman out for revenge following the murders of her parents. She aides Bond along the way as well, of course. She is played by Carole Bouquet.
“Would Sleep With Bond” Factor (0-10): 4. A revenge-minded woman rarely thinks of anything else, so unless there’s a detour, Bond might not bed her.

Mickie James • Her peppy attitude could counter Bond’s cool and calm demeanor, perhaps for laughs. In the deadly and dangerous world of secret agents, having a woman who can be a true ally with an optimistic and possibly even cheery outlook would be quite the change, and Mickie is the woman for the job.
Most similar to: Wai Lin from Tomorrow Never Dies (1997), a Chinese agent who is on the same mission as Bond, aiding him along the way even though she is actually competing with him to complete the case. The two work spectacularly as a team, and Lin is anything but a mere female companion, never hung up on the sexual tension. She is played by Michelle Yeoh.
“Would Sleep With Bond” Factor (0-10): 5. If they’re teammates in work, chances are the actual friendship wouldn’t go the way of Bond’s usual meaningless flings.

Personally, I’m bummed that I couldn’t find a Diva similar to Vesper Lynd from Casino Royale, but she is arguably the best Bond girl, so maybe the Divas just don’t measure up. Are there any you think we missed, or is your favorite listed above? Vote in the poll below and sound off in the comments! Be sure to state their name Bond, James Bond style. *cues Bond theme*

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