The Tiffany Guide to Impact: Business Just Picked Up…Kinda

With Knockouts pushed into the headlines and into the unemployment line this week, this has proven to be a rather dim past several days for TNA.  In an effort to boost the Knockouts’ morale, the Tiffany Guide makes its long-awaited return – still finding a way into your hearts via a computer screen and still bringing in more ratings than Impact!

This week, the Original Knockout Traci Brooks takes on The Future Legend Alissa Flash.

As the very dashing Alissa Flash makes her way to the ring, it’s a wonder why she’s all covered up.  Here I thought the Raisha Saeed gimmick was dropped weeks ago.  Why so not flashy, Miss Flash?

Trish, I mean, Marys- erm, I mean Traci saunters into the ring and the match goes underway.  What starts off as a shoving competition turns into a test of strength as Traci is bullied into the corner.  Alissa retaliates with a corner foot choke and a swift kick to the arm.  Traci tries to discourage Alissa’s advances, but Alissa catches her with a few more shots.  Alissa targets the damaged arm with an arm wrench and then a shoulder breaker.  The onslaught continues with a Complete Shot (reverse STO) and an armbar.  Traci quickly taps out, and Alissa picks up the win.  As Alissa Flash celebrates her victory, Traci Brooks takes offense to the Future Legend’s cerebral tactics and blindsights her after the match.

While this was a brief match-up, I was impressed with the amount of character both ladies were able to exude in the allotted time slot.  While Alissa continues to prove her clout as the Future Legend, Traci refuses to succumb to the inevitable black hole that was predicted to become of her career post the Playboy de-push.  It was a decent showing for both competitors.  Besides, a little emotion never hurt anyone.  If anything, it would be a refreshing change to see a heel vs. heel rivalry spell out of this.  Though, all things considered, it will most likely be dropped.  This is TNA, after all.

Next in Knockout action pits ODB, Sarita, Taylor Wilde, and Tara against the Beautiful People (Velvet Sky/Madison Rayne/Lacey von Erich) and Awesome Kong.

Tara and Madison Rayne start off the match.  Madison Rayne dazzles us with her best Terri Runnels/Rick Rude impression.  Though, her showboating is short-lived as Tara takes her down into a bridging chin lock submission.  Instead of capitalizing, Tara opts to make the tag out to Taylor Wilde.  With a Double Axle Handle from the top, Taylor sustains the arm wrench maneuver.  The babyface team continues to cut the ring in half as Sarita gets tagged in.  Taylor lays Madison out on the mat with a rolling fireman’s carry slam.  She then assists her partner Sarita with a moonsault.  There appears to be some hesitance in the move (as with a good handful of Taylorita’s unrefined offense); Taylor is not tall enough to assist her partner into that particular maneuver flawlessly.  Nonetheless, Madison kicks out of the pinning predicament and makes a quick tag out to Lacey von Erich.  Take a good look at your (possible) next Knockouts Champion, folks!

Taz’s anticlimactic response, “Business just picked up…kinda,” perfectly describes Lacey’s rather half-assed attempt to lock up with Sarita.  Lacey attacks Sarita in the corner and seems at a brief loss as to what to do next.  The action finally picks up when Sarita the Hedgehog fluidly dodges Lacey’s offense.  However, Lacey catches her with a boot to the midsection and covers her for a 2-count.  Lacey leads Sarita into the opposing corner, and a tag to Velvet is seemingly made as Impact fades to commercial. (Smart move, TNA)

Back from the break, we see Velvet take the fight to her imminent opponent at Turning Point.  Velvet takes a moment to knock her other competition off the ring apron, giving Sarita the opportunity to avoid her advances and respond with a front dropkick of her own.  Both Sarita and Velvet tag out.  In comes the current Knockouts champion who takes out the legal lady, Madison Rayne, as well as her beautiful counterparts.  ODB then unleashes the fury (behind the push-up bra) upon both Velvet and Madison.  Velvet then suffers a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy – a private panty exhibition from ODB.  Which goes to prove that some of Victoria’s secrets are best kept unbeknown.

With a fallaway slam to Madison Rayne followed by a kip-up, ODB falls into a clothesline delivered by Lacey von Erich from behind.  Lacey tries her luck with Tara, but suffers a slap straight to the kisser for her troubles.  Tara gets rather overexcited and walks right into a cheap shot from Awesome Kong.  Kong coerces a tag from Madison Rayne and immediately begins to produce carnage in the center of the ring.  Meanwhile, Taylor Wilde flies into Awesome Kong like an ill-fated bird into a properly waxed Plexiglas window.  Kong attempts to put Taylor away with the Awesome Bomb, but Taylor counters.  Landing on her feet, she tries for a few shots, but Kong captures her and spins her into a dynamic Implant Buster.  With no chance of kicking out, Taylor Wilde is pinned for the 3-count.

As the Beautiful People celebrate their victory, Lacey von Erich’s attempts to share the love with Kong are squandered by her beautiful comrades who pull her to safety.

This is nothing unlike what we’ve seen from the Knockouts lately, but for what it’s worth, this match did its job of creating some tension going into Turning Point.  As far as the Tara/Kong feud goes, I’ve been requesting an end to this plot for what seems like an eternity.  The ball is prepared to fall into either court, really.  In comparison, the Beautiful People haven’t been made to look very strong going into their match against Sarita/Taylor and ODB.  Moreover, Lacey von Erich hasn’t made too many strides as far as her ring work goes.  While the possibility of her walking out of Turning Point as the next Knockouts Champion is enough to shiver me timbers, I wouldn’t put it passed the absolute booking artistry that is TNA.