Sunday, June 13, 2021

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Impact Write-Up (March 29th, 2010): The Good. The Bad. The Ugly.

After a crappy weekend and night for Diva action, fans turned to TNA in hopes that the Knockouts could shine a positive light on the face of womens wrestling. Impact featured a First Blood Match between TNA Knockout Champion, Tara, and her fiercest rival to date, Zombie Hot Daffney. But not only did we get that match, we got a new Knockout debut and a Knockout promo. Lots of lady action so lets get on with it.

The first thing we got to see tonight is the debut of a brand new Knockout and low and behold she is a somewhat familar face if you watched ECW a few years ago. Former ECW diva and Extreme Expose member, Brooke Adams, showed up on Impact in the role of Eric Bischoff’s personal assistant.


skip to 7:37

The segment opened up with Bischoff on the telephone with someone and the old man lover in me enjoyed watching this. I’ve always found Bischoff hot and I still do. But anyway, once Bischoff is done with his phone call, he hangs up and calls for Miss Something or the Other. The ex-diva formerly known as Brooke Adams comes shuffling into his office in a too short business suit, high heels, and *gasp* glasses. Bischoff tells her that there is going to be someone coming into his office later on and it’s up to her to stop that person, no matter what it takes. She agrees but before she can do anything, Jay Lethal walks into the picture, his stupid Macho Man Randy Savage gimmick apparently still going strong, and starts talking in jibberish which I can not decipher not even for the good of this Write-Up. Bischoff doesn’t really seem impressed and Brooke stands there like a pretty prop with no expression on her face. Lethal says something about the Megapowers and I start rolling my eyes and wish I hadn’t bothered with Brooke’s TNA debut.

Anywho, Lethal goes on and on, says something to Brooke, who finally blinks and moves a bit, and finally Bischoff has decided he’s had enough. He tells Lethal to go put together a main event or something, sends him on his way, and then looks up at Brooke. He tells her to go find Beer Money Inc. and of course she obeys, and hurries off. Well that wasn’t exactly “Serena Debut Awesome” now was it?

Now over the weekend, we posted a photo shoot of new TNA Knockout, Chelsea, and a lot of you had questions about her. This week proved to be a pretty good time to introduce her, even if she is an arm candy. The Pope, D’Angelo Dinero (Elijah Burke), came to the ring and cut some promo Knockout fans won’t really care to follow. He did his spiel and it was fine and dandy, but once he was finished, the valet to Desmonde Wolfe (Nigel McGuiness ROH fans), Chelsea, made her way to the ring.


skip to 3:42

The gorgeous young woman walked to the ring and to my surprise, the crowd was chanting her name. She didn’t bother to pay it any attention, got in the ring, and stood there while the Pope scooped her out. After he was done, he got really close to her and asked Chelsea what he could do for her. Chelsea got this little smirk on her face and started groping the Pope and basically said “there is something you can do for me, you big hunk of chocolate.” At the mention of the word chocolate, my stomach growled so I got up to get a Reese’s peanut butter egg. While I’m rummaging around in the kitchen, Chelsea is talking about how she’s always gotten whatever she wants out of life: cars, boats, yachts, expensive clothes, ect. But apparently that’s not really enough for her because there’s something else she just has to have. The Pope is the only person who can help her with it and her problem is she’s always wanted to be a ho. Good Lord.

Chelsea is basically looking at the Pope like she wants to eat him, and Pope is all “well the Pope is just going to have to lay his hands on you real soon.” Chelsea continues to give him the bedroom eyes. Pope then asks her the burning question on every idiotic male’s mind in the Impact zone. “Do you know how to drive a stick?” Ugh. Chelsea takes the microphone from the Pope and presses herself against him. She admits that she may not be able to do it, but she is a real fast learner. Super. To make this whole segment even worse Chelsea gasps a little bit and looks up at the Pope and asks if that is a gun in his pocket or if he is just happy to see her. They begin to stare at each other and finally, Desmonde Wolfe comes through the crowd. He stupidly gets into the ring at a spot where Pope’s jacket is hanging, and of course, the Pope catches him and basically disposes of the Ring of Honor leftover. Chelsea looks super shocked that her plan didn’t work out and the Pope grabs her, forces himself on her, and then just drops her like she’s nothing more than a piece of garbage. To further humiliate Chelsea, the Pope pulls a wad of cash from his pocket, shoves it down the front of Chelsea’s dress, and stands over her while posing for the crowd. I now want to form a Feminist Revolution and start a protest at the next TNA taping.

Thank God the camera cuts to a backstage shot of Tara walking. The First Blood match between Tara and Daffney is next!

After some interesting television programming, Jeremy Borash is seen backstage with the champ. She looks great and extremely intense which is to be expected because this match is all personal. Tara cuts a fantastic promo about how she is going to get revenge on Daffney for taking what’s precious to her, and said tonight is all about blood and that’s totally okay with her. Daffney comes running in out of nowhere, shoves Borash across the room, and says that’s okay with her too. She starts beating the hell out of Tara which basically signals the start of the match despite the fact the two ladies are in the backstage area.

Tara fights back with some extremely stiff shots and slams Daffney’s head off a section of steps. She keeps up the abuse by tossing Daffney into some backstage equipment then grabs her by the hair and tosses her face first into a fence. While Tara does this, she calls Daffney “A crazy freakin’ bitch” and it makes me chuckle because that’s the pot calling the kettle black. Tara continues ramming Daffney’s head into the fence, vowing to make her pay and calling her a piece of garbage, and right as Daffney starts to fight back, TNA goes to a commercial break.

*headdesk*

When Impact returns, Daff and Tara are making their way into the ring area. Tara is still brutalizing Daffney, and the bell finally rings to make this match official. Daffney gets the upper hand and when Tara fails to bleed, Daffney starts to bite Tara’s forehead. She still doesn’t bleed and the ladies end up around the announce table and start fighting on Mike Tenay. That’s really great. Tara takes charge and drags Daffney down the stairs that belong to the broadcast booth. Daffney fights back with a kick to the head of Tara, and gets to her feet. She kicks Tara in the mid-section, clubs her in the back, then whips her into a piece of the Impact set. Tara hits her back pretty hard and she’s down on the ground now. Daffney follows her offense up by wrapping a camera cord around Tara’s neck several times and drags her over to the ring. She pulls up the ring skirt and starts searching for weapons, finding a mini broom thing and a toolbox in the process. She jabs Tara in the stomach twice with the little broom before she breaks it half and turns one half of the handle into this vicious looking spike.

Daffney looks pretty please with the sharp piece of wood and she slowly gets into the ring where Tara is desperately trying to suck the air into her lungs so she can get back into the match. Daffney goes over to her opponent and looks to stab Tara right between the eyes, but Tara grabs part of the spike before it can sink into the flesh on her face. Tara finally overpowers Daffney and knocks her away. That allows her to get to her feet and after a couple of exchanges, Daffney gets nailed with the Widow’s Peak. The match isn’t about a pinfall or submission so Tara now has to find a way to get back into this contest and make Daffney bleed.

Tara pulls herself to her feet and staggers over to the corner. She looks down and spies the toolbox Daffney had pulled out earlier. Tara picks it up and slams it into Daffney’s skull with such force the people in the Impact zone gasp. The referee gets down to check and sure enough, Daffney has a tiny cut on her head that is now bleeding. Tara is declared the winner but it’s Daffney who makes the lasting impression. She touches the blood and starts to lick it, laughing like a crazy person, and basically having an orgasm over her own misfortune. Tara looks disturbed and rightfully so, and the cameras cut to the backstage area.

The Good: After a horribly disappointing Wrestlemania, I personally needed a pick me up. Thank God TNA actually got something right with their program. Daffney and Tara are perfect together and tonight was no exception. As great as their PPV match was, I felt this match was even better. Both women went at it tooth and nail, and everything came off really great. Their chemistry is fantastic and the match got off to a killer start when Daffney interrupted Tara’s promo. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this may be Tara’s best TNA work. Daffney has really forced her to raise her game and Tara’s handled the pressure beautifully. This is by far her best Knockout Championship reign. They’ve done everything right so far and I hope they keep it up.

The Bad: Chelsea’s promo with the Pope basically made me want to burn a bra in protest. Why is it that everytime someone has a sexy female valet, that valet has to lower herself and try to seduce their man’s opponent? We were forced to watch Melina do it in the WWE with “I’m a Grandfather and Going Through a Mid-Life Crisis so I’ll Dress Like I’m 26” Dave Batista, and now we had to watch the new girl do it with the Pope. I felt embarrassed for Chelsea because she probably didn’t sign up to cut pornographic promos in the ring. I’m all for trying to pull the wool over someone’s eyes, but you don’t have to call yourself a ho and talk about trying to learn to drive a stick in order to do it. The promo was about as trashy as the TNA shop commercials and very degrading towards Chelsea. I feel like I’m being uber sensitive, but seriously. There are better ways to go about tricking an opponent than making a young woman look like a whore.

The Ugly: The debut of Brooke Adams. I reckon since this is WCW 2.0 and this column should be titled “Nitro Write-Up” instead of “Impact Write-Up” we had to have a Miss Hancock character. Well, Brooke Adams is no Stacy Keibler with all due respect to her. If they were going to bring her in, they could have found a better way to do it instead of Eric Bischoff’s personal assistant. It just goes to show that TNA will basically take anyone who’s even had the most minuscule association with the WWE. It’s sad and it’s pathetic, and it’s like TNA doesn’t even care about their home grown talents anymore. Brooke looked ridiculous in her role tonight as Bischoff’s assistant. Her outfit was trashy, instead of sexy like Stacy’s always were, and in a couple of weeks, Bischoff will probably introduce a stable for Brooke called Standards and Practices because TNA has absolutely no originality anymore.

Thank God for Tara and Daffney. If not for their match tonight, Knockout coverage would have been despicable this week. I had a feeling the match would be their best, and I was right. The only thing that bothers me is the fact TNA gave this away for free on their weekly show instead of saving it for Lockdown. The way Daffney reacted after bleeding was great and I’m not entirely convinced this feud is over. I don’t really know why it would be. Daffney still has that creepy spider and everyone else is wrapped up in something else it seems. We can forget Tara and Hamada having a feud and Tara dropping the title to Hamada. It’s simply not going to happen because TNA couldn’t even bother finding Hamada a new tag team partner to replace Awesome Kong. We can all see the eye candy direction their leaning towards so I reckon certain Knockouts will either get their walking papers soon or they simply won’t be used. Impact goes back live next week, so I suppose we’ll all just wait and see what happens.

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