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Impact Write-Up (December 9th, 2010): A Hardcore (Country) Main Event

We are pleased to welcome new Diva Dirt writer, April, who is taking over the Impact Write-Up.

This week on Impact was just saddlebags full of Knockout action. First, we saw the vacating of the Knockouts Tag Team Championship, the return of the Scream Queen, Daffney and a first for TNA: a Knockouts steel cage as the main event, between Mickie James and Tara. Take a deep breath, you’re gonna need the oxygen…

Our first glimpse of the TNA Knockouts on this episode of Impact comes via video package from August 05, 2010 where Taylor Wilde and Hamada win the TNA Knockouts Tag Titles. Mike Tenay announces that Hamada has left the company due to passport issues. With Hamada gone, the titles are obviously up for grabs and their new owners will be determined tournament-style. It is announced that Sarita will be teaming with the returning Daffney (odd team, much?) against The Beautiful People, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky.

Later, Tara is seen backstage, tuning up for what is meant to be Tara: Live in Concert. Pray to whatever God you pray to because this is going to take some major miracle workmanship. Generation Me is with her. All means of importance go out the window here. True, they may appear to look like Knockouts but they, indeed, are not. Tara’s attempt to one up Mickie James is up next.

Jeremy Borash introduces Tara, singing her theme song ‘Broken’. She comes out, pulls a Britney and lip syncs to the lyrics. All your praying paid off. You can now pick up your reward cookies at the front desk. *Wink* Generation Me is dancing horribly in just their jeans. Can it honestly be considered politically correct to perform the robot on national television? Just wondering. Tara busts out the old school Victoria with her “hip to the jive” dance moves. She manages halfway through her song before Mickie James comes up from the back, exacting revenge for last week. Gen Me springs to action, holding Mickie back so Tara can knock her a few times. Oddly distracted by Mickie’s granny sweater, I hardly noticed Eric Young run out and attempt to defend her honor. Anyway, back to the two women who continue to battle to the ring, exchanging blows back and forth with no reserve, as they have for weeks.

Not quite as fast as they should, TNA security finally comes to the rescue and pulls them apart. They fight back, exchange blows, wash, rinse and repeat. Mickie slides into the ring, sinister glare in full effect. Rawr. She invites Tara into the ring and tells her, “Security can’t break up all our fights.” She then insists on taunting Tara by telling her she can’t do anything by herself. This will be a growing trend throughout the night, just to let you know. Mickie wants to end this all… in a steel cage! TONIGHT! HARDCORE COUNTRY! And just for good measure, as if there hadn’t been enough, Mickie slides out of the ring, giving Tara one more knock to the chin.

Next up, we go to Velvet and Angelina backstage, gaggling over make-up and um, something unexpected happens…

Winter appears and wishes Angelina good luck in her match tonight. Velvet looks totally creeped out when she asks Angelina who the hell that was. Angelina freaks because someone else finally saw her and she pulls Velvet off to go tell her all about it. I totally had a flashback to high school. Is it weird that I imagine them having sleepovers, gossiping about boys and Madison Rayne‘s horrible extensions?

We go to Sarita and Daffney in the hall. Daffney, in all her returning glory, is twirling a black lace umbrella and I am loving her being back. Sarita’s attire? Not so much. The first match in the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Title tournament is up next.

Sarita and Daffney come out to Sarita’s loco Latin music. Again, just let me say, I am loving Daffney coming back. I missed her zombie hotness. Moving on. They make a bit of an odd pair but who doesn’t with the Scream Queen? Out next are The Beautiful People, dressed to look like cotton candy arrangements in their pink? I do have to say that I love their TBP shirts. It is refreshing to see female wrestlers with their own merchandise. Naturally, they make their way over the middle rope and “LET THE PIGEONS LOOSE!”. Enough said.

Sarita snags a microphone before the match can begin and tells Velvet that this is really starting to become a joke. “Every time you get into trouble, you go running back to Angelina.” True enough. She then proceeds to tell Velvet how she kicked her scrawny little ass. TWICE! And continues to taunt poor Vel Vel, who just looks like she’s ready to throw a serious tantrum. Velvet finally just snaps, taking Sarita down with a spear to the mat. She slams Sarita’s head repeatedly, showing that spunk we’ve all come to know and love. The match starts out with a nice flow, Velvet in charge. She lands a few elbow drops and goes for a quick pin. Sarita kicks out and the two go back and forth across the ring until Vel Vel goes for a quick roll up. No good. Sarita scrambles to the corner and Velvet goes after her again, sideswiping her headscissors attempt with a slam and another quick pin attempt. Not even a two count and they are back to their feet. Velvet somehow manages to knock Sarita down with an armbar submission of sort. It looks like the Latina could tap out but Daffney slams a boot to Vel for her efforts. Sarita comes from behind and takes Velvet down, dancing over her like a game of limbo. How low can you go? Oh, how low can you go? Um… ahem…

A few cha-chas and slaps later, Sarita tags in the returning Daffney who wastes no time pushing Velvet into a hovering body slam. Very nice show of strength on Daffney’s part. Velvet is no heavyweight but she’s got some junk in the trunk. Daffney goes for a quick pin but only comes out with the two count. Sarita tags in and the double team begins. Vel Vel fights back, managing her way out of her opponent’s grasps. She easily takes Sarita down with what looked to be a facebreaker and they somehow end up victims of a double clothesline. Double tag out. Angelina Love and Daffney are in. Angelina gets the quick upper hand with multiple forearms, muscle takedowns and a jawbreaker. A shot to Sarita and Angelina crushes Daffney to the mat, securing the win for The Beautiful People. They now advance in the tournament. Is anyone actually surprised by this? Not I, said the lowly wrestling fan.

Despite a TBP win, Sarita STILL feels the need to continue taunting Vel Vel. Again, I feel like I have been transported back to high school. Sarita even goes so far as to place an ‘L’ to her forehead to support her loser reference. Really? Grow up, Sarita darling. You are a great talent. Don’t diminish it with a lackluster personality.

Also, notice the huge crowd response for Daffney?

We come back to see yet the same old Mickie versus Tara feud package. It highlights their brawls and bitching back and forth. Just once, I’d like to see them throw pudding at one another or perhaps pick up a stray cat in the parking lot. Just something new. Mickie and Tara both get their respective backstage interviews. Mickie says she has never been in a steel cage and as far as she knows, Tara hasn’t either. Well that’s just not true, Mickie.

Tara complains about Mickie, again. If Mickie wants a steel cage, she’s got it and she’s going to give her the beating of her life. Generation Me is with her but we don’t care about them or anything they really have to say in regards to well, anything.

All hands on deck as we see the crew bringing the pieces of the TNA steel cage towards the ring. Our main event is up next. Yes, I said it. The Knockouts have the TNA main event. Take note, WWE.

HARDCORE COUNTRY! Out bounces Mickie James in her newly trademarked cutoff daisy dukes and a tied up blue plaid top. Oddly enough, I heard the General Lee car horn in the back of my head. She barely makes it to the turnbuckles before BROKEN, BROKEN interrupts her gyration. Tara comes out on her crotch rocket in near full body fishnet, slowly walks to the cage and steps up to the door. Mickie is ready to fight but Tara takes her time and swings the door towards Mickie. It was petty, we get it. For some reason, when most people would have laughed, Mickie felt the need to scramble after Tara again. They battle back and forth until Mickie finally slams Tara to the floor with a clothesline. Allowing her to fester, Mickie picks Tara up and tosses her into the ring like a bag of hot garbage. They’re officially locked in as Impact goes to commercial.

When we return, Mickie is on the mat and Tara is readying for her patented side slam. She executes perfectly and goes for the pin. 1..2..not quite. Slightly frustrated, she goes for a slow motion spin on Mickie but her attempt is reversed. Mickie spins Tara around but the Black Widow stops herself from facial reconstruction. However, she may need a new strengthening serum after that back hair slam from Mickie that literally sent Tara heel over head. Tara staggers to her feet and is met with a trio of clotheslines from both sides. Mickie officially has the upper hand. She pulls Tara into a sling around where Madison’s Mistress attempts a comeback clothesline but Mickie slides under her leg, turning Tara around. One snapmare later, Mickie rebounds off the ropes and sends a double legged dropkick straight into Tara’s teeth. All hail free dental procedures! Mickie goes for the pin: 1… 2… of course not.

Both women are worn down, having fought hard to get this far. Tara crawls away but Mickie trails, getting a quick slam into the middle turnbuckle. Tara makes it to her feet and pulls Mickie up, executing a tight snap suplex that floats over into a guillotine headlock attempt. Very nice fluid motion from Tara. It’s refreshing to see a move connected without stagger. Mickie quickly fights out and drives the two of them into the corner. The crowd is behind both women now, going back and forth with “LET’S GO MICKIE” and “LET’S GO TARA” chants. Great crowd reactions. Mickie holds control but Tara turns it around. However, in true fashion, Mickie gets a kick up that sends her over the top rope. Tara takes this opportunity to kick Mickie straight against the steel. Instant meltdown. The two battle with the ropes between them until Mickie manages a climb attempt up the steel. Tara isn’t going to allow it. No, sir! She follows Mickie up with fists but the Virginia native turns around and wrap her legs around Tara’s neck. In what looks to be a treacherous headscissors turned powerbomb reversal, both Knockouts fall to the mat with a nasty thud. It just looked ugly. U-G-L-Y! You ain’t got no alibi! Ugly.

Mickie is the first to stir but Tara is the first to rise. She goes right after Mickie and with a firm grip on the hair, Tara spins her foe around and sends her flying into the cage door. To and fro, here we go. Back to the other side, right into the cold hard steel. While Mickie is groggy, Tara takes this time to crawl over towards the cage door, planning her escape. Is it bad I pictured the referee slamming the door in her face just for giggles? Because I did. Onward we go. Tara manages halfway out the door before Mickie comes from behind, squashing all hope. She unceremoniously dumps Tara to the mat and goes for the closed fists, using the turnbuckle for the exclamation point. Tara isn’t too fond of this and she comes back.

The match floats over into Reaction where Mickie James gets a knee to the face for her valiant efforts. Tara goes for the hair, slowly pulling Mickie over for a Widow’s Peak but it’s no good. How many times have we seen this move reversed? Mickie blows some hot air against her sails, sending Tara straight into the cage. Back and forth we go, when we stop, nobody knows. Twice makes it nice. Tara is down and Mickie puts a boot to her throat but the referee quickly breaks it up. It seems like this is the point where Tara injures her elbow. She held onto it as she came away from the side of the cage, as pointed out by Taz. At this point, both women are worn down. It has been a solid match but I’m pretty sure that everyone was ready for it to end. Tara tries for an easy out by a climb out of the cage but Mickie stops her. She maneuvers in front of her and gradually, works her back down to the mat. The southern girl is now free to make her way up to the cage where she can climb down for the win. But does she? Of course not. She is Mickie James and she obviously has a point to prove. She manages her way to the top and…turns around? Without hesitation, Mickie springs off the top and comes down on Tara with a Lou Thesz Press. A quick pin and the crowd goes completely wild as the referee counts the three and claims Mickie James the winner!

Thoughts: I always do my best to watch Impact for Alex Shelley but also for the Knockouts. Watching this feud between Mickie James and Tara has been just exhausting, for lack of a better term. I sincerely hope that it is over. We have all seen it before and I can say that I am a little disappointed in TNA for using this idea. Yes, I could see it being good for maybe the first couple of weeks that Mickie was around but this continuous flow between the two has just gotten ridonkulous. However, kudos to both for a good match. Both Knockouts gave it their all and the end was definitely a great resolution. Seeing Mickie hobble on her bad knee and Tara continue going with her injured elbow, it definitely gives you a deeper appreciation for their hard work. It’s also great to see TNA give the women an opportunity to main event the show, especially in a steel cage match. A Christmas miracle?

However, with a line drawn under that feud now (hopefully), I would love to see them both go their separate ways, maybe with Tara and Madison fighting for the Knockouts Tag Titles. I think it is inevitable that Mickie will become the Knockouts Champion. I see it in the future, no matter if I want to or not. I am not exactly her biggest fan but hey, I’m strange. I don’t like chocolate either. Take it as you will.

As far as The Beautiful People, I saw it coming. With Winter in the picture now on more than just a paranormal plane, I see there being tension. I thought TNA would go with Chris Sabin coming between Vel Vel and Angelina but so far, that hasn’t happened. I like the idea of tension between the BFFs. I am always up for change and I think it keeps things interesting. It would be good for Velvet to spring off on her own and build up a singles name for herself in TNA. She’s essentially been a part of a team since she started so I think she deserves her own singles run. I would also like to see her knock the hell out of Sarita, just for wearing that hideous ring attire. As a matter of fact, I would pay her just to do it one good time.

To wrap, we learned that Tara cannot sing, Mickie and Sarita both need new wardrobes and The Beautiful People are probably about to slip into a Days of Our Lives script. TNA isn’t afraid to put their female talent into a steel contraption of doom. Daffney returned and made us all jealous of her umbrella. Generation Me needs to hit puberty. Hamada is gone from TNA but not forgotten. I believe she has an opportunity to shine brighter on the independent circuit anyway. Next week, the tournament continues but will the feud? I certainly hope not. May you all be blessed with bags of Skittles until next time.

— Additional reporting by Melanie.

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