Wednesday, June 23, 2021

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Paging Cupid! Could Cupid Help Make These WWE Couples Happen?

Last week during Diva Dirt Live, David decided to call me out on the fact that I haven’t written a Southern Belle Smack column in a long time. Well, I’m here to change that… sort of. This is not a SBS feature but it is me doing something other than a Redux! I figured that I would give each and every one of you a special little treat during this fine holiday. Earlier today, the Diva Dirt staff took you down a rose-petal lined stroll on memory lane with a special feature on some of the greatest wrestling couples of all time. Remembering the likes of Savage and Elizabeth, Lita and Edge, and Molly and Spike brought back wonderful memories, but it also got me thinking. For every great wrestling couple from the past, there’s an equally bad couple. Who could ever forget Bertha Faye and Harvey Whippleman, Dawn Marie and Al Wilson, or Vickie Guerrero and Eric Escobar? And thinking about all these couples got me thinking about the point of this feature. With the emergence of Gail Kim and Daniel Bryan as a power couple in the making, and Vickie Guerrero absolutely dominating SmackDown on behalf of her beloved boyfriend, Dolph Ziggler, what other couples in the WWE should be happening right now? It is Valentine’s Day afterall, and cupid’s arrow can land anywhere, so April, David, Eric, Steven, and myself have decided to play matchmaker and help cupid aim in the right direction.

Every king needs his very own queen and what better Diva to fit the role of queen than the Sexiest of Sexy of herself, Maryse? Her relationship with Ted DiBiase has clearly run its course thanks to DiBiase’s inability to win matches and a woman like Maryse demands perfection. Or at least someone who has money, power, or a championship belt. She doesn’t seem picky and why be picky? Everyone knows true love comes in the form of presents and Sheamus would no doubt consider himself lucky to have a girl like Maryse on his arm. He would shower her with presents and worship the ground she walks on. Together, they could rule the WWE with an iron fist; the Celtic Warrior and the French-Canadian bombshell. There’s no need to understand the words they speak because no one really can. The only thing that the Superstars and Divas of World Wrestling Entertainment need to understand is that both Maryse and Sheamus will do whatever it takes to make sure no one stands in their way. Of course, this pairing likely won’t last. Expect Maryse to bolt almost the minute the King of Kings, Triple H shows up to extract his revenge on Sheamus. The first time she nearly gets Pedigreed, Maryse is gone, and it’ll be lights out for the terror-filled reign of King Sheamus and Queen Maryse. But don’t expect Ted DiBiase to take her back because…

Thanks to Maryse’s cold shoulder, the million-dollar spawn is left single and lonely. One day backstage, he runs into Alicia who is all to willing to show him the attention he rightfully needs. After weeks of back and forth flirtatious banter, Alicia finally decides she wants to seal the deal. She locks lips with DiBiase and right as things start to heat up, she finds herself shoved to the side! An angry Maryse, who nearly tasted the Pedigree moments ago, is beside herself. She’s shaking with rage and starts screaming at Ted in her native French. DiBiase stands up to her and screams at her to shut up. She is the one who left him and he is moving on much like she did with Ronald McDonald. Alicia wraps her arms around Ted and smirks, and the couple walk off leaving Maryse stunned. In the weeks following Alicia and Ted’s initial kiss, a feud over Ted’s affections is born between Alicia and Maryse. After going back and forth, and each picking up a victory over the other, Alicia and Maryse get ready for the deciding third match with the stipulation being that DiBiase gets to leave with the winner. Mid-way through the match, while Alicia is suffering in the camel clutch, Maryse gets a look on her face. The crowd turns towards the entrance ramp and to everyone’s shock, Ted’s younger brother Brett DiBiase starts making his way to the ring. Maryse lets go of Alicia, jumps out of the ring, and into the arms of the younger and much better DiBiase! Ted is confused, as is Alicia. Because to be honest, Alicia has decided she doesn’t want Ted either! She gingerly rolls out of the ring, goes off on Ted for basically making two women fight over him, bitchslaps him to the mat, and tells the world she’s going back to the one and only man who’s ever made her feel special….

Some of you may raise your eyebrows at this pairing, but do not underestimate the cuteness of Alusky. The way this relationship works is that Alicia and Husky have a history, dating back to his humble beginning on NXT season two. Alicia couldn’t help but admire Husky’s confidence in himself despite his lack of physique and once he finally showed up on Raw to join the Nexus, Alicia was smitten and come on, Husky would be a fool to turn down a woman like A-Fox. Wanting their privacy, Alusky kept their relationship a secret and when an unnecessary punt to the head thanks to Randy Orton drove them apart, Alicia found herself with a broken heart. The whole thing with Teddy, it was simply to fill an empty void. Once that void started to heal, Alicia found herself repulsed by DiBiase and his ego. Husky is where her heart is and once he makes his return to the WWE, Alusky will get their revenge on Randy Orton and they will take over the entire company. Expect a Summerslam wedding in their future but will it go off without a hitch? We’ll have to wait and see.

The ‘E’s golden girl and their very own version of Superman…sigh. Sounds like a match made in heaven, right? With Kelly fired from SmackDown, the blond bombshell finds herself without a home when it comes to wrestling so naturally she shows up on the red brand. Kelly is no stranger to Monday Night Raw, and with John Cena being one of her oldest friends, it’s fitting that he would take Kelly under his wing and get her reacquainted with how things work on Mondays. Over time their friendship grows and eventually, the feelings between the two become something more. They share a lot in common such as they have many haters, their move-sets are limited (but Kelly totally has more than Cena), and they have undeniable passion for the business and incredible work ethics. Cena’s top rival, the Miz, sees this happening and being the devious person he is, he decides to drag Kelly into the middle of things. After all, Kelly does have a history with the former reality TV baddie from their ECW days. It’s not pretty and on several occasions, Cena finds himself saving Kelly from the clutches of the Miz and Alex Riley. During their main event match at Wrestlemania, Kelly comes to the aid of Cena who is being unfairly double teamed by the champion and his sidekick. The ending of the match sees A-Ry setting Cena up for a shot with the briefcase when Kelly throws herself in front of it. A-Ry stops just in the nick of time and Cena morphs into Superman and gets his 23094782394234th wind. A-Ry is taken out via Attitude Adjustment and the Miz ends up tapping out to the STFU. John Cena regains the WWE Championship and a jubilant Kelly jumps in the ring to celebrate alongside him. They hug and when John pulls back, he stares at Kelly. They share a moment and then Cena glances at the crowd. With a sold-out Georgia Dome crowd urging them on, Cena dips his head and kisses Kelly passionately and everyone loves it. Wow.

It’s not like Beth Phoenix has much to do right now so why not give her a love interest? We’ve watched share screen time with Santino Marella and we’ve watched her rock the world of Vladimir Kozlov, but as cute as those moments were, Beth needs a real man. There’s one man on the Blue Brand that could potentially fill Beth’s womanly needs and that man is none other than the Big Show. We’ve seen how sweet this gentle giant can be (he was briefly attached to Joy Giovanni). He always seems to be looking out for the Divas (his warning to Kelly about Drew). Beth isn’t a woman that needs someone to protect her by any means. She did eliminate the Great Khali from the Royal Rumble last year. But every woman needs the love of a good man and what could start off as a sly, flirtatious line from the Big Show, “I bet you couldn’t eliminate me from the Rumble,” could develop into a mini Beth vs. Big Show feud that culminates in Beth realizing that the only man she can’t bench press and get the better of is the only man who could ever truly have her heart. Awwwwwwwwwww!

This pairing is not as random as you think. We don’t know what wrestlers do when they’re injured and when AJ shows up on Raw with a returning Evan Bourne it shouldn’t surprise anyone. They meet while he’s injured, obviously, and AJ instantly has someone who is much better and way more cuter than Primo. They can have a friendly rivalry with Gail Kim and Daniel Bryan (can you imagine the matches between these four?!) and AJ could even join forces with Gail to battle the Bella twins. Everyone is happy with this pairing because of the cute awkward segments it would have and the great wrestling that would come from it. Bourne could even have a brief feud with Primo so the WWE could prove that they don’t forget their past!

The friendship between Rosa and Hornswoggle is random, to say the least, but in the professional wrestling world anything can happen. A few weeks ago on SmackDown, Rosa and ‘Swoggle were in the ring playing to the fans when Royal Rumble winner Alberto and his personal ring announcer, Ricardo, made their way down the ramp. They were set to have a celebration and with Rosa and Horny looking on, Alberto began his personal party. He invited Horny to hit the pinata and with the little critter blindfolded and swinging a stick, you just knew it would end back for Albie. Sure enough, Hornswoggle ended up smashing Alberto’s family jewels and Alberto ended up destroying him in retaliation. Rosa was forced to watch her little friend get beaten down and that provides the perfect segue  for our plot. To avenge Hornswoggle, Rosa uses her Latina charm to sway Ricardo and lure him away from Alberto. At the same time, she’s also working her magic on Alberto. Ricardo and Alberto fall hard for Rosa, while she laughs it up with Hornswoggle. One night, Alberto comes to the ring with flowers and a brand new car for the woman in his life and calls Rosa to the ring. He serenades her with his own version of Selena’s “Dreaming of You” in Spanish and in a jealous rage, Ricardo attacks his employer. He calls Rosa his girl, and a confused Alberto fires his ring announcer, then beats him to a pulp. Rosa, who is enjoying the chaos, reveals that she has indeed been playing both men. Horrified at the truth, Alberto and Ricardo watch as their lady love gets out of the ring, skips up the ramp, and greets Hornswoggle… with a big ole kiss! Scandalous.

The Lay-Cool break-up is fast approaching whether we want it to or not, and it seems all to likely that Michelle is going to end up turning on Layla. Michelle will no doubt side with Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler, Layla, bless her heart, will be left out in the cold. After suffering a beatdown at the hands of Michelle, Vickie and Dolph show up at Michelle’s side. Vickie begins to berate Layla for not only costing her boyfriend the title from way back when, but just for holding everyone back. Layla’s wrestling skills are insulted. She’s completely buried. Michelle and Vickie both double team her, and Dolph gets involved by looking to nail Layla and send her packing with the Zig Zag. Before he can nail his deadly finisher, Kofi Kingston comes out of nowhere, makes the save, and sends Dolph, Vickie, and Michelle fleeing the scene. He gently scoops up a battered and bruised Layla, comforts her in her time of need, and boom. Lofi is born.

Vickie has had her share of men in the WWE and one of these days she is bound to grow bored of her bleached blond boyfriend, Dolph. He can only fail so many times in his quest to become World Heavyweight Champion, after all. After kicking Dolph to the curb for not living up to expectations, Vickie begins looking for a new man… a real man. Enter Michael Cole, the voice for the mysterious Raw General Manager. When Cole finally reveals that he is actually the Raw GM, Vickie comes to the realization that together, she and Cole can rule the WWE. Their love affair is a hot one. Their power hungry tendencies keep them together. Together they make the lives of every Superstar and Diva a living hell. And together, Vickie and Michael become the single most hated couple of all time. Not even the McMahons can stop their path of destruction.

And there you have it. The should-be couples of the WWE. Love them, or hate them, you have to admit that they would each be entertaining in their own right. What couples do you want to see happen? Which couple would be your favorite? Sound off in comments and of course, Happy Valentine’s Day to each and every one of you!

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