Monday, June 21, 2021

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Raw Redux (January 9th, 2012): Naomi and Friends Debut, But It’s All About ZaEve and the Epic Flat Tire Fiasco!

So here we are once again, and I, your Khaleesi, is putting her fingers to the keyboard and doing her first Redux of 2012. I want to extend my gratitude to my sweet little Bobbita who filled in for me last week and wrote a Redux so beautiful it nearly made me weep tears of joys. And speaking of tears, there were many shed last night as I drowned myself in sloppy kisses and expensive tequila while watching LSU absolutely SUCK against the disgusting babyface team of the SEC, Alabama. Thanks to LSU FAILING I have to endure the heartbreak and trauma, and year-long idiocy of Alabama fans everywhere praising their Coach Nick Satan as the second coming of Paul Bear Bryant, and how Alabama is a juggernaut of superiority in the state, and blah blah blah. It’s enough to make any Auburn want to throw themselves off a cliff, but we shall overcome and beat those sorry pieces of sh-

Whoa… this is supposed to be a Raw Redux right? Yeah, well, back on track. I missed Raw last night thanks to the BCS National Championship game, and once again I stayed away from spoilers despite my longtime wrasslin’ buddy telling me how good Dolph Ziggler was in 140 characters or less. That means it’s time for another “live” Redux so to speak. So lets get to watchin’ Raw, so I can see how everything went down last night!

Thus far, there have been no Diva sightings, but I want to take a moment to congratulate Edge on being the first person announced for the 2012 Hall of Fame. As a life-long Edge fan, this means the world to me. We all know he could still be competing if his body would have allowed it, and as someone who was in Atlanta last year, I’m so grateful that I got to see his final ever match. This is so richly deserved even if it’s coming sooner than it should thanks to his abrupt retirement. Edge was someone who gave us memorable matches, wonderful moments, and let’s not forget that he was almost always involved with a Diva there towards the end. Congratulations, Edge!

Now, on with the show.

We’re brought almost immediately to our first Diva sighting of the night. Yay! Backstage, the United States Champion, Zack Ryder, is on the phone with his dad.

Zack is telling his dad that after almost losing his life last week on Raw, that he’s understandably afraid of what Kane might have in store for him this week. No doubt, the Long Island heartthrob has suffered from severe nightmares thanks to Kane’s violent antics, but at least his boo, John Cena, saved him. Nonetheless, Zack is pretty upset, but when he notices the lovely Eve Torres standing behind him, he promptly changes his tune. He hangs up and turns his charm on, but Eve’s not buying it. She wants to Zack to get serious for a moment and she asks him if he’s alright. He spouts some song and dance about not living in fear, and that brings him to something he wants to ask Eve. He takes a brief moment, and then finally asks her out. He says he doesn’t have a match and they can just go out right now. Eve looks like she wants to reject him, but she just blurts out yes. Zack can’t believe it, but he’s excited. Eve tells him that he has to wait because she has a match with Beth Phoenix tonight. Eve also reveals that if she can somehow beat Beth, she’ll get a shot at the Divas Championship. Zack wishes her luck and tells her he knows she can beat Beth. Eve gives him a flirty little sideways glance and goes “…you know it” before walking off. Zack stares at his crush, and then as if he senses someone has been watching them, he glances behind him. Not seeing anything, he just shakes it off and walks off.

Cue Kane being creepy and walking out from behind a door.

Let me play fantasy booker for a minute. Kane wants to end John Cena. Kane doesn’t seem to like Zack Ryder either. Kane tried to take Zack Ryder down to the fiery depths of hell last week but John Cena saved Zack Ryder. Now Kane is stalking Zack Ryder. Maybe Kane should go after Eve to get to Zack Ryder?

That needs to happen.

What never needed to happen, however, is the debut of Brodus Clay. Or maybe it did. I just never needed to write about it. But yes, here I am, about to sit here and embed a video with the debut of Brodus, and his dancers. Yup, you read that right… his dancers.

For weeks, the debut of Brodus Clay has been Raw’s long running joke. For seven hundred weeks now, Clay has been tapped to debut, or re-debut since he ran around with Alberto and Ricardo on SmackDown for awhile. Lo and behold we finally got to witness the massive beast from NXT make his presence felt on our favorite flagship show. And he didn’t come alone. The suddenly happy, jovial dancing ‘Funkasaurus’ busted through the guerrilla curtains in all his glory. In what is no doubt a tribute to the wonderful Flash Funk and the Funkettes, Brodus and his dancers, NAOMI and Ariane Andrew, surely made an impression.

They made an impression on me, anyway. I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. Maybe it’s a one-off thing, but I highly doubt it. A lot of time and effort appears to have gone into this and well at least it gets Naomi on the main roster. It’s kind of ironic that fans have cried and cried for the better part of forever to get this woman on the main roster so she can have actual matches and such, and she shows up in the role of dancer. I guess we all have to start somewhere, and if it’s as a dancer, then so be it. Alicia started off as a wedding planner, and then a manager for DJ Gabriel. Victoria/Tara made her debut as one of the Godfather’s “hos.” Kelly started as a stripper on ECW. And last, but not least, Trish Stratus once had to get down on all fours and bark like a dog. It’s wrestling, and it’s business, and that’s how it goes sometimes. Naomi is perhaps one of the most gifted pure athletes the WWE has ever had. I think that in the end she’ll end up being fine.

And before all the cries of outrage happen, just remember, you are all getting what you wanted: Naomi on Raw. And welcome to Raw to you too, Ariane! Both of them looked smoking hot in the little red catsuits and boots.

The Diva goodies keep on coming, but first an update on Zack/Eve. Zack is in the bathroom brushing his teeth when it finally dawns on him that he is indeed going on with Eve later on tonight. He’s praising himself for being the man for finally getting himself in her good graces when something eery comes over the bathroom. Zack kind of freaks out. I can’t say I blame him. Kane is messing with him.

Meanwhile, The Miz is continuing his quest for help in his personal battle against Uncle Troof. He was unsuccessful with Mason Ryan earlier, so this time he tries to convince Primo, Epico, and the lovely Rosa Mendes to help him.

All I have to say is that as brief as this was, it was pretty wonderful. Rosa’s broken Spanish/English always makes me laugh, and the fact she used it to curse out Miz is absolutely brilliant. Rosa was born to play this role and I’m so happy she’s finally getting used properly. I didn’t have to watch her dance, and her dress/fierce ankle bootie combo was hot. Loved this so much. I only wish these three would get more and more screen time. They deserve it, and a tag team title reign as well.

Goodness, so much epicness already and we haven’t even had that match yet! I’m absolutely loving this Raw so far.

What makes me love it even more is that it’s finally given me my first sighting of Vickie Guerrero, Dolph Ziggler, and Jack Swagger! With Ziggler facing Punk in three weeks at the Rumble, his stablemate, Swagger is squaring off against Punk tonight. Vickie and Dolph came to ringside with him.

John Lauricantbebotheredtolookuphowtospellhisname decides to rain on the parade, and since he is the special guest referee for the match at the Rumble, he wants to prove he can be impartial. He tells Punk that if he can beat Swagger, Vickie and Jack will both be banned from ringside come January 29th! I think we all know what happens, especially if you watched the video provided. A beautifully blown call leads to a Swagger loss, and both Vickie and Dolph are beside themselves. Lets be honest, Vickie is the key to Dolph’s success when it comes to title matches. She’s handed him a world title before and with her banned at the Rumble, our favorite heel’s back is against the wall. No doubt Vickie and friends will try and fight the call, but we can only sit on pins and needles and wait to see what happens. The match itself was amazing, and the next few weeks are going to be quite significant for Vickie and her men.

Up next, we have yet more Divas, and this time it’s my favorites! Brie and Nikki Bella, of course.

They are arguing backstage, as per usual these days, and Brie name drops Stacy Keibler. Before their argument can get any further, Ricardo Rodriguez walks into the scene and demands to know why the twins summoned him all the way to Raw while he was back home in Mexico. Brie tells Alberto’s faithful servant that they want him to personally deliver a message to his employer. Ricardo wants to know why they’ve never heard of cellphones, but Nikki cuts him off. Right as she’s about to give the message, The Miz shows up. He’s still trying to get people on his side in his feud with Troof, and this time he tries a different approach. He basically forgets about the STAR campaign and bullies Ricardo into doing his dirty work for him. He demands that the chambermaid head to the ring and offend R-Truth so bad that he comes out to the ring, presumably so Miz can ambush him. He threatens poor Ricardo with bodily harm and Ricardo, bless him, tries to get the girls to accompany him to the ring. They not-so-politely turn down the invitation, and walk off, leaving Ricardo with no other choice than to do the Miz’s dastardly deed. Oh dear.

Another home-run for Raw. Not only did this segment give me Bella Twins in fierce dresses, but it lets me know that the WWE hasn’t forgotten about their crush on Alberto Del Rio. This is the perfect example of storyline continuation despite the main player being injured. I love this Raw so much. Seriously, what else can happen?

I’ll tell you what… a Divas match can finally happen! It was teased earlier in the night, and now it’s time. Beth versus Eve.

Eve’s theme music starts to play and she makes her way to the ring. She actually gets a pretty good reaction from the crowd this week, and that’s nice to see. She plays it up, gets in the ring, and now we get to see Beth, who’s not been on Raw since being injured by Alicia.

Uhhh wait a second, that’s not Beth’s music!

Kane’s music starts to play and immediately Eve starts to panic. She looks around frantically trying to find the Big Red Machine, but to no avail. She gets out of the ring, crying from fear I assume, and Zack rushes to the ring. He grabs Eve’s hand and takes off running, not wanting any harm to come to his lady love. It’s so cute, yet so cheesy, and he takes her to the parking lot. They rush towards what can only be assumed is Zack’s waiting rental car, but of course, OF COURSE, it has a flat tire. Eve is freaking out and like any good, and when I say good I really mean bad, horror movie, Zack has a solution. He reaches in the back of the SUV, grabs a spare tire that just happens to be there, as well as one of those things you use to get the lugnuts off a tire. Eve is telling him to hurry, Zack make sure she locks the door, and he goes to work trying to yank the tire off.

Dun… duuuuuuuuuuuun… duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!!

Cue graphic for John Cena versus Dolph Ziggler which is up next! We’re just going to keep going with it. I refuse to believe I’m going to be left with such a daunting cliffhanger.

Raw returns with Eve screaming at Zack to hurry. He’s still struggling with the tire, except he’s trying to get the spare on now, and Eve is growing more and more frightened by the minute. Dolph has made his way into the ring, back inside the arena, and he looks like he’s ready to go! Vickie is staring at her man with stars in her eyes, and I don’t blame her. Dolph is one hell of a man. Oh my.

Anyway, ahem.

Cena makes his way to the ring, and he has a thunderous ovation. He’s ready to rise above the hate tonight, I reckon, and get a victory over The Show-Off. The match gets underway after Cena proves that his skill set is not limited to running the ropes during his entrance. Dolph breaks a potential lock-up with a show of arrogance, and Cena just looks amused. The men lock up again and this is where I tune out and just picture my own wrestling match versus Dolph Ziggler.

Dolph is perfect. Grass is mostly green. Water is wet. The sun is hot. He keeps Cena grounded with a headlock and decides to see if he can do a headstand while keeping his grip on Cena. He succeeds. After dropping a series of elbows on Cena, Dolph decides to show us all the proper way to do crunches. The man does have nice abs. Vickie is swooning on the outside. Cena moves when Dolph goes for another elbow, and this gives the 23498203498-time champ time to get in the five moves of doom. He starts doing his thing and right when he goes in for the kill, or whatever it is that Cena does, he is distracted by the titan tron. Zack Ryder is still outside, unable to get that tire on completely. Cena stops to watch. Cena asks the referee what is going on, and suddenly we hear Eve’s shrieks of horror.

Kane has come up and starts beating the tar of out Cena’s bestie. He’s pretty much killing Zack in front of Eve, and Dolph uses what’s going on and Cena’s worry to his advantage. He locks in the sleeper hold and starts to bring Superman down to his knees. I swear I know how this is going to happen. SuperCena is somehow going to overcome this and save Zack. I can’t even handle this right now.

Okay, well, he may not save Zack since the champ just got choke slammed off the loading dock. For the love of God, can we make sure Eve is okay?

Meanwhile, Cena has indeed gotten rid of Dolph, and he’s looking at the titantron with tears in his eyes. Cena wants to go save the day (despite that fact it’s too little, too late for Zack), and he leaves. Dolph catches him and tries the sleeper hold again. He just ends up slammed into the steel ring steps. Cena takes off running to the back and the referee begins to count. Vickie begins to scream at Dolph to get in the ring, but he’s wounded and moving a little slow. Cena storms the back where Kane is waiting and they fight while the camera gets a creepy look at Zack Ryder’s unconscious body. Cena ends up getting choke out. Ryder is like I said basically dead for now. Eve is probably still in the car, with the doors locked, screaming. And my only question is, did Vickie urge Dolph into the ring so he could get another win?

Oh Raw… 2012 is being so good to you so far!

As hilariously awful as the Eve/Zack flat tire fiasco was, I absolutely love her being involved in this. If this wasn’t the greatest episode of Raw ever, then I don’t know what is. It’s going to be hard to top this, but man. I’m really excited for next Monday and I definitely won’t be missing it!

Until next week, Cryssi out!

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