Hey guys! Khaleesi here and I’m getting ready for another rousing edition of the Raw Redux! I’m not even going to lie, I didn’t watch Raw last night. Monday Night Football featured my beloved Chicago Bears playing the Dallas Cowboys, and man, oh man, what a game. They ripped the Dallas offense to pieces, scored twenty-two whopping points for my fantasy football team, The Glitterati, and I’m a happy girl. It’s also 4:45AM as I’m currently on a Bobby-like sleep pattern because my family is at war on the mafia game I play. I can’t believe I just typed that out. CM Punk looks delicious tonight… er, this morning? Either way, I really love yellow. I also really love Paul Heyman. One time, way back in the day, I had an e-fed character named Tanith MacDemare who had to seduce Paul Heyman in order to get to his client, Genocide. WTF? Why is this turning into Khaleesi! True Nerd Story?
Don’t you guys dare judge me.
CM Punk plays a pretty good jilted champion. I kind of like this side of him because you guys know I love bad boys. They are really sexy.
Paul Heyman takes the microphone to address a piece of business from last week. He has the truck play the clip from last week where he oh so romantically proposed to our favorite general manager. Lulzzzzz. Heyman brings up the fact that AJ Lee violated an order from the Board of Directors when she laid her hands on him (Heyman). He reads from a memo where it states exactly that, and both Heyman and Punk want AJ removed as General Manager of Raw. Paul Heyman also states that he will gladly fill the power void left in AJ’s absence and that brings out Queen Vickie Guerrero and Prince Dawlf.
Vickie screams ‘excuse me’ which prompts an incredible facial expression from Heyman that will no doubt be gifed for Tumblr at some point today. Queen Vickie tells Heyman and Punk that if anyone has a solid case against AJ, it’s herself and Prince Dawlf. She claims that Prince Dawlf almost had his Money in the Bank briefcase stolen thanks to AJ’s ridiculous actions, and that she (as in Queen Vickie) still doesn’t have complete range of motion in her neck. Heyman just wants to know when in the hell did this because about Queen Vickie?! Heyman and Queen Vickie have an incredible exchange before Prince Dawlf plays voice of reason and says that Monday Night Raw would be a much better place if the two of them (Heyman and our Queen) teamed up.
Cue AJ Lee!
Our adorable GM skips to the ring in typical-AJ fashion in an outfit I immediately want to buy to wear to work (minus the shoes because we have to wear heels). She has a microphone, takes her place in the middle of these four incredible people in the ring and announces to all that she has been placed on probation. She does indeed realize that her actions were wrong but she kind of figured that the Board of Directors would make an exception for her this time since Heyman was such a slimy, greasy, creepy as hell excuse for a man. Lulzzz. She admits that they didn’t and that they’ve assigned her an executive coach to her help with her development as the GM.
Cue Daniel Bryan!
Wait… what? CM Punk is like “….is he your Coach?!”
Oh God. I really don’t think I can handle this. Daniel Bryan is perfect. He claims that he is responsible for AJ’s mental issues because he is the one who dumped her after WrestleMania. He makes it weird by twirling his beard and proclaiming that he is a catch because he’s handsome, a former World Heavyweight Champion, and because of said beard being so great. When Vickie Guerrero and Paul Heyman both look weirded out, you know you are doing your job. DB also starts on the fact that he is Tag Team Champions. He’s basically fallen off his rocker too at this point and it’s glorious.
Cue Kane!!!!!! This really couldn’t get any better, could it? Kane has a microphone as well and says that every single person in this ring has failed to mention one very important fact about AJ. She’s a phenomenal kisser. Oh good grief. Kane goes on to say that he is tag team champions and that starts him and DB screaming at one another. With all the testosterone in the ring raging out of control, Punk and Prince Dawlf start throwing up their title and MiTB briefcase and screaming at one another as well. AJ wants them to stop, she keeps saying it, over and over again. Then finally she flips out screaming which causes everyone to stop and stare at her like she is crazy. She makes a main event for tonight that will feature DB and Kane taking on CM Punk and Prince Dawlf.
Raw is off to a hell of a start I must say.
After a couple of matches, we are treated to another Diva sighting. This time it’s Kaitlyn and she’s backstage putting on her socks, and getting ready for a match? She’s in gear, whatever is going on, and AJ walks up to her. Chickbusters?! AJ introduces Kaitlyn to her coach and says that he is here to observe her because some of her decision making skills have been questionable to say the least. AJ makes the comment that Kaitlyn looks like she is about ready to go, and Kaitlyn replies “soon.” So I’m just going to assume that Kaitlyn is about to do a photoshoot in her gear…. yup. AJ kind of gives Kaitlyn an awkward apology, reminding all of us that the two girls used to be the best of friends before Daniel Bryan got involved. She asks if Kaitlyn will ever be able to forgive her. After a few seconds and before Kaitlyn can reply, AJ burst into laughter. She’s not really sorry. Kaitlyn doesn’t seem surprised.
I do miss the Chickbusters to be honest.
After introducing the breast cancer survivors who are in the crowd, the music of the Divas Champion, Eve Torres, hits. We’re going to have a match tonight! As Eve is getting set in the ring, they play a little video that she taped earlier. Eve is putting on the fake and saying that it’s a great time to be a member of the Diva’s division. She mentions the magic that Beth and Natalya put on last week, gives a shout-out to Kaitlyn who is apparently fighting so bravely to come back from her injury, and then she calls Layla an inspiration to young women every where. Eve puts herself over by saying that she couldn’t be more proud to represent all of them as the champion. Again, lulzzzz.
Hey, Bobby! Brad Maddox sighting!
Eve’s opponent tonight is Beth Phoenix and they recap what happened between the two women on SmackDown last Friday. Eve pleads her case and extends the olive branch to Beth, but the beautiful Glamazon isn’t having that. She does take Eve’s hand but she uses it to gain an early advantage in the match. Eve can do little to deflect the attack until Beth ends up meeting the ring post and rolling out of the ring. Eve pounces on Beth from the outside and works over that shoulder. Really, really nice outside work by the two. When Eve notices Brad Maddox counting, she gets into the ring happy to get a count out victory. At the last second, Beth wills herself into the ring much to Eve’s surprise.
Beth recovers and nails Eve with an inverted automatic drop, and then gets a chance to go for a cover. Eve manages to kick out. Beth tries to keep up her offense but Eve makes it to the ropes. The manipulative champion gets a little over-dramatic by holding her head and asking for a minute, then sneaks in and hits Beth with a neckbreaker.
Just like that, it’s over.
It’s kind of a shame the match ended with such a simple little neckbreaker. Even I find it hard to believe that Beth can get her butt kicked on the outside of the ring yet still break up a ten count, then get a cover on Eve. But she can’t kick out of a neckbreaker? Really? I’m not normally so picky but this actually bugged me. First time for everything right?
Moving on we go backstage and see AJ with her weirdo coach again.
They’re walking along the hallway when AJ stops to greet Wade Barrett. Oh boy… hyperventilating. There is just something about that man that does it for me. Probably because he is a man – a rough looking, bad ass, big, strong man who could…
AJ introduces Wade to Christopher, and Wade uses the opportunity to tell AJ his opinion on her job. I have no idea what was even said to be honest. My eyes were closed and in my head Wade and I were whispering sweet nothings into one another’s ears. Guh that accent. Dreamy sigh.
What the hell is this? Jinder Mahal, Heath Slater, and Drew McIntyre? I think it’s better for everyone involved for me to pretend that I never saw that. I also think I’m going to pretend that Ryback isn’t really a serious contender for the WWE Championship. He’s so ugly.
The main event is up next!
Before it can take place, we’re taken to AJ’s office where she is with Mr. Stevenson. He is giving her some advice on what it takes to be a good general manager, and AJ decides to make a decision right then and there. She suggests that the main event have a special guest referee and she tells her coach that it should be him. He doesn’t seem impressed. AJ runs him down and says that she can’t take advice from someone who has never been a player in their Game of Thrones (seriously, I had to get that in) and she basically sends him on his way.
So are we still going to have a referee for the main event?
Oh yes. Here she comes! AJ! This is the best quote of the entire night: “Think about what’s going on here right now. Think about this. AJ is the ref. She had something going on with Kane at one point. She almost got married to Daniel Bryan. She proposed to CM Punk. She was proposed to by Paul Heyman. And Vickie Guerrero got slapped in the face by AJ Lee.”
Dear God, it really is Days of Our WWE Lives. I love it.
Fun Fact: I was just about to turn 13 years old when Kane made his debut on WWE television. That means Diva Dirt’s own Bobby Lea Burchill was two.
Towards the end of the match is when AJ gets involved. She ejects Heyman from the ringside area. Then she turns around and promptly ejects Queen Vickie. Prince Dawlf takes his MiTB briefcase and storms off, which leaves Punk at the mercy of the tag team champions. DB nails Punk from behind and Kane makes the tag much to DB’s chagrin. Kane scoops the champ up, chokeslams him down to the mat, and picks up an amazing victory for Team Hell No.
That was really, really entertaining. Every bit of Raw I watched this week (which was everything I recapped) was great stuff with the exception of the Eve/Beth match finish. I can’t complain. All I can do is look towards SmackDown and wonder if anything else will come from Beth and Eve?
Until next time guys… Cryssi out!