It’s the reality show from hell: take two desperately hopeless wannabe alpha-males and a pair of shy, polite, impressionable twins away from their comfortable, simple, quiet wrestling careers in Britain and force them to tolerate each other’s presence as they get unapologetically patronised by everyone that they dare make eye contact with. The prize: the opportunity to spend the rest of your life insisting that choosing to sign with the number 2 company was anything other than a compromise and that you have no regrets of not waiting out for ‘the big one’. “Seriously guys, there are plenty of other reasons why I might cry myself to sleep!”
My name’s Adrian, and welcome to TNA British Boot Camp!
We rejoin our unfortunate victims at TNA’s secret underground base in XXXXXXX, where Deacon Dixie Carter has some special tasks for her guinea pigs. Hannah and Holly Blossom, it seems, are not naturally attractive enough for the exclusive society of aesthetic perfection known as the Knockouts Division, and immediate modification is required. They get driven to a small dark laboratory full of unnecessary standalone sinks, where a strange living mannequin begins the enhancements, starting with the girls’ hair. It’s too much for Holly to bear, as she looks back wistfully and longingly at her teaching assistant job and wonders if she will ever see those snotty-nosed children and their terrible attempts at work that you have to pretend to be impressed by ever again. After a couple of hours, Marty and Spud finally arrive to rescue the girls, but it’s too late, the work is complete. The Blossoms are one step closer to being one of them.
In order to fatten up her specimens in preparation for the sacrifice, Carter takes the group to a local restaurant, where she lets them gorge on the finest steak and drown their insides with glass after glass of red wine. With the inhibitions low and the atmosphere cheerful, the boss woman asks how they felt about their appearance at Bound For Glory, where the baying hounds of the Impact Zone got the first sniff of their next big meal. The mood quickly takes a sombre turn, however, as Carter berates her helpless victims for their naivete. You’d better keep your ears open Spud, you never know what wavelengths these types communicate on!
Finally free from the watchful eyes of The Boss (for now), the group, realising that these may be their last few days on this earth, decide to do some sightseeing before convening at the victory party of James Storm, who has hired them as token British people for the locals to condescend. In a bizarre act of brainwashing, Storm uses Jagermeister, hardcore wrestling and casual sexism to put our heroes under his hypnotic trance, leaving them helpless to his every command. Before the grand sacrifice begins, Storm decides to have some fun, ordering the group to each have a go on the bucking bronco, with embarrassing results. Marty and Hannah free themselves from the spell when they at long last admit their besottedness with each other and embrace with a magic kiss. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for Spud, who, now with all of Storm’s mind control firmly on him, is made to face the ultimate humiliation, baring his pale and decrepit flesh for the world to see.
Fortunately our heroes escape relatively unscathed, and the final part of this chapter of the ordeal sees our stars sent to the top-secret training facility OVW, where agents Snow and Williams will assess their ability. Failure to impress could result in immediate extermination, so tensions are high. Spud and Marty almost crumble under the pressure, making a potentially fatal error on the ring ropes, but the merciful Snow grants them pardon, and allows them to continue. The Blossoms make a similar faux pas, and the nightmare ends with Snow uttering what is arguably the most telling line of the series so far: “We’re in trouble”.
Next week we have a double-header as the series enters its finale. Will our contestants capture the hearts, minds and tastebuds of the Impact Zone? How will the now self-conscious Holly cope with only being Marty’s “second favourite Blossom Twin?” And does anybody really care? Tune in next week and probably not find out!
What did you think of this week’s episode? Let us know in the comments!
27 Comments
at 8:23 pm
I’m done reading your reviews. All you do is bash TNA.
at 9:03 pm
I had to stop reading after the opening paragraph. Why did you get the most negative person you could find to review this show?
at 9:09 pm
You sure do hate TNA don’t you?
at 9:14 pm
Oh wow and I though Diva-Dirt couldn’t get any worse. I mean sure we have writers like Bobby who 9 times out of 10 will overhype the stuff he writes, but at least he goes out of his way to be impressed with what he writes about. What did this article serve? What if someone who’s never watched a day on TNA in their lives read this? Thats 1 potential fan being pushed away due to a terribly written article.
Im sorry and while I dont want to sound negative, theres a point where we cant just stand for this and people just need to get their acts together. Diva-Dirt, get it together. It’s 2013, halfway through January, get it together!
Melanie Reply:
January 16th, 2013 at 9:33 pm
While your criticisms towards Adrian’s piece may be valid and you are certainly entitled to an opinion (just as Adrian is entitled to have his opinion), I must point out the misguided sense of entitlement in your comment. “theres a point where we cant just stand for this…” You are not providing us, nor do we require you to provide us, a subscription fee for this website or any of our content. Everyone who works does so on a voluntary basis and provides 100% free content to you. The beauty of the Internet is, you don’t have to “stand for this” and can choose whether to visit or not, but please don’t act entitled.
iLUVValets Reply:
January 16th, 2013 at 11:40 pm
@RHAWK you have a point though, this site is on the decline, this used to be my favorite site to visit on a daily basis. I used to actually read the write ups and find them hilarious, but now they have gone down in quality, so I just watch the video, skip to the thoughts section, and read the comments. And why arent there anymore audio shows. Diva Soup was amazing. And where the hell is Eric. @MELANIE, @Rhawk is right, its time for yall to get it together. The quality is just not there anymore, and you guys need to find it again. Im saying this with tough love. Have a blessed day
Getdownwithachola Reply:
January 17th, 2013 at 6:11 am
And where is Jennifer and that one black lady??? i missed them so much.
Melanie Reply:
January 17th, 2013 at 6:17 am
Again, maybe you can provide all of the writers a full-time salary so they can devote the time to “find it again” as you put it.
Rhawk Reply:
January 16th, 2013 at 11:41 pm
That I can agree on, I mean if we dont like what we read, then we dont read it. And while I do like Adrian and how he provides us with some independent wrestling news, I just scratched my head as to why he posted something like this about TNA. If he doesn’t like the show, is there any real need to post it up to the public? But I’d just be repeating myself and I’ll agree with you in saying that people have the option not to read what they see on the internet.
at 9:23 pm
Wow hatred for TNA Adrian ?Sorry if I sound mean. Rhawk do say it best what if a person that never saw TNA read this. PS if a never saw TNA person does read this article and this comment watch TNA then make an opinion
magicmike191 Reply:
January 16th, 2013 at 9:24 pm
Mean but *
magicmike191 Reply:
January 16th, 2013 at 9:25 pm
Did not do darn auto correct
at 9:39 pm
Like to see you get in the ring and try it mate, get a job somewhere else pal, real wrestling fans only on this site. You will not be missed. Write about a subject you like, not one you look down on. Hideous waste of your time,energy and our collective patience.
at 9:50 pm
In comic boom guys voice – Worst Review Ever
Mr. AJ Lee Reply:
January 16th, 2013 at 9:52 pm
book*
at 10:02 pm
I don’t have any problem with the article- I think it was meant to be satirical, and I took it as such (and the episode wasn’t bad- I think the Blossoms will probably win, as I’ve heard they’re on the UK Tour, but haven’t heard anything on the other two).
Monkey Tennis Reply:
January 16th, 2013 at 10:31 pm
I think they’re all on the tour. Which adds weight to the theory that they are all going to ‘win’.
Not that this has ever been a competition in the first place, of course!
at 10:06 pm
I honestly think this is the worst, most stupidest wrestling show ever produced and what is the point of this show, this is how we find our next great UK wrestler by having dinner with Dixie and party with James storm, whateveer
on the plus SPud is so hot,
at 10:28 pm
As with last week, this was another episode where nothing really happened. We got a scripted meeting with Dixie (who came across as less genuine than any of the Stepford Wives), another random night out and the foursome all going to OVW for the…ahem…first time!
I still think all four of them are destined for TNA. Frankly, it’s not like they’ve been given enough to do over the past four shows for anyone to make any realistic judgments about them, and any sense of ‘competition’ is completely non-existent.
at 12:39 am
Am I the only one who thought this write up was hilarious?? Its obviously filled with satire and sarcasm, but I guess many dont enjoy that type of humour. Plus, Adrian is not criticizing necessarily TNA, but rather this show, which I think the majrity of us can agree, is one hell of a trainwreck. I thought it was a decent episode for what it was, but as others have stated, no competition is evident in this series really. Still think we’ll be watching all 4 on our tv screens in the future.
magicmike191 Reply:
January 17th, 2013 at 12:52 am
Thanks for clearing that up
at 1:16 am
Uh-Oh! Looks like some damage control needs to done. I guess the divas and knockouts being in a slump is causing everyone to turn against each other and the website itself:(
at 1:52 am
This article reminded me why I barely check in to DD anymore.
at 3:08 am
My problem with this piece isn’t the heavily critical tone or the attempts of humour; it’s abundantly clear that the writer hasn’t the best grasp of the wrestling product or TNA in general, hence why the article stumbles into making no sense during the middle.
at 3:47 am
Thanks for the article Adrian. I do kind of wish the “opinion” was out of the explanation of what’s going on with the show itself. Save that for your own opinion section at the end. Anyway, despite the hate, at least someone is covering this. I am not big on the show either, but well, it is what it is. Maybe something will come out of it.
at 5:52 am
I didn’t get any criticism of TNA in this review, other than pointing out the obviously horrible way of TNA’s hiring policy and the running of this show.
I didn’t think it could be worse than Tough Enough, but it really is.
at 12:11 pm
Well, this sure backfired completely.
The review was never intended to bash TNA or its wrestlers, but merely point out how cheap and clearly second-rate this particular show is, which is very. Where exactly am I ‘bashing’ TNA? Fair enough, the first paragraph was a little harsh, but hardly a total fallacy. As for the rest of the article, if you didn’t catch on instantly to the fact that it’s obviously satirical, maybe you shouldn’t be reading opinion-heavy sites like this? I’m not going to pretend something is good when it isn’t.
If you read my reviews of previous episodes you’ll see I have plenty of positive things to say about TNA, the stars of the series, and even the show itself at times. But for the most part, the show, as one of the commentors above rightly said, is a train wreck, and if you disagree then you’re welcome to write your own review saying so. Nobody’s forcing you to read this, like Melanie said. One of my real pet peeves of the IWC is this constant desire to be angry about things (I even do it myself, I’m not exempt from my own criticism here) that you really have no need to get so worked up about.
Remember what our hobby is exactly: We like watching a bunch of grown adults pretending to fight. The last thing we can afford to do is take ourselves too seriously. So when something bad or stupid happens, rather than make a fuss about it, why not just laugh? It’s not disrespectful, it’s simply accepting that in an art form such as wrestling stupid shit is occasionally going to happen and that there’s nothing we can do about it. That’s why things such as Botchamania and Wrestlecrap are so popular, and I don’t see them getting this kind of flak.
But if I offended anyone or got under anyone’s skin, I apologise. I’m a big fan of all four of the British Boot Camp contestants, having followed them for some years on the British scene, and I’m happy for any of them or any of the TNA roster members to let me know what they thought about the review. Smart money says they’ll take it in better spirit than you lot.