It’s the reality show from hell: take two desperately hopeless wannabe alpha-males and a pair of shy, polite, impressionable twins away from their comfortable, simple, quiet wrestling careers in Britain and force them to tolerate each other’s presence as they get unapologetically patronised by everyone that they dare make eye contact with. The prize: the opportunity to spend the rest of your life insisting that choosing to sign with the number 2 company was anything other than a compromise and that you have no regrets of not waiting out for ‘the big one’. “Seriously guys, there are plenty of other reasons why I might cry myself to sleep!”
My name’s Adrian, and welcome to TNA British Boot Camp!
We rejoin our unfortunate victims at TNA’s secret underground base in XXXXXXX, where Deacon Dixie Carter has some special tasks for her guinea pigs. Hannah and Holly Blossom, it seems, are not naturally attractive enough for the exclusive society of aesthetic perfection known as the Knockouts Division, and immediate modification is required. They get driven to a small dark laboratory full of unnecessary standalone sinks, where a strange living mannequin begins the enhancements, starting with the girls’ hair. It’s too much for Holly to bear, as she looks back wistfully and longingly at her teaching assistant job and wonders if she will ever see those snotty-nosed children and their terrible attempts at work that you have to pretend to be impressed by ever again. After a couple of hours, Marty and Spud finally arrive to rescue the girls, but it’s too late, the work is complete. The Blossoms are one step closer to being one of them.
In order to fatten up her specimens in preparation for the sacrifice, Carter takes the group to a local restaurant, where she lets them gorge on the finest steak and drown their insides with glass after glass of red wine. With the inhibitions low and the atmosphere cheerful, the boss woman asks how they felt about their appearance at Bound For Glory, where the baying hounds of the Impact Zone got the first sniff of their next big meal. The mood quickly takes a sombre turn, however, as Carter berates her helpless victims for their naivete. You’d better keep your ears open Spud, you never know what wavelengths these types communicate on!
Finally free from the watchful eyes of The Boss (for now), the group, realising that these may be their last few days on this earth, decide to do some sightseeing before convening at the victory party of James Storm, who has hired them as token British people for the locals to condescend. In a bizarre act of brainwashing, Storm uses Jagermeister, hardcore wrestling and casual sexism to put our heroes under his hypnotic trance, leaving them helpless to his every command. Before the grand sacrifice begins, Storm decides to have some fun, ordering the group to each have a go on the bucking bronco, with embarrassing results. Marty and Hannah free themselves from the spell when they at long last admit their besottedness with each other and embrace with a magic kiss. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for Spud, who, now with all of Storm’s mind control firmly on him, is made to face the ultimate humiliation, baring his pale and decrepit flesh for the world to see.
Fortunately our heroes escape relatively unscathed, and the final part of this chapter of the ordeal sees our stars sent to the top-secret training facility OVW, where agents Snow and Williams will assess their ability. Failure to impress could result in immediate extermination, so tensions are high. Spud and Marty almost crumble under the pressure, making a potentially fatal error on the ring ropes, but the merciful Snow grants them pardon, and allows them to continue. The Blossoms make a similar faux pas, and the nightmare ends with Snow uttering what is arguably the most telling line of the series so far: “We’re in trouble”.
Next week we have a double-header as the series enters its finale. Will our contestants capture the hearts, minds and tastebuds of the Impact Zone? How will the now self-conscious Holly cope with only being Marty’s “second favourite Blossom Twin?” And does anybody really care? Tune in next week and probably not find out!