Saturday, June 19, 2021

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Total Divas Redux: Episode 11, ‘Seeing Red’


I’ve literally sat here for hours trying to think of how to kick this thing off but I am literally drawing a total blank. Also, when typing “total” I capitalized it almost like I was about write Total Divas. But seriously, I’m blank. I don’t know if it was from the epicness of the episode and knowing I can’t truly put into words about how I felt when I learned that Vinnie‘s penis was too big for Cameron‘s (Ariane) vagina, or what. But seriously, wowowowowow is all I can say about what we saw last night.

I was shaking with anticipation when watching, wondering whether or not Nikki was going to sign John Cena‘s BS co-habitation agreement and I reckon she finally did. I mean, we never really saw her sign the papers on camera, but we got to listen to her gather advice from Brie and Mama Bella on the situation, and ignore John for awhile while she checked into a hotel and contemplated her future. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have signed it or not. I mean if I took the time to organize my Loubies and other designer shoes in a nice little shoe closet, and was then presented with some crap ROOMMATE agreement, I would be pressed. I would be hurt. I would probably be a total drama queen and tell the most perfect man who has ever walked into my life to just piss off.

Okay, I’m full of crap. My butt would have probably signed it after hearing him leave me voicemails all week and grovel, because that’s the type of person I am. I love those men that are so emotionally damaged and broken in some way because I have the overwhelming urge to save them from their past and from their future. I want to be their future. I want to be the one that makes them enjoy life again. I want to be the one they put all their stock into when they thought they could never ever ever love another woman again ever. I would have definitely strung John along for awhile before cracking and signing, but I’m also not a very good person. A savior I am, but purely for selfish reasons and thankfully Nikki Bella isn’t like that. And watching her crumble when John FINALLY explained his reasons for wanting this agreement in the first place was pure poetry. What an amazing man he is. Last week, I couldn’t stand him. This week, totally in love again. You got to love a man who supports his family. And yes, I have to respect the fact that he wants to protect that.

Alright Nikki, time to “accidentally” throw those birth control pills in the trash when “cleaning” the bathroom. I’m totally kidding.

Alright, not really.

I’m twirling my hair and trying to appear innocent having just written all of that. Don’t judge me. For the most part I TRY to not judge other people. That’s why I’m doing my best not to hate Cameron (Ariane) and Vincent for stealing Daniel Bryan‘s (Bryan) virtue. I don’t think I can ever look at the poor man the same after watching Cameron beat Vincent with a riding crop and both of them start chanting “yes… yes… yes” a la our precious angel, Daniel. There is absolutely nothing wrong with engaging in BDSM, despite the fact that 50 Shades of Gray have managed to take away some of the mystique and excitement of it, but I just know that the next time my man handcuffs me to the bed and starts spanking me for being a naughty little girl, he damn sure better not start chanting “yes… yes… yes!” If he is doing that, then how in the world is going to hear me say “thank you, sir, may I have another?”

Not everyone is a sexual being and there’s nothing wrong with that. My heart just broke for Cameron this week. She clearly has some type of hang up about sex and I give her so much credit for trying to tackle the problem and figure out what’s going so she can maintain a healthy relationship with Vincent. Whereas I don’t believe sex needs to be the most important thing in a relationship, it is at the top of the list. Both partners need that connection and that physicality and I respect Cameron for wanting to figure out what’s going on with her mind and her body to keep Vincent from being completely frustrated. This girl continues to surprise me week after week with all the different sides we see of her.

An ugly side of Natalya (Nattie) reared its head this week but all is fair in love and war. Her relationship with Tyson Kidd (TJ) has been well documented on Total Divas and we know how much Nattie loves her man. Her pretty eyes turned bright jealous green when she witnessed Tyson working out with Eva Marie in the ring. That’s how the relationship between Nattie and Tyson started, afterall. I love the fact that Natalya felt that Eva Marie and her flashy red hair and no bra could undo like a 13-year relationship and marriage with one innocent lock up. Talk about giving Eva Marie a lot of credit and having absolutely no faith in the man you married, Nat.

So what does Nattie do to attempt to fix the situation? Oh you know, she goes to the Performance Center and finds the hottest person there at the moment, which just happened to be a very shirtless Fandango, and gets him to work out with her. That didn’t go over well with Tyson, who just got jealous and angry.

Do unto others…

Our marrieds ended up working it out and like a classy lady, Nattie admitted she handled the situation completely wrong. Eva Marie, for once, really didn’t do anything wrong, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Except for Braniel.

Apparently success is a terrible thing in Brie Bella‘s book, unless of course, she’s the one who is being successful. Daniel, having had his innocence stolen mind you, being the top draw in the entire WWE Universe was nothing more than an annoyance for Queen Brie and she didn’t hesitate to use Princess Josie to remind her King that his absence in their life wasn’t going unnoticed. Queen Brie felt like she was getting the shaft (and not in the sexually gratifying way, mind you) and was well down on the list of Daniel’s priorities. Paychecks, performing, and fulfilling work obligations be damned!!!

Luckily, Nikki reminded her sister that being needy wasn’t always a good thing and Brie came to the realization that Daniel working his ass off at the moment was going to buy that dream house (likely eco-friendly with appliances that run off sunlight) for their future family. And honestly to be fair to Brie, when you are able to spend so much time with someone that you love, and never have to compete for their attention, it is kind of like a shock when things like that change without warning.

Brie womaned up and did the right thing, apologizing to Daniel for the way she acted. Daniel, being perfect, promised he would do a better job of trying to balance all his new responsibilities while still making time for Brie, and I am swooning because the perfect type of man is one who apologizes even when he’s done nothing wrong. They are so damn cute, I can’t stand it, and I know with the proposal looming on the horizon, I’ll prob cry like a baby when he pops that question.

So Braniel did end up with a happily ever after when the episode was said and done, and I, for one, am a sucker for a happy ending more than I am for a 40 percent off sale at my favorite shopping sites.

Such a good episode and talk about dozens of hidden gems this week. Of course, we can only pick so lets start with good ole number five! Naomi (Trinity) and Cameron were backstage at Raw talking while waiting for their match. Their talk was about sex and Naomi mentioned that Jimmy Uso (Jon), her man, turns into a Grinch when she decides not to give him any. So now, not only am I going to think of his funky feet whenever I watch him wrestle, I’m also going to wonder if he has so much aggression because he isn’t getting laid. Wonderful.

Hidden gem number four for this week involves Nikki and John, and their dinner. We all know John has issues with women thanks to his past and we now know why he is thirsty to protect his fortune. So when the word ‘marriage’ slipped out of his mouth, Nikki was quick to bring up the fact that she’s basically already come up with a prenup of her own. It basically involves a lot of sex and a lot of kissing, and John being John, definitely wasn’t about to argue with that. Just for good measure, they even got started on the kissing part right there at the dinner table. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what came next after John, no doubt, picked up the check.

Our third precious jewel is Daniel Bryan and his salad. You know what? It takes a real man to sit down at the table and order a salad for lunch. Yes, he is a vegan. Yes, he lives a healthy lifestyle. But dammit, this man ordered a salad. Did Daniel get to eat said salad during his working lunch with his hot girlfriend? Not really, and by the time the rest of their food came, Brie was done with the situation anyway, but nonetheless, Daniel Bryan remains perfect. Orders salad at lunch. It’s the little things.

This week’s runner-up for hidden gem of the week is none other than Norman Smiley. In case you aren’t really a wrestling fan, he is a former wrestler turned trainer, who works with the talent down in NXT at the Performance Center. I was a huge fan of WCW when I was little and I loved this guy! So for me, this is kind of a selfish hidden gem. It was just nice to see him still doing what he loves and those trainers do such a good job down in NXT. Loved this so, so, so much.

And last, but certainly not least, this week’s hidden gem involves Cameron. Never in my life did I ever expect to see someone I admire and respect carry about their own pee sample on cable television. And never in a million years did I ever expect that the first thing I would think of when this was happening on television is that said urine sample looked like the apple juice I drank for breakfast.

Think about that one. Until next week!

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