Saturday, June 19, 2021

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Impact Write-Up (December 12th, 2013): The Killer Queen Returns

Okay, so like last night a major decision was made that affected Diva Dirt’s immediate future. I kinda, sorta decided that Eleri needed to be sent packing so I manipulated my tribemates and got them to send her packing to Ponderosa. Meanwhile, I acted like a martyr, bravely volunteering my Thursday night ritual of a rose scented bubble bath, glass of wine, and classical music in order to take over Eleri’s duties as Impact writer. My tribe hails me as a hero. And I get to once again shove my thoughts and feelings in the face of the Diva Dirt universe. Victory is mine and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me…. muahahahaha!

So yeah, Eleri is off for the week and I’m still buzzing over last night’s episode of Survivor. Deal with it.

Like usual, I am coming into this thing cold turkey. The last time I watched Impact was the last time I wrote one of these; Mickie James was standing on a ladder cutting a promo and I had a bunch of hate hurled at me because I made this write-up all about me. Fair warning, I’ll probably continue to do that because my world revolves around me and my likes and dislikes, so continue reading at your own risk. I am totally cold turkey tonight, clueless to what’s going on and who’s even in the title picture. I don’t read results and I certainly don’t check spoilers. In fact, I had to look up what channel Spike TV was and set a reminder so I wouldn’t get that wrapped up in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on Netflix. You know, to this day, I still can’t decide which guy is a better fit for me: Mac, Dennis, or Charlie. Each of them have just enough loser to attract me.

You know, what’s sad? I broke a nail today. That’s sad.

Ohhh, wait. Cops (talk about high class programming) is ending, which surely means Impact is starting, right? Lets do this thing live, okay?

I can only assume they are recapping last week or some feud between AJ Styles and Dixie Carter. Who is Rock Star Spud? Why is there a roulette wheel and four confusing brief cases? Gunna need some help to sit through this.

I still kinda, sorta like how Impact shoots their scenes and backstage stuff like a reality show. If you take nothing else away from this future Pulitzer price winning piece of writing, you will take away the fact that I searched high and low for a silver lining. OH LOOK!!! After forty minutes of suffering, it’s time for the Knockouts.

Unfortunately, listening to Gail Kim wheeze into the microphone isn’t my idea of a good time, but she looks hot. Lei’D Tapa just looks like she’s either carved from stone or is a three-month old bran muffin. Either way, she is like… stiff. So apparently, Gail has been doing some type of weekly open challenge thingy and she is getting bored with the lack of competition. She wants her next opponent and ODB comes out. Like always, she looks totally trailer and is still drinking from her flask, and when Gail says that she can’t compete, ODB makes it perfectly clear that she is out here for another reason.

BOOM!!!!

Lei’D Tapa gets slammed with the microphone. A small brawl breaks out until Gail gets involved and it turns into a two-on-one assault.

MADISON RAYNE!!!

The queen is back! Madison gets rid of Gail and works with ODB to get rid of Lei’D. Holy crap, her post-baby body is smoking hot. So, so good to have the queen back! Gail looks stunned to see her former rival back in the ring and Madison gives Gail and her sidechick a queenly wave as they retreat. Welcome back, Madison!

Yay! I love Madison Rayne and I’m so glad she is back. The lack of Knockouts in TNA is so super depressing so having one return that has such an awesome history with the company is so refreshing. Madison totally came into her own during her TNA run. She proved that she was a dynamic little firecracker, full of spunk and fire, and I hope she takes that title away from Gail.

Oh, here comes Dixie Carter.

Dixie Carter might be the worst actress I have ever seen in my life. She’s bitching about Kurt Angle destroying the Wheel of Dixie or whatever, and then goes on about AJ Styles ruining her title belt or something. To be honest, I’m just super distracted by the fact Dixie looks like she shops at Cato. That skirt is so loud and those panty hose… I can not.

The man candy in the ring, Jeff Hardy and Magnus (mainly Magnus because damn…), can’t seem to distract me from Dixie’s awful droning. They’re talking about some title match for next week and Dixie lets them know they will be competing in something called a DixieLand match. But honestly, none of that even matters because at the end, she basically offers to bang them both.

And I am just like really?

To be fair, I had to double check that I heard her right, but yeah, my faithful hand, Ser Steven, pretty much confirmed that we heard the same thing.

Good God. Yes, Dixie, we are judging you. And we are stunned. Just when you think this show can’t sink any lower, it blows my mind. But anyway, Velvet Sky and Chris Sabin are backstage.

Like, what happened to you, Sabin? When you were with Alex Shelley you were the hottest thing ever to step foot inside the wrestling. You were like my everything. Oh, well here comes Austin Aries. I guess he is about to face Sabin for the X-Division Championship.

To be honest, I really don’t care about this match. We all know that we’re only covering this because Velvet is at ringside and she will probably get involved. And she doesn’t disappoint. I kind of like Velvet as a valet because she can be a centerpiece now instead of swallowed by a Knockouts division that is always going to be dominated by Gail Kim as long as she is around. Sabin loses the match and backstage, he confronts Aries for putting Velvet in danger.

There’s nothing left for me to really say. I want to say that I enjoyed taking over this but really, I didn’t. I guess that’s what happens when I decide to throw my power around and get rid of the other staff members. Truth be told, I need them. I need them just as much as they need me, and that’s why we are a happy little family.

This episode of Impact wasn’t bad, by any means. Madison’s return leaves a lot of potential and this is my first time really seeing Lei’D Tapa. What she’s doing with Gail Kim is no different than what Tamina is doing with AJ Lee, but we know that TNA likes to steal storylines and rehash various angles. At least they’re not giving up on the division and at the end of the day, isn’t that the main thing? The Knockouts in their heyday were the best example of women’s wrestling around. There’s no reason they can’t get back to that point. I guess I’m cautiously optimistic about this?

I don’t know, but Madison Rayne and ODB will be taking on Gail Kim and Lei’D Tapa in a tag match next wee, I guess. That might be fun!

Have no fear, by the time that rolls around Eleri will be back. Who knows? I might be the next one voted off the Diva Dirt island. I’m sure my time is coming up. I can’t keep bringing the awesome forever, but you better believe I will try. Goodbye, Impact watchers and readers. Until next time…

Namaste, bitches! ;-)

Oh wait… Impact just ended with Jeff Hardy showing up to meet Dixie and taking a glass of wine from her. I cannot…

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