First and foremost, I am very sorry this is late. I’ve had a rough couple of days between a good friend’s father passing away and then “Macho Man” Randy Savage, in a very odd and twisted way, both the exact same way. I have just been an emotional ball of mess. Between worrying about my friend and her family and losing such a huge chunk of what made me fall in love with this business. But, I love you guys so I am going to give it my best shot. Bear with me and hopefully this won’t be as lackluster as I feel.

We start this week out in the ring, with the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions, Sarita and Rosita. They’re taunting Christy Hemme and she is just playing along like nobody’s business. Out next is their tag team partner, Madison Rayne and this looks to be a six Knockout tag team match. Oh boy. SHE’S A KILLER QUEEN! Madison comes out, atrocious fence of a crown on top of her head and looks aggravated, as usual. She stops to wave to her kingdom before making her way down to the ring, grinning to bare it. HARDCORE COUNTRY! Their opponents Tara, Miss Tessmacher and the TNA Knockouts Champion, Mickie James pop out next. Literally if you’re Tessmacher. Mickie flashes that gold strap up to the crowd and Tara just looks like a bouncer from the club down the street. This should be a rather fun loving match-up.

I gotta say, Mickie looks like she’s toning up and I’m actually loving her outfit. Tess, naturally, starts taking off her clothes while Tara just wants to get her hands on Madison Rayne. But, before this match can start, the men of Mexican America make their way onto the stage and then over to the announce booth, apparently going to translate the commentary into spanish. Or spanglish. I’m not sure but all I know is, I’m pretty sure after the beatdown they gave poor Willie Urbina, he’s in need of a replacement. Nonetheless, the official finally calls for the bell and when Tara declares she’s starting this match, Madison is quick to retreat to the outside. Instead, she tags in little Rosita in her place and starts barking orders like the wicked stepmother.

On the other side, Tara switches it up with Mickie while Rosita takes out her hula hoop earrings and attempts to get in Mickie’s face, shoving at her. However, she gets knocked back on her ass and flipped around into an arm wrench turned headlock. But the little fireball manages Mickie back in the corner and Madison tags herself in, starting the triple beatdown on the champion. Tess and Tara attempt to come over to equal things up but Earl Hebner backs them into their own corner. Well, that’s no fair, old man. Come on!

And just like that, Madison has the upperhand, thanks to Loco Latinas. She lays a foot to Mickie’s throat and then steps to the middle of the ring, tossing words over at Tara. However, when the former bodyguard gets in the ring, Madison is quick to back up. This gives Mickie James just enough time to come out of the corner and nail Madison right in the face. She twists her arm and points at Tara, tagging her in but again, Madison runs away like a scared child, tagging in Sarita. I realize she is sporting her true Mexican colors but she looks like a Christmas decoration. It’s May. Give it up.

Anyway, she shimmies her way in and shows it off to Tara, giving her a dropkick into the corner. She charges but Tara goes up and goes for the roll up, dropping her with a clotheslines. Her eyes are on Madison but the “Queen” isn’t getting in. Instead, Tara backs Sarita up and allows Tessmacher to tag in, pulling off a double team clothesline/dance break. Then Tess does some weird ass break dancing/stripper move that turns into an elbow drop. A pin attempt and gets a two count but Sarita kicks up, comes up but Tess stays on her, dancing through the forearms. An attempted rebound on the ropes and Rosita grabs her hair, leading to yet another beatdown in the corner, this time on Tess. Meanwhile, Anarquia won’t shut the hell up on commentary.

Back to action, Tess comes out of the corner and goes for a roll up on Madison but doesn’t quite cut it. However, this gives Tess the space to head over to her corner and tag in Tara, but not without futile attempts from Madison to keep her from reaching the corner. A push kick and the tag is made, which slowly brings Tara in. Madison is down in the corner but she rolls out, tagging Sarita in the process. Jesus. Just deal with it Madison. Tara’s gonna whip your ass eventually. But right now, she’s going to take her frustration out on Rosita, knocking her down with a large spinning side slam. I definitely have to say that Rosita took that like a sumbitch!

Tara goes for the pin but Sarita puts a boot to Tara’s back, breaking up the pin. This brings everyone but the former champion into the middle of the ring. However, Tess and Mickie both go after Sarita, tossing her out of the ring while Rosita slowly gets to her feet. With Tara’s back turned, Madison looks to troll up on her but Tara flashes around, catching her in the act. Brattycakes quickly changes her story and puts her hands up in innocence, taking hold of Rosita and tossing her into the angry Tara. A very nice chokeslam powerbomb leads to a pin and Tara gets the three, winning this match for her team. But her eyes stay on the retreating Madison Rayne the whole time and as soon as Hebner’s hand touches for the three, she shoves Rosita off and uses the ropes to hold her back. YOU BETTA HOLD HER BACK!

A little later in the show, Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle are throwing out insults and setting up matches for Slammiversary. However, the important part is, Jeff’s music hits and rising from the stage ala Kurt’s signature entrance, is Karen Jarrett. And she’s in a wheelchair, basking in her own glory. Kurt looks like he wants to vomit while Jeff looks like a kid in a candy store. Karen has a microphone, a bandage on her foot and again, she looks like she’s going to the prom. She tells Kurt that Big Daddy isn’t going to be alone at Slammiversary either. She asks Kurt repeatedly if he’s happy to see her while meanwhile, coming up from the shadows, is Velvet Sky. You remember her right? The one Karen tortured for weeks about being Kurt’s mistress when all along it was Chyna. That one.

She’s shaking her head, hands on her hips while Karen tells Kurt that while his plan may have knocked her down, he will never EVER take her out. Meanwhile, Kurt is giggling like a girl and Jeff is trying to get his wife’s attention. Did you seriously think the crowd was cheering for you, Karen? Honestly? A wicked little laugh and Velvet snatches the microphone from Karen’s hands, calling her a gremlin and counting as she asks the crowd if she wants to see Karen go for a ride. Karen tries to put on the brakes but Velvet pushes her on down the ramp, causing her to collide with Jeff Jarrett, crashing to the floor. Kurt Angle is nearly in tears with laughter and Velvet is jumping up and down on one leg. Oh Vel Vel. I love thee.

Jeff is just near distraught, checking on Karen, who is down on the floor. Kurt Angle’s gold medal is on the line and Velvet is happy as pie. But again, Big Daddy reminds us that Karen is a mother of five but do we care? Hell no. Velvet just pushed her ass down the ramp in a wheelchair. I’m ecstatic.

Now, I know we’ve taken a break from the Twilight Zone of things in the last couple of weeks but this week, it comes back with a vengeance. Winter is sitting backstage with the Zombie Terminator, Angelina Love. She asks her if she’s ready but naturally, she has no response. Winter says that tonight is the night and after tonight, Velvet will never bother them again. It will just the two of them, just like before, but a different time and place. Do you remember, Angelina? DO YOU REMEMBER?! I don’t either. But, sealing with a creepy obsessed kiss, Winter puts her lips to Zombilina’s and takes her hand. Let’s go love, she says. Right.

She’s a supa-freak, supa-freak! She’s supa-freaky! …In the Frankenstein’s bride kind of way.

Continuing on with introductions, looking lovely as ever, is Christy Hemme. She states that the next match is a 2-on-1 handicap match and out to the ring first is the team of Winter and Angelina aka Morticia and Frankenstein. It’s a little early for Halloween, don’t you think? Winter steps out first and beckons Angelina to the stage. They slowly make their way to the ring and Angelina even crawls into the ring like a monster under control while Winter basks on the turnbuckle. Out next, at a disadvantage apparently, a knockout favorite in Velvet Sky. She hits the ramp and smirks as she shakes her head, shooing her opponents back as she enters the ring. Poor Tazz, missing his pigeons as Velvet simply steps in the ring.

For those wondering and out of the loop, this is a product of Velvet’s earlier antics. Jarrett went to Eric Bischoff and this is the result of punishment. But Velvet is just going to brush it off her shoulder, until Winter yanks Velvet over in the corner close enough to tag in Terminator. Angelina slowly steps in the ring, stoic as ever, wrapping her fingers around Velvet’s throat. But Vel Vel bounces off, going right after Winter in the corner, knocking her back. A comeback attempt at a flying clothesline but Angelina barely budges while Velvet gets a slap from behind from Winter. Back in the corner and Angelina tags in Winter. She won’t budge or even show emotion but she knows how to tag someone in….

Whatever.

Winter wraps her arms around Velvet but the only remaining BP tells her it ain’t happening and she hits her with an elbow to the jaw. A flip, a kick to the back with a rebound low dropkick and Velvet gets a near fall on Winter. A nice headlock that had potential gets shoved into the corner where Morticia tags in Frankenstein, bringing out the double team action. They go for a double team clothesline but Velvet ducks, getting a double takedown of her own. Hebner rules Winter out of the ring and Velvet gets Angelina, the legal zombie, into a headlock from behind. Velvet demands that Hebner ask her but naturally, she feels nothing and throws elbows into Velvet’s midsection, knocking her into the ropes. A knee from Winter and Velvet’s momentum just downshifted. A drop down on the top rope leads to a clotheslines from Frankenstein. But the crowd is behind Velvet! Listen to that!

A glare from Terminator and she mounts Velvet, laying her with right hands until she tosses her back in the corner, making yet another tag. A double team and Winter is in but she doesn’t stay for long. Another tag to Frankenstein, who honestly needs to pull her pants and seriously, just make up your mind. All this slap happy shit is making me nauseous. Another tag and Winter is back in, laying boots and doing interpretive dance moves. Velvet crawls to the middle and Winter snags her up, dropping her down with a swinging backbreaker. A little flutter over to Frankenstein and she’s in the ring, slowly but surely. Too slow if you ask me. It earns her a roll-up and Velvet the victory for all the show.

Velvet almost can’t believe it and neither can Winter but Velvet is on the outside, gripping at her throat. But while her attention is on the livid Winter, a giant beast attacks her from the side. Well, it looks like a giant but I think I’ve got the beast part right. Out of nowhere, ODB pummels Velvet into the steel steps then mounts her, screaming like a banshee. She lays fists into Velvet and chokes her, calling Velvet a whore and telling Earl Hebner to kiss her ass. Um…no thank you. She slaps at her hamhocks and whips out her flask, screaming at the dirty whore to kiss her ass. Seriously…what in the hell? Honestly, if anyone is dirty, it’s obviously you. I’m just saying.

Thoughts: Well, that was…I don’t even know the word. You tell me. Haha. Always intriguing to see a returning Knockout to TNA….err, Impact Wrestling. Funny how it’s Impact Wrestling now but the titles are still called TNA titles. Oh well. I don’t have a whole lot to say this week. Fun show all around. I’m still emotionally exhausted but I can definitely say that this week was not boring. I’m pretty sure we’ve all wanted to shove Karen down the ramp in a wheelchair, or down a well. I prefer that option but Velvet got there first. I am very curious about this push that Velvet is getting. She’s all over the place. I love it. As for ODB, I feel dirty just looking at her. I may even go take a shower. Until next week, my lovies! xoxo

What did you guys think about this week’s Impact? Tell me about it!