- Total Divas
Bonjour all, and welcome to your weekly dose of Friday night recap known as the SmackDown Redux. Steven is out for the week for what I assume is a birthday celebration of sorts, yet I don’t have confirmation of this so we’ll just say he’s gone to WWE headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut and is fighting to get both Naomi and Maxine used in wrestling roles on one of the top two (ratings wise) shows in the company!
Anyways, onto this week’s show. It was actually filled with Diva segments… and when I say filled, I actually mean it and am not being sarcastic for once. We saw competition in the form of a non-title match between Nikki Bella (with Brie near by, mind you) against Alicia Fox, but on top of that AJ, Kaitlyn, Aksana, Eve, and Rosa Mendes were all utilized in brilliant form as well. Alright, now I’ll stop blabbering and pause the new Misha B song I had playing when writing this intro so we can get into the show.
Okay, so about fifteen minutes have passed since I wrote that intro because I couldn’t make myself turn the music off. Thankfully, you all don’t know that since by the looks of this Redux, it appears as if I simply started writing ASAP after the introduction was complete… which sparks me to wonder why I even said any of this in the first place, but what’s done is done and we are now taken to a recap of Nikki Bella’s wonderful Divas Title win on Raw. Once the flashback video ends, we spot both Nikki and Brie walking towards the ring as we discover the one and only Nikki B will be facing the spunky hissing queen of NXT, Alicia Fox!
Following a “Do not do this at home” video that I encourage you all to listen to, we… WAIT A SECOND… What is Damien Sandow doing in our Diva video?! Well since he’s included, I guess we will all have to “force” ourselves to watch it, and I sarcastically quote the word “force” because you should all have seen this brilliant man by the time this recap goes up in the first place. Anyways, once the guiding beacon of hope that is Damien Sandow finishes his video promo, we head to the ring where the Little Mermaid, Alicia Fox dances about the ring. (Psh, the Little Mermaid is jealous of how good Foxy looks.)
Alicia shimmies the shoulders and shows why Dancing with the Stars needs to come ringing up her Ponte Vedre Beach door, when she is abruptly cut off by the theme music of our Divas Champion and accomplished rap musician, Nikki B! Nikki, Brie, and “Little B” as she calls the Divas Championship on her Twitter account, then all make their way down the ramp and into the ring. I must say the Divas Title looks great with Nikki B, and I genuinely feel happy for her holding it. Anyways, the bell sounds and Brie slides out of the ring with Little B, as the two lock up and Alicia takes the advantage.
Nikki B scores with a jawbreaker and then boots Alicia in the face as if she was channeling her inner Lil Kim to Alicia’s Nicki Minaj. Brie lets out one of her Nelson Muntz “Ha Ha’s” to my amusement, as Nikki hooks the leg for a brief pin attempt. Our champion Bella chokes Alicia on the ropes using her butt, before snapmaring the leggy redhead and scoring with a necksnap for another two count. Nikki B goes for an arm submission until Foxy fights out with an arm drag. Alicia and Nikki then nail a double facebuster, as this proves to be the turning point in favor of team Fox.
Alicia hits a few sick dropkicks, proceeding to leap off the second turnbuckle with a back elbow (Little Mermaid turned Spider(wo)man). Fox matrixes a clothesline attempt from Nikki B, but the Divas Champion has seen this all too many times before and drops Alicia with a hair attack. As the referee checks on Alicia to make sure she isn’t injured from the move, Nikki proceeds to slide out of the ring and trade places with Brie (even though Nikki was wearing a choker type necklace around her throat region and Brie wasn’t during their walk to the ring). Brie kicks Alicia in the abdomen and nails the Bella Buster for the win! Nikki and Brie celebrate their win as it looks like Nikki B removed her necklace and outsmarted the point I was trying to make in order to make myself look intelligent, blast. Bellas – 1; Alicia and I – 0.
Backstage, John Laurinaitis and the new Executive Administrator, Eve Torres are shown walking down a hallway. First of all, +5 points for Eve’s notepad and pen. Now, Johnny tells her that both he and David are thrilled to have our D-EVE-A join them in the People Power movement, stating that he wants her to feel comfortable. He gives her the power to change whatever she wants with SmackDown so Eve, in case for some ungodly reason you see this, I would like to help you:
1. Since all it takes is your word to Johnny Ace and things can be changed, please inform him that you would like all Diva matches to include a new rule that states they can not end in under five minutes, nor can they end by roll-up. The referee will simply not count if either of these rules is broken.
2. Demand that at least one Diva get a microphone during every show. But don’t make it where they must wear them as they wrestle. We want to hear their voices say more than “Ahhhh” and “Come on!”
3. Bring Maxine to the blue brand and please continue to do everything right with AJ!
4. Treat yourself to a complimentary $5,000,000 bonus on me if any one of these things happens. (Note: See John Laurinaitis to be given actual money.)
Now that my suggestions have been heard, we go back to the segment where Eve states that she is tired of seeing all of these unknown crew people backstage. Miss Torres would like to implement a name tag system, and John thinks that’s a splendid idea! (It’s okay Eve, it’s your first week on the job so my suggestions can be heard next week… no biggie.)
Suddenly, Teddy Long interrupts the two and wants to know what position he fills with Eve taking the Administrator role. Mr. Laurinaitis informs Teddy that from now on, he is going to report solely to Miss Torres, which causes her to smile and “politely” ask Teddy to get himself a name tag! Sir Long does as told, with Johnny Ace complimenting Eve on a job well done.
Backstage, we spot Teddy Long channeling his inner “What could’ve been the stipulation for the 2004 Fulfill Your Fantasy battle royal if the way I voted had won”, and sports a french maid get up, which I’m sure Miss Torres is responsible for. The saxophone hits and the lights dim, which of course means in walks Aksana! She greets Teddy as he states how good it is to see her. Aksana claims that when he was General Manager, she didn’t even know he was old enough to have grandchildren which I attribute to many years of shovel beatings affecting Aksana in this way.
Suddenly, the music stops and in walks both Johnny Ace and Miss Torres. He informs Aksana that the favor she asked for will happen tonight, as he lets Teddy know that Antonio Cesaro will get a tryout match tonight that could lead to his hiring. In case you missed it last week, he was introduced as… well, what Johnny describes as a tall, rugged rugby player from her past. She thanks him, but Miss Torres has come up with the BRILLIANT idea to let Aksana do the guest ring announcing. (Does this count towards my rule of one Diva gets a microphone each week?! Eve, you’re on your way to the 5 million dollar bonus!)
Aksana heads off, as Johnny Ace asks Teddy his thoughts on what just happened. Unfortunately for him, he is cut off by an excited Miss Torres, who can hardly contain herself in telling Teddy some news she has come up with. Eve lets him know that he will now get his very own ringside commentary table, which she has ever so smartly coined “The Teddy Table!” Miss Torres tells him that he will begin NEXT, and that Johnny will have a microphone connected to his headset in order to feed him appropriate things to say and calm his nerves when undertaking such a task. French Maid Teddy is allowed to change into a “People Power” shirt, as he heads off and Johnny lets Miss Torres know of his approval to her ruling.
Out to the ring we go, as our llama loving Lithuanian introduces the following contest to be scheduled for one fall. From there, she welcomes the first competitor from “Culgry, Ulberto, Cunuda,” and “weighs one hundred ninety five pounds”… TYSON KIDD! Cheers fill the crowd and the room I’m typing this in, as Aksana’s saxophone music ends and a rip off of Katie Lea’s “Glitter and Glam” theme song hits! Out walks Antonio Cesaro, who you may commonly know as Claudio Castagnoli from the independent circuit.
Aksana introduces him from Switzerland and “weights” in at 242 pounds, before enthusiastically saying his name and clapping during his entrance. Cesaro walks down the ramp and into the ring, where he wipes his feet before stepping inside. Aksana wishes him luck and heads out of the ring, as the bell sounds and the two men lock up. Antonio backs Tyson into the corner and levels him with a nasty punch. A kick and a headbutt follow, as Cesaro boots him in the face and smothers him onto the ring.
Antonio drops an elbow and hoists Kidd up with a great gutwrench suplex. From there, Antonio tries to lift Tyson up, but Kidd manages to leap out the back and hit a kick to the stomach. Kidd runs off the ropes, but Antonio throws him into the air and drills him with a VERY European Uppercut! Following that deadly maneuver, Antonio picks Tyson up and hits a variation of what Diva fans know as the Faith Breaker (and what I will call it tonight since I have no idea what else to refer it as). Antonio easily scores the three count and Aksana runs into the ring.
She applauds him, as Antonio poses on the ring post and Teddy is instructed to do something by Johnny Ace. He removes the headset and climbs into the ring, where he proceeds to raise Antonio’s hand in victory. Following this degrading action, Antonio and Aksana proceed to gnaw on each other’s lips right in front of Aksana’s former love, Teddy Long! The two do not come up for air for a good thirty or so seconds, as Aksana continues to celebrate with her Swiss “friend”.
Backstage, we spot Abraham Washington stating how embarrassing it is that the WWE Tag Team Champions were neither on the actual WrestleMania pay per view, nor Extreme Rules. He asks Primo, Epico, and Rosa Fabulosa to join him in his movement to take them to the top of the food chain. A.W. turns his attention to Rosa and speaks about how he loves the dancing she does (YES! A man who shares my thoughts on Rosa’s beautiful motions of grace). He states that Rosa needs to speak more, to which I question if Abraham is actually my long lost darker skin colored twin, as we share this thought as well.
Rosa lets out (what I believe is) “Claro, claro” and then fills my ears with the joy that is her classy, world renowned Spanish. Abraham calls her caliente, as he tells them that he needs a decision from the trio by Monday. Suddenly, Ryback enters the scene and A.W. seems to take his focus elsewhere, leading the three to wonder if they should indeed take him up on his offer to promote them as the premiere team in WWE.
Finally, we are shown a recap of Daniel Bryan’s heartbreaking comments towards AJ from last week, the comments which caused her to snap on the Anvilette, Natalya. From there, we head to the arena where an emotional looking AJ is shown walking through a hallway. Suddenly, she’s interrupted by a non-chloroformed Matt Striker, who wants an update on her status with Daniel. Dear AJ seems too distraught to even form a sentence, therefore Striker asks a prediction on Daniel’s match Sunday. (Is Matt Striker heartless?! Can he not see AJ is in a bad state right now?! Johnny Curtis and Maxine need to enter the scene and chloroform him again for this disrespect!)
Mercifully, the voice of reason, Kaitlyn, enters the situation and basically forces Matt to leave. Kaitlyn tries to help AJ herself by telling her that she understands what AJ is going through, although it’s a good thing because Daniel is a jerk that never respected or loved her! Kaitlyn tries to point out that he did nothing for AJ when…
AJ smacks Kaitlyn right across the face in what I can assume has come after studying numerous tapes of Lita slapping Trish Stratus because this geek goddess takes no prisoners when it comes to the art of the slap, even if it’s her own best friend! AJ seems shocked at what just transpired, with Kaitlyn giving her big “WTF” eyes and walking off as AJ stands a heartbroken mess of tears and tragedy.
Thoughts: Lord have mercy, what a night of SmackDown action! Let’s go in order with how these items were brought to our attention. Kicking off with the match, I actually think it was really good for the time given. Alicia and Nikki meshed well together and their moves were quick and on point. Provided Miss Torres takes my ruling into consideration for matches to not end under five minutes, these two could have an excellent rematch if booked.
Speaking of Miss Torres, I have to say I love her in this new role. I really started to enjoy Eve a lot when she turned heel, but as the weeks went on, it seemed as if they were losing a place for her. Beth was the top heel in terms of title status, and now it seems to be Nikki, so it’s great that they’ve found a spot that gets Eve a lot of time to shine on the microphone and not get lost in the Diva shuffle. She plays this part to perfection in the backstage segments, although for some weird reason I want her to get glasses. Don’t ask me why, but every business person in WWE looks the part even more with glasses when doing backstage segments.
Also continuing the love fest, I overly enjoyed Aksana and Antonio. I’ve begged WWE to turn Aksana heel since she was seemingly a face when competing in matches. On top of the fact she’s a billion times better in the ring, she also fits the deceitful bad girl role perfectly, and her making out with Antonio in front of Teddy was the icing on the cake. I love when WWE forms male/female duos or groups because it always seems to come off interesting to me unless a rare “Ted/Maryse” exception occurs.
And hot dang, AJ is certainly living the Diva dream. On top of getting so much screen time in this program with Daniel Bryan, and now even pay per view posters, she got to SHOW EMOTION. This is something that the Divas division has lacked in recent times, and seeing her absolutely blast Kaitlyn in the face was pretty amazing (not in an “amazing to see Kaitlyn slapped” way, but more of a “wow this segment was great” type). I really would love to see AJ and Kaitlyn face off because their matches in FCW were great in my opinion, and that was when Kaitlyn was still so new so they could be something special to see on TV nowadays.
So until next time, let’s end this with a game in which you drop a comment and tell if you think pop icon Rihanna or my icon, Alicia Fox, looks better channeling Ariel of the Little Mermaid:
Hope you guys enjoyed this! Had a blast writing it so thanks to whatever caused Steven to need me to fill in.