Saturday, October 23, 2021

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #11

I told my wife last week that “I think we should rename our daughter “Gail” because all she likes to do is Eat D’Feet!  Well, either she didn’t like the joke or she didn’t understand it, because she just looked at me with a blank stare.  It was the same look I get when I forget to take out the trash or pick up milk.  A look that conveys general confusion at the choices she’s made in her life (I’m also starting to believe the laws of Virginia prevent her from laughing at anything I say.)  But, personally, I love this joke.  I loved this joke last week and I still love it today.  I’ll love it even more next week.

I guess I should have expected that response from her.  She’s not really a wrestling fan so why did I waste my best material at home?  I tweeted the joke.  No response.  No “re-tweets” or “direct messages” (how geeky does that sound Michael Cole?!)   I’m pretty sure that stupid whale crashed Twitter that day.  That must be it, because I’m sure SOMEBODY would have thought that joke was funny!

You get it right?  (I hate when I have to explain a joke, but here goes.)  My daughter is 5 months old.  Her middle name is Phoenix.   We call her the Baby Glamazon.  She doesn’t play with rattles she plays with dumbbells.  She prefers a tiara to a bib.   Perfect.  But now she spends all day throwing her legs in the air and sticking her feet right in her mouth (seriously, I can’t wait for the teenage years.)  All day long she likes to “eat d’feet”!  You know, which sounds like Gail’s finisher.  So…um… maybe we should rename her “Gail”.  (Groan).

I continued to think everybody else was crazy.  How could nobody like this joke!?  I’m pretty convinced I know what’s funny.  I actually think I have a very sophisticated sense of humor.  If I’m laughing, you should be laughing.  (No ego problems here!)  But then it hit me.  Some might not think that joke is funny because it refers to Gail’s finisher, which has the stupidest, dumbest, goofiest, most ridiculous name in wrestling history!  Of course the joke isn’t funny in the same way jokes about the Hindenburg and the Titanic aren’t funny.  What a disaster!

How did I not recognize this sooner?  Somehow I forgot all about my “Beyonce Theory”, the offshoot of my “Justin Timberlake Theory”.  I’m kind of disappointed in myself, especially because the theory works every time.  And yet somehow it slipped my mind.  I’ll tell you sometimes I think I am a modern day Confucius, full of all kinds of Chinese wisdom and knowledge, and then the next second I forget where I put my car keys.  So what is the “Beyonce Theory”?  I’m getting there.  As always it may take me longer to explain it than more experienced writers so bear with me.  (I know you are asking yourself, “How can he possibly top his “Kate Winslet” (Lay-Cool) or “Sandra Bullock” (Bella Twins) theories?”  Keep reading my friends…)

Before we begin I just want you to know I am a huge Gail fan.  This column is intended to help her, not disparage her in any way.  I think she is very active in the ring and features a flashy, yet refined move set.  I like her ring outfits and the way she carries herself.  I’m not a huge fan of her entrance music (I have always put strong emphasis on ring music.  I still get excited that high school graduates march to the Randy “Macho Man” Savage theme.)  I would enjoy a little more “character” from her; much in the same way we have seen Layla blossom this past year.  Gail’s personality seems generic but for that I blame the WWE writers.  Gotta give the girl something to do.  I love her finishing move except for its name (I read somewhere that it is has “stupidest, dumbest, goofiest, most ridiculous name in wrestling history!”)  I concur.  Oh, and one last thing, I think Gail is insanely attractive.  Looking at her is like looking at the sun.  Can’t do it for more than 3 seconds.  So, yeah, I’m a fan.

(By the way, I don’t want to argue about the success of Gail’s second tour through the WWE.  If you feel it has been underwhelming (and it has been) I place the blame on management because this girl can still work.  Gail clearly came back for the money which is a topic I’ll cover in a future column.  It’s not a simple discussion.  I’m pretty sure I would leave my job for a huge pay raise regardless of what I would be doing at the new company.)

To explain the “Beyonce Theory” I have to go back to when I was in college (or as Melanie would call that….the “old old OLD days”.  Compared to the other DD writers I am a stegosaurus.  I remember when we didn’t have microwave ovens!)  To make money for school I had a summer job as a camp counselor.  I enjoyed every minute.  In truth I was probably born to be a camp counselor but it’s tough to support a family working 6 weeks a year making minimum wage.  I was the head counselor for the 8-12 year olds and we did all kinds of normal camp “stuff” – swimming, crafts, sports, etc.  Our favorite game was simple…all the kids running around the gym rolling kickballs into each other’s feet.  You get hit…you’re out.  Simple game but a ton of fun.  The kids loved it, the counselors loved it.  Every single day the kids wanted to play “Gaga”.  Yep, that was the name they called it…”Gaga”.  GAGA!!   This probably explains why the game never caught on here in the US (I’m still waiting for soccer’s excuse.)

When I would go back to college I never called the boys over and said, “Hey guys let’s play a killer game of Gaga.”  You know, because I actually wanted to have friends.  It’s a shame really because the game was a blast and I guess I just never thought to rename it.  Plus kickballs weren’t the coolest things in college anyway.  That’s the thing about college; what was “cool” back home doesn’t always fly with your new friends.  I wish back then I knew about the “Beyonce Theory”; it would have helped in a lot of ways (i.e. dating).

Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit I like fitting in and knowing the latest social trends and fashions.  If that’s not your thing, no worries.  You don’t need the “Beyonce Theory”.  But this theory could be helpful to some of you.  I mentioned the “Beyonce Theory” is the sister version of my “Justin Timberlake Theory”.  To me, Beyonce is the modern day definition of “female cool”.  She is beautiful, talented, stylish, and an extremely successful actor, singer, designer, and model.  She’s also married to a really famous dude.  Not a bad resume!  I imagine whatever that girl touches turns to gold.  So when in doubt ask yourself, “Is this something Beyonce would do?”  WWBD?  If the answer is “Yes”, then you’re golden.  But if the answer is “No”, then you should probably move on.  I’m pretty sure Beyonce isn’t pulling the girls together for a game of Gaga.  That name clearly fails the “Beyonce Theory” and therefore it has been put to bed.  Maybe she plays the game with her friends but I’m sure they call it something else.  (I wonder if I’m the first person to ever refer to Beyonce and kickballs in the same paragraph.  By the way the “JT Theory” works the same way for guys.  And I’ve decided I would really like to be his best friend.)

So let’s apply my “Beyonce Theory” to the current WWE Divas.  Imagine all the Divas meeting each other for the first time (kind of like freshman biology class).  Each girl is standing up and saying something about themselves:

“Hi!  I’m Michelle McCool, and you better stay out of my way or I’ll hit you with the Faithbreaker.”  (Kelly looks scared)

“Hi!  I’m Beth Phoenix, and if you talk to me I’ll Glam Slam you right through the mat.”  (Kelly looks really scared)

“Hi!  I’m Gail Kim, and if I get the chance, I’ll make you Eat Defeat.”  (Kelly starts laughing)

Eat Defeat fails the “Beyonce Theory” in spectacular, historic fashion even though it is a brilliant finisher.  For those of you living under a rock, Gail executes the move by planting her boot right into her opponent’s chin before dropping to the ground.  BAM!  I love it.  That is why Gail needs to find a new name for this move…and fast!  I can’t take it seriously with such a dopey name (and…um…yes, I get the reasons behind why it was originally named that.)  I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Who cares?  It’s just a name, let it go!”

Well this is what I find interesting.  If you look at wrestling history certain finishers become legendary because of their name (i.e. the “Tombstone”, the “Stone Cold Stunner”, the “Rock Bottom”, the “Rude Awakening”), and yet others never had a unique name but were just as memorable (i.e. Jake Roberts’ DDT, Randy Savage’s elbow drop, Hulk Hogan’s leg drop)  So if you’re a WWE star you don’t NEED a  cool name for your finisher to get over, but if the move DOES have a name, it better pass the “Beyonce Test” or you are hurting your career.  Don’t believe me?  Run down some of today’s Divas.

I like the Glam Slam, the Faithbreaker and the French Kiss.  The Layout is OK but not great.  But the Kelly Killer?  Ugh.  It sounds like one of those Lifetime movies my wife forces me to watch.  Epic failure.  I can see Beyonce rolling her eyes now.  Last time I checked nobody on Diva-Dirt was commenting about how they’d like to see some more devastating Kelly Killers.  (If I had more energy I’d try to rename this one too…)

Just for fun, let’s quickly run the “JT Theory” through the men’s division.  Starship Pain…I love it (I just wish John actually hit someone).  The Hart Attack…a classic.  The Code Breaker…Jericho is amazing.  The Kill Switch…looks painful!  But the Skull Crushing Finale?  No.  The Zig Zag?  Nope.  Or how about the 5 Knuckle Shuffle?  (Why in God’s name do people pop for that move?  It’s a weak punch to the head.) Um, no.  I’m pretty sure JT isn’t telling his friends about his 5 Knuckle Shuffle…I know I certainly didn’t in junior high.  (Joke alert!  I’ve been waiting to use that one for a long time.)  Ironically my boy Mike Knox SHOULD have had a name for his devastating cross bodyblock.  That thing was sick!

So here we go, it’s officially time to rename Gail Kim’s finisher so it can finally get the respect it deserves (and since it already has a special name, it must have a new, unique name).  Gail, this is for your own good.  I have been rolling this around in my head for a few weeks now and I thought of some good possibilities.  I also got a few suggestions from you, the readers.  Let’s break them down and see if we can hammer out a winner.

OhioFan 1 suggested the “Jawbreaker”.  I like it.  It’s OK.  The problem though is that it sounds like a normal wrestling hold, similar to a backbreaker or neckbreaker.  Not enough sizzle.

Shameronstar suggested the “Gail Force”.  I like this one too, especially because I came up with the “Gail Storm” so we were tuned to the same radio.  I like Gail Force but ultimately I don’t think this name is descriptive enough.  It’s better than Eat Defeat though so we’re making progress.

How about the “TNT”?  Gail plants the boot, lights the fuse, and then drops to the ground – BAM.  Not terrible.

The “Kiss From a Rose”?  Kind of cool because her boot digs in like the thorns on a rose.  Getting warmer…

I came up with a few others but nothing really got me excited.  They seemed too generic and didn’t encompass the violence and power of the move.  I mean, damn, it looks like Gail actually takes the poor girl’s head off.  (Hmmm…that’s interesting…)

Thinking…thinking…well, how about the “Marie Antoinette”?  She told the French people to eat cake because they had no bread, and they liked the idea so much they literally did chop off her head.  With their “national razor”, the guillotine, no less.

The national razor, that’s a pretty cool name for the guillotine, or “Madame Guillotine” as the French called it.  Oh God.  OH MY GOD!  That’s it!  Bells, lights, and whistles!  We’ve done it!  With your help I found the perfect name for Gail’s move, a name that marries the style of its movement (a quick, sharp strike to the head) with its profound damage (it finishes the match, or in the historical sense, a person’s life).  “Madame Guillotine”!!  You want to shorten it to just the “guillotine”, fine, but I gotta go…I am so jazzed right now I need to go take a cold shower!

I gotta calm down…I gotta calm down…because we need to test this out before it becomes official.  Let’s do a quick hypothetical play by play:

Michael Cole:  “Gail whips Jillian into the ropes but misses with a clothesline!  Jillian picks her up and goes for a ‘Not Your Average’ Samoan Drop, but NO, Gail wiggles free and NAILS Jillian with Madame Guillotine!  This one’s over folks 1-2-3!”

Justin Roberts: “Here is your winner, Gail Kim!”

Michael Cole: “Let’s go back to the replay…Gail reverses the Samoan Drop and BAM!  Out of nowhere she strikes with the guillotine.”

Jerry Lawler: [Insert some inappropriate joke about Jillian’s mouth.]

Sounds awesome to me, but does it pass the Beyonce Test?  Absolutely.  I can see Beyonce standing up and saying, “So, I’m Beyonce, and if you all come too close to this, I’m feeding you to Madame Guillotine!  Snap!”  (Kelly starts shrieking in terror)

I love it.  I think the new name…Madame Guillotine…sounds perfect.  It is fierce and fabulous just like the move itself.  Just to be safe I filed legal paperwork so AJ Styles can’t steal it.  So from now on no one is allowed to “Eat Defeat” unless you are less than six months old.  (Waiting for laughter….)  Man, tough crowd.

— Mr. Glamazon

PS – My wife and I know a friend who basically has no neck.  Just a head and shoulders.  At a party a few years ago another friend saw him and said, ”Damn, he’s a guillotine’s nightmare”.  I laughed so hard I think I blacked out for 5 minutes.

PPS – I’m planning to take a small break for the July 4 holiday.  It is my son’s birthday and my wife wants me to blow up 82,310 water balloons.  I’ll be back hitting the ropes in a few weeks!

PPPS – Got Twitter?  @dlb19338

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