Friday, September 17, 2021

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #20) – The 12 Divas of Christmas

I have a lot of names on my Christmas list this year.  I have been working for Diva Dirt for close to a year now and it’s time to square up and show my gratitude to the hard working women who get up every day and try to entertain their fans around the world.  To show my appreciation I am going to brave the crowds and pick them out some great gifts.  Let me grab my Neil Diamond Christmas CD and we’ll head to the mall (by the way, has any Jewish artist NOT made a Christmas CD?)

So the Christmas season is here and I have to admit I’m pretty excited.  Not because of the upcoming Slammy Awards (which I do enjoy by the way, though sadly I can’t remember who won the 2008 “Diva of the Year”.)  No, I really look forward to this time of year because now I’m a part of all of this. Santa Claus, the carols, the presents, the tinsel, the tree, the stockings.  Since getting married in 1999 my wife has educated me on the importance of the holiday season, of all the things we need to do to satisfy our Christmas traditions each year.  She grew up with fun Christmas memories and now it is important to her we pass those down to our children.

My wife’s favorite holiday tradition is putting up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving because God forbid we just sit around, relax, watch football, and recover from our huge turkey dinner.  But I don’t really complain.  Like I said, I really am just excited to be a part of all this Christmas stuff.  Growing up Jewish I always felt like I was missing out. If Christmas was just December 25th that would be one thing, but Christmas is obviously an entire season.  As a Jewish boy this was challenging, especially growing up in a community with very little Jewish influence.  Being one of the only Jewish kids in your neighborhood makes you feel like everyone else is having a party…and you’re not invited.

Almost all of my friends celebrated Christmas, waiting for Santa to come flushing down the chimney to deliver lots of toys.  Me?  I celebrated the “8 Crazy Nights” of Hanukkah, or as we Jewish kids called it, the “2 Crazy Nights” of Hanukkah.  By the third night you’re getting a little tired of lighting candles, singing prayers, and watching the presents get smaller and smaller.  By the eighth night you’re down to Post-It Notes and erasers.  Plus my dad just wanted to hurry things along so he could eat dinner.  Doesn’t make you want to run around and spin the dreidel.  I guess that makes me sound materialistic, that I should really be more interested in the “true meaning” of Hanukkah.  Please, I was a kid.  Do YOU know the true meaning of Hanukkah?  I didn’t think so.  I’m pretty sure the word “Hanukkah” is Latin for “Not Christmas”.  Bah! Humbug!

And nobody even knows when to actually celebrate Hanukkah (or how to spell it).  All people know is that it is sometime during December.  We also know that several famous people are Jewish because Adam Sandler sang a song about it on “Saturday Night Live”, which is probably the most well-known Hanukkah tune in the world.  Not that there is a great selection.  I know this because when I was in chorus growing up we would sing 12 Christmas songs for the holiday concert, and then squeeze in the one Hanukkah song to pacify the 3 Jews in the audience.  It was the same song every year; “Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay…”  (And yes I was in the chorus.  Please don’t judge.  Have I mentioned my dad played the lead in “Fiddler on the Roof” for like 15 years?  Oy vey!)

But, hey, I’m not totally down on Hanukkah.  When my wife was pregnant last year we were hoping for a Hanukkah baby.  See I’m a Memorial Day baby, my wife is a Thanksgiving baby, and our son was born on the Fourth of July…so we were hoping Baby G would keep the holiday streak alive.  Hanukkah seemed like a good bet since it is 8 days long; it gave us a nice range of time.  As it turns out she was born on January 15th, the weekend we honor Martin Luther King, Jr. each year, which is definitely better than Christmas or New Years (tough birthdays), so we were pretty pleased.

I guess I was just jealous of all my friends while I was growing up, knowing that they would rush downstairs and see shiny presents under their tree.  I would go to my friend Patrick’s house later in the day and play with all of his stuff, which was fun but certainly not the same.  By far the most traumatic part of Christmas growing up was when my neighbor would dress up as Santa and make the rounds delivering toys to all the kids.  Patrick always got something cool, like a train set or a race car, and I always got a frisbee or visor that literally came from a cereal company (usually Corn Flakes)…Patrick and I still joke about this every year.  Give the Jewish kid a Cheerios scarf, he’ll just be happy Santa knocked on his door!  At that point in my life I didn’t understand that the holidays were about family and friends more than they were about giving and receiving gifts.

I did have one really nice Christmas memory as a kid.  When I was in ninth grade I had to perform a dramatic presentation for my English class.  I chose “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and memorized the entire book, giving a scintillating performance full of passion and emotion.  I did everything short of carving the Roast Beast.  The teacher liked it so much he sent me around to perform it for other classrooms in the school.  To this day I love that story; the cartoon is a classic although I did enjoy Jim Carrey’s recent remake.  I’m pretty sure the world would be a better place if we all lived in Whoville with jingjigglers and blumbloopas.

The “Grinch” is a sweet story because it does teach us that gifts and presents aren’t the reason we should celebrate the holidays.  We should enjoy spending time with our family and friends.  That’s what really matters.  Of course, presents ARE still fun and now it is my turn to play Santa.  So I’ve made a list and checked it twice.  Let me slip into my red and white Glamasuit and hand out my Diva gifts for 2011.

To Dixie Carter, I give you solid ratings for all of the TNA Knockout segments.  I think you are on the right track.

To Gail Kim, I give you a long-overdue push in WWE.  I’d love to see you in more high profile matches, I enjoy your work!

To Jillian Hall, I give you some great girls to train in Florida.  I hope this next phase of your career is rewarding, but I will miss seeing you on TV.

To Mickie James, I give you a run of successful tour dates.  If music really is something you want to do, then I hope you sell some CDs and keep the dream alive.

To Melina and Beth Phoenix, I give you years of good health after coming back from your horrible knee injuries.

To Winter, I give you a push in TNA and a chance to showcase your considerable wrestling skills.

To Mia Yim, I give you a spot of “Tough Enough” and the chance to kick some ass as you continue your climb to the top.

To Kelly Kelly, I give you a heel turn which I think would be awesome for your career.  I like where you are headed in the ring and think you would be really interesting as a heel or a “tweener”.

To Tara, I give you a gift card to PETCO, go get that spider something nice.

To Eve, I give you more extended promos like the one you cut on The Miz.  I think it was pretty cool and I’d like WWE to invest more time in your character.

To Natalya, I give you a long, exciting Divas title reign.  Congratulations on your first singles championship.

To the Beautiful People and Lay-Cool, I give you the respect you deserve for carrying your respective shows for so long.

To Taylor Wilde and Hamada, I give you more prestige for your Knockout tag titles.  I like the concept of women’s tag team champions.

To Tamina, I’m not sure what to get you because I’m used to shopping for “average” Samoans.  Sorry!

To SHIMMER and all Independent female promotions, I give you continued strong ticket sales at all of your television tapings.  Your passionate following is admirable!

To the Bella Twins, I give you nametags (I can never tell you apart).

To Alicia Fox, I give you the opportunity to wrestle in the WWE with your sister.  That would be pretty cool for the entire family, huh?

To the “smart marks” and haters, I give you lumps of Michael Cole.  Maybe during the holiday season the wrestling community can come together and celebrate the industry.  We’re all fans of a great form of entertainment, and that’s something we should all enjoy.

Last but not least, I give you, the Diva Dirt readers, a new Christmas song sure to become an instant classic.  Maybe this won’t replace “Jingle Bells” or “White Christmas” as a holiday standard, but I feel like it helps celebrate the start of the holiday season, as well as marks the end of my first year here at Diva Dirt.

So here is my Christmas song honoring all the girls of professional wrestling.  Let’s join hands and spread some holiday cheer.

“The 12 Divas of Christmas”

Download MP3: Right Click & ‘Save Target As’

Happy holidays all!  I appreciate all the support you have given me and this wonderful site during the past year.  Thank you!

And a sincere thank you to the other staff members here at Diva Dirt for making this such an enjoyable experience for me.  I’m looking forward to a great 2011!  Ho-ho-ho!

— Mr. Glamazon

PS – If you were shopping for the Divas, what would you put under their tree?

PPS – This is a good time of year to remember those less fortunate.  Please donate to Toys For Tots, the Salvation Army, or another worthy cause if you are able to spare the time or money.

PPPS – Follow me on Twitter at @dlb19338 and send your mailbag questions to [email protected].  My holiday mailbag will be posted next week!

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