Tuesday, September 28, 2021

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Raw Redux (January 30th, 2012): Eve’s Personal Nightmare Just Gets Worse

I realize that I’ve been absent from the Redux for the past two weeks, but I assure you guys that there is a perfectly good explanation for that. When I think of it, I’ll let you know, but as of right freakin’ now, I am back! And what a Raw it was, in every single way. The road to WrestleMania is arguably the best time to be a wrestling fan and last night was a good reminder as to why. The pieces slowly start to fall into place for the grandest spectacle of them all, and we’re treated with excellent matches, hot storylines, and our creative juices start to flow as we book our own personal WrestleManias in our head. Last night, I wanted more Kharma and after seeing her return the way she did at the Royal Rumble, I wanted her to have some type of epic confrontation with Vickie Guerrero. I wanted her to then make a beeline for Beth Phoenix and annoint herself as the person who was going to end Beth’s reign. I wanted Eve Torres to confront John Cena and blame him for not embracing the hate. It’s because of Cena that her man, Zack Ryder, can’t even lift his flip camera to film another episode of Z! True Long Island Story. I wanted Brie and Nikki, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, AJ to make a return at Daniel Bryan’s side. I wanted all of these things.

But I didn’t get any of it.

And as sad as it makes me, what we did see on Raw was so good I can’t find it in myself to be disappointed. We got a quick title match with an epic ending, and for the first time ever I’m finding a reason to like Eve and care about what happens to her. It’s pretty amazing and I can’t wait to get started so with that be-

Excuse me. I want to interrupt this very important Raw Redux with a very special bulletin. Sorry, Khaleesi!

Following a sure to be interesting “WWE: Did You Know” tidbit, we head to the arena as the angelic voices of Cameron and Naomi introduce Brodus Clay to the ring. They dub him the only living, breathing, romping stomping Funkasaurus in captivity… as what is this? A disco ball is shown hanging from the ceiling! Suddenly, the two ladies jive their way out to the stage in some new blue attires as the man of the night himself claws himself out from backstage. After an amazing shot of Cameron and Naomi as they pose under the disco ball, they help Brodus into the ring as the three slide from side to side showing off their overall funk-ness. The pyro goes off with the three posing in the ring, and his opponent for the night, Tyler Reks, climbs into the squared circle following a bad Jerry Lawler joke.

They go to lock up, but Brodus simply uses his brute strength to shove Reks backwards. Tyler tries to fight back to no avail, as Brodus takes control with his posed moves. Reks finally connects with a few kicks to the side, as he becomes the first person to show any type of offense against Clay! This seems to merely pump the giant up, with him hoisting Reks up for one of his Shee-plexes, before connecting with a strike to the back and finishing it off with “What the Funk”! Cameron screams her joy out, as the three all climb back into the ring and dance the night away with the crowd!

Thoughts: What a brilliant, phenomenal, heart wrenching, yet sensational segment from our resident dance trio. You can tell that WWE is seeing the potential in them with the added features weekly (from the Divas introducing him 2 weeks ago to the disco ball now). I love that there is finally something I love to watch that isn’t on internet programming because it really makes me look forward to Raw and SmackDown more each week. I do hope they begin to transition Brodus out of the squash matches soon before people start to get tired of them, but for now, I’m just enjoying finally getting to look forward to the televised shows again. Planet Funk forever!

Okay, seriously Bobby.

That ladies and gentlemen, is our own Bobby. How can I begrudge someone so innocent and happy?

Back to what I was saying now. The evolution of Eve.

It was announced earlier in the night that Beth would finally put her title on the line against Eve, which was supposed to happen weeks ago if you recall. Instead of a title match that night, we had to watch Ryder change a tire for twenty minutes while Kane lurked and our gorgeous Dolph beat up on John Cena. That’s pretty pointless but I seriously needed a reason to mention Dolph in this Redux. Now that it’s out of the way, lets go!

Eve is the first to head to the ring, and thank God she’s not smiling for a change. She’s visibly upset and rightfully so. It’s the little things that matter, and this is so good to see. Eve is looking over her shoulder, probably trying to make sure Kane isn’t stalking her, and once she hits the ring she doesn’t even play to the crowd. Beth follows her out looking like a dominate (albeit rarely seen) champion, and we get set for the match. King and Cole actually put over the Divas by saying a lot of them have several things going on right now (yay AJ mention), and they wonder how Eve will even be able to concentrate on this match. Once the bell rings, Eve goes crazy. She lights Beth up and gets her in the corner, kicking her down to the ground. She has to be restrained by the referee so she doesn’t get disqualified, and Beth comes flying back at her opponent with a clothesline that Eve sells so well that surely backstage Dolph Ziggler is proud. Beth picks up a defeated Eve and lays her out with a Glam Slam, picking up what’s no doubt one of the quickest championship victories ever.

Beth seems pleased with her effort and the referee goes to check on Eve. She’s suffering mentally and physically now, but our poor heroine gets no reprieve. The arena turns red, Kane’s music starts to play, and the Big Red Monster appears on the big screen. He calls to Eve and wants to know how she feels knowing everything that has happened to her man could have been avoided had Cena simply embraced the hate. Kane is pretty furious that Cena doesn’t want to turn heel, and he goes as far as saying that until Cena bathes himself in the jeers of the crowd that he won’t ever beat Kane, and he won’t even beat that hot piece of man candy, The Rock. Eve has her best confused/befuddled/scared soap opera faces going on, as she’s still in the ring. That referee who was checking on her? Oh, he got the heck out of there as soon as Kane’s lights came on. Coward.

Kane makes a pretty harsh proclamation that he will continue to ignore the Be A Star campaign and beat up Zack, all thanks to Cena’s refusal to become a bully. Eve doesn’t like the sound of that. What she likes even less is when Kane uses his mental thesaurus to pull out a word that I can’t even spell to threaten her. Tonight Kane is going to use Eve to hurt Zack.

Dammit, Cena.

Eve and everyone else is deeply troubled by this and to add some more drama, the pyro explodes signalling that Kane is on his way to the ring. There really is nowhere for Eve to go so she stands frozen in fear, staring at the entrance. The crowd suddenly gets loud and that’s because when Eve turns around THERE IS KANE! Oh my gosh! Creepy masked Kane is standing there and Eve screams in horror. She falls down and proceeds to play the part of damsel in distress pretty perfectly. Kane creeps towards. Eve scoots back. It seems hopeless. It truly, truly seems hopeless. That is until…

JOHN CENA MAKES THE SAVE!!111!!1!!!1111!!1

Cena rushes the ring and goes right for Kane, and Eve seizes the chance to get the hell out of that ring and to the safety of the Diva’s lockerroom. Not even Kane would dare stalk her there and while an impressive brawl between the men ensues, you just have to wipe the sweat off your brow and praise the wrestling gods that for another week, at least, that Eve is okay.


This segment was so, so much fun, and believe it or not, it’s the only time I will ever condone such a short match. It would have made absolutely no sense to have a legit match between Beth and Eve. Eve was in no fit state to wrestle and should have absolutely lost as quickly as she did. The ending, continuing to use Eve in this storyline, and all the little details Eve displayed absolutely made up for whatever bit of a match we didn’t get to see. We already know Eve is a worthy challenger to Beth, but only when she’s got her mind one hundred percent on wrestling. From a character standpoint she clearly has other things going on in her life and this ways incredibly well done on the part of everyone involved. Beth looks like a heartless champion who only cares about her title, and with what little we’ve seen of her lately, that’s the best thing the WWE can give her.

I have no idea what’s going to happen next with all of this, but I know for a fact that I’m looking forward to Raw next week. The soap opera fan in me is eating up all of this. I love it and I hope you guys do as well.

Until next week… Cryssi out!

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