Sunday, September 19, 2021

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Raw Redux (November 14th, 2011): So Yeah, That’s How They Build a Title Match…

Welcome everyone to the ‘blink and you missed it!’ edition of the Raw Redux! I’m doing my best to sound completely peppy, because if I don’t try and fake it, I’ll end up drowning myself in vodka and Red Bull while listening to depressing emo music courtesy of my favorite local indie bands at the moment. Yes, Raw really was that bad for our girls but with a three-hour long song, it’s hardly surprising. Logic dictates that more time equals more opportunities, but not in the spandex-clad realm known as the WWE Universe. More time devoted to the show, means less time devoted to the Divas, as was the case last night. Instead of our usual one or two minute match, we got exactly 48-seconds of in-ring action (thanks to Jim for that fact) and a lengthy video package that showcased Kelly Kelly‘s Maxim cover shoot. So without further… ahh hell. Screw it. There’s really nothing to recap.

I want to recap this, I really do, but what can I possibly say? Alicia Fox‘s dress looked like a palette of children’s make-up? Natalya spent 30-seconds of the 48-second match teasing the Sharpshooter on Kelly? Eve Torres and Beth Phoenix looked smoking hot in their gorgeous outfits, but fierce fashions doesn’t make for an exciting build-up to a title match that is apparently happening on Sunday. For all I know, they’re fighting for the coveted title of Best Dressed Diva of the Week. The state of the Divas division is pretty sad right now, and I don’t know how I can sugarcoat things anymore. Each and every one of them deserve so much more than what they’re given. They really do.

Kelly versus Natalya had potential to be interesting but with the way things have been booked lately, you go in not expecting much. Natalya hasn’t won a match in a million years and Kelly is a promoter’s dream girl right now. You know how it’s going to end before it even begins. But it’s sad when even your low expectations aren’t reached. The last thing I ever expected was such a short match with such a cheap ending. Kelly getting a roll-up after Natalya held the pre-SharpShooter pose for such a long time is ridiculous. I really can’t find any positives.

What’s even more sad is there wasn’t much of a saving grace. We got a glimpse of Brie and Nikki backstage with Zack Ryder, and then Alberto Del Rio. They turned up their hooker charm (and believe me, I’m the queen of hooker charm), and that was it.

Sigh. I remember the days of the Bellas wrestling and I enjoyed those days. The Bellas should be in the ring, having storylines, not standing around backstage flirting with Superstar/guest host/random celebrity #2340978120492834. I guess I should be happy that they got a backstage segment. It lasted longer than Kelly’s promo/match combined. Maybe they can just hook up with Albie and Ricardo, or just use the butler to get closer to the lap of luxury. The butler is oddly endearing, and the power-hungry Bella Twins could end up falling for and fighting over him much to the chagrin of the champ. Hey, that storyline needs to happen. I need to work for the WWE.

Moving on and on a much sadder note, Vickie Guerrero made a wretched announcement. She stabbed my cold, black heart with a wooden stake when she announced that bb Christian (hottest of hot, the captain to my khaleesi, future accidental baby daddy) would be unable to compete at Survivor Series due to an injury suffered in a match against Fella. She blamed it on Teddy Long’s incompetence. I blame it on the fact I wasn’t able to run in the ring and distract The Great Ginger from hurting my man.

Ho hum. Taking bb Christian’s place this Sunday, since blondes are a dime a dozen and interchangeable, is the United States Champion, Dolph Ziggler, who I’m still desperately trying to get an honorary Diva Dirt tag for. The very, very fickle part of me is happy that Ziggles will be competing on Sunday now, especially since he has new-found facial scruff. It’s hot, he’s hot. I’m happy.

The only downside is that Mason Ryan is on the opposing team, and unfortunately that’s who Dolph faced tonight. By some stroke of luck, the match lasted about as long as the Divas’ match, due to wonderful Vickie slapping Welshtista across the face. Things got a little fuzzy after that because the guy on the cover of the book I’m reading ran down to the ring shirtless to interfere. I’m not sure why the wealthy Greek tycoon, who’s supposed to be seducing his new virgin bride, got in my man’s business, but it happened.

Oh, that was John Morrison?

I seriously thought it was the guy on the cover of my romance novel. Why else would he be topless and wearing tight jeans?

Good grief, I was so into that previous paragraph that the FedEx man just literally scared the crap out of me. But that also means my new boots are here so lets just wrap this up. In case you missed it, Eve and Beth will square off for the title on Sunday. Their match last month was pretty damn good. Can they top it?

Until next week… Cryssi out!

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