Tuesday, September 28, 2021

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Raw Redux (October 31st, 2011): Is There Really a Title Needed For This?

I’ll be honest, it took me a good minute to find the motivation to begin this Redux. Lack of motivation had nothing to do with the fact that the Divas were in Halloween costumes, or the fact that the entire match was predicted by yours truly in last week’s Redux. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact I trolled YouTube for videos of Tristan MacManus from Dancing With the Stars because I have a thing for a hot Irish man, and my God. He’s pretty much as hot as they come. What it all comes down to is quite simply a Halloween hangover, and the fact that I absolutely despise the Muppets. They’re scary, and weird, and I’ve never really been a big fan of puppets. I don’t like cartoons, really, except for Archer and South Park, and it’s absolutely unnecessary to have them on Monday Night Raw. I suppose it’s only fitting that the best video I could find has Kermit and Miss Piggy on it, so lets just get on with, shall we?

Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy are out to kick off Raw or whatever it is they’re doing, and luckily for me, Vickie Guerrero comes out alongside Jack Swagger.

Uhhh… where’s my Dolph?

Vickie is shrieking excuse me, and Swagger just looks a big blond hulk. Vickie complains about how bad it was when Hugh Jackman took over, and she’s even more miserable that she has to share the stage with livestock. I’m going to assume she’s just directing her comments at Miss Piggy (God, I can’t believe I’m writing about a freakin’ puppet) because Kermit is an amphibian. But anyway, Swagger decides to speak, which is always hit or miss. He brings up frog legs, and ham sandwiches, and says ‘wocka wocka’ which I’m going to go out on a limb and assume has something to do with said Muppets. This is so painful. Vickie and Jack deserve so much better than feuding with puppets. Miss Piggy fights back, and Kermit tries to play peacemaker, he tells Swagger he doesn’t want anything to do with him or his mother.

Okay, I kind of giggled there. Ugh.

Vickie is irate over this, but hey, the crowd pops and that’s what the WWE is going for I guess. Vickie ends up in a chest bumping match with Miss Piggy and as if things can’t get anymore random (especially since the title of this video was Diva Halloween Battle Royal), Santino’s music hits. I can’t.

He tells Swagger he needs to go warm up because they have a match, and Kermit basically pops for this. Swagger shuts him up and starts to brag about himself. He claims he doesn’t need to warm up because he is a former World Champ and an All American American. Of course that’s not why he doesn’t have to warm up. Because as if his resume versus Santino’s wasn’t enough, he drops ever so coyly that he will have Dolph Ziggler in his corner. Having Dolph in your corner is a heck of a lot better than being a champion and a collegiate champ, isn’t it?

Of course Santino has a rebuttle for this and it basically rip’s poor Swagger’s heart in two. Ziggles won’t be at ringside because he has his own match tonight. And then Santino drops the bomb. It’s against the notorious, the popular, the amazing internet sensation… the guy who lost to Ziggler at whatever the last pay-per-view was (apologies for not knowing the name, still on a Tristan MacManus high)… ZACK RYDER!

“Woo woo woo you know it.” Kermit/Miss Piggy zing Swagger/Vickie.

Cue ‘ha ha I got you’ laughs from the faces and shocked/angry looks from the heels.

Kelly Kelly‘s theme music!

The former Diva’s champ walks out dress in a snow pirate costume and holding a sword. I reckon this battle royal is next? Kelly walks over to the gaggle of random on stage left and kisses Kermit right on the lips. Well that was just rude. How you gunna make out with another woman’s man? Or frog… or puppet. Oh Lord. What is this recap?

Cut to commercial break as the snow pirate makes her way to the ring.

When Raw returns, all the Divas are in the ring with Robin Eve Torres being the last one out. Standing around we have Cave Woman Rosa Mendes, AJ as Mortal Combat’s Kitana (my favorite costume), Kaitlyn as Dog the Bounty Hunter (epic), Brie and Nikki Bella as Mario and Luigi, Tamina as Cleopatra, Natalya as the Queen of Hearts, Alicia Fox as a sailor (the cutest costume), and Aksana as Morticia Addams. I think I got all of those. We already know Kelly is a snow pirate.

Anyway, Beth Phoenix is on commentary with huge hair and a gothic looking queen dress in my favorite color purple (the color of royalty might I add) and she is the Queen of the Ring tonight.

The bell rings.

AJ is quick to try some video game moves out in the ring, but the other Divas don’t react kindly. Rosa gets dumped over the top rope first continuing her streak of being the first woman out in every battle royal, sans a few. Kelly, Eve, and Alicia team up to try and get rid of Natalya. Tamina is going after AJ and the Bella twins work together to get rid of Aksana. Kaitlyn comes to AJ’s rescue, but it’s a little to late. Tamina rids the ring of the popular SmackDown cutie pie. Kaitlyn does end up dumping Tamina out, which is good for her. The Bellas get rid of Kaitlyn, which brings Eve and Kelly to their neck of the woods. The BFFs go for the sisters, which leaves Alicia and Nattie alone in the corner. The Bellas end up slammed on top of one another, and Eve just has to booty pop. She also does a standing moonsault which is kind of pointless because you have to throw your opponents out of the ring in order to win. Oh well.

The poor Bellas end up whipped into the corner where they become victims of a 2K stinkface. After that, the twins are eliminated which leaves us with Natalya, Alicia, Eve, and Kelly. It’s three-on-one which is kind of funny since Natalya is supposed to be the heel in all of this. The three faces slap her around, and Nattie fires back with a spinning clothesline to Eve. Alicia and Kelly jump her and want to throw her out of the ring, but Nattie is able to dump Kelly, who hangs on, and then Alicia who doesn’t. Nattie sends Kelly out of the ring, but while she’s doing that, Eve comes from behind and gets rid of her.

Eve wins!

I’m going to assume Beth is furious because she has to face Eve again, and I know. This Redux has me assuming a lot of things. Natalya just can’t believe that she continues to lose over and over, and finally both Divas of Doom get in the ring to give Eve a piece of their mind. Kelly and Alicia hit the ring which causes DoD to retreat. Robin and her band of friends, the snow pirate and the sailor, end up on top on this Halloween night.

I honestly don’t think I need to make any comments tonight but since that’s my job, here we go. The Battle Royal was completely predictable but I didn’t mind it. Halloween is fun, so that’s what they went for, and it was a good time had by all. If anyone expected anything other than Divas in Halloween costumes, then I feel for them. It was never going to happen. Lets see if anything happens on SmackDown this week.

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