Finally… The Jack has come back to the Diva Dirt Monday Night Raw Redux!
How are things going, everyone? Life is great and it got a little bit greater last night as The Rock himself gave a certain Bulgarian jabroni a huge beating! Yes, that’s right, Lana was in the same ring with The Rock. Before I salivate all over my keyboard, I shall stop talking about that mic godliness and explain all the over Divas action of the night.
In addition to Lana having a war of words with The People’s Champion, we also got an appearance from Natalya, Stephanie McMahon appeared in our opening segment, Brie Bella faced off against Summer Rae whilst Layla and Nikki Bella watched on and WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee reluctantly teamed with Emma to take on the new besties Alicia Fox and Paige. Right, let’s get down to business!
Our first segment of the night (with no video available – sorry!) involves Queen Stephanie McMahon and she stops Dean Ambrose and John Cena from turning Raw into chaos before any action has even happened yet. Steph puts her proverbial sunglasses on as she throws some shade and helps HHH set up the main event. Basic stuff yet great to see Steph this week. Even if she is dressed like Tamina.
The second notable Divas sighting of the night comes from Natalya, who accompanies her husband Tyson Kidd to the ring for his match against Jack Swagger. Last week Tyson was hiding behind Nattie, and this week, he tells her to “get out the way”. Classy guy you are TJ. I’m loving his total douchebag character. If WWE film a Total Douchebags reality show, sign Tyson up!
Thankfully, that’s nowhere near all the Divas action we’ve seen tonight as next, Brie Bella will face Summer Rae… with one arm tied behind her back as per The Authority. An incredibly hot Nikki Bella is watching the action on the ramp as an incredibly annoying (in a good way) Layla stands at ringside.
Brie’s arm is tied using a specialist piece of bodywear which I’m sure is available in all Ann Summers lingerie stores. That’s where you get kinky stuff like that, right?
The bell rings and Summer blasts Brie into the corner before using those long legs of hers to her advantage, choke style. Summer then hits Brie’s face off another turnbuckle, a stiff move she follows up by tossing Brie to the mat. Having your arm tied like that and getting thrown all over will not be plain sailing, that’s for sure.
Summer applies a basic submission on Brie, hoping to wear the hippie-dippie Diva down. She mocks Brie, saying that this is too easy as she twice uses her shin to choke Brie, who is positioned on various ropes. Summer next aims to pick Brie up, only for Brie to send her flying head first into Layla who was getting a little too close to the action! Brie charges at a sat-down Summer and she clouts her with her patented running knee. Brie picks up the win just like before orchestrating a chorus of Yes! Chants much to her jealous sister’s chagrin.
Next up, Lana and Rusev address their situation with The Big Show, who is not present as she is undertaking sensitivity training after ripping down the Russian Flag.
Lana and Rusev begin by wishing Vladimir Putin a Happy Birthday. I wonder what his birthday party theme will be? The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Lana calls all the fans bigots and said that they have committed a hate crime and should all be in prison. The fans are getting irate, you could say we have a Pussy Riot on our hands. *Pats self on back for several month old yet still topical Russian current affairs reference*
Rusev then takes the mic, condemning the entire crowd and the Big Show. He says Big Show is a coward, just like all of the crowd.
And then I wet myself.
IF YOU SMELLLLLL!
Goosebumps. Shivers. Tingles.
Oh my god, The Rock is in the house! Talk about giving Rusev and Lana rubbing shoulders with the stars! This is going to be absolute gold!
I am totally in awe of The Great One and am definitely smelling what Dwayne is cooking as The Brahma Bull makes the audience erupt. The Rock makes his triumphant return, posing to the crowd and causing millions of women… and men to declare that there needs to be a clean-up on Aisle 3. The Rock takes off his jacket to a roar of female screams and proceeds to cut the most fantastic promo about the various boroughs of New York.
The Rock says that Lana and Rusev need to know their role and shut their mouths before talking us through his Monday routine. After some clanging and banging without showing his Moscow Moose Knuckle (I CANNOT), The Rock says that he ventured via his private jet to the Big Apple. He stopped by Lana’s favourite area of NY, the meat-packing district (I CANNOT) before heading to The Bronx and then finally landing in Brooklyn. That’s how you get the crowd in the palm of your hand.
Lana asks Rocky who the hell he thinks he is and declares that he needs to “SHU TUP”! The Rock retaliates with:
“And you need to strop dressing like a Soviet streetwalker.” (I CANNOT)
Rusev says that Dwayne is a piece of garbage and The Rock is having none of it. He said that Rusev’s breath smells like Chewbacca’s genitalia (how does he know what that smells like?!) and says that although Lana is beautiful (which hilariously makes her blush), she walks around like she’s got a Smirnoff bottle shoved up her Putin!
I CANNOT!! I thought the only person that had done that was Chyna?
The Rock tells Rusev that it “DOESN’T MATTER” what he thinks before proceeding to lay the SmackDown on Rusev’s candy ass! Lana looks on in disbelief as Rusev is sent to the outside and The Great One is standing tall.
Good luck to the Divas involved in the tag match in following that up!
Speaking of the tag match, it’s time for four incredibly crazy/mentally ill Divas to tangle it up. The team I like to call Volatile Cocktail, Alicia and Paige strut their way to the ring first and I’m a little sad to see Alicia hasn’t matched Paige and wore a black outfit.
Volatile Cocktail are ready and waiting for their prey and out skips the champ, AJ Lee. She nervously awaits her tag team partner (as part of the team that I will christen ‘Box of Frogs’) and she’s not best pleased that she’s stuck with Emma. How rude AJ. Emma is perfectly normal…
AJ and Alicia start the match and AJ kicks her lanky foe in the chest before sending Foxy right into Paige. AJ wallops Paige off the announce table before Paige legs it out of the ring and out harm’s way. A. Fox starts throwing a fit as Emma is tagged in to a nice reaction from the crowd. Alicia knees Emma in the gut, yet the ubble Australian rebounds with a shoulder tackle and comedic kick to the face after Alicia tried throwing her to the outside and enjoyed a maniacal laughing fit.
After missing a running tackle, Emma is beaten down momentarily by Alicia, yet the Emmalution leader retaliates with the DilEmma. The announcers continue to mock Emma as Paige throws major shade at AJ, which I’m loving. Emma hits Alicia with the Emmamite Sandwich and proceeds to dance some more. That girl has seriously got ants in her pants. Or an STI maybe…
Fed up of Emma’s antics, AJ jumps off the apron, grabs her butterfly baby and just walks off. LOL. Emma is confused (when is she never?) and proceeds to get bazooka-ed in the face by a fresh Paige. The enchanting raven-haired lady then decks Emma with a scary looking RamPaige and this one is well and truly over.
Thoughts: I really, really, really enjoyed this episode of Raw.
Stephanie and Natalya were involved in small roles tonight yet both did really well at putting their current storylines across. I love that Tal and Tyson have been given a chance to prove themselves on Raw. This is one example of a Total Divas storyline taking place not just because it was happening on E! (as it’s been transpiring on NXT for quite a while whilst Total Divas wasn’t airing). I’m a big fan of Tyson and Natalya so fingers crossed WWE do an excellent job with this.
Let’s move onto AJ Lee. How refreshing was it to see a Face character totally blow off their idiotic tag team partner and act heelish. When was the last time a Face not turning heel left their tag team partner? The crowd ate it up, it was a simple yet majorly effective way of providing AJ with some character development and I loved. AJ is meant to hate Paige and want to knock the stuffing out of her, so walking off didn’t make sense on one hand yet looking at it from an alternate view, it made AJ just look like a badass who was over all of these Divas who are frankly a few bread buns short of a Baker’s Dozen! Paige also got the win and looked terrific in doing so. A win-win situation this week regarding the title feud.
Now onto the pièce de résistance.. oh wait that’s French. Anyway, onto the moment of the night. Lana and Rusev standing opposite The Rock. I love, love, love that WWE have faith in Lana and Rusev and I thought both of them did fantastic. The Rock was of course, his usual incredible self and I thoroughly enjoyed him tearing our love-to-hate Russians a new pair of a-holes. Absolute perfection and now I want this at WrestleMania. Have The Rock return at the Rumble, only for him to eliminate Rusev and have Rusev interfere later on and pull The Rock out. The Rock will then be forced to take his sights off of the WWE Title and firmly onto avenging America.
Are you desperate to see Lana and Rocky lock horns again? Let me know in the comments! Until next week everyone, have a bloody brilliant week!