They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. And now TNA British Boot Camp has graced our screens for the final time, I’m sure we’re all feeling the void it’s left in our hearts. It’s been a pleasure doing this for the past few weeks, guys and gals, but what can I say, I’m a masochist.
Let’s not be so negative. We had a good run, didn’t we? For all its ills, TNA British Boot Camp has certainly been entertaining (albeit often for the wrong reasons), and anything that brings the sleeping giant that is the British independent scene to a wider audience can only be a good thing, especially when the wrestlers representing it are as talented as our four contestants. So without further ado, let’s get cracking with the double-header season finale of this truly incredible show. Business is about to pick up!
We rejoin our stars at Ohio Valley Wrestling, where they’re looking to pull out all the stops in impressing their trainers, Al Snow and British wrestling icon Doug Williams, who will decide if they’re ready to head to Orlando and wrestle for the Impact Zone. After Marty and Spud’s…dysfunctional partnership in getting a victory over Someone and Whatever, it’s time for our wondrous heroines Hannah and Holly, the Blossom Twins, who actually had brief runs as OVW Women’s Champion a few years ago to show Messrs Snow and Williams what they’ve got, against another pair of former champions, Jossie Bynum (better known to us as Sojo Bolt) and Taeler Hendrix.
With speed, grace and teamwork, Hannah and Holly make quick work of Bynum and Hendrix, getting the pinfall on Bynum with a double-team splash. Backstage, Al Snow has some choice words for the twins, lauding their skill in the ring but suggesting they use their ‘femininity’ more, and accusing them of wrestling like “guys with boobs”. Ouch. My inner feminist is outraged. Get me a pen, I’m writing a letter to The Guardian!
To the surprise of absolutely no-one ever, Snow and Williams decide, to the inspirational chords of Coldplay’s “In My Place”, that all four will be going to Orlando to show what they can do in front of the Impact Zone crowd, the TNA roster, a worldwide television audience and most importantly, Hulk Hogan and Dixie Carter. This is their ultimate test, so let’s hope they don’t blow it!
Part two begins backstage in the Impact Zone, where the Blossoms are getting some finishing touches from the makeup department. The group reconvene and are told they have a message from someone very special indeed: Rollerball Mark Rocco! Rollerball seems delighted with the progress our stars have made since he last saw them, and has some very encouraging words for the four hopefuls. Yes, they sure have come a long way in those, like, two weeks or something…
The contestants meet once more with Dixie, to find out who they’ll be facing in the ring on Impact. Marty and Spud will be given the chance to vent their frustrations against each other, the Blossoms have a huge opportunity on their hands as they’ll go up against the team of Gail Kim and Madison Rayne. Talk about a baptism of fire!
The sixth and final episode (I apologise if I get a little emotional during this) begins with Hulk Hogan, putting over the occasion with a spot-on parody of, er, Hulk Hogan. We cut to the Impact Zone where Jeremy Borash and Britain’s own Magnus are at commentary, ready to call the biggest matches of these four young stars-to-be’s careers so far. Dixie, Hogan and the entire TNA locker room are watching eagle-eyed from backstage.
Up first is Spud and Marty, who leave it all in the ring in a fantastic back-and-forth grudge match that lasts the duration of part one. Actual wrestling, brilliant! (It’s only taken six episodes…) Marty picks up the pinfall, but both guys have certainly won the admiration of the TNA bigwigs after that performance. The Blossoms have one heck of a task on their hands to top that! Will they be firing on all cylinders or will they let themselves be carried by the veterans Gail and Madison? Let’s find out!
We begin part two with the two teams making their way to the ring. The Blossoms come out to a great reaction, decked out in their Union Jack attire (just like how all British people dress all the time, of course). Gail and Madison get a mic and taunt Hannah and Holly, but our heroines very nearly get the last laugh right away, as Hannah quickly rolls up Madison while her back was turned, for a two count. Hannah and Holly get the upper hand early on, with a nice double dropkick, but the heelish experience of Gail and Madison soon shifts the dynamic, as Dixie and Hulk observe from their aerie in the clouds. The Blossoms regain control soon enough, with Holly making the hot tag and Hannah taking out Gail Kim with some clotheslines, a nice suplex then a double hip toss to Madison Rayne, before landing a big double flapjack to the retaliating Gail, for a two-count. Unfortunately, that would be the last chance they get, as Gail rolls Hannah up for three, but not without using her tights for leverage.
Gail and Madison make their way to the back, not a trace of sympathy on their faces. The Blossoms look disappointed, but they needn’t be: they put on a great match and Hogan and Dixie seem to agree. This one’s completely out in the open!
As our contestants wait for the moment of truth, Dixie and Hogan discuss what the all-important decision will be. It’s not easy, as all four have impressed. Hogan compares the Blossoms to the Spice Girls (See what I mean about Union Jack gear?) but is nonetheless blown away by what he’s seen. After a painstakingly dull minute or so of acting unsure for dramatic effect, The Elders make their decision,and invite our four pretenders in to hear who they have chosen.
Hogan and Dixie have great things to say about all four of our stars, but only one person can fit the needs that TNA has right now. And for that reason, the winner of TNA British Boot Camp is…Rockstar Spud!
Spud wells up. This is beautiful! Our four talented heroes embrace, knowing that no matter who won, they’ve all done themselves and Britain proud. Marty and the Blossoms do their best to not appear too disappointed, but it’s clear from their faces how much this meant to them, and Spud is quick to console them, with some uncharacteristically kind words. Blimey, it’s almost as if it was…scripted or something?
But it’s not over yet! Hogan and Dixie have some more good news. All four wrestlers have impressed them enough that they’ll be given another chance to prove they have what it takes in the big leagues of Impact Wrestling, by accompanying the TNA roster for the Road to Lockdown tour! Marty and the Blossoms breathe a sigh of relief, as Spud closes the show with some emotional words for himself and his family. I don’t know whether I want a tissue or a bucket. Hurrah for happy endings!
So there we are. The end of an era. What am I going to do on Tuesday nights now? Congratulations to all four contestants, having followed them for a while in the British independent scene I know how much they’ve earned this opportunity, and I look forward to seeing them all (because let’s face it, they’ve definitely all already been signed) performing on Impact in the future, in the international spotlight that they deserve. Holly and Hannah Blossom got off to a slow start in this series, taking slightly longer to come out of their shells than the boys, but their personalities blossomed (yeah, pun intended, sue me) towards the end, and showed that they deserve this opportunity just as much as Marty and Spud. The chance to be on the road with TNA will help them immensely, and I hope they make the most of the extraordinary talent they’ll be in contact with. This isn’t the last TNA has seen of the Blossoms!
This show was wrong on so many levels, but right on many, many more. Anything in the wrestling industry that gets people talking is a good thing, especially when people with genuine talent are given an opportunity to take their game to the next level. That’s exactly what TNA British Boot Camp has done, and for that reason, I consider this show a resounding success despite itself. It may well have been a very small and very vulnerable individual in the playground that is the wrestling industry, and bullying is indeed wrong, but surely there’s no harm in giving ’em a tickle here and there, right?
What did you think of the season finale of TNA British Boot Camp? Who do you think should have won? Let us know in the comments!