Tuesday, August 3, 2021

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Total Divas Redux: Episode 10, ‘Nurse Nikki’

Okay, so like I love Total Divas. I literally live for this show every Sunday night. It’s the only thing that consoles me after watching DA BEARS have a bad game. Luckily, my team won today because there wouldn’t have been any consolation tonight. This was the most disgusting, gross, annoying episode of Total Divas… ever. I HATE feet. I HATE those creepy weirdos with foot fetishes (no offense if you have one… >.<). I don't even enjoy pedicures like a normal woman should. And my extreme dislike for all things feet completely manifested into a full-blown hurricane of pure, unadulterated HATRED thanks to the grotesque toe of one Jimmy (Jon) Uso. It was bloody. It was ROTTING. HIS TOE HAD A CONTAGIOUS FUNGUS ON IT. Like ohmygod, I can not even right now. I usually like to throw back a nice Carlsberg or Stella while watching TD, but oh no, not this week. I wouldn’t have been able to hold that beer down.

The fact he wouldn’t even go to the doctor to get it checked out just blows my mind. If I’m gushing from some part of my body that doesn’t normally bleed, I go to the doctor. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m a borderline hypochondriac (which is a real problem in our society today people… A REAL PROBLEM! Hypochondriasis should NOT be taken lightly, okay?). Regardless of whatever, and whatever it is that I’m trying to put into words…. screw it. Jimmy Uso just needed to go to the damn doctor. Naomi (Trinity) finally made her man go, and thank God. I say thank God because not only did Jimmy have to have his toenail removed, but come to find out, HE GAVE NAOMI THE FUNGUS. I don’t know what’s worse; getting a weird, creepy, disgusting foot fungus from your man or getting some type of STD from your man?

Okay… the STD is totally worse, but seriously… that foot fungus. Ohmygod… GROSS!

What’s sad is the nauseating and vomitous goodness didn’t just stop with Jimmy Uso’s toe. Oh no! We got to see John Cena‘s elbow surgery and you better believe it was gruesome. Now, y’all know I’m not right, so this isn’t the first time I’ve sat glued to the edge of my seat watching someone get sliced open. The twisted little part of me totes enjoys a good ole surgery. What I could have lived without was seeing Cena’s blood shoot up out of his elbow like someone had just turned on a water hose. Like, did that happen to me when I was getting my gallbladder removed back in 2006? Hey, at least John didn’t wake up during his surgery like I did. I remember violently throwing up because I had a tube shoved down my throat, a gaping hole in my stomach (or so it felt like but they used a laser, mind you), bright white lights… I felt like I had died and went to Heaven. I remember asking if I was dead and some nurse screaming “PUT HER BACK UNDER!” And then, I woke up in a bed, hours later, because I was violently throwing up the chlortab they had given me for the pain. I was put to sleep again only to be woken up again thanks to vomiting. Vicodin was to strong for me as well. I was never meant to be a drug addict, I reckon, and thus it was Advil for this girl.

This write-up is not about me. Oops…!

Cena’s surgery was a success, obviously, and he had naughty nurse Nikki Bella to help him heal anyway. They are a pretty sexually charged couple, are they not? John wasn’t too impressed when Nikki’s 26 boxes of clothes, shoes, jewelry, and purses arrived but really, 26 isn’t that bad. I would be lucky to cram all my crap into a modest 32 boxes, but I have a slight hording problem. I will say, that my collection of toys wouldn’t need much room. My one friend pales in comparison to Nikki’s chaingang of battery operated boyfriends.

Sadly for Nikki, her happiness at John’s was short-lived when he did the most horrible thing a man could ever do to a woman besides slap her with a prenup the day of their wedding. It gave her a roommate’s agreement. Oh, excuse me, a CO-HABITATION agreement that more or less said she had 48 hours to get all 26 boxes of her shit out of his home should he ever ask her.


I just want to slap him in that surgery repaired elbow and then scream in his face. Nikki Bella is a treasure. She is a goddess. She has a body to die for. I want to shake him and remind him that he is the one who asked her to move in. Nikki didn’t exactly beg him to have a place to live. I am so outraged on her behalf and on the behalf of trophy wives everywhere, myself include. I can’t say I blame Nikki for grabbing her stuff and getting out of there. In all seriousness, if John was going to spring something like that on her, he definitely should have put it out there before she got all of her stuff in his home. That just really irritates me. From what we’ve seen on the show, she’s not given him any reason to ever doubt her.

So, so annoying.

That just kind of sums up the whole episode. The backstage reaction to Eva Marie‘s busted ring announcing really worked my nerves. At least she’s getting opportunities, taking them, and trying. I know it’s just a show and all that blah, blah, blahhhhhhhhhhhness but she’s earning a living just like the rest of us. She just happens to be in a different of business with a different type of atmosphere. No offense to GINGER but maybe she doesn’t know his name because he’s never on television? Shady, I know, but whatevs. Regular wrestling viewers don’t know who Jinder Mahal is, and people who watch E! definitely don’t know who he is. Hell, the only reason I know who he is… well. There goes my entire theory about regular wrestling fans not knowing who Jinder Mahal is when I blantantly do.

Sorry, Eva Marie. I tried to help you out. You really did that a man an injustice, you know. But look on the bright side, at least you didn’t cheat.

I hope and pray that next week’s episode isn’t so glorified ewwwwww as this week’s was. The only thing missing was a recurrence of Cameron‘s (Ariane) yeast infection and Natalya‘s (Nattie) pissy tights. Yeah, I went there. How about some hidden gems?

Coming in at number five this week was Jimmy, Naomi, and Cameron riding around in a car together. The girls were singing and Jimmy was dropping f-bombs. And not rose smelling f-bombs if you know what I mean. He locked those windows and made those girls scream due to his stank. Beautiful.

This week’s number four gem is none other than the Lochness monster. Seeing Nessie show up completely out of the blue, even for one amazing split second, was everything to me. When I was a child, I would live for Unsolved Mysteries and all the stories they did about Lochness monster and where it could live, and just show rare it was. I never ever ever ever believed that it was a myth. In my heart of hearts I knew that such a magnificent creature was real. And it is. It’s on Total Divas. Hang on… what?! Are you saying… oh dear. Everyone who reads this is about to get horribly offended. So let me just say that this column reflects my opinion and my observations alone and does not necessarily reflect those of the Diva Dirt staff and website… yada, yada, yada. Hai there, JoJo! You’re about as rare as a Lochness monster sighing these days.

Moving on before people boycott this all together, at number three, is…. SANDRA! Our beloved Queen of Sass made her triumphant return to Total Divas this week as the girls sat backstage watching Eva Marie completely bombed. Sandra, never ever stop being so darn fabulous. You are the greatest thing on television, period. Even more so that my future ex-junkie/con turned yoga instructor husband, Vytas Baskauskas, and that is a whole lot of great! Also, his online yoga classes are no joke. The 20-minute core workout made me cry a little and that was just from watching it. True story.

The second best hidden gem of the week happened in the first forty-five seconds of the show. Nikki and Brie were hanging out, giving their measurements to a costume maker for their appearance on Psych, and poking fun at one another. These two are so cute together. They also decided to discuss Brie’s orgasm face. I was rolling to be honest.

And last, but certainly not least, the number one hidden gem of the week involves all things Braniel. Daniel (Bryan) and Brie have got to be the cutest couple in the entire world. I love that they consider their dog, Josie, their child and the face time segment between the two was sooooo adorable! The prospect of trouble in paradise next week has me cringing, but at least we know at some point this season we’re gettin’ a proposal! Happy, happy, happy days! I love them as this new power couple.

Tonight was not the best episode by any means and it left a lot of things to be desired. That being said, we know we are in for a lot more delicious drama and I, for one, CAN NOT WAIT! Six more sleeps until the next episode airs but like really, who’s counting… =)!

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