Thursday, September 23, 2021

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Total Divas Redux: “Twin Leaks”

Okay. Before I even launch into last night’s recap, I have to say that Douchey Frat Boy John Cena is one of the hottest men I have ever seen in my life. He’s almost as hot as Basketball Jersey Wearing White Rapper John Cena, whom I once envisioned myself marrying at WrestleMania in Madison Square Garden. Yes, we were going to rap our vows and everything, and I was going to wear these fly baggy jeans and a white tank top, with a backwards Boston Red Sox cap, because you know, I would be a heel. It was going to be so classy that I could not even with it. I was such an innocent when I was younger… le sigh.

Good thing I totally grew out of that John Cena fantasy because this man won’t even marry Nikki Bella. I sure as hell wouldn’t have had a chance. So why do I bring up two of John Cena’s many personalities? Because last night, Cena and his aliases ended up in a battle of the sexes with Nikki Bella, that didn’t end well for either of them. It all started when the happy couple went to the gym together, and Nikki made a comment that she could defeat John in race. John and his bestie Rob didn’t believe her, and one thing led to another.

It was decided that Rob would come up with a series of neutral, unbiased contests for Nikki and John to compete in, and the winner would decide what prize they wanted. They competed in go kart racing, ski ball, mini golf, and beer pong. And John won every single contest. That pissed Nikki off, and considering the fact that John didn’t take their competition seriously set her off even more. With every event he dressed as a character and had a new name, hence my newest obsession with

Douchey Frat John Cena who showed up to play beer pong. To her credit, Nikki was dangerously close to winning their beer pong competition, but she could never ring the last cup which allowed John to catch up with her. Upon losing, Nikki flung her beer in John’s face and stormed upstairs. It was brilliant. John was stunned by her reaction to say the least and after processing what had just happened, went upstairs to find her. Nikki confessed that she hates to lose and was irritated that he made a mockery of their competition. John defended his actions saying he wanted to make things fun because they didn’t get a lot of time off together. Obviously they made up, but I’m a little surprised John didn’t buy her some Loubies or another house to apologize.

Someone who isn’t very apologetic for her actions is our girl Paige. For those of us who regularly watch WWE, we know that her character is kind of sexual and kind of creepy. So of course, what better person to put Paige in a series of matches with than Natalya? We all know Nattie is a prude and doesn’t deal with sexualized situations very well so she whined and complained the entire episode. She didn’t like the fact Paige licked her face.

She didn’t appreciate that Paige basically crawled on top of her in a suggestive manner. She didn’t enjoy all of Paige’s little antics. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Nattie expressed her feelings throughout the entire episode to basically anyone who would listen. She even went as far as to make a random proclamation that her boobs were better than Paige’s (… probably because yours are store bought, Nat). It was just irritating.

Thankfully, Paige didn’t seem to care about Nattie’s feelings and continued to do what her character was supposed to do. The moral of all of this is that Paige was doing it all on purpose so it would fire up Nattie and make her more aggressive. The match between them was better and the crowd responded more passionately. And then Nattie decided to grope Paige backstage. Go figure.

As light and as fun as the episode was, there was a serious bit to it. Eva Marie was experiencing discomfort in her breasts, and for any woman, that is a major issue. Her implants were misshapen and she feared that one of them had a leak in it. Her suspicions were confirmed after visiting with a plastic surgeon and he recommended immediate surgery. Eva was hesitant to have surgery due to the fact she was appearing in more and more matches, and getting big wins, so she elected to keep her health problems to herself.

Her blood test came back positive for silicone, which is a poison and can kill you, which left her with even more questions than answers. When she told Jonathan she wasn’t going to have surgery he was furious and went behind her back to speak to Mark Carano.

When Eva found out, she flipped out and it led to a nasty little fight between the two. It took a heart to heart with the Bella twins for Eva Marie to realize that she needed to focus on her health first and she opted to have the surgery. We left off with Eva have her implants removed and replaced with saline ones, and her in a lot of pain.

All in all, another solid episode of Total Divas. Can’t wait for next week!

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