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Impact Write-Up (January 3rd, 2013): Setting the Stage and Stealing the Show


Good afternoon everyone, and allow me to be so kind as to welcome you to this week’s edition of the Impact Write-Up. If, like me, you’re still gutted that TNA’s fan voted Wrestler of the Year award didn’t go to Claire Lynch, then never fear. For it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new year, and the Knockouts are here to shine as they take the center stage in tag team action. Knockouts Champion, Tara, teams up with Gail Kim to do battle against Mickie James and Brooke Tessmacher in the first televised female match of the new year. With Jesse ringside, will this give the duo I dub as “Tarail” the added advantage over “Brickie”? Or will all the Hardcore Tessflockers leave the evening happy that their favorites picked up a victory? Answers to those questions, and many more (such as will we get our weekly Christy Hemme pan up shot?!) can be found by scrolling down and checking out the following recap. What are you waiting for?

A church choir assembles behind me as I sing the praises of all that is right in the world because the opening shot to greet us into the new year is the sight of Christy Hemme’s knees. And if you know anything, you know that Christy Hemme’s knees can only mean that our weekly pan up shot is not M.I.A. this week! Even if she has sunglasses on inside, I’ll assume it’s for a specific reason that fits my own personal approval… like maybe she wants to block out the commentators from her sight. Suddenly, one of my favorite themes in wrestling then begins playing, as I watch a pink clad Gail Kim step out from the back and await the lyric portion to kick in.

… Bye. They proceed to immediately cut Gail’s song off right when the best part hits, which is something I can only forgive because getting single entrances on TV is rare enough that we can’t be picky when it comes to how they take place. (Plus, I actually just paused the video to go listen to the theme so I’m okay.) Alright, now that I’m back, we arrive at Hollywood’s Greatest Couple making their star studded entrance, complete with a flex pose as Tara is hoisted into the air. I must say that I have a problem with something regarding this duo… that titantron. These are stars, not school children. The font used should look extravagant and world renowned, but it’s a little too basic for my taste. Yes, you can all see where my priorities are at when it comes to wrestling — video packages, titantrons, and theme songs!

Anyhow, Gail and Tara don’t look entirely on the same page, but nonetheless, all I can stare at is Christy Hemme’s sunglasses as she stands in the corner smiling. My Hemme senses then begin to un-tingle as she disappears and our rockin’ southern girl, Mickie James, runs wild and free down the entrance ramp. She looks ready to kick Tara’s ass back to its roots while she slides into the ring, and then proceeds to rock our world with some poses in the corner. (Okay, I’ll stop now but I was on a roll man.) Finally, rounding out the batch of grade A+ theme songs comes another stellar contender, in that of “I Tease, U Touch”, err, I mean Brooke Tessmacher! Brooke removes her coveted Impact shirt, as Gail Kim looks on angrily. Could it be because she doesn’t like Brooke’s new ring gear? Or does she just not like Brooke in general? We must find out!

The bell sounds, and after three paragraphs of my babbling, I can finally start to talk about the action! It’ll be Gail and Brooke kicking things off, and they waste no time as Kim throws her in the corner. Brooke runs off the opposing one with a nice springboard clothesline, and follows it up with an awesome monkey flip! As Taryn Terrell has her sights on Gail, Tara kicks Brooke in the back and makes the tag in. She rakes Tessmacher across the top rope and taunts her “boo”, before chopping her in the chest. Brooke is sent off the ropes, as Mickie blind tags in and Brooke slides under Tara’s legs. A snapmare, following it up with a kick from Mickie! James with a dropkick to Gail, as the two celebrate having the upper hand while Tara runs to her shield, Jesse. Gail now signals that she doesn’t approve of this, but before the two can get into any sort of altercation, Mickie and Brooke run up and clank their heads together.

Both women are sent into the ring, but it’s Mickie who’s legal. Unfortunately for her, Gail and Tara attack her from the start, as she is now trapped in a headlock and we go to a commercial break. Upon returning, Mickie is still in danger as Gail and Tara score a double team Irish Whip into the corner. Kim sends Tara flying towards James, but Mickie dodges and takes both down! Tag into Brooke, who runs in and goes to work on Tara with a set of flying clotheslines herself. A faceplant from the corner follows up, but as she goes for the Ass-Tastic, Jesse pulls Tara to safety which infuriates Brooke, Taryn, and even Gail. I guess Gail then figures out that Jesse isn’t completely useless to her, because with Taryn focused on he and the champion, it allows her the opportunity to nail Tessmacher from behind.

Tara begins choking her former BFF, then proceeding to slam her across the ring and hit a backbreaker for a two count. Tara makes the tag to Gail, who nails a few sharp kicks. She irks Mickie enough to run in the ring, allowing Taryn to again face distraction and let “Tarail” work Brooke over illegally. Kim with a gutbuster for a two count, following it up with a clothesline. She shoots Brooke into the corner, but as she goes for her running side crossbody, Tessmacher moves out of the way and Gail falls to the outside! The crowd gets behind their Texas Tease, as she crawls towards Mickie and attempts the tag. Just as she’s about to get there, Taryn AGAIN gets distracted with Tara, and Gail pulls James off the ring apron.

She slides back in and drops Brooke in the corner, as Tara flips in with a beautiful leg drop for a near fall. The Knockouts champion applies an arm submission, but with the crowd on her side, Brooke realizes she’s gotta get up and try (try try) to fight out. Unfortunately, Tara will have no part in that, as she pulls Tessmacher back down. A bodyslam follows up, and as our champion attempts the moonsault, Brooke gets the knees up! Brooke crawls towards Mickie, but Tara stops her. She sends Tessmacher off the ropes, as Mickie goes for (but misses) a blind tag attempt. Brooke catapults off the opposing side and nails a huge running facebuster that lands her right by MJ, and the tag is… is… made!

In comes Gail and Mickie, as James nails a thesz press and dropkicks Tara to the outside. Elbow to the jaw, following it up with a nice Mick-A-Rana. Arm trap neckbreaker! She goes for the win, but Tara stops it from happening. Brooke now in with a spear to the champion, as Tara runs outside and tries to leave up the ramp with Jesse. What in the world? Brooke is now on the top rope, as she leaps off with a huge crossbody to the outside and lands on both members of Hollywood’s Greatest Couple! Wow! Back inside the ring, Kim misses a corner attack and spins right around into a SICK Mickie-DT for the victory and a tremendous start to the new year for the females of Impact Wrestling!

Thoughts: Good lord that was incredible. On top of all four of the Knockouts great performances, it felt like perhaps the longest women’s match on TV in ages. I’ve made it no secret before how much I loathe commercial breaks in between matches because it takes me out of them by the time the show comes back, but strangely enough, this one didn’t bother me one bit. It didn’t take me out of the match at all, and I think that goes as a testament to how well the entire thing was handled. I also loved how the match made complete sense. You have Tara and Mickie in a main feud, and last week, you had Gail and Tessmacher get a little side one going. It reminded me sort of like how they once had that tag team match on Raw a few years ago combining Mickie and Katie Lea‘s feud with Beth and Melina‘s. It makes the match seem less random, and gives them more chance to show aggression and actually have us relate to it judging from past experiences other than just throwing a sea of females out and them being on whatever side of the ring their disposition is. Absolutely loved this match, and I really hope it doesn’t get lost in the shuffle and/or forgotten about when it comes time for the 2013 year end awards due to how early it’s taking place.

Brooke just blows my mind every time she steps out there. I thought last week was stellar for her, but this week was even more so. We say all the time about how much she’s improved, and granted I don’t think I can put my thoughts on her any different than what I’ve been saying for the past set of months, but she’s just insane. Maybe it’s because she’s kind of the first Knockout that I can recall who didn’t come in as a wrestler and then transformed by getting outside training, but she’s entering a new level every time I watch her compete and it’s really fun to watch her grow each time she steps in the ring. As we’ve mentioned before, working with women like a Gail Kim or a Mickie James or a Tara is doing nothing but wonders for her, and it’s by far helping her to advance quickly. I hope that she gets to continue appearing on Impact because it was nice to have some different faces on a live show for once instead of just getting the main two or three in a title feud.

I still kind of like Hollywood’s Greatest Couple, as much as it pains me to admit it because I wasn’t a fan of Jesse on Big Brother. But they work for me in ways that some other couples over the years haven’t. They’re over the top in a way that entertains me and doesn’t annoy me, and he doesn’t run around causing the attention to be focused on him during the Knockout matches which is another thing I like. He’s there for Tara to run to for moral support, but when she’s competing, he’s standing by and not taking the focus off of her ring work. I would still like some more segments, but due to the match time we got this week, I’m not complaining at all.

Gail can pretty much be summed up in the paragraph I wrote last week. She excites me in the ring and I always feel like her matches stand out from each other in a variety of different ways. Hopefully tonight’s action shows Impact that we can have two Knockouts feuds and it gels to perfection instead of feeling overcrowded because I’d love to see Brooke and Gail become involved in a legitimate beef with one another. You could even add Velvet and Madison and turn it into a tag team feud. Speaking of which, I’m a little perplexed as to where Velvet is, but I’m assuming maybe the car crash had something to do with her absence and TNA wanted to play it safe by giving her the week off so I understand as to why she wasn’t on tonight.

Lastly, I’m not entirely sure if the Mickie/Tara feud is still going strong. I assume it is because Mickie took Gail down with that brutal DDT, but hopefully in the next few weeks we get some inclination of where they want to go with the next title shot. I’d love to see a rivalry involving the Knockouts become creative and personal.

Like, alright first off, we’re about to enter my own personal crazed mind where the more unique a segment is, the better! So my idea would be that TNA hypes live footage all night of Mickie James doing a concert after one of the TNA house shows to promote her music, like some sort of after party. And then as she’s on stage singing one of her songs (I recommend my personal favorite, “Dumb Bitch“), Tara runs up from behind and smacks her with the title belt, then destroys the band equipment or something like smashes a guitar and kicks over the drum sets. You could have Mickie’s band members even try to stop her, but they see the size of Jesse as he stands in their way from getting to her, and thus they have no choice but to back off. Then Tara could stand tall over a downed Mickie as she holds the title belt high and slowly spills a drink on her while maniacally laughing with Jesse.

Yeah… clearly I think too much about these things and have my own mind when it comes to storyline ideas. But come on, that would be awesome. And if you have anything different, leave a comment and let me know. Points for creativity!

So, until next time, let’s all sit down and have a good old sing-a-long to the classic, inspirational song about philanthropic and empowering women overcoming day to day situations like a cheating man. And yes, before any one of you ask, I believe everyone reading this is a smart bitch as opposed to a dumb one. (God, I love this song.) Alright, until next time… Peace!

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