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Impact Write-Up (June 9th, 2011): The Road to Slammiversary is Paved with Evil Intentions

I do apologize for the inconvenience due to a late post. I went through hell earlier with my cable company to figure out why my internet modem was out. Then of course, after all of that, due to the fact it is in my roommate’s name, he had to call when he got home. So blame them! Last week, we saw the Knockouts seriously take a turn for the clinically insane. Between an impromptu streetfight to an all out top serving of Wacky Mac(extra cheese), I was honestly ready to dial up Dr. Drew so we could get a intervention. These women have either seriously hit menopause or just said to hell with it and gone straight to the insanity plea. I’m not sure. All I know is that it continues this week so I hope you all have your forks ready. I brought the juice boxes. Dig in!

Our first taste of Knockouts action comes in the form of a tag team match with Angelina Love and Winter, the first pair to the ramp. The resident crazies, one worshipping in her own glory while the other stares a hole through the universe itself. They’re taking on the team of Tara, who makes her way out on that orange crotch rocket we haven’t seen in awhile and Mickie James. HARDCORE COUNTRY! The Knockouts Champion bounds onto the stage and skips down the ramp, dressed like she just stepped off the farm. You know how it is, making Ellie May Clampett look like trailer trash. Her hair is done in a nice little twist and that big smile is always present on her face. All this while Angelina stares a burning ball of fire through her with those zombie eyes.

The bell is chimed so Winter and Tara start things off, Morticia getting the upperhand. She does her best to get Tara in the corner to tag in Angelina but Tara flips her over, dragging her to the other side. Tara tags in her partner and Mickie goes up top, coming down with a big double axe to Winter’s wrenched arm. A nice leg drop of sorts and the “vets” are staying focused on that arm of Winter. Definitely interesting to see these two working together so well, after all the bullshit they went through. A pin attempt but it’s no good so the champion tags in Tara, pulling off a nice double team elbow. Another pin attempt but Winter kicks out, dropping the former bodyguard with a jawbreaker.

Cue the creepy “Here Comes the Zombie” music.

Winter tags in Angelina, who very slowly steps into the ring and immediately sets her sights on Mickie. She raises her arm and points at Mickie, following her as Mickie moves back and forth on the apron. Even zombies have hand/eye coordination. Bravo, Angelina. Mickie, never one to back down, sticks out her arm for a tag but Angelina goes after Tara, getting a hefty sideslam for her effort. A thought on pin attempt but Tara tags in Mickie, landing a double team lifting splash on the fallen Frankenstein. Another pin attempt but it hardly gets past one before Angelina pushes out, shoving her opponent for this Sunday, into her corner. Winter tags herself in and with a little whirl around, Mickie comes back…yet another pin attempt. Whatever happened to just fighting and then going for a pin in the end? If I have to write “pin attempt” one more time….nevermind.

Mickie picks Winter up by her hair and with a forearm/kick combination, Winter reverses it into the corner. However, a rush leads to an elbow to the face but when Angelina inserts herself into the equation, it brings on the double team effort. Tara tries her best to tell the referee but we all know they aren’t the brightest bulbs in the box. Winter goes for the odd pushover cover but the official is distracted and barely gets a count before Mickie kicks out. Fingers in the hair and Winter drags her over, tagging in Frankenstein. The monster gets in the ring and SLAM! with a pin but the champ bridges out of the count. Another tag and I’m getting dizzy again. However, a taunt to Tara leads her to jump in the ring, distracting the official again. This gives Frankenstein an ample spot to choke the hell out of Mickie from behind. Clever crazies.

As soon as the referee turns back, Winter lands a stiff kick to Mickie’s midsection. But she gives her too much time and the country girl fights out of the predictament. She does her best to go for a tag to Tara but Winter jerks her back by the hair, slamming her to the canvas. It flips her across the mat and Winter tags in Angelina, but Mickie sets Morticia up for a neckbreaker, landing a drop kick to Angelina at the same time. I’m sorry. What?! Can we get a replay on that, please?!

Wow. Just had to make sure I saw that correctly.

All three women are down and Mickie is crawling toward her partner, dying to make a tag. Tara is itching to get in but I bet she’s going to be wishing she hadn’t. Out of nowhere, Madison Rayne runs down the ramp and drops Tara’s face down on the apron. She slingshots her into the near steel steps, removing her from the picture. Ultimate revenge? I don’t care. I just want her jeans. Anyway, Mickie had reached her corner but Angelina is right behind her. With a blink of an eye, Angelina just cracks Mickie’s back across her knees, flatlining her. A pin attempt, the FINAL pin attempt and Angelina picks up the three, winning this for her Mistress Morticia. Speaking of, she gives the signal to finish the champ off and Frankenstein obliges, locking in that choke submission. I’m pretty sure I saw a smirk there. Did anyone else see a smirk? Tell me I’m not finally going batshit myself.

Later in the show, we see ODB backstage, bitching about her opponent’s make-up and fake eyelashes. Really? You’re bitching about someone else wearing make-up when you’ve got on a full face?! Not to mention, you bitch about boobs but grope your own constantly and your panties are showing without you even bending over. Hypocritical much? Mhmm. Anyway, the Dirty Bitch enters the arena from the side, no music but she’s brought her flask. Imagine that. Thankfully, she doesn’t get long to run her mouth before Velvet Sky whips her around and just starts wailing on her. She takes to slamming ODB into the side of the steel stage, exacting revenge for the attack from last week. Vel Vel drags ODB toward the ring and goes to send her flying but ODB reverses, sending Vel into the steel steps. My knee hurts now. I can’t even begin to explain to you how much it hurts to slam your knee like that. Ugh.

They finally make it into the ring and ODB demands the official ring the bell, immediately going for a cover. She gets a two count, much to her aggravation and starts laying stiff shots into poor Velvet. ODB stalks around, giving Velvet time to get back up and she tries so hard to fight back, but ODB powers her into the corner. Multiple shots to Velvet’s abdomen and it just doesn’t look good for the solitary BP. She does her best to battle back but ODB is just powerful as hell. Although, I can definitely do without the “Eat a weiner.” comment. I want to smack her with an etiquette manual. But I have to give it to the referee because he stays on her. She keeps getting in his face and he keeps spitting back, even pushing at her shoulder at one time. But even with the time Velvet has to fight back, ODB lays the boots to her in the corner. Stomping a mudhole? Nah.

ODB, distracted by the referee and their disagreements, while Tazz starts comparing her to chimps at the Bronx Zoo. He says something about throwing feces and honestly, I can see the resemblance at this point. I can’t even recap this because it isn’t even a match. If there were a bar, it would be a brawl and I’m pretty sure ODB would have a broken beer bottle in her hand. Hell, she even shoves the referee after slamming fist after fist into Velvet Sky. However, you take too much time away from your opponent and you risk losing momentum, which she does. Velvet powers out of the corner when ODB rushes her, taking her down with a clothesline. And she stays on her, just like you should, slamming her into the corner. Seven, count them. Seven shoulder blocks into the turnbuckles and multiple stomps, plus a foot to throat choke. This is one screwed up equation.

It calls for a count from the official but Velvet doesn’t care. She comes out just long enough to go back in and grab her, taking the fight across the mat. Velvet slams ODB’s face into the top turnbuckle and goes for even more shoulder blocks to the midsection. The Dirty Bitch rolls to the outside and Velvet stalks her from the other side, going for what looks like a flying something or other from the steps. However, ODB catches her and picks her up, slamming her back first into the ring post. Ugh. This match is killing me. The small of my back has been hurting for days. Anyway, both women roll to the floor but ODB gets up first, sliding Velvet into the ring. She does her best to kick the dirty creature away but she’s persistant and pulls Velvet up, dropping her back with a fallaway slam. And then, she slaps her own vagina….

Remember that ointment that was mentioned earlier? CVS called. They’ve got a full supply. They’d like you to be their first sponsor model. And since you’re unemployed and all…just saying.

After that(whatever it was), ODB picks Velvet up and blatantly chokes the shit out of her. I would seriously cut a bitch. Ya feel me?! But it doesn’t last long because that nasty, filthy drunk gets dropped with a rancid DDT. Velvet takes in a breath and drapes the arm. The referee makes the count and BAM! Velvet Sky has won this match for the sake of all clean females everywhere! HALLUHLOOYER!!

Thoughts: Two amazingly consistent matches, well, the second one was a beatdown but it was consistent! I enjoyed this week. It just tacked onto the majorly cray-cray shit we’ve been seeing for weeks now. It is a definite kick in the ass going into Slammiversary, however. I am dying to see how this match between Mickie and Angelina pans out. I don’t know who to choose! But I know it has to be a good match. But um..hello. Where the hell did the fire under Velvet’s ass come from?! Thinking on it, I’d be the same way if I had a hypocrite trying to beat my ass for the same shit she does. I mean, really, with all the trash talking. Have you looked in the mirror lately? I roll my eyes at you, ODB. Anyway, I must go. It is getting past my bedtime. Until next week, my lovies! xoxo

What did you guys think about this week’s Impact? Tell me about it!

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