Hitting the Ropes Archives - Page 2 of 2

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #6

April 1, 2026May 16, 2010 by David

The bartender could tell something was wrong. “You doing OK, man?”

I just kept shaking my head and staring at the ground in disbelief. Finally I said “Man, this started out as such a perfect night…” but it was barely loud enough for him to hear.

“What’s the matter dude? You’re in New Orleans…laissez le bon temps rouler!” I wanted to have fun, I wanted to “let the good times roll”, but instead I felt like I just got “coups de pied dans les noix.” (Translation – if you’re a guy that hurts.)

Seriously, it should have been a perfect night. I was strolling around Bourbon Street drinking a cold beer, the weather was beautiful and life was good. No problems at home, the job was fine, and Beth was the WWE Women’s Champion (I have always contended we are co-holders of the title, but that’s just a technicality). Then I thought I’d jump into a local bar, grab a refill, and check the Diva Dirt SmackDown spoilers. Just wanted to make sure my girl was still the champ after the Tuesday night tapings. Then I read the news… a 2-on-1 title match, Vickie’s back, a confusing ending, Michelle or Layla wearing the belt… what?!?! All I knew was that Beth wasn’t the champion anymore and I felt like my heart would explode from my chest. Not so much because she lost the title…but because I knew what this really meant – something was seriously wrong with her knee. “OH MERDE!” (Translation – very, very not good!)

The bartender said, “Hey, umm, can I get you a beer?”

I put my head in my hands and said, “Nah, I’ll take a Johnny Daniels over ice.”

“You mean Jack Daniels, right?”

I looked at him and mumbled, “He may be Jack to you, but when you’ve known him as long as I have…”

The bartender poured the drink and said, “Wow, you must really be upset about something.”

“You don’t understand, man, it wasn’t supposed to go down like this…I didn’t even get to write my Extreme Rules column yet.” Being that we were in New Orleans, lord knows what the bartender thought that meant. But I thought I had a few weeks you know? I wanted to be able to let the moment sink in and then write a coherent, entertaining column about one of the most exciting nights of my life. Now, the moment had passed, Beth had a severe knee injury, and Baltimore, MD seemed like a 100 years ago. The bartender said, “OK, then this one is on the house, you look pretty bummed out. Decu dans le Big Easy.” (Translation – I’m the only loser in New Orleans not having fun.) I looked back down at the floor and just kept thinking, “Did I jinx her? In some cosmic supernatural way did writing that stupid column about Melina’s injury cause Beth to blow out her knee?!” I don’t know.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #5

April 1, 2026May 8, 2010 by David

On the April 30^th Smackdown, WWE Women’s Champion “The Glamazon” Beth Phoenix and Kelly Kelly defeated Michelle McCool and Layla. Read that sentence again, because I think it is THE turning point in Kelly Kelly’s career. I think it might be the most important match Kelly has ever wrestled. Teaming with the current women’s champion and picking up the victory over the hottest heel group in the company is a major step in the right direction for her. And the best part? Not a leprichaun, talking car, magician, or game show host anywhere in sight. Just a solid wrestling match that saw Kelly trade actual wrestling holds with girls who know what they’re doing. Heck, Beth even let her get the victory for her team.

Was Kelly great in this match? Hardly. Did Kelly do her “whirly-bird” flying head-scissors thing that looks really goofy? Take a guess. Did Kelly stumble through her “Kelly Killer” leg drop finisher? A big, big yes. Does Kelly have a lot of work to do to elevate herself to the class of Melina, Beth Phoenix, and Michelle McCool? Obviously. But she won’t have the chance to do that…to learn, grow, and improve…just wearing bathing suits on RAW. But here is the thing, we know (right or wrong) that the WWE is going to market this girl, to use her as one of the most prominent faces of the Divas. Therefore Kelly needed, repeat absolutely NEEDED, to move to Smackdown. The entire division will benefit from Kelly becoming a legit star and that can only happen on Friday night with this current group of writers. My fellow Diva Dirt writers and I don’t necessarily see eye to eye on this, but I felt it was the most critical move of the entire draft. (Please don’t stop reading, give me a few paragraphs to explain.) Along with Natayla (moving to RAW) and Mickie (moving to RAW), I felt these were the 3 most important “draft” picks of the year (well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad right?!) Miss you already Mickie…when’s the CD coming out? Here is what I wrote before the draft:

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #4

April 1, 2026May 2, 2010 by David

You never forget the sound. Never. When your knee snaps and you know something is terribly wrong, your body immediately goes ice cold and the sound — more like a short crumble when you smash a soda can — is forever a part of your life. It can make you sick to think about even long after your knee is healed. And let me tell you, you can never, ever, ever watch a knee injury on TV without feeling physically ill. I blew out my left knee in December 2002, a complete tear of the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL). There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t hear the sound. Unfortunately, now Melina can hear that sound too.

You become members of a strange fraternity. As soon as you hear somebody is recovering from knee surgery you immediately ask: “So how did you do it?” Then you tell the person the details of your own experience. It is almost like comparing war stories. The conversation is always the same:

“Yeah, I tore my knee up pretty good last winter.”
“Complete ACL tear?”
“Yeah”
“How did they fix it?”
“Used a cadaver…”
“Huh…I blew mine out 2 summers ago…basketball injury…chose the hamstring.”
“How’s it feel now?”
“Pretty good…hurts when it rains.”

Both people chuckle.

The recent rash of injuries to female wrestlers has been jarring. Melina tore her ACL, Daffney suffered a bruised sternum, Mickie James had a serious staph infection, Angelina Love tore her ulnar collateral ligament, and SHIMMER star LuFisto suffered a stroke, all in the span of a few months. And these are just the injuries that got reported. Each and every wrestler is probably working with aches and pains that most of us would use as a reason to call in sick. There is extreme pressure to perform even when not 100%, and combined with the increased physicality of the sport (i.e. high spots, ladders, tables, etc), serious injuries are likely to occur. These are trained professionals but obviously accidents can happen. Remember, just months after her debut, Beth Phoenix broke her jaw and needed reconstructive surgery causing her to miss close to a year of action. (Hard to believe she has 12 screws in her jawbone. That surgeon deserves a medal.)

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Issue #3

April 1, 2026April 20, 2010 by David

WITH THE FIRST PICK IN THE 2010 DIVAS DRAFT, RAW SELECTS….

We all thought my friend Matt was the crazy one. Each April at Gettysburg College we would be out celebrating SpringFest – a college-wide party filled with live music, dancing, games, great food, and adult beverages. The party started early and lasted all day. It is one of the best memories from school each year. (Funniest SpringFest memory – my girlfriend (now wife) wanted to step into the inflatable boxing ring with me. I kept saying “no” but after I had had enough of her nagging, I climbed into the ring, put on the giant boxing gloves, and proceeded to punch her right through the ropes and out onto the grass. We laugh about it now, but I remember sleeping alone that night. Truthfully though I had little remorse, “hey babe, don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time”. I officially retired with a 2-1 record after some guy challenged me later that same day and turned me into Mankind.)

As fun at SpringFest was every year, my friend Matt always chose to skip it to “prepare” for the NFL draft. He was dead serious. The NFL draft was his favorite day of the year and it usually fell on the day of the party. I can’t tell you how much fun we made of him for this. Aside from being a Bengals fan (which is bad enough), he would compose multiple mock drafts and stress about which trades or picks each team should make, and then watch the draft for 10 straight hours. It was a little bizarre – he didn’t even take his actually classes that seriously. We graduated in 1995. Fast forward to today. He has now been working as a scout in the NFL for 14 years and wears a Super Bowl ring (1999-2000 St. Louis Rams). I’m not even sure how it happened…but he met the right person who introduced him to another person and so on. Next thing you know he is working for the Rams, scouting college football games, and hanging out with the players at summer BBQs. Pretty good for a kid who never really played football. Guess he wasn’t so crazy after all!

I was thinking about Matt the other day as I was piecing together my 2010 Divas Draft. Seemed pretty ironic to me that now I was the one looking at stats, making predictions, and stressing about match-ups and trades. Plus I felt like Stephen King with writer’s block. I kept putting thoughts down on paper, shaking my head, and then dramatically throwing the paper into the trash. This killed several hours at work, which is OK to admit because I’m 145% sure my boss doesn’t read this column (he barely reads the reports I turn). I felt a sense of purpose to get this right. After all, the WWE claims “For the eighth time in WWE history, the WWE Draft promises to realign the stars within the cosmos of the WWE Universe.” The cosmos of the WWE Universe?!? What the hell does that mean? Sounds important though huh?!

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Issue #2

April 1, 2026April 12, 2010 by David

Well I think our first date went well. I picked you up on time, bought you dinner, told some funny jokes, picked a decent movie, and then dropped you back home before curfew. All in all it was a good night, except for one thing. I did all the talking. It was all about me. So, enough about me…for our second date lets climb the ropes together and turn our attention to where it belongs, the wrestling ring.

I thought in general this was a shaky week for the WWE. I like Jack Swagger and think he has a great future, but to have him cash in his MITB briefcase on a taped program like Smackdown seemed to detract from the moment, from the important elevation of his career. Nothing is as exciting when you know it is taped. Whether the WWE wants to admit it or not, show spoilers are out there and people do find out results beforehand. Michael Cole called us “Internet geeks” this past week. Whatever. Maybe it’s not a huge percentage, and maybe it’s not their target audience (i.e. kids), but there are plenty of us that do read the results beforehand and I felt the intimacy of the moment was stolen from Swagger. Do it on RAW (they cross brands all the time) or at a PPV. Give him that special “live” moment. I kind of felt bad for him even though this win is great for his career. I don’t know. Am I wrong here? To what degree should the WWE care about how the Internet affects their business?

And just to remind you…there are only 4 weeks to go until the first “rookie” is eliminated from NXT. Settle down. I know the excitement is overwhelming. I can only imagine the “innovative” challenges NXT has in store for us over the next few weeks, maybe jumping rope, maybe karaoke. This past week was bizarre, although I haven’t had that much fun watching dudes carry a keg around since I was a junior in college. For me personally NXT has been a major let-down. I support the concept – trying to establish new stars – but I expected this show to be a “peek” into the training and conditioning of future superstars, not 8-on-1 matches vs. Kane. I think NXT is so contrived I find myself missing The Abraham Washington Show. And at least with ECW we would get the occasional Rosa Mendes “cha cha cha”. (Speaking of bad WWE TV, what happened to WWE Superstars? They should just change the tag line from “Expect Everything” to “Expect William Regal and a Colon Brother”.)

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Issue #1

April 1, 2026April 4, 2010 by David

Based on your response to his efforts as our correspondent on-scene at WrestleMania 26, we are very excited to welcome aboard David aka Mr. Glamazon as a regular featured columnist here at Diva Dirt. Check back every week for a new edition of ‘Hitting the Ropes’.

When Melanie asked if I wanted to write a weekly column for Diva Dirt, I jumped at the chance. Not because I thought I had so much to share with the readers or because I felt I could make an impact on the wrestling community. Nope, it was much more basic than that. Basically, writing a column for this site sounded a lot more fun than changing diapers, making bottles, mowing the lawn, working, and cleaning the house. (Seriously, kids are great, but for those of you who don’t have kids yet… get up, stretch, look around, and appreciate your freedom. Do it right now. Smile. Today is yours!) I need more fun in my life. This column could be therapeutic and give me something to think about while I am cleaning applesauce off the floor. So I said sure I’ll give this a try. I had a good time reporting from WrestleMania and you all seemed to like what I wrote, so let’s hit the ropes and get started!

Here’s my background so you know a little bit about me. Credibility is important. To this point, from the audio shows you know that I a) love Beth Phoenix, and b) don’t know anything about TNA. Pretty impressive credentials, huh? I fell in love with professional wrestling in October 1985 at the old Hershey Park Arena in Hershey, PA. My friend dragged me to a show that night and it happened to be a (then) WWF taping of Saturday Night’s Main Event. Since Hulk Hogan was on the card, the arena was full and all the people were going crazy. From the moment S.D. Jones came out to start the show (I didn’t know what a jobber was back then), I was hooked. I loved everything. The athleticism. The spectacle. The energy of the crowd. The pageantry. I soaked it all in and when Hulk came out for his tag match with Andre the Giant, I knew something inside of me had changed forever. (It wasn’t until Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik got pulled over by a NJ state trooper that I realized something was “fishy” about this sport. That state trooper smartened up a generation of kids. In a way I hate him for it.)

For the next seven years the WWF was my main interest outside of school and sports. My friend Jamie (who went to WrestleMania 26 with me) and I actually thought we were the Mega-Powers. We begged our parents relentlessly until they agreed to take us to shows in Hershey. We broke more of our parents baking sheets and folding chairs than I care to remember. We watched the TV shows religiously (Brother Love really was my minister). We booked matches with our LJN action figures. And then we hit the jackpot when WrestleManias 4 and 5 came to Atlantic City, NJ. Those trips to AC remain some of my happiest childhood memories because we felt we were a part of something special: Donald Trump, the title tournament, Macho Man’s World Championship, and then the Mega-Powers exploding. (We were also in Hershey the night the “Madness Met the Mania” on SNME… or as I call it, “One of the Best Nights of My Life” somewhere next to my wedding day and the birth of my children, but don’t make me put them in order. I mean, Hogan, Savage, Liz, the Harts, Honky… good lord!)

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