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Impact Write-Up (April 28th, 2011): Zombies, Tailor Maids and Conspiracies! Oh My!

Good lard! Has it been a week already?! I have no idea where my time has gone but we’re back with another edition of the Impact Write-Up brought to you by your good friends at The Colon Cleanse! They’ll clean your crap while you take a nap! Last week, we saw a major shit storm hover right over the King and Queen of the Mountain, with promise of a new intruder to their kingdom. We also saw another break in the bond between a former chumpion and her minion. Not to mention that rabid beatdown in the locker room. This week, we have a match between two feuding BFFs, one of which is missing all her screws. We are also sucked into the dreaded conspiracy of the one who hunts Lady J. Who could it be? We may find out sooner than you think! So ride along little ones!

FINALLY! A show that starts out with the TNA Knockouts, pretty much all of which are in the ring when the show hits the air. It seems we’re in the middle of Karen Jarrett, lining them up and going down the line, one by one. She starts out with someone who appears to be the TNA seamstress, given the measuring tape over her shoulder and her statement of getting his measurements. Karen, being the ever so witty one, tells her to take her dancing fingers and dance them out of the ring. After that line, I’m pretty sure Karen should just be revoked from ever speaking on the microphone. Ever.

Next, she moves onto Miss Tessmacher, who made her triumphant return last week. Good ole funbags? Really?! Karen asks if it’s just a coincidence that she and Kurt Angle both showed up to the arena at the exact same time. Miss Tessmacher kindly points out that considering they both work for TNA, they both showed up to actually EARN their paychecks. She has a point. Karen, not being one to take lightly, gets in Tessmacher’s grill and questions why she and Kurt were both at the exact same gym, at the exact same time that morning. Tessmacher wonders if Karen or her resource happened to notice the other twenty-five other wrestlers working out at that exact same gym that morning. Again, just a coincidence. Attempting to fight back, Karen calls her a hussy and tells her she has an answer for everything, but you know what? Tessmacher should consider herself warned because she’s being watched. How to Catch a Predator, anyone?

In true fashion, Miss Tessmacher casually drops her glasses and gives a little “oops” before slowly bending over and picking them up off the mat. The fans cheer while Jeff Jarrett makes disgusted faces before the former secretary of Eric Bischoff exits the ring. Meanwhile, Karen continues making annoying noises and chanting “narrowing it down” to herself, as if it were a mantra of sorts. I’m not sure who she thinks she is but I feel like I’m watching a bad episode of Jerry Springer.

Anyway, she makes her way over to Rice & Beans aka Sarita and Rosita, the little burrito sisters. Rosita, getting fired up, starts taking off her earrings, ready to scrap it out. However, being the voice of reason, Sarita tells her to simmer down while Karen makes yapping noises at them. Jarrett, standing behind the tag team champions, gets a hand in the face for his opinion on the matter. Hot and spicy, just the way Karen’s ex-husband likes them. Oh yeeeaaaah. You wouldn’t consider it a coincidence that they’re using the American theme in what they’re doing, would you? I mean, really, would you? It’s not like they’re claiming to be Mexican Americans or anything. Oh wait. According to Sarita, that’s just what they’re doing. She tells Karen to take her head out of her BEEP and pay closer attention to the show. They don’t want anything to do with us stupid ass white people and that includes her husband, Kurt. For those following, Jeff is now her husband. For those who don’t care, kudos.

After the burrito sisters exit the ring, Karen makes her way over to Madison Rayne and Tara, taunting them about championship gold and being former champions. She also tells them that they must think they’re something special. Madison, whining as usual, tells Karen that she is right about one thing, Tara does think she’s special and she’s been telling her that for three weeks. She says she wouldn’t put it past Tara to lay down for an Olympic hero because she is a dirty, filthy slut. What’s the matter, Tara? Do you have something to say? Of course not, she’s just going to spit her gum on Madison’s chest in an angry manner and stalk out of the ring. Karen says she guesses she did have something to say but not as much as Madison. She goes on to say she better keep her eye on Tara because she wouldn’t put it past her to try to sleep with Jeff either. Jeff clearly states that isn’t happening and Karen goes back to irritating noises and cackling.

Who’s left? No more latinas, bitter ex-champions or tailor maids…Wait, we have Velvet Sky. Good ole Velvet. Karen asks her what she wants, a new best friend? The scowl that crosses Vel Vel’s face is priceless. Karen goes on to heckle Velvet, telling her that on a scale of one to ten, she’s a six point five, whereas Karen is a solid ten. Erm….I won’t go there. Karen calls herself every man’s dream and every woman’s nightmare and says she can see where Velvet is coming from. I mean, she’s lost her best friend and she’s gone as far as she’s ever gonna go in TNA. Oh snap. Someone just threw down the gauntlet. But, if Velvet landed herself on the arm of Kurt Angle, imagine how that would catapult Velvet to the top. Uh huh. Like landing Jeff Jarrett catapulted Karen to the top, right? I guess Karen would know her kind. Just saying.

She tells Velvet that she’s obviously at the end of her velvet rope (har har) and she’s decided to go swing on somebody else’s. The only thing she has to do to get there is to lay down, and Karen’s heard she’s good at it. I can feel it coming, it’s like an itch that needs to be scratched and no, not quite. Velvet attempts to throw her hand across Karen’s face but Jeff steps in, telling her that she better never attempt to lay her hands on the Queen of the Mountain. Well, what about the King? Velvet, ever the opportunist, slaps the ground beef after taste right out of Double J’s mouth and in return, gets a shove from Karen. Velvet lets it sit for a moment before going back after Karen, both of them taking a handful of the other’s hair. Jeff, caught in the middle, tries his best to separate the two while Angelina Love zombie walks to the ring.

…Wait, what?! Where the hell did she come from?! Out on the ramp, Winter saunters behind while Angelina creeps into the ring and grabs a chunk of Velvet’s mane, tossing her back like a ragdoll. A nice stomp and Winter is over in front of SoCal Val, telling her to ring the bell before her demon gets her. Val, a little overzealous, chimes the bell far too many times to signify the start of the match-up. Meanwhile, Angelina is choking the life out of Velvet in the ring, doing her best to weaken her just as the referee makes a late run to the ring.

Back from a commercial break, we are apparently seeing a match that was set to take place later in the evening. I’m guessing that Angelina ran out of zombie juice and needed a violent fix. The crowd is behind Velvet, chanting “Let’s go, Velvet! Let’s go!” while Angelina stalks toward her in an eerie manner, pushing her into the corner. Slams, slaps and chokes keep Velvet down, while Angelina shows absolutely no emotion whatsoever. With a deep breath, I’m sure, Velvet comes back at Angelina with a knee to the midsection, fighting out of the corner. A club to the back and a kick to the stomach that….has absolutely no effect on Angelina at all. Everytime Velvet tries to fight back, A. Love barely flinches and keeps coming. Oh my God! She’s the Terminator! I knew it!

Terminator grabs an earful of Velvet and pulls her back against the knee, getting a final count from the referee. She gives him a spaced out, almost evil stare before going back, this time after the face. Another count and Angelina goes for a clothesline, missing, which brings Velvet back on the offense but nothing she does even remotely hurts her former BFF. This time, Terminator connects with a clothesline then slinks her way back over, choking Velvet right in front of the official. A rough holding jerk of the hair and Terminator slams Velvet’s face down, going back in after the count is broken up. She lays major right hands into Velvet’s face, but takes enough time to tuck her hair behind her ears. All the while, Winter is standing on the outside, sicking her “demon” on Velvet Sky.

Did you catch that glare she gave the official? Creep. That moment, gives Velvet just enough time to gather herself and when Terminator comes back around, she drops her with a jawbreaker. Back up, she stays on her with a clothesline of her own then comes back with facebusters to each knee. Faceplant bulldogg and Velvet turns her attention to Winter, telling her she is the blame for all of this. But does Winter care? Of course not. She simply rakes her fingers across Velvet’s eyes and snaps her down on the middle rope, dropping her to the mat. This gives Terminator Angelina enough time to get back up and drop Velvet back flat with a Botox Injection bicycle kick. Yikes. I’m pretty sure I felt that one.

A callous look to Winter, who gives the sign for Terminator to end it all, sends Angelina back over to Velvet. She straddles her back and wraps her left arm around her throat, trying to choke Velvet out. Why does this look familiar? Because we’ve seen Winter use it before and obviously, being Angelina is her demon now, she is going to mimmick her master. Yeah but see, here’s the difference, Terminator wants to pretty much murder death kill on poor Velvet. The referee, who should have broken it up long before he did, lets the life drain out of Vel Vel before calling for the bell. She is face down on the mat and the official, now, wants to break it up. However, Winter isn’t going to let him and she shoves him away until Angelina finally breaks the hold. They quickly exit the ring and Winter, ever so creepy obsessive, beckons Terminator toward her.

Later in the show, we see Kurt Angle talking backstage about Karen being moronic with her actions toward all the Knockouts. He says she is way off and that last week, she was covered in shit and this week, she’s stepping in shit. His “mistress” is no one that Karen knows and that nobody knows about this girl. The interviewer goes on to ask if it is someone that Karen knows and he says it’s nobody she knows. That nobody knows and she may get to see her sooner than she thinks, possibly as soon as next week. And when she sees her? She’s going to shit her pants. It’s real. It’s damn real. Next week?! Yes please.

HARDCORE COUNTRY! Our NEW TNA Knockouts Champion, Mickie James, graces the Impact! Zone with her presence for the first time since Lockdown, when she captured the gold. Mickie makes her way to the ring while we get a very short clip of her pinning Madison for the title eleven days ago. Mickie says that when she got into the business twelve years ago, the only thing she wanted, that she ever truly desired was to go down in history as the greatest women’s wrestler of all time. But you know what she wants most of all? She wants to dedicate her TNA Knockouts Championship to each of her fans who have stood by her, who believed in her and loved her. It is because of them that she is standing in the ring right now. She goes on to praise the fans and thank them for making her dream a reality. It is because of them that she is able to hold that title above her head. Major gratitude and humble words from the champ.

skip to the 3:30 minute mark.

For the closing of the show, we see Karen and Jeff Jarrett outside the arena, pacing back and forth over what happened earlier. Karen says she gathered all the TNA garden tools and then the nasty little bitch tried to slap her. She asks her husband who Miss Angle is and Jeff tells her it has gone too far. First the cage and now, she has a hit out on her. She is a mom of five! Really…two but I guess we have to include the step-kids.

A flash to Velvet Sky and she is sitting in a golf cart, I’m assuming elsewhere and she is riled up about Karen. How dare her accuse Velvet of being a slut and of being Kurt Angle’s “mistress”. Hello. Have you seen her lately? She doesn’t need that. Plus, to add insult to injury, her former tag partner and BFF, the Terminator choked her out. First, she laid her out on a chair with Velvet’s own finisher but now…it just can’t be forgiven. She knows she isn’t of her own mind and head right now but Velvet needs time to gather her thoughts. She’s tired of being mad all the time and she’s sick of listening to herself. She thanks the crew while we leave her be and flash back to a still rambling Karen and Jeff Jarrett.

Jeff tells her to think back to her past, is there anyone she pissed off? Oh. Certainly not. Not pure little sugar cane Karen. She says she doesn’t have any enemies but next week, she’s going to be here. She doesn’t have any enemies but maybe there are some jealous bitches out there. Jeff says that there is a hit out on her and it is a bunch of crap! He is going to figure out who it is! Because it’s a bunch of crap! Well, considering what we saw last week out of you two, you pretty much hit the nail on the head there, KOTM. Way to be perceptive.

Thoughts: Oh my. This show just keeps getting more peculiar by the week. Is anyone else curious as to where Karen gets her information? Haha. And did anyone else notice how Christy Hemme was doing all the ring announcing this week? And what about that fan devoted speech from Mickie? Okay. I’m done asking questions. I liked this episode of Impact. I am very, very curious to see who Kurt Angle brings with him to finally mop the floor with Karen. It is always fun to watch her freak the hell out when she thinks she’s in danger. And what about Velvet? What do you guys think she’s going to do about Angelina? I know. I said I’d stop asking questions. I’m actually looking forward to next week. Cross your fingers that Kurt Angle lives up to his word. Until that time, my lovies! xoxo

What did you guys think about this week’s Impact? Tell me about it!

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