Monday, March 4, 2024

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Impact Write-Up (August 5th, 2010): The Match That Launched A Thousand Retweets

Tonight the long anticipated return of Hamada to Impact took place and sadly for her, it was in very unspectacular fashion. She teamed up with Taylor Wilde to take on the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions, Velvet Sky and Lacey Von Erich, and the match ended up being one of the worst TNA matches of all time. Granted, it was no Jenna/Sharmell fiasco, but it was pretty damn bad. If you don’t wish to take my word for it, I understand. All the proof lies within the video so feel free to see the ugliness for yourself.

The tag match officially kicked off the wrestling portion of the show tonight, so while everyone sat around and digested the epic and highly personal promo stand-off between Raven and Tommy Dreamer, the Beautiful People began to make their way towards the ring. Velvet Sky and Lacey Von Erich were in rare form tonight, carrying their titles with confidence. Each girl looked great as well. Kudos to LVE for becoming the first ever Beautiful People member with actual ring gear! Velvet was dressed in one of her usual outfits, and it’s not worth describing to be honest. The show cut to commercial as the Beautiful People played to the crowd but upon it’s return, Hamada and Taylor Wilde made their way to the ring. Their entrance was cute, and a bit cheeky. Hamada twirled Taylor around and slapped her on the ass, a la the Beautiful People. Shame Taylor Wilde’s ring gear continues to make my stomach turn. The Beautiful People stood on the outside of the ring as Taylor and Hamada hyped up the crowd. Velvet screamed at them and made reference to the fact that her title wasn’t going anywhere. When the BPs returned to the apron, Lacey hopped into the ring to start the match off against Taylor. The referee held the championships up and the match began.

Taylor coaxed Lacey into turning around so that everyone could admire her new, sparkly outfit. Of course, Lacey fell for it and Taylor immediately rolled her up for a pin. Lacey scrambled out of the before the referee could even get down and count and Taylor flew to the ropes to gain some momentum. Velvet backed up Lacey by cheaply distracting Taylor, who promptly turned around to bitch. Lacey hit her from behind and went for a spinning heel kick but Taylor dropped down and swept her off her feet. Taylor once again went to the ropes, but Lacey was there to catch her. Unfortunately what could have been a gorgeous move was hampered by the fact Lacey struggled to throw Taylor over her head. Oh well. Eventually, Lacey did what she wanted to do, and Taylor rolled over to tag in the rarely seen Hamada.

Hamada came in and was met with a clothesline attempt from Lacey. She somersaulted through it and started going to town on the pretty blonde Von Erich. Lacey seemed lost and confused at this point, and Velvet started screaming at her. Lacey gave her tag team partner a look and for lack of anything else to do, Hamada finally knocked her down to the mat. Hamada went towards the rope and Velvet attempted to distract her. It didn’t work out so well for Vel Vel because Hamada temporarily subdued her with a jawbreaker on the ropes. Believe it or not, it did give Lacey some time to set up for a jumping knee strike (I make this up as I go…) and the minute Hamada whirled around, Lacey took her out. Lacey went for the quick cover, but Hamada powered out after the two. Lacey went to tag Velvet, but forgot to bring Hamada with her. After going back get the other girl, Lacey was finally able to bring Velvet into the match.

Lacey held on to Hamada while Velvet trash talked and took the free kick to Hamada’s gut. She chopped her once or twice, and Lacey let go and got out of the ring. Velvet measured Hamada up and then drilled her with a kick, only to follow it up with a failed pinning attempt. After wrapping her arm around Hamada’s neck, Velvet brought her to the BP corner and tagged Lacey back in. Hamada was subjected to a double team ram-rod move (Taz’s words, not moi’s) and Lacey went for another cover. She got a two count and stood up, thought for a few minutes, then tried to pull off her back-flip/elbow combination. Hamada rolled out of the way and made Lacey look like an epic fail. Lacey, bless her, tried again but once again, she failed. Both Hamada and Lacey took their time getting up, and once they made eye contact, Hamada sent Lacey a subliminal message that it was time to hit her again. Lacey got the picture and stumbled towards Hamada, which sent Hamada to her own corner. She tagged in Taylor.

Someone must have light a fire under Taylor’s butt because she came into the ring with a purpose and began to beat on Lacey. Lacey was unable to fight back and then found herself on the receiving end of a German suplex. She sorta bridged into a cover but Velvet came in and made the save. Hamada followed suit and took Velvet to the wood shed after bullying her back to the BP corner. Taylor set Lacey up in the opposite corner, called to her partner, and they attempted to whip the Beautiful People into one another. The blonde bombshells reversed this and sent Hamada and Taylor flying towards one another. Taylor and Hamada were able to link arms, swing each other around, and fly back towards their opponents. Velvet and Lacey both went down like a ton of bricks and the crowd finally big time popped.

Hamada and Taylor celebrated, but not for long. They went back to work on both Velvet and Lacey, but after a few seconds their attention was pulled away. Madison Rayne made her way onto the stage and Tara Mystery appeared out of nowhere and started revving up the engine of her motorcycle. Mystery Woman came to the ringside area which brought Taylor and Hamada toward her. Madison smirked from the ramp and Lacey and Velvet were finally able to regroup and get back into the match. Velvet took on Hamada inside the ring while Lacey sent Taylor to the outside. Velvet went for the whip into the ropes, but Hamada reversed it and sent Velvet flying. Both women collided with one another and both ended up knocked down. Taylor destroyed Lacey on the outside of the ring, and Hamada ended up coming out on top with her altercation with Velvet thanks to a fun spot with the referee. Velvet spazzed out and her fight with Hamada ended up spilling to the outside of the ring.

Taylor and Lacey made their way back inside and Lacey took down the Canadian with a double sledge hammer to the back. With the referee distracted with Hamada/Velvet, Mystery Woman saw an opportunity to slide a weapon into the ring. Lacey took the steel chair with glee and went to hit Taylor with it, but Taylor was waiting and drop kicked it right into Lacey’s face. Lacey hit the mat like a ton of bricks and Taylor made the cover. The referee got wind of what was going down and headed over to the make the pin. He counted to three over the chair (WTF? At least Taz called him out on that…) and Hamada and Taylor Wilde became the NEW TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions. On the stage, Madison looked pissed and Mystery Woman just shook her head in disgust. Lacey remained unconscious in the ring and boy oh boy, was Velvet ever pissed off.

Later on that night, a pissed off Velvet finally got to vent her frustrations to Madison. The TNA cameras cut to a shot of the backstage area where Lacey and several security officials were trying to break up a fight between the two Beautiful People. Lacey kept tying her best to get in the middle but Madison nor Velvet were having it. At one point, Velvet reached out and shoved Lacey, knocking her into a piece of equipment and sending her to the ground. Madison was taken away and Velvet went into mother mode. She rushed to Lacey’s side and started checking on her, and apologizing, and blaming Madison. She asked for someone to call an ambulance and the scene faded to the ringside area.

The Good: After three nice weeks of sunshine and roses Impact Write-Ups, I’m afraid this one is going to be full of doom and gloom. There wasn’t a whole lot that was good tonight, to be frank. I hate that, really I do. For once, it had nothing to do with writing. But we’ll have to save those complaints for the bad and the ugly, so lets try and find something good. First up, Hamada. So many people have been begging to have her return to Impact and when she does, she finally gets her rematch for the tag team titles that she never truly lost in the first place. An Impact Hamada siting is about as rare as the Lochness Monster these days so I’m sure her fans were happy. TNA picked a bad match for her to return in (more on that later) but at least the pay off was a nice consolation prize. Hopefully being a champion will lead to more Hamada on our Thursday nights and seeing as how last night was the first match of hers I’ve seen, I look forward to seeing her do more. I highly doubt what she showed in the ring last night is an indication of what she can really do, but props to her for dumbing herself down and doing her best to work with what she got stuck with in the ring.

The backstage segment was good for the most part. The fight between Madison and Velvet was long overdue and I like the fact Lacey ended up getting punished in the end. She’s always been the one in the middle of this feud and I feel like it’s going to escalate even further now. It would not shock me one bit to see Madison manipulate Lacey into siding with her, while Velvet is forced to turn to Angelina to even the numbers. Don’t be surprised if Velvet ends up costing Madison the title next week. I don’t really care to see the 800th Angelina Love championship reign, but whatever. If it’s done right, maybe I’ll deal with it. Personally, I’d rather see Madison confuse everyone and ensure that Madison keeps the Knockouts Championship, then take it for herself. That would hurt Madison more than helping Angelina take the title. I doubt TNA is bright enough to do that, though.

What else was good… hmmm. A Beautiful People member actually got legit ring gear. Good job Lacey! For all her mistakes and just general awfulness, at least she looked great and classy. Her ring gear was nice and sparkly, and like always, she looked gorgeous.

The Bad: Remember I said the backstage segment was good for the most part? Well it was, except for when Lacey took the big bump at the end. She braced herself for it to obviously and made it look rather cheap. I’ve seen her do it before, and I’m confused as to why she did it this time. Her chair shot at the end of the match was excellent. She took it so well. Bummer.

The Ugly: This match was just ugly. I don’t know why TNA felt that Lacey should wrestle the majority of this match. Lacey fans are not fans because she’s an amazing wrestler (at least I hope not). Lacey fans are fans because she’s got a great character and she looks fabulous. To have Lacey step inside the ring against Hamada was nothing short of a joke. Every flaw that Lacey has inside that ring was exposed and it was downright painful to watch. Whatever possessed TNA to have Velvet keep bringing Lacey in, I don’t know. I’m really baffled by that. Maybe it’s just me, but I could tell Hamada was doing everything she could to make sure she went easy on Lacey. Maybe she did it because she’s a nice person and she didn’t want to hurt, or show up Lacey, or maybe she was told too, but either way it wasn’t really fair. Velvet’s not exactly an in-ring goddess but she can sell her ass off and take a beating, and it would have been nice to see her and Hamada go at it. Taylor did a little better job handling Lacey than Hamada did. Their interaction on the outside of the ring was fun to watch. Perhaps Taylor is more used to dealing with Lacey types since she was in the WWE system for awhile.

TNA tonight was bad, but on the bright side, it can only go up. And hey, at least the KOs weren’t the worst part of the show. Ric Flair flashing the Impact Zone and Orlando Jordan having an affair with his finger were way above the Knockouts so there’s something right there to be proud of. There’s no match this weekend, but on the special Impact we’ll get our championship match with Madison and Angelina. I’m looking forward to that and hopefully all of you are as well.

P.S. Thanks to @johnhyperion for the brilliant title!

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