Tuesday, September 26, 2023

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Impact Write-Up (June 2nd, 2011): Frankenstein Learns To Speak

So last week, the Impact Wrestling Knockouts took a little vacation to Crazy Cove and ended up leaving us all scratching our heads. We saw blood trickle from the lips of an evil genius and her monster creation forced the enemy to pay dearly for the mistake. There was also that little trip to Psycho Pasture where someone needs a definite dose of estrogen injections to calm down that menopause. This week, the crazies are back and in full force. From a balls to the wall brawl to a singles match that isn’t so one-on-one. Not to mention, a little surprise at the end that has the peasants of the mountain rejoicing in the fields. As always, it is bound to be an interesting show for Impact Wrestling so stop sitting around here, reading this mess. Get to the good stuff!

Before the show can even officially start off, the cameras are centered backstage and as you would have guessed, someone is fighting. ODB literally tries to start things off with a BAM!(you like it) by attempting to put Velvet Sky and her face through an equipment box. But, thankfully, Velvet bounces off and rolls to the floor. The words “whore”, “bitch” and “douche” are thrown around like candy at a Christmas parade. ODB slaps the backside of Velvet, who was apparently posing for a photoshoot for TNA photographer, Lee South. Even he got a taste when he tried to pull ODB back off Vel Vel, proving that chivalry is not dead. By the way, love your work. Sorry about your testicular region.

When ODB comes back for Velvet, she gets a kick to the stomach and slapped back around because we know that Velvet is feisty. She even goes so far as to spear the Dirty Bitch herself through the pretty pink paper backdrop. The photographer in me just cringed. This whole time, Velvet keeps asking her what’s wrong with her and I can only imagine what every psychiatrist is thinking. Dr. Phil would have a field day with ODB. I can see him questioning her motives for dumping the water bottle over Velvet’s head or why she felt the need to throw her against the wall then choke her against the floor. Then going on to dive in about why she’s throwing out big names she overheard on CNN at the sports bar and talking about chubbies.

This whole thing is coming off a bit like a scorned lover’s brawl, if you ask me.

Nonetheless, ODB drags Velvet out toward the Impact Zone, while a camera man runs from the other side. ODB slams Vel Vel into a table and muscles her around, slamming her head into the seating wall. Um. Ouch. She even throws out something that sounds like it is supposed to be “bikini shoot” but comes out sounding like she just stepped out of the Alaskan wilderness. Dontcha kno?! Anyway, Velvet, clad in only her underwear that is covered by a new Impact Wrestling shirt, ends up against the opposite wall. The Dirty Bitch goes to punch her but Vel Vel rolls away, causing her to punch the wall. I know that hurt.

But we all know that Velvet is full of fire and once she gets the upperhand, she’ll take it. She takes her attacker back against the table and slams her down, telling her she isn’t finished with her yet. Back across to the other wall and it looks like Velvet might actually get one up but ODB is bigger and stronger, so she comes back quicker. I’m not sorry to say it but ODB is not someone I would want to run into in a dark alley. I’d probably cut her with Cryssi’s knife. I should probably lend it to Velvet because that tailbone to the wall is definitely gonna put her down for awhile.

ODB, attempting to predict the future, points to a handicap sign and tells her victim that’s what she is going to look like when she’s done. But here comes security, who apparently had to eat a full course meal before getting out there. ODB puts up her hands and as soon as they take a breath, lands a hard kick to their manhood. Can you hit that high note now? Haha. Here’s my question, if ODB isn’t even employed, why is she allowed to just hang around?! So much for security. But whatever, she doesn’t care and neither does Velvet because she whips her around, slapping the hell out of her. A chest chop with a slam into the wall and Velvet screams in her face that she isn’t finished with her.

“Not by a mile…”

So she takes her to the barricade but gets held up herself, ass up and vulnerable for another slap. Insert a couple of bleeps and a couple more “whores” and you’ve got an episode of Jerry Springer. Vel Vel tries to fight back but ODB drags her around, groping herself and nailing Velvet with stiff shots. She rips Velvet’s shirt down the middle and throws her in the ring, stalking her. Velvet tries to kick her away but the Dirty Bitch strips her of her shirt and wraps it around her throat, choking the life out of her. What is with these crazy females and their obsession with choking?! Straddling her blonde victim, ODB tells her to kiss her ass, throws a forearm across her throat and counts a three on the mat.

“The bitch is back now! ….bitch.”

Meanwhile, she spits and gets out of the ring which, I guess, signals for Miss Tessmacher to finally make it to the ring. Where the hell was everyone for the good six minutes this was all going on? Velvet points at her throat and Tess unwraps the cotton, allowing her to breathe. She makes sure her glasses stay on her head and cradles a broken Velvet. I tell you what. If that was me….well, let’s just say that it is too violent for even this show.

skip to the 2:09 minute mark

Later in the show, we see Winter backstage, completely pissed off. She slaps her hand against the wall and turns her attention to a stonefaced Angelina Love. She starts ranting about what Mickie James did to her last week, drawing blood. She hurt her. She wanted to disfigure her and scar her for life. UNCONSCIONABLE! How many times have we heard her say that? I do believe it is her favorite word, even thought it seems like it is so painful to say. Winter goes on to tells Angelina that she has to defend her honor, she has to and it starts tonight with Tess….shhhhhh!

In a motion we haven’t seen lately, Angelina puts her finger to Winter’s lips and actually…..SPEAKS! Oh wow. I seriously choked on my drink. She says they must once again become royalty and be loved and cherished by the people. They need to go back to a happier time when it was just the two of them, no one standing between them. She is beginning to understand how Winter feels and tonight, she does this in her honor. Does what exactly? Are they going to hold hands and skip around the maypole?! Because I love ribbons and that would be awesome.

It is finally time for the Knockouts match of the evening. Honorable mention to Christy Hemme for being a fierce ring announcer and fashionista. I’m coming for that outfit. Out first is Miss Tessmacher and honestly, this is the first time I’ve actually listened to her theme song and I really like it. I can dig that. The former secretary comes out in a style only she can throw out, stripping off her clothes and showing off her ass..ets. I thought by now she would at least have a new color for her outfit but sadly, she doesn’t. Her opponent, the now speaking zombie, Angelina Love makes her way to the ring with Winter in tow. They stop on the stage and Winter caresses her minion’s face and they make their way to the ring, Angelina crawling in like the creature she has become. I do have to say that she is looking a little less crypt keeper this week.

The bell rings and the official tells Winter to get off the apron while Tessmacher comes behind Angelina, going for a quick roll-up. A fight out and another one but it is a no-go. However, Tess has fire in her and she goes for a side headlock, going for a takedown but Angelina isn’t having it. She stops it, not once but twice and takes Tess down with a shoulder block off the rebound. A gaze toward Winter and Angelina is slightly distracted, but her pain block is still intact. She doesn’t even budge when Tessmacher throws a forearm. A double hand choke turns into a toss across the ring, which leads to multiple hard right hands from Angelina. The official stays on her but all she can do is stare him down.

If looks could kill…..

A ring around(har har) and Tess gets a flying cross body on Angelina, going for another pin but she doesn’t even make it to two. Winter, always the distraction, provides just enough that Tessmacher gets knocked to the outside. Winter taunts Tessmacher while Angelina comes to the outside, throwing those stiff shots until the referee makes her get back in the ring. A quick shove into the ring from Winter and Tessmacher is down on the mat, getting picked up for two harsh sideslams. Shoulder blocks to the midsection against the turnbuckle and this official has his hands full. Angelina charges back in but Tess fights back, finally coming out of the corner, taking her opponent down with a pair of flying clotheslines. Oh, here we go. That little stripper dance victory roll….or so we thought.

Angelina scouts it and drops her back to the mat. The crowd starts the stomps while the New Zombie Hot drops Tessmacher back on both her knees, going for a sit down pin. She picks up the three count and another win, but Winter isn’t finished. That simple motion to snap another victim in half and Angelina moves likes a cat, locking Miss Tessmacher in that choke hold submission. The official does his best to break them apart but Winter clammers into the ring, yelling at him to get away. SHE’S MINE! Uh…whatever you say, Morticia. I’m pretty sure given Mickie’s past, she has some idea what Angelina is going through. Perhaps they should go to therapy sessions together? Either way, they’re going to fight at Slammiversary and it ain’t gonna be pretty.

And for those of you paying attention, Karen Jarrett finally fell down the castle stairwell this week with a little help from the King himself, Jeff. Let’s just say that I have a feeling we won’t be seeing much of Mama Jarrett for a while. You can check out the video below:

Thoughts: This show just keeps getting more insane by the week. ODB has officially gone batshit and well, so has Angelina. But hey, at least she’s speaking now, right? Every cloud has a silver lining. Aside from that highlight of the night, I definitely have to state again that I want Christy’s outfit. I’m coming for it. Get it ready. I’m wondering how this Angelina/Winter deal is going to finally unravel. Did you see the way Angelina was looking at Winter this week? Like she wants to slather her in barbecue sauce and stick her on the grill for dinner. Medium rare. Rather creepy, if you ask me.

As for ODB and Velvet, well…let’s just say that I really doubt Velvet can handle the Dirty Bitch on her own. I’m pretty sure she’s gonna need back up because ODB is a T-Rex. But Vel Vel has spunk so we shall see. Until next week, my lovies! xoxo

What did you guys think about this week’s Impact? Tell me about it!

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