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Impact Write-Up (May 12th, 2011): Mama Jarrett Goes Downtown to Chynatown

Oh boy. Last week, we got a serious basketful of everyone and their mama on Impact. Between Winter and Angelina Love beating up on Velvet Sky, who was assumed and accused of being Kurt Angle’s mistress and the Cinco de Mayo celebration with Mexican America. I was so worn out last week. This week, we find out the truth, however. The Queen of the Mountain has been throwing her blame finger at everyone under the sun and finally narrowed it down, but boy is she in for a major surprise. Daddy Jarrett doesn’t know what’s coming his way either! All is to be revealed on this week’s episode so if you’re ready for it, dive right in. The water’s nice and electrifying!

So our show starts off with a rather meek and “humbled” appearance by the Royal Family of the Hillside, Karen Jarrett and her tagalong husband, Jeff. Again. They make their way to the ring and with lackluster attitudes, I must admit. Karen looks annoyed and Jeff just looks like he’s trying to knock an ongoing migraine. The crowd isn’t helping and their jeers just flood through the Impact Zone like a raging river. Stopping to hug his wife on the steps before he gets in the ring, Jeff steps in and takes a microphone, stating that they’ve decided to once and for all, call a truce. That’s right. He knows he’s mocked Kurt Angle in the past but tonight, Big Daddy is very sincere. How comforting.

Jeff tells Kurt to take a look at Karen, so sweet, so innocent and so fragile. I’m sure. He says that Karen wouldn’t hurt a fly and for her to be put in harm’s way, in the middle of the ring at Sacrifice, is terribly wrong. Just oh so terrible. Yet, we’re all dying to see it. He says he has done his best to keep her out of all of his matches yet, Karen keeps getting in the way. Womp womp. By the way, it’s MIStress, Jeff. Not MITtress. Just to let you know.

Now it’s Karen turn to talk and she turns on the waterworks, buddy. She says that Kurt has had many matches in his career and has probably had his bell rung one too many times, but how he has convinced himself that is nothing but a thorn in his side, is just beyond her. He knows she’s the opposite. She has been nothing but a warm, loving, caring, giving ex-wife. Not to mention…oh, she dropped the kids’ names. She says that everything that has happened in the last three months between herself, Kurt and Big Daddy…er, Jeff..has been a complete misunderstanding. That restraining order? It was all for you, Kurt. Yet, she wants your apology and she is going to humbly accept it. Oh boy. And there he is….

Kurt’s music hits and he makes his way to the ring, where Jeff Jarrett his holding his hand out and then puts both hands behind his back. Oh! I love this game! Which hand is the toy in?! No? Damn. Oh well. Kurt tells Karen that “It’s done.” and Karen automatically thanks him. But Kurt says he means no, it’s all done. After being married for all those years, you would think Karen would learn not to push him the way she has been. But she is like the Energizer bunny and she keeps pushing and pushing on. She and Mr. Douchebag have been pressing all the right buttons and Kurt has tolerated it because she is the mother of his children. He doesn’t even know why he even married Karen. And it’s only a matter of time before Jeff realizes that Karen is pure evil and empties his pockets, not to mention bank account, just like she did with Kurt!

OOOH! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

BUT! Before this marriage implodes, Kurt is gonna get some justice. There is going to be a mixed tag match at Sacrifice between Jeff and Karen and Kurt, along with his business partner. Kurt says he was going to introduce her but the network representative is making him way. He wants to make it proper. But who is she? Big Daddy knows just who she is. Oh it’s real. It’s damn real! But does Karen know who she is? By the conniption she starts throwing, I’m going to go with a sure answer of “Hell no.”

Up next, back from commercial, we have Knockouts tag team action with introductions being announced by the lovely Christy Hemme. Out first is the bickering team of Tara and Madison Rayne. The “Queen” is screaming at Tara, who looks like she’s a few months late for Valentine’s Day. Madison forces Tara to stop while she waves to her crowd and even rips her a new one when she doesn’t participate in taunting activities on the apron. Guh. Take a breath, Brattycakes. Go get your tiara ripped off by Earl Hebner. HARDCORE COUNTRY! Next to the ring is the team of the TNA Knockouts Champion, Mickie James and her opponent from last week, Miss Tessmacher. They bound to the ring while we get a little review of the match stipulations between Madison and Mickie in regards to their match at the upcoming pay-per-view.

Being cute, or attempting to, Tess throws her jacket onto the camera and they slide into the ring, much to the agreement of the crowd. Starting things off are Mickie and Tara, a little reluctant at best, to lock up. But they do and Tara gets the upperhand with a wristlock on Mickie. However, nimble as she is, Mickie reverses and they go back and forth, flipping and whirling around. All the while, Madison growls from the apron, demanding Tara to get her. Give her a collar and a long chain, she can changed her name to abused bulldog. You’re the type of person that Sarah McLachlan is singing about, Madison! Don’t Abuse. Don’t Purchase. Adopt. Adore. Love. Ahem.

After a double dropkick gone awry, Mickie and Tara stare each other down until Mickie extends her hand and Tara shakes it happily. Much to Madison’s dismay, Tara gets in her face and tags her in, getting scolded for her effort. You should have shut your mouth, Brattycakes. Madison gets in the ring and when she turns around, she gets thesz pressed to the mat. When Mickie gets up, Madison jabs a knee into her stomach and rebounds off the ropes, seneding a boot right to the temple of the champion. But Madison isn’t done bitching at Tara and while her back was turned, Mickie tags in the returning newbie, Miss Tessmacher.

Laughter ensues but it is quick to come to a halt when Tessmacher knocks Madison back into the corner, knocking her with forearms. A ring-around goes into the other corner and Tess is up on the top turnbuckle, flipping her hair around to set it up for the victory roll. Madison steps out into the ring and whirling up, a pin for the three count and Tessmacher has won it for her team! Madison is not happy and she quickly turns her frustration toward Tara, who is making like a brick wall when bounced upon. The veteran isn’t about to stand for it any longer and steps out of the ring, quick to ignore Madison’s demands for her to get back in the ring. Oh drama.

There was also a small segment backstage where Tara starts mouthing off that she is sick of being under Madison’s thumb. They disagree everyday, going back and forth like a couple of bickering school girls who are best frenemies. She stated that when Mickie wins at Sacrifice, she is finally going to be rid of that brat. Madison overhears it and stalks over, demanding to know who Tara is calling a rat. Tara says brat. Whatever. Madison says that when SHE wins at Sacrifice, she is going to make Tara’s life a living hell! However, I could not find a video of just that small moment and I don’t want you to have to filter through minutes of useless footage for it. So if you saw it, yay! If not, I apologize. It’s there somewhere.

So for those of you paying attention, there has been a “network representative” lurking behind the scenes at TNA, calling the shots from the shadows. Well now, it can be revealed that the network executive is actually The Hardcore Legend himself, Mick Foley! BANG BANG! He is quick to come out and get all up in Hulk Hogan’s grill, telling him that he may drop him flat but he’ll get back up. Doesn’t Mick always get back up? I thought so. Mick goes on his own little rant and eventually tells Hogan that he will remember this day. Not only did Mick change the name of the company from TNA to Impact! Wrestling, but he tells Hogan he will remember this day because this will be the day that he stopped making a difference and that wrestling matters. And to show all of the fans what Impact is all about, they have a new main event. A 25 man battle royal! No more politics, just 25 men to determine who will be the number one contender. That’s Impact! And that’s wrestling!

And because Karen and Jeff are going to be wrestling on Sunday night, he might, no, he IS going to tell them who Kurt Angle’s tag team partner is at Sacrifice. Oh, here we go. The moment of truth! I’ve waited for it for weeks. Everyone’s attention goes to the stage when Mick points. The lights filter and the music begins, almost like a countdown but spelling out a name on the screen. Give me a Y, give me an H, give me an N, give me an A, give me a C! Scramble that around with a few screams of horror from Karen Jarrett and you’ve got CHYNA! OH MY GOD! The 9th Wonder of the World has come back to wrestling after 10 years and she’s in TNA! Erm…Impact Wrestling.

Backstage, we see Mick Foley standing with a silent Chyna and he’s talking about getting the adrenaline rush. It says it’s so damn good to be back on a show and in a company where wrestling matters. He tells the interviewer that from time to time, he’s in a position of authority and he was looking for Hogan to knock him down. He was there when Hogan won the World Heavyweight Championship. He was hoping they would put their hands on them because he wanted to fire them. Mick goes on to tell Chyna that he has been the worst offender from time to time then goes on to describe the new main event for the night. He states that where Jeff Jarrett is, Karen Angle/Jarrett is going to be there and where Karen is, he wants Chyna to be there too.

Did he seriously just say that there has always been a vague sexual tension between the two of them? I mean….really?

Oh the main event. The entire match, Karen Jarrett is at ringside, watching her husband attempt to strive for the next slot toward the coveted gold strap in the heavyweight division. I won’t bore you with the details of the match because we’re here for the women, right? It finally comes down to Kurt and Jeff in the ring, after a couple of others have been knocked to the outside. Kurt has the upperhand and it nearly has Jeff over the top rope but Karen pushed at Kurt’s knees, keeping him from accomplishing his goal. However, Kurt easily bounces back and it’s time to knock down the straps.

Unfortunately, Karen gets involved again and distracts Kurt by grabbing at his ankle. This prompts the notorious ex-husband to snatch her up and bring her to the apron, but gives her Big Daddy just enough time to push Kurt right over the top rope to the outside. Jarrett has won it! Or..so he thinks. He and Karen start celebrating but no bell is rung and no music echoes through the Impact Zone. One, two, three times with the hands raised and Karen demands his music be played, but there seems to be a problem with production. Someone cue the monkeys in the truck!

Out of the corner and over the barricade steps Chyna. She wastes no time rolling into the ring and unfolding herself behind the Jarretts. Karen spots her first and her jaw drops, while Jeff slowly turns around and gets himself easily eliminated from the match by Chyna! Jeff can’t believe it and neither can Mama Jarrett who gets a hand around the throat from her opponent this Sunday. Saved by the King of the Mountain, he snags his Queen from the ring and they take off for higher pastures, slowly pursued by Chyna, who gets stopped by officials. On her tail is Kurt and he wraps his arm around her shoulders, walking off with her like she’s a prized posession. Oh I can imagine she is quite the trophy, Kurt. Come at her, bro!

Thoughts: Man, oh man! I can definitely say that out of all people, I never expected Chyna to the be one to step onto the stage. I’m not one for spoilers but unfortunately, I was aware of this one. However, when I was informed of it, my reaction was probably priceless. It doesn’t beat actually seeing it however. I remember Chyna from way back when, from her very first debut, all the way up to her departure from WWE. Now seeing her in TNA? I don’t even know what to say, honestly. It’s kind of surreal. Definitely looking forward to seeing what happens at Sacrifice.

As for the Knockouts tag team match, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Miss Tessmacher has come quite some way since she first started out in the company and I’m curious to see how far she can go. Getting the pin on the company’s top bratty bad girl is a definite leg up for the former secretary. And teaming with the Knockouts Champ? Um..hello. Definitely not knocking this week. Good showing from everyone involved. And let me just say, I’m waiting for the day that Tara knocks Madison on her ass. Until this Sunday, my lovies! xoxo

What did you guys think about this week’s Impact? Tell me about it!

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