Monday, July 4, 2022

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The Weekly Top 10: 10 Rules for the Diva Mark


Welcome to a new feature here at Diva Dirt, the concept of which you may recognise from The Late Show with David Letterman. In every episode of The Late Show, Letterman has a satirical ‘top ten’, that combined with the recently published “20 Rules for the Diva Afterlife” gave us an idea! Check back every week for Diva Dirt’s Letterman-esque Weekly Top 10!

10 Rules for the Diva Mark

1. Pick a Diva
The first step to being a Diva mark is picking a Diva to mark for. Duh! Prime candidates are Divas with limited ring skills, zero charisma and/or a questionable past ( modeling, contest winners and porn). These flaws will make perfect targets for others to pick at, making for the perfect opportunity to unleash your marky fury.

2. Declare Your Love
Once you’ve picked your Diva, the next step is to show everyone how much you love them. Scour the message boards for any and every thread about your Diva. Leave borderline obssessive messages such as: “ZOMG! She’s the bestest diva everz!'” Make sure every other message on the thread is yours.

3. Twitter Me
If your Diva of choice has a Twitter (or any other social networking profile), use it !This is your direct line to your chosen Diva and your best chance to grab her attention. Send messages like: “You’re the like best ever!” or “What are you doing RIGHT NOW? I wish I was there =(”

If she doesn’t respond, keep trying! She can only ignore you for so long…

4. Take Her Name
Change your Twitter username to ‘BobbyKanellis4Maria’ or something similar.

5. The World Revolves Around Her
One of the mark’s most unique qualities is their uncanny ability to insert their Diva into any conversation. She is the Alpha and the Omega — no other Diva matters. Here’s a perfect example:

John: Hey did you see Mickie James‘ match against Beth Phoenix?
Yeah… it was OK. You know what would have made it even better? If Candice was in it! I know she’s been out of action for a year, but she totally deserves the title. I mean, she is the best, right?

But don’t stop at wrestling conversations. Bring your favorite Diva up at the dinner table, at work or even during your biology presentation. A true mark’s work is never done.

Click in for more:

6. Blogs Are the Devil
Be a martyr for your girl, defend your Diva to the death. Those pesky bloggers diss your Diva? How dare they?! Don’t they know she’s the best? Clog the blog’s comments with long-winded paragraphs about how great your Diva is and how stupid they are to disagree. Use words like ‘biased’ and ‘slander’ to really drive your point home.

7. It’s Everyone Else’s Fault
Make excuses for your Diva and blame others for her faults i.e. a botched match. “It’s not [your Diva’s] fault that she tripped over [insert other Diva’s name here]! She was in her way!”

8. Get All Up in Her Business
You don’t know her if you don’t know everything about her including who she’s dating. Don’t know? Make it up! Try to sound knowledgable as you make up lies about her various relationships, they won’t realise, they think you’re the ‘expert’.

9. Flaws and All
You accept your Diva for everything she is — even if it goes against your morals. She’s slept with a married man? Oh well it’s her ~personal life~ who cares? Contradicts rule #8, don’t you think?

10. A Mark’s Day is Never Done
Wash, rinse and repeat all above rules on a daily basis. You can’t sleep until you’ve done your duty for the day. If you feel you’ve let your girl down, flog yourself and beg for forgiveness.

Additional reporting by Melanie.

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