Raw Redux (April 30th, 2012): Thanks for the Memories, Bellas

It’s another happy Monday people and it’s time for another live-blog edition of the Redux that won’t be posted until late tomorrow afternoon. Not my problem, clearly, because I’m not the publisher, but who really cares, right? I expect Raw to be semi-explosive tonight thanks to the awesome title change at last night’s Extreme Rules. Layla is our new Divas Champion thanks in part to Twin Magic being a big ole fail last night. Nikki Bella lost her title thanks in large part to Brie being pinned. What type of fallout will we have tonight… if any at all?! This is Raw, to be honest.

In the meantime while I stuff my face and drink a refreshing Coke Zero, I’m going to go unlock the Kelly Kelly sticker on Get Glue! How divalicious is that?

So Raw opens with Brock going cray cray on Triple H and “breaking” the COO’s arm. Lee (@theregoeskitty) tweeted: “if that submission breaks your arm than Sheamus must’ve fcking died last night.” I concur. I find it completely adorable Sheamus is backstage checking on Trips though.

Here comes Eve Torres looking nerd hot in her fierce business suit and glasses. I will wear my glasses every single day now. She announces that there will be a series of beat the clock matches tonight to determine the number one contender to the WWE Championship. I really love the way she looks right now. Incredible. You go Eve!

Abbie (@FaithLoveSoul) tweeted this about Eve’s new look: “Loved the addition of the glasses! Very executive.” Totally. I’m completely digging her status right now as this hot executive chick. Despite the fact she is one of the more solid girls wrestling-wise on the roster, I like this role for Eve. She’s one of the very few girls who could pull this off and it keeps her fresh in the minds of the fans. I absolutely love it.

Diva Dirt’s very own Jake (@JakeVerterano) tweeted: “I’m loving @EveMarieTorres in the glasses, reminds me of some vintage @StacyKeibler.” That’s really the best way to describe Eve to me right now. Stacy is my favorite vintage Diva (and my own personal role model). Eve is totally giving off Stacy K. vibes! Love, love, love this comparison.

One last tweet on the subject of Eve, and I encourage all of you to participate in this movement: “#EveGotGlasses is my new hashtag for the night. Please help in trending it worldwide! #WWE #RAW.” That is via of our very own Bobby (@SunnyDewhite), ladies and gentlemen.

Raw comes back from commercial break and the slam of the night is from Extreme Rules. Highlights of Layla winning the Divas Championship, so I’m assuming we’re getting Divas! Rematch time for the Divas Championship is our match tonight. The twins will face each other and Layla, and the twins are not happy with one another. The bell rings for the match to begin and Nikki and Brie start off by shoving one another. Layla takes advantage of this and drop kicks Nikki. She goes flying into Brie. Brie falls out of the ring. Layla rolls up Nikki for the win.


A tweet that was just retweeted onto my timeline says, “Layla wins faster than Sheamus at WrestleMania #RAW.” That pretty much sums it up.

With all the drama surrounding the Bella Twins and whether or not their contracts are up, if they are leaving, what a shitty send-off. I’m going to be totally biased right now and say that I’m really annoyed by this. Brie and Nikki are two of the better girls on the roster and what a crappy way for them to go out. I truly hope that this isn’t the end for them because now I just want to see more. They can’t go out this way in my mind, bickering with each other and losing in like five seconds. That’s really, really annoying. A tweeter asked me if I would rather see them get destroyed by Kharma and to that I say, yes. I would much rather see them get destroyed by Kharma because at least it would make more sense. I poke fun at the people who literally beg every week for Kharma to make her return but damn. Now I feel like one of those people. At least it would be a bit of retribution for Kharma, and a sensible demise for the Bella twins. Thanks for tweeting me with that question, Jefferson (@officespacejk)!

In other news, several people have pointed out that Layla has beaten the clock. Why not? Why the hell not?

Speaking of why the hell not, Nikki Bella (@thebellatwins) just tweeted: “Note to self… Don’t argue with your twin sister at the beginning of a title match! I’m going to ask Johnny for a rematch!! N #RAW #WWE.” THIS GIVES ME HOPE!!!!

Up next we have our Funkettes, Cameron and Naomi, with their pointless fake dinosaur, Brodus Clay. I’m starting to loathe him thanks to my unprofessional bias towards Diva Dirt’s own Prince Dolph. But nonetheless, the Funkettes are sporting their red outfits tonight. I don’t really like the red outfits, especially after seeing their outfits last night at Extreme Rules, but it is what it is. Am I in the minority thinking that Naomi and Cameron need to start getting involved these matches a little bit? This gimmick is starting to get stale but with all the peons in the crowd cheering it and the people like Bobby supporting it on Twitter, I reckon we will continue to have to suffer with it. I totally went heel there but guess what, I DON’T CARE. To make it worse, children were just brought into the ring. I do not like children. At all.

Our very own Melanie (@MelanieLDN) seems to echo my thoughts about wanting more from the Funkettes — Naomi in particular. She tweets; “Naomi could possibly be a great title contender against Layla. #WishfulTweeting #Raw”. Yeah, it probably is wishful thinking and but anything is better than Brodus Clay at this point. I’m being really hateful right now, but that’s what happens when you beat Prince Dolph when you shouldn’t. I’m a very, very bitter person. And Naomi is being so wasted right now.

So I don’t sound that hateful, I’m going to throw in a pro-Brodus and the Funkettes tweet. CHIKARA’s beautiful Veronica (@Veronica_MM1) tweets, “I wanna dance with Brodus! Or the sexy Funkettes… Hmmmm”. To that I say, Veronica… you are better than that! The Funkettes and Brodus couldn’t even handle you. Adore you, girly!

Backstage, Eve is with Johnny Ace. She is giving Big Johnny a pep talk. During her speech, she has to remind Johnny where her eyes are which is amazing. Johnny and Eve are incredible together. They may be my new favorite male/female pairing, and no people. I’m not even joking. This segment is amazing. Quoting Melanie again, “Eve is serving up her best Sandra Bullock in Blind Side/Michelle Pfiefer in Dangerous Minds pep talk! Love it! #Raw”. Yup, that basically sums it up.

With another beat the clock challenge coming up, Randy Orton, A SMACKDOWN SUPERSTAR WHO SHOULD BE ON SMACKDOWN, comes to the ring. He’s facing Raw’s Jack Swagger which means a lovely Vickie Guerrero sighting. Now normally, I agree with everything Vickie says. I do. She’s the QUEEN. But when she makes her introduction for Jack Swagger she calls him the most handsome. EXCUSE ME!? Swagger is not the most handsome man in your stable, Vickie. That distinction belongs to Prince Dolph. Despite how amazing your sparkly turquoise top is, I will NOT give you a pass for that ridiculous comment. As if.

“BREAKING NEWS: http://WWE.com has learned that The Bella Twins have been fired from WWE. http://wwe.me/aCpQ2 @TheBellaTwins #Raw.”


FFS DOUBLE KILL ME NOW. GO BACK TO SMACKDOWN RANDY! Why does he have to beat the damn clock?!

God, I have got to pull it together. There is a tag team title match on next and that means I’m going to have to recap Rosa Mendes and her fashion. I got this. I got this. I got this. Here we go! That crazy, catchy music hits and Rosa is out and strutting her stuff like usual. I’m not that crazy about her outfit tonight but she is making it work for her. I like it, but for some reason, it isn’t working for me together. I want those boots though. Rosa, if you read this Redux, please tweet me where you got those boots. Thanks! You can find me at Twitter handle @allHAILkhaleesi.

In fact, Rosa, you and I should go shopping together. You’re going to need some retail therapy now due to the fact you just cost your men the tag team titles. Ugh. Speaking of Rosa and the boys, they’re walking backstage and arguing with one another. Abraham Washington approaches them and Rosa agrees that they should talk. Why would you want to talk to him, Rosa? He’s trying to take your job. Do you want to join the Bellas in the unemployment line?

Raw is killing me tonight. Kane versus Khali in a beat the clock match is not helping me whatsoever right now. My good friend Nessa just pointed out this gem to me: “The fact Ryder and Dolph were on Superstars and Khali is on RAW is a crime. #RAW”. That is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Neither of them beat the clock, thank God.

Final beat the clock match features Daniel Bryan. Is it to much for me to hope for an AJ sighting?! Probably. Nothing is working for me tonight. I hate tonight. I feel like a dark cloud just descended over my head and it started pouring down rain. Jerry Lawler is wrestling. I’m done.

And no, there wasn’t any AJ sighting. Boo.

That looks like it’s going to do for Raw tonight. My feelings about the show are easily summed up tonight. Everything was a bit of a hot mess. The Bella Twins are gone, leaving a void in the roster that I can only hope the Anti-Divas in FCW end up filling. Everything else seems to be in limbo. Our manager girls did their usual schtick tonight and it was great. And sadly, DB and AJ had no continuation and there wasn’t even a mention about her creeping after him last night at Extreme Rules. I’m kind of deflated right now and rightfully so. Tonight was a decent Raw, but it had nothing to do with any of my people and that makes me sad.

I’m really going to miss the Bella Twins. It’s official, they are gone, and it sucks. I have no doubt that both of them will be successful in whatever they choose to pursue next, I’m just really disappointed that it won’t be wrestling anymore. They have never gotten the credit they deserved inside that ring. Those girls were good and the people who refuse to see it are the same people that refuse to give any Diva credit. I guess my only consolation is that the Bellas are seemingly going out on their own terms even if their departure is anti-climatic. I would have enjoyed something more, but we don’t always get what we want. I got to meet the Bellas at WrestleMania in Atlanta last year, and it wasn’t the greatest experience. I didn’t really get to say much to either of them, or even do my cool Diva Dirt name drop. It was early morning, the line was moving fast, and both girls seemed tired. It didn’t even matter to me. I got to see them in person and that was really cool. Beautiful, talented women. They look incredible on camera and in person they’re stunning. The Bella Twins, Brie and Nikki, will be missed on television more than most people will care to admit. I’m already at a loss.

Brianna and Nicole, thank you for the past four years of memories. You were fresh, different, innovative, and you worked your asses off to try and get better with every single match. Good luck with the next chapter in your lives.

Until next week… Cryssi out!

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