Thursday, September 23, 2021

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Raw Redux (February 13th, 2012): Zack and Eve Could Have Had It All…

Ahem… Dear Zack Ryder. I know you’re probably laid up in your hospital bed right now, and honestly, I really have no idea if you’ve even regained consciousness, but seriously, being conscious is sometimes overrated because look what happened to you on Raw when you were able to make your own decisions. And you know, that’s totally why I’m writing you. My name is Cryssi and I’m 27 years old. I’m single (.. I just have, you know, a non-boyfriend boyfriend), fun-loving, and all-around fun person. I enjoy partying, Bud Light Lime (which just happens to be your beer of choice), and I think Princess Leia (both of them…) are total losers! I will say I got a teensy bit jealous when Prince Dolph made out with Princess Leia on Z! True Long Island Story, because I’m a Dolph Ziggler kind of girl (… meaning I want to lay in bed with him and cuddle, while we whisper Archer quotes to one another), but that’s completely irrelevant. What matters is that your heart is broken right now and I want to be the one to help you mend it. I’m a great nurse (… I do own fishnets and red lipstick), and I think we would be a totally cute couple. And no, I won’t do you like Eve Torres. I won’t let John Cena rescue me from the clutches of Kane and kiss him in one intensely hot moment of unbridled passion. And I will certainly reserve my bedroom eyes for you and you only.

Until Dawlf comes around…

Ahem. Anyway, here’s my number. Call me when you come out of your coma. That bump off the stage looked soooooooooo brutal! 1-251-75…

Wait… sorry. I’m supposed to writing a Redux. No one was supposed to see my personal thoughts on the Zack Ryder tragedy and you certainly weren’t supposed to see how I would use it to my advantage. Every girl wants a hot Valentine and Ryder is totally hot. I mean not many guys would show up to Raw in their wheelchair, while sporting their back brace, and try to give their girl flowers and candy. Eve… damn you. How could you be so cruel?!

For those of you who didn’t witness the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL live last night on Raw, allow me to recap what happened.

Can you believe that shit?! Eve throwing herself at John Cena knowing darn well that Zack loves her and John loves Zack. How dare she? Zack was ready to give her everything. THEY COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL! We all saw how angry Cena got earlier in the show when he discovered that Zack’s flowers and candy weren’t for him. Why else would he make Zack stay in his lockerroom with a false promise of bringing Eve to him?! I don’t want to sit here and speculate that Cena never planned on bringing Eve to Zack; she could have very well gotten herself kidnapped first.

Yeah, Eve. You got yourself kidnapped by Kane and you know what, that’s totally fine. You led poor Zack Ryder on for weeks and you knew exactly what you were doing. You knew darn well that The Marine couldn’t resist a damsel in distress and you set this whole situation up so he would finally come to your rescue. You knew it wouldn’t take Superman a mere 47 hours to change a tire. You knew he could get that thing off in seven seconds flat. So when your life was in peril, and Kane was about to drive off in that ambulance, you pretended you couldn’t open the door right away. You timed it just so that you could fling the door open in the most dramatic of ways and throw yourself in the strong, well muscled arms of John Cena. Was it his rap skills that did it for you, Eve? Is it because he’s the Doctor of Thugamonics? Is it because you once pictured yourself marrying him at Madison Square Garden during WrestleMania while he rapped his vows to you? Wait a second, that’s my freaking fantasy! WHY DID YOU DO IT, EVE?! Why did you kiss John Cena after he wrapped those gorgeous arms of his tightly around your waist??

And why did you do it knowing Zack would be there to watch?

And you know, it only got worse…

“I just want to be friends.”

Well, guess what? A man and a woman can never be JUST friends. The San Jose crowd knew it. Oh they did. The reaction they gave you, Eve, after you uttered the most male ego-crushing phrase on the planet was beautiful. They let you have it. You got true heel heat and it was music to my ears. You’ve worked hard, Eve, I will not begrudge you that. The crowd has just never responded to you like they should have, myself included. But tonight, tonight you brought out the emotions thanks to that awful little sentence. I wept for Zack Ryder.

Do I even need to bother? Zack Ryder not only had his heart broken and his ego crushed, his entire body was shattered when Kane carelessly threw him off the stage after telling Cena just how sick he was. Wow.

Words can’t even begin to describe what I witnessed on Raw tonight. It was the absolute most beautiful thing ever and while I ranted and raved up there about just how bad of a person Eve is for breaking poor Zack Ryder’s heart… I would have done THE SAME THING! There is nothing in this world wrong with wanting a Louis Vuitton bag instead of a Coach bag, and let’s be honest. John Cena is soooo LV compared to Zack’s Coach status. Why would I want boring shoes from Dillards when I could have Louboutins or Jimmy Choos?!

Eve… you go, girl, with your #HEEL self. Tonight was your night.

I supposed it’s fair to say that it was Tamina‘s night as well, but on a much lesser scale. Not taking anything away from the Warrior Princess, of course, but it really was Eve’s night. That said, we got to see Tamina in action against Brie Bella, while Nikki stood at ringside and Beth Phoenix was on commentary.

My poor beloved Bellas. It sucks being a heel sometimes.

The match wasn’t bad, just short. Tamina has improved leaps and bounds and even though I want her to get a new outfit so I can take her more seriously, I do believe she is a legit threat to Beth’s championship.

Okay, I don’t. I even bet my phone number on it, and trust me if I lose said bet, I won’t be giving my phone number to Zack Ryder. Sigh.

At this point, Tamina isn’t ready to the hold championship. I think she’s just being a fill-in for Kharma, or who knows who else. In the past I would have said Natalya, but after what they’ve done to her on SmackDown, I don’t see how she can ever be taken seriously as a championship threat or dominant Diva again. What I do feel and what I firmly believe is that Tamina will give Beth a run for her money this Sunday at the Elimination Chamber. The match is a much needed breath of fresh air and I can’t wait to see how well the two click. Beth has done wonders for Kelly and Eve, so I’m excited to see what type of match she can pull out of Tamina.

Phew… what a night on Raw. Didn’t even get into the opening and how Vickie Guerrero was able to assert herself, but here’s the clip if you guys want your weekly dose of our favorite cougar.

Time to call it a day, my friends. Raw was simply wonderful this week. I couldn’t have asked for a better show. I hope each and every one of you have a great Valentine’s Day with your loved one. For those that don’t have a special someone, remember that you are your own special someone. Enjoy being single and embrace the fact that you never, ever have to share a single chocolate candy with anyone else.

Until next week, I hope… Cryssi out!

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