Thursday, December 1, 2022

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Ashley’s Late for 4th Period Study Hall

Say, ever wondered what it would be like to peer into the mind of one Ashley Massaro? Yeah, it’s a frightening prospect, but an interesting one at that. Well wait no longer, because the majesty of the inner workings of her brain have been exposed in her latest MySpace blog. Seemingly, Ashley has been wronged by a (former) significant other, and like any sensible 13-year-old girl that loiters outside the mall while wearing too much eyeliner and a Twilight shirt, she expresses her inner anguish through – what else? – a Dashboard Confessional song!

Enjoy this presentation of “MasterpieceMassaro Theater” below:

“The Best Deceptions”

I heard about your trip.
I heard about your souvenirs.
I heard about the cool breeze, in the cool nights,
And the cool guys that you spent them with.
Well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
I guess I should have heard of them from you.

Don’t you see, don’t you see, that THE CHARADE IS OVER!
And all the “Best Deceptions” and “Clever Cover Story” awards go to YOU!
So kiss me hard ’cause this will be the last time that I let you.
You will be back someday and this awkward kiss that tells of other
people’s lips will BE OF SERVICE TO KEEPING YOU AWAY.

I heard about your regrets.
I heard that you WERE FEELING SORRY.
I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right BETWEEN US.
Well I guess I should have heard of that from you.
I guess I should have heard of that you.

I’m waiting for BLOOD TO FLOW TO MY FINGERS, (and out of this
blistering mess I called a heart. thanks to you it is aLL BLACK.
I’ll be all right when my hands get warm. IGNORING THE PHONE
I’d rather say nothing. I’D RATHER YOU NEVER HEARD MY VOICE.
You’re calling TOO LATE too late to be gracious you do not warrant
long goodbyes.
You’re calling too late.
You’re calling too late.
YOU’RE CALLING TOO LATE.
-credit dashboard
Credit to my rage
If ignorance is bliss…then knock this smile off my face…
If we don’t take action now, we’ll settle for nothing later, we’ll
settle for nothing now, and we’ll settle for nothing later. Fuck
settling.

ps I’m keeping the dogs bitch.

If you want to listen to the actual song and get the ~full experience~, check it out below:

But wait, there’s more! Ashley was met with some unflattering “fan” responses. (Click the thumbnails to view the full photos):

To which she responds in the most fair and level-headed way possible – deleting them!:

I don’t know about you guys, but I hope she never returns to the WWE. Why give her a full-time job when she can provide us with simple entertainment like this? And one doesn’t even need to turn on the TV!

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