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Hitting the Ropes

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Glam Slam Mailbag #6 + 2 Glam Slam Reader Profiles

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Hello everybody!  I hope you all got a chance to watch episode #1 of “Jessie Kaye: Road to the Ring”.  I’m really proud of the web series.  It’s a fun challenge to bring Jessie’s story to light.  She’s a great kid.  In general the show is just reason this is an exciting time at Diva … Read more

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #25) – Hell’s Kitchen

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At some point in your life you have told Vincent Kennedy McMahon to go to hell. 

We all have.  Every single one of us.  Every single wrestling fan has done this at one time or another.  Whether you’re a casual fan who just watches Monday Night Raw or a hardcore fan that attends WrestleMania every year.  You have done this.  I guarantee it.

You have yelled at him through your television.  You have bitched about him to your friends.  You have made fun of him.  You have made fun of his family.  You have chastised him.  You have criticized him.  You have used his name in vain.  You have wanted to punch him in the nose. 

But I bet you have never stopped watching his product. 

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #24) – Third Time is a Charm

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“Why now?”

Shantelle Taylor was asking me why now, of all times, I had finally decided to pursue my dream of being a ring announcer.  I thought about it for a minute and then told her, “Because now I have the opportunity.”  But I’m not completely sure that was the entire answer.  Truth is I still don’t know exactly “why now”.  I mean, why didn’t I try this years ago?  I’ve always wanted to get involved in professional wrestling…so what was holding me back?  Really, why now? 

I guess one day I just woke up and realized “Hey, I’m 37, if not now…when?  I’m not getting any younger.  Am I going to let this dream just disappear forever?” 

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #23) – I Can Handle the Truth

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If you listen to Diva Dirt LIVE, you know that I get fired almost every week.  I really do try my best but inevitably I screw something up – either by calling someone the wrong name, or messing up the switchboard, or making some lame joke that not even my co-hosts will sell.  Whatever the reason I always find myself on shaky ground, which stinks because I really do love hosting the show.  Interacting with the callers and special guests is a lot of fun and if I can learn something about the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” along the way, all the better!  Fortunately for me Melanie usually has a change of heart during the week and lets me keep my job, so basically I’m working on a series of 1-week contracts (although what Melanie doesn’t know is that I’m kind of like a stray cat…feed me once and I’m hard to get rid of.)  So I never know how long this gig will last, but Diva Dirt LIVE has been on the air since June 2010 and I’m extremely proud of that.

Now, if there ever WAS a reason for Melanie to fire me it was during this past Royal Rumble in Boston (and no, I’m not talking about the plaid shirt I wore.)  I admit, I dropped the ball…big time.  See the WWE sold t-shirts at the event that advertised the Divas Championship as a fatal 4-way match, which is fine except no one was supposed to know that before the “anonymous general manager” changed the match at the last minute.  As Natalya was all set to defend her Divas title vs. Lay-Cool in a handicap match, Michael Cole received an email essentially adding a fourth competitor.

Of course I would have already known that had I just read the back of my son’s t-shirt.  UGH!

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Glam Slam Mailbag #5 + Glam Slam Reader Profile

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Hello everyone!  I hope your 2011 is off to a flying start.  I’m excited for the year ahead and the Glam Slam mailbag is one of the main reasons.  I really enjoy answering your questions, plus I think the Reader Redux is another cool way for you to voice your opinions.  It’s catching on.  Look for two more great essays in this mailbag!

Once again, thanks to all of you who submitted questions!

Reader: Ohiofan5

“What are you New Year’s Eve traditions and what are your resolutions for [this] year?”

Mr. G – Man, New Year’s Eve is a LOT different now that we have kids.  In the old days my wife and I used to love going out to parties and visiting with friends.  Now we put the kids to bed, open up some champagne, and watch the network count-down shows.  Usually one of us doesn’t even stay awake long enough to see the ball drop!  I know, I know…we live like rock stars.  As for resolutions, I normally don’t make any because I try to make positive changes every day.  But this year I did make two – drink more water and get more sleep – because, let’s face it, these bags under my eyes really aren’t attractive.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #22) – The Divas Started the Fire (New Song)

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2010, what a year.  Talk about highs and lows!  In April all of us Beth Phoenix fans celebrated her championship victory at Extreme Rules only to have the Glamazon injure her knee several weeks later, in effect ending her title reign.  When Beth officially lost the belt to Layla (and Michelle) it felt like a funeral, a cruel twist considering how well Beth’s face turn had been handled and how emotional she seemed when she won.  Then it was announced Beth would be out of action for many, many months.  Basically the rest of the year; it felt like ‘the longest time’.

Top of the mountain to the bottom of the barrel.  Obviously this was terrible for Beth, but it was also terrible for her fans.  Truthfully, I didn’t handle it very well.  My inspiration, my role model, my main reason for watching WWE was going to be out for a long period of time.  How could I even watch “Smackdown” anymore?  How could I even watch WRESTLING anymore?  I could just see myself bored to tears, basically ‘sleeping with the television on’.  I shut down.  I was hoping I could pick myself up and find enjoyment in wrestling again, at least until Beth returned, but I was constantly haunted by the same thought, “What if she didn’t recover?”  Gulp.  It was going to be hard to ‘keep the faith’ and I knew I wasn’t going to get through this alone.  I started spending a lot of time with ‘Captain Jack’ (or Johnny, as I call him). 

My wife is usually very supportive of my wrestling habit but she got tired of me moping around the house every day moaning about bad luck, knee injuries, and co-Women’s champions.  Of course I thought she was completely overreacting.  So what if I wouldn’t take off my Glamasuit…that ‘ain’t no crime’ in my book.  I started resenting her as a way to channel my frustration.  As a result there was a definite ‘storm front’ brewing. 

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #21) – Mark My Words

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I had a poker night a few weeks ago, something I try to do approximately every four months.  The cards are basically the excuse we use to get out of the house for a few hours.  Bring a 6-pack, throw in a $20, and you’re good to go.  We always play “dealer’s choice” which is fun because there are a million different poker games out there – Night Baseball, Chicago, Follow the Queen, Omaha, whatever – so that keeps the table running.

Every now and again we’ll play a game someone hasn’t heard of and we’ll have to stop and explain the rules.  No big deal.  We explain the game, clear up any confusion, and then deal out the cards.  At this last poker night, a buddy of mine pulled me aside and apologized because he didn’t know many of the games.  He just didn’t play cards all that often.  I assured him it wasn’t a problem.  He is a great guy, so what if poker isn’t his thing?  He wanted to join in and I guaranteed him he was more than welcome. 

Nobody gave him a hard time that night.  However if someone would have picked on him I would have asked that person to leave immediately.  See, I’ve been there.  I’ve been the odd man out at the poker table.  The guy who didn’t understand the rules and got roundly, repeatedly, and viciously harassed for it.  That was five years ago and I haven’t forgotten the feeling.  It’s not good.  I wasn’t “smartened” up to all the games so I took a beating for it.  Nobody was going to make someone feel that way in my own house.  You want to play at my table?  There is always a seat open and a cold beer waiting.      

What does this have to do with wrestling?  Well, in my personal opinion, no community is as fractured, judgmental, and condescending as professional wrestling fans.  Of course, that’s just my opinion.  We’re allowed to have those, right?  Right??

Well…maybe not.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Glam Slam Mailbag #4 + Glam Slam Reader Profile

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Happy holidays everybody!  I hope you enjoy my “Hitting the Ropes” Glam Slam holiday mailbag and let’s make 2011 a year to remember! 

Once again, thanks to all of you who submitted questions!

Reader: The_JM

“After seeing the whole season of NXT do you think it was a good thing? Or do you think just a regular debut on Raw or Smackdown would have been fine?”

Mr. G – Overall I enjoyed the Diva’s season of NXT.  As the show progressed I found myself invested in the characters and hoping that several of them would find themselves on the main roster.  We’ve seen from previous seasons you don’t have to “win” the show to get a WWE contract, so I hope we see Kaitlyn, Naomi, and AJ (at least) added to the roster, which would infuse some much needed energy to the Divas division.  I thought Aksana was hilarious although I am not in love with her as a wrestler.  In any case I was happy to see the girls get their own show and I think it was an effective was to present them to the WWE Universe.  It allowed the WWE to “market test” the girls and it appears several of them cultivated a nice fan base, which I think would have been difficult to do had they just been booked straight to Raw or Smackdown.

Now…that being said, there were problems with the show.  The constant berating and belittling from the announcers was way over the top.  Whatever you think about the Divas, these girls are still trying to do their best, and this is still their careers.  I didn’t understand WWE allowing that type of verbal abuse from their own employees.  After a while it became mean-spirited.  Also, switching to WWE.com was disruptive and I’m still disappointed that Isis the Amazon was not allowed on the program.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #20) – The 12 Divas of Christmas

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I have a lot of names on my Christmas list this year.  I have been working for Diva Dirt for close to a year now and it’s time to square up and show my gratitude to the hard working women who get up every day and try to entertain their fans around the world.  To show my appreciation I am going to brave the crowds and pick them out some great gifts.  Let me grab my Neil Diamond Christmas CD and we’ll head to the mall (by the way, has any Jewish artist NOT made a Christmas CD?)

So the Christmas season is here and I have to admit I’m pretty excited.  Not because of the upcoming Slammy Awards (which I do enjoy by the way, though sadly I can’t remember who won the 2008 “Diva of the Year”.)  No, I really look forward to this time of year because now I’m a part of all of this. Santa Claus, the carols, the presents, the tinsel, the tree, the stockings.  Since getting married in 1999 my wife has educated me on the importance of the holiday season, of all the things we need to do to satisfy our Christmas traditions each year.  She grew up with fun Christmas memories and now it is important to her we pass those down to our children.

My wife’s favorite holiday tradition is putting up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving because God forbid we just sit around, relax, watch football, and recover from our huge turkey dinner.  But I don’t really complain.  Like I said, I really am just excited to be a part of all this Christmas stuff.  Growing up Jewish I always felt like I was missing out. If Christmas was just December 25th that would be one thing, but Christmas is obviously an entire season.  As a Jewish boy this was challenging, especially growing up in a community with very little Jewish influence.  Being one of the only Jewish kids in your neighborhood makes you feel like everyone else is having a party…and you’re not invited.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #19) – Kelly Kelly: A Bridge to Nowhere?

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If you normally read my column you know I am full of theories.  I guess it comes from being an engineer, always trying to figure stuff out, always trying to see how things work.  It’s kind of ironic because that is certainly not how I was raised.  My dad couldn’t change a light bulb and just watched TV all day.  My mom was a dancer and was always listening to show tunes (where is the couch Dr. Freud?)  In any event somewhere along the line I got interested in science, eventually majoring in mathematics once I got to college.  When I had to declare a minor I chose Classical Studies, because, you know, “Clash of the Titans” was a cool movie (the original, not the brutal remake).  So, after 4 years of Nintendo, beer, and flag football, I graduated college as a deep thinker filled with numbers and Greek philosophy, perfect for analyzing and writing about women’s professional wrestling.   

I have already shared with you several of my theories, such as my Kate Winslet Theory (Lay-Cool), my Beyonce Theory (Gail Kim) and my Sandra Bullock Theory (the Bella Twins).  Each one more enlightening than the last.  Well it’s time to reach even higher, to break through the intellectual clouds, and to share with you my latest and greatest brainwave.  I hope you’re sitting down… 

I give to you…my “Sarah Palin Theory”!  *clap clap clap* You see, to me it is quite clear that Kelly Kelly is the Sarah Palin of the WWE.   

Now, I could jump right into my analysis and immediately break this down, presenting the facts in an honest effort to convince you my theory is correct.  But as you know by now there has to be a personal back story to all of my articles, so here we go (this is the point most of you stop reading…thanks for coming, don’t forget to tip the waiters…)

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Glam Slam Mailbag #3 + Glam Slam Reader Profile

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It’s time for the third “Hitting the Ropes” Glam Slam mailbag!  Once again, thanks to all of you who submitted questions!

OK, let’s kick things off…

Reader: Billy James

“Do you think that Mickie James will cement her place in Women’s Wrestling History as one of the greatest female wrestlers of all time plus silence her critics when Mickie wins the TNA Knockout championship and becomes the 1st Triple Crown Women’s champion?  Also when do you see Mickie winning the Knockouts title?”

Mr. G – As a 5-time Women’s Champion as well as a Divas Champion, there is no denying the impact and accomplishments of Mickie James in the WWE.  She was a very valuable piece of the Divas division and was involved in some great storylines (Trish’s stalker, obviously, but I also liked her matches with Beth and her recent work with Lay-Cool).  But I am not sold on Mickie as one of the greatest of all time.  If you are going strictly on number of championships, then that is indisputable.  But in professional wrestling we know championships don’t necessarily equal career success (for example, Jake Roberts never won a WWE title but few people were bigger stars at the time.)  I think Mickie is an above-average wrestler who is just mediocre on the microphone, and I only love her matches when she is paired with a dynamic opponent.  Mickie may win the TNA Knockout’s title in the next few weeks but I still wouldn’t put her in the same category as the true legends of women’s wrestling.  (Sorry Billy…)

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #18) – These Wrestling Boots Are Made For Walking

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I know Mickie James and Kat Waters didn’t actually have to pack their suitcases or rent U-Hauls.  They didn’t have to get new driver’s licenses or schedule service appointments with DirecTV.  But none the less each girl just went through a very big move.  Since leaving the WWE in the spring of 2010 both girls have signed deals with Total Nonstop Action wrestling, effectively packing up one stage of their respective careers and moving to totally new surroundings. 

Fortunately Mickie and Kat are going to be just fine.  Both are working for a high-profile company that will showcase them on television and keep them in the spotlight.  The paychecks might not be as big, but money isn’t everything.  Each should feel somewhat fortunate because professional wrestling is brutally competitive, with many athletes vying for precious few spots on a roster.  At the end of the day wrestlers better love what they do because the odds of hitting the big time are daunting.  And if they do get a break, they have to work extremely hard to keep their spot.  Mickie and “Winter”, as Kat is now called, are two of the survivors.  

I give each girl a tremendous amount of credit.  Admittedly I’m not a wrestling insider, but I am familiar with some of the stress and anxiety associated with this type of transition.  I’ve seen it first-hand.   

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #17) – SHIMMER Cappuccino

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Hey, I make no apologies, I’m a WWE guy.  I know the WWE is no different than McDonald’s, Wal-Mart, and Starbucks, a huge, publicly traded company that is first and foremost concerned with profitability and market share.  It’s a wildly successful business run by a man whose sole objective is to make money.  The actual wrestling is secondary, really just a vehicle to showcase the individual Superstars, who in turn grab the attention of fans eager to buy the t-shirts, action figures, and Glamasuits that keep the money rolling in.  And as long as the WWE is making money, Vince is going to stick with what works no matter how much some fans wish he would revamp certain aspects of his product (like booking the Divas strong on TV).  Starbucks may burn their coffee, but they sell a boatload of it every day.  I may grumble about the quality, and I may grumble about the price, but there I am every day ordering a white chocolate mocha from the barista (no, not Batista…although if this MMA thing doesn’t work out, you never know…) 

A little known fact about me: I can’t function in the morning without a monster cup of coffee.  I’m not one of those people that bounce out of bed when I wake up.  I’m grouchy and irritable.  My back hurts, my feet hurt, my knees hurt.  I stumble around like Ric Flair after an all-night bender.   Truthfully, my wife’s not much better, but since she gets up with the kids she already has a pot of coffee brewing by the time I stagger into the kitchen (God bless her, it’s the little things that keep love alive).  I don’t even say hi to my family until I’m one cup down.  Once I get that first cup in me, though, I start to get excited for the day ahead and I’m a pretty easy guy to be around.  But before that? 

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Glam Slam Mailbag #2 + First Glam Slam Reader Profile

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It’s time for the second “Hitting the Ropes” Glam Slam mailbag!  I enjoyed writing the first one so much I thought I would make this a regular feature.  Thanks to all of you who submitted questions!

OK, let’s jump right in… 

Reader: madslam2009
“Who is your favorite TNA Knockout and what do you like about her?”

Mr. G – I really like the Beautiful People because I have always liked tag teams more than individual wrestlers (Fabulous Firebirds notwithstanding…) I like how they generate a lot of controversy and stay prominently involved in TNA’s storylines.  I admit they are not the most technical wrestlers in the world but that has never been my #1 concern.  I gravitate towards performers that I find “interesting”, and there really haven’t been many great female tag teams (although I would definitely put LayCool at the top of any short list).  I like that there have been several iterations of the Beautiful People, and I think they look great together, cut decent promos, and can carry themselves as faces or  heels.  My problem with TNA is the lack of interesting opponents for them to wrestler (I am not a big Tara fan) so I would welcome a feud with Mickie James upon her arrival to TNA. 

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #16) – All Dressed Up

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Like a lot of readers on this site I am in love with a pretty brunette from Los Angeles.  No, no, no…it’s not Melina, although I will admit she is pretty sensational.  Great looking, great worker.  But c’mon, she defeated my beloved Glamazon at the 2009 Royal Rumble and stole her Women’s Championship.  An egregious crime that I may never get over.  Not only do I look more and more like an elephant as I get older, I have a memory like one too.  Sorry Melina…it still hurts.

No, this particular brunette has been a part of my life for 23 years now, and to this day she still gives me butterflies and makes me feel light-headed.  It all started back in the summer of 1987 when I was attending basketball camp at Franklin & Marshall College.  At the end of the week my parents took me to the school bookstore so I could get a t-shirt or pair of shorts.  As I was making my way back to the clothing section I passed the magazine rack and…BAM…something hit me right between the eyes.  I felt like I had been hit by a bulldozer.  Staring back at me was the most picturesque, beautiful woman I had ever seen.  There she was, like an angel, on the cover of that month’s SPIN magazine – Susanna Hoffs of the Bangles.  I’m not sure I believe in love at first site…but that was definitely the first time I felt incredibly attracted to a woman.  I didn’t know a lot about the Bangles in general, but I knew I would soon be finding out much, much more.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #15) – Miss Elizabeth Tribute

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Recently I was having a bad day at work so I needed something to lift my spirits.  When I got home the family was out on a play date, so I went downstairs, threw on my blue Glamasuit, and watched a replay of Extreme Rules 2010.  As always, Beth’s title victory did the trick.  I perked right back up.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think back to April 25, 2010, Baltimore, MD, when my beloved Glamazon pinned Michelle McCool to capture the WWE women’s championship.   I have such great memories of that night.  Sitting in the front row.  Cheering like a little kid.  Jumping around as the ref counted three.  I’ve watched the match 12,809 times and I enjoy it every time.  To me the match is perfect.  (I’d say it was “flawless” but, you know, I don’t want to have to pay royalties…).

But I finally admitted something to myself the other night.  As much as I treasure the match, it wasn’t “perfect”.  I have been so in love with the result that I overlooked 2 aspects of the match that sadly affect its historical impact.  First of all, the match was booked as an “Extreme Makeover” match.  WTF?!?  Were the rules ever fully explained?  Two premier workers shouldn’t decide the women’s title by using ironing boards and make-up tables.  Too “gimmicky”.  Secondly, the match was on the Extreme Rules PPV, a show people will ultimately forget (seriously, name 3 matches without heading to Wikipedia).  This wasn’t exactly WrestleMania.  So even though I was overwhelmed with joy and excitement that night, I have to finally admit the match wasn’t perfect.

Which got me thinking…

Has there ever been a perfect match?

Obviously this is a very subjective topic.  I think it would be very, very hard to get two people to agree on the definition of “perfection”.  So how would I define the “perfect match”?  Glad you asked…

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Glam Slam Mailbag #1

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Welcome to the first “Hitting the Ropes” Glam Slam mailbag!  I enjoy writing my normal column but I thought it would be exciting to mix things up a little bit.  I’m not exactly sure where I want to go with this, but at the very least it is a chance to interact with you, the readers, and to discuss some new topics and issues.  Of course we’ll still talk about women’s wrestling but I thought I would open up Pandora’s Box and see what else is on your collective minds.  Maybe along the way we’ll learn something about each other and…God forbid…even have a little fun.  (I know, I know, I sound like such a mark.)  So, I hope you enjoy the Glam Slam mailbag, a mixture of serious, humorous, and thoughtful responses to your questions and comments.  Plus a few wrinkles thrown in for good measure…        

Some Glam Slam ground rules: No topic is off limits.  You want to comment on movies, TV, music, sports, politics, etc, go ahead and drop me a note.  If there something specific you want to ask me about the Divas, Knockouts, etc., please don’t be shy.  I will try to include all of your comments and questions unless they are rude or vulgar.  Can’t have that.  Also, if I don’t have an interesting response or I just don’t know what the hell you are talking about, I will either 1) reach out for help from my fellow Diva Dirt writers or 2) make up an answer.  I hope nobody takes this too seriously.  I have already received a bunch of good questions and I appreciate that.  Fortunately I won’t have to make up questions to fill out this column.

So let’s get started! 

Reader: BPhoenix1933
“Who do you think is the prettiest Diva in the WWE?  And do you have plans Saturday night?”

Mr. G. – ok, ok, just seeing if you’re paying attention….

Here we go for real…. 

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #14

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 “CHANGE” 

That was the title of the email.  Short, simple, just one word.  Uh oh.  I just knew this wasn’t going to be good.  Like when the phone rings too late at night and you don’t want to answer it because you know it’s never good news.  My heart started beating really, really fast.  “Oh dear God I’m afraid to open it,” I thought to myself.  I stared at the screen for 5 solid minutes.  Finally I clicked the email message and read the bad news from the casting agency.

“I’m sorry to say the client has decided to only use the girl.  I know you’re disappointed.  I’ll try to make it up to you.”  

The client?  World Wrestling Entertainment. 

Another few moments passed.  I really don’t know how long I sat there staring at my computer screen, honestly.  I took a deep breath, walked upstairs and told my wife, “Well, you’ll never believe it.  They’re not using me tomorrow.”  She could see the disappointment in my face.  Nothing “life or death”, but real disappointment.  She felt badly for me, she tried to lift my spirits, but I was pretty down in the dumps.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #13

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Diva Dirt’s own Jennifer recently shared a great story:

In an interview I had a few weeks ago, we were asked, ‘If money was no question, and if you didn’t have to work for your livelihood, what would you do?’ My hand shot up. I was honest; I said, ‘I’d wrestle.’ The whole room erupted into laughter. The interviewer said, ‘Really?’ I said, ‘Yeah, I would love to wrestle.’ She thought I was the most interesting person in that interview, hah. I make no apologies – I’ll admit I’m a wrestling fan and if the conversation goes farther I admit my real passion is for women’s wrestling. If folks aren’t mature enough to handle that, then sucks for them. They don’t know what they’re missing.

 
I love this story for several reasons.  First of all, I love people’s passions.  I don’t care if you love the Civil War, collecting bottle caps, or writing poetry.  I am interested in hearing more about it.  I like seeing someone’s eyes light up when they talk about something they care about.  I love how Jennifer didn’t worry about the reaction in the room.  That’s the great thing about believing in something, about having a true passion.  You feel it inside of you and that’s all that matters.  I also love this story because it made me think, “Jesh, how would I truly answer that question?”  What would I truly love to do with my life?  

Well for starters, I know I wasn’t born to be a project manager.  The job is fine, I work with nice people, and I enjoy business travel, but I don’t jump out of bed every day and mark out because I get to generate project plans.  When I was a kid I saw the movie JAWS and wanted to be a marine biologist, but now I’m afraid of the ocean.  Plus I don’t really want to be in a small boat all the time…I like my TiVo too much.  So I’m glad I didn’t follow through with that.  The truth is that I’ve always kind of known what I wanted to be when I “grew up”.  I was born to be a booker.  I was born to script professional wrestling.  I never figured out how to pursue this dream, but I started to feel this way the night I saw my first match, October 1985 at the Hershey Park Arena.  The next thing I know I am buying my first Big John Studd action figure and I’ve been booking ever since.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the actual matches, but I have always been more interested in putting together the card, of building the excitement of an entire show from one match to the next.  I think I’m pretty good at it too, because ever since 1985 I have been putting asses in seats.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #12

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I don’t get out much anymore.  Balancing a job, a mortgage, a wife, and 2 kids doesn’t leave a lot of time for other interests.  We try to see friends and family as much as possible but it’s difficult to get everybody’s schedules to match up.  I try to do a little acting here and there, just to keep the creative juices flowing.  I contribute to Diva Dirt for the same reasons.  It’s all good and I’m certainly not complaining, but life is sure different than when my wife and I met in college.  Back then our most important decision was “Bud or Bud Light?”  Now we worry about things like parent-teacher conferences and soccer practice (By the way I’m officially a soccer mom now…who needs orange wedges?  Off to McDonald’s!)  It’s not like we were the Rolling Stones once upon a time, but my wife and I used to love hitting the DC clubs and staying out a little too late.  We used to have 2 or 3 house parties each year that wouldn’t wrap up until the sun was shining.  Good times.  Now a wild night for us is staying awake until they announce American Idol results.  So when my friend Patrick invited us to his summer party a few weeks ago, we reacted like lions at Morton’s Steakhouse.  “We’re going….OUT?”

If only it were that simple.  Should we both go?  Should I go?  Should she go?  Are kids invited?  Do we bring the kids even if they are?  Do we drive?  Should we get a taxi service?  Should we spend the night?  All things to consider.  It’s not that we never go out just the two of us, but it better be for a damn good reason.  Once you start getting babysitters involved the complexity of the evening triples, as does the cost.  So normally we’ll all go somewhere, or one of us goes out while the other stays home and keeps the family train on track.  The question though is “Which one of us gets to go?”  I know, romantic right?  (I’m happy to say the honeymoon is never over around here.)  Here’s where we bring in our legal teams.

Attorney 1:  “Well, David, your wife feels she should go because you went out 3 weeks ago for 45 minutes.”
Attorney 2:  “Objection!  That was to pick up flowers for his mother-in-law!”
Judge:  “Overruled!”
Me:  “Crap.”

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #11

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I told my wife last week that “I think we should rename our daughter “Gail” because all she likes to do is Eat D’Feet!  Well, either she didn’t like the joke or she didn’t understand it, because she just looked at me with a blank stare.  It was the same look I get when I forget to take out the trash or pick up milk.  A look that conveys general confusion at the choices she’s made in her life (I’m also starting to believe the laws of Virginia prevent her from laughing at anything I say.)  But, personally, I love this joke.  I loved this joke last week and I still love it today.  I’ll love it even more next week.

I guess I should have expected that response from her.  She’s not really a wrestling fan so why did I waste my best material at home?  I tweeted the joke.  No response.  No “re-tweets” or “direct messages” (how geeky does that sound Michael Cole?!)   I’m pretty sure that stupid whale crashed Twitter that day.  That must be it, because I’m sure SOMEBODY would have thought that joke was funny!

You get it right?  (I hate when I have to explain a joke, but here goes.)  My daughter is 5 months old.  Her middle name is Phoenix.   We call her the Baby Glamazon.  She doesn’t play with rattles she plays with dumbbells.  She prefers a tiara to a bib.   Perfect.  But now she spends all day throwing her legs in the air and sticking her feet right in her mouth (seriously, I can’t wait for the teenage years.)  All day long she likes to “eat d’feet”!  You know, which sounds like Gail’s finisher.  So…um… maybe we should rename her “Gail”.  (Groan).

I continued to think everybody else was crazy.  How could nobody like this joke!?  I’m pretty convinced I know what’s funny.  I actually think I have a very sophisticated sense of humor.  If I’m laughing, you should be laughing.  (No ego problems here!)  But then it hit me.  Some might not think that joke is funny because it refers to Gail’s finisher, which has the stupidest, dumbest, goofiest, most ridiculous name in wrestling history!  Of course the joke isn’t funny in the same way jokes about the Hindenburg and the Titanic aren’t funny.  What a disaster!

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #10

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Natalya and I have something very unusual in common – we were both raised in a dungeon.  The impact of this can’t be overstated and it obviously impacted our passageway to adulthood.  As a member of the legendary Hart Family, Natalya was raised in Stu Hart’s dungeon.  As a kid growing up in York, PA, I was raised in my dad’s living room.    Both featured a lot of screaming and foul language.  Both featured a lot of stretching.  Both were probably not the cleanest places in the world.   And in the end, both were places we were happy to escape from.  Natalya graduated to the next phase of her career as a professional wrestler, and I graduated high school.  These stories are so similar there are times I think I am actually an honorary Hart brother (and I have been known to wear pink…just not in my hair.)  Natalya and I were both finally free to pursue our dreams.

Why was my dad’s living room similar to a dungeon?  Well, when I started falling in love with pro wrestling, I had to beg, and plead, and beg, and plead, and beg some more for my parents to take me to nearby Hershey Park Arena to see the touring WWF shows.  Neither parent was thrilled that I was starting to love wrestling (that “fake stuff” as they called it) which was probably because I was ripping off my t-shirts and calling everybody “brother” (you can’t deny Hulk Hogan’s impact on a generation of kids).  But my dad was even less thrilled because I wanted to watch the WWF on TV each week… and our one TV was his.  It wasn’t for the family.  It wasn’t for the parents.  His.  His TV.  I can’t stress that enough.  I had to beg him to watch ‘Wrestling Challenge’ and ‘Prime Time Wrestling’ each week.  Thank God he was asleep by the time Saturday Night’s Main Event came on the air.  I felt trapped because I could feel something inside of me changing… I was becoming a huge wrestling fan and I wanted to jump in with both feet.

I remember the day when my dad reluctantly bought our first VCR.  He looked at that thing like it contained plutonium that would blow up the house if we used it.  He reluctantly agreed to buy it because my mom is a dancer and she wanted to watch some dance videos.  I was a brainy kid so I tried to learn how to program it to tape my WWF shows (remember when programming a VCR took 43 steps?) and Lord have mercy if I screwed up and accidentally changed his channel by accident.  “Time to learn the ankle lock, kid!”  AHHHHH.  (PS – I’m not a psychology major, but Freud would probably find a correlation between this story and the fact that I now own two giant TiVos, one for my family and one just for me.  No one is telling me what I can tape now!)

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #9

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EXCUSE ME!  I said EXCUSE ME!!  It’s time for some “Real Talk”!  This week I am turning in my tiara for a full-zip custom hoodie…and I gotta admit, I’m pretty fired up.  I’ve wanted to write about Lay-Cool for a while now but I keep getting distracted.  First by Beth’s knee injury.  Then by my sudden fascination with the Bellas.  Then by my favorite French Canadian Maryse (I’m proud of that column by the way.  It only took me 2,300 words to prove that Maryse is “hot”.  I know, impressive.)  But no more.  Now is the time.  Now is the time for me to write about one of my favorite tag teams ever.   Honestly, I haven’t enjoyed a tag team, male or female, this much since the Hart Foundation broke out the pink and black almost 25 years ago.  (Seriously…go back and watch WrestleMania 3 and tell me if you ever saw a cooler tag team.)

First off, let’s get this out of the way – some of you might not think Layla and Michelle are officially a “tag team” because the WWE doesn’t have an official women’s tag team division.  Well, I think you’re wrong.  I think Lay-Cool can be classified as a traditional tag team because they meet the required criteria, as defined by yours truly…and in this case I am the judge, the jury, and the executioner (no, not THE Executioner who lost to Tito Santana in the first WrestleMania.)  Trivia time: What big name grappler played the Executioner that night?  Did you know it was that Executioner’s only WWF appearance (and it happened at WM?!? WTF?!?).  It also led to one of my all-time favorite Gorilla Monsoon lines: “I don’t know much about this particular Executioner.”  There were others he DID know a lot about???  God I loved the Gorilla.  My favorite Monsoon expression ever?  Every time Nikolai Volkoff would wrestle Gorilla would say “the Big Russian doesn’t have a clue how strong he is”, usually right before Volkoff got pinned.  Killed me every time.  In Gorilla’s honor I have a framed Volkoff signature in my basement and I know all the words to the Soviet National Anthem.  “Mr. Glamazon requests that you all rise and respect his singing of the Soviet…National…Anthem.”  Boooo!  USA! USA! USA!  I would make a great heel.

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #8

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I switched the topic of this week’s column at the last minute.    I was all set to write about Michelle and Layla and the “Rise of LayCool”.  I had completed the outline and had my hoodies all picked out.  But something has been nagging at me for a few days…

In my last column I broke one of my own rules.  Truthfully, this has been bugging me ever since I posted it last week.  I promised myself when I started writing this column that I would try to be informative, insightful, and funny, all within certain boundaries.  I would not go for the cheap laugh at somebody else’s expense unless there was some validity to what I wrote.   At first I thought the joke was funny.  The more I kept reading my column the more I began to wonder if the joke was as clever as I originally thought.  After reading my column for the 457th time (hey, somebody has to read it!), I really started to sour on it because I realized I may have just gone for the cheap laugh.  I am a little disappointed in myself because I know better.  There is really nothing funny about hitting below the belt.  I’m also not a fan of obvious humor (think Tiger Woods jokes, Monica Lewinsky jokes, etc.)  Anyway, I spent a lot of time reflecting on this specific joke and decided that I needed to either 1) defend it or 2) apologize for it.

Before I do, however, I want to be very clear about how I define “smart humor” and “cheap humor”.  My boy Mike Knox is actually the perfect person to use for this example.  Here is something I think is funny:  During his last few months in the WWE, the announcers would make a big deal about how Knox studied “kinesiology” and knew all kinds of special ways to hurt people and inflict pain.  Personally I think he should have spent more time studying “how to win matches” because he didn’t do that very often.  (Insert laugh track)  Now that to me is funny, and it is also fair game based on the silly commentary and poor character development.  (Note – If you didn’t find this joke amusing, I’m probably not headlining Second City any time soon.)

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Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #7

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Thanks to several readers I have decided to join a Beth Phoenix self-help group.   I didn’t realize I needed professional help, but after reading some of the comments from my last column, my eyes have been opened a bit.  For example, Agent E suggested I was suffering from “too much Glamazon love” and even called me creepy!  Jennifer L134 suggested I check out AA.  Ouch!  Who knew I had this problem?  Who knew these types of problems even existed?  I mean, I save every Beth match on DVD, I call my daughter the Glamazon, and I back flip into my office cube every morning, but is this an actual medical problem?  That’s preposterous…ummm…right?

Maybe, maybe not.  But the comments of some readers pointed out to me (albeit in a playful way) I should examine this a little closer.  Truthfully, I have probably been in denial for quite some time.  For starters, I guess I shouldn’t check every day to see if Smackdown is coming to DC so I can pre-order tickets.  And I guess I shouldn’t walk around with a women’s title belt raised above my head.  (I could go on and on, but in the interest of time, I’ll stop there.)  So I thank the readers for helping push me forward.  In some ways I’m starting to feel like I belong in the Straight Edge Society because my eyes have now been opened.  Actually, I thought about cutting my hair, buying a Punk T-shirt, and going completely “straight edge”…but then I realized something.  I could give up drinking.  I don’t smoke or use “prescription medication” (God Punk is a great promo).  But I can’t be “straight edge” for one very big reason – I am much, much, much too vain.  Nobody is shaving or cutting anything on this money maker.  The hair…it stays. 

Side note – I always have my hair cut by a hot chick.  Just a quirk of mine.  I find a beautiful hairstylist and I stay with her.  It is a deep and meaningful relationship is some ways.  There’s lots of chit-chat, lots of head rubbing, and I always leave happy.  The only difference between her and my wife is the money exchanged.  (Joke alert!  Thank you, thank you….I’ll be here all week.)  First there was Tina.  She got me through high school and college.  God I miss Tina.  Then I moved to DC and was in a tailspin for about 12 months, bouncing from one barber to another.  I hit all the ones in Northern VA looking for my new girl.  I thought I found the right one…Brenda…but then she tried to set me up with her sister.  That went horrible wrong, mainly b/c there was little family resemblance…if you know what I mean.  Plus her sister’s name was Wanda…that didn’t work for me.  It was my one and only blind date.  And yes I can be that shallow.  Cut me a break, I was 24. 

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