Wednesday, June 12, 2024

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Impact Write-Up (July 21st, 2011): An Unfortunate Series of Insane Events

So I’m going to have to change this introductory paragraph completely, due to ignorant unforeseen circumstances. Why is this write-up so damn late? I’ll tell you. Due to my work schedule, I will start the write-up on Friday afternoon when I get home and then finish it early Saturday morning. Unless, of course, it is insanely short then yeah. Well, for about twelve hours yesterday, which was Saturday, I had absolutely no internet or cable. My cable company decided they wanted to basically turn off the city’s continued form of entertainment on the hottest day ever. We attempted to call a few times, waiting at most over half an hour and still never got through. Finally, it came back on around six last night. THEN, and it gets better, when I finally finish the write-up and go to save, my program completely freezes and I lose it. So yeah, I gave up last night. I said to hell with it and just gave up. So this is why it is late. It isn’t my fault for the most part and I apologize for those that actually waited for it. Here it is now, in all its not-so-amazing glory.

Things start off with the Knockouts Champion, Mickie James making her way to the ring. We hear she has a match later on in the evening with Velvet Sky and by the looks of things, Mickie has a few words for her opponent. She’s looking like a rockstar, in her shades and heels. Not bad, Micks.

In the ring, Mickie invites Velvet out in an ever so polite manner. Velvet, being ever so eager, obliges the request and the champion looks like she almost has to force a smile. Hmmm. Anyway, that tremendous theme song hits and Velvet pounces out with a giant grin on her face. She says something about bitches but given the angle, I didn’t catch it. Either way, she makes her way down to the ring and even LETS THE PIGEONS LOOSE! And Mickie gives her a smile, telling her it was quite the entrance. I’m starting to wonder if this is going to be some big lovefest between the two and by the way Mickie starts things off, I might be right.

She tells Velvet that she’s watched her the past few months and watched people take out their frustrations on her, time and time again. Such a somber moment but truly, get to the point. Mickie eventually tells her that she is honored and privileged to give Velvet her first Knockouts Championship match….and they hug. And it’s not because she bent over and kissed anybody’s ass, that’s for sure. She earned it and deserves it. Mickie says that when she does put her title on the line, they are going to blow the roof off the Impact Zone, showing all the people watching around the world why they are the best. But now things are going to get serious. Mickie says that when she walks out there, she’s going to be Knockouts Champion and when she walks out, she intends to be the same. Fair enough? Good talk. Handshake. Arm raise. Show of sportsmanship.

But the madness isn’t over because that creepy music box theme plays and oh boy, here they come. Winter and her trash talking zombie, Angelina Love. She starts off by reminding the ladies that the reason they all came to Impact Wrestling was for competition, because they are competitors. And judging from what she sees, rather than wrestling, Mickie and Velvet just need to hold hands and get a hotel room. My first guess was ice cream, but I guess it could come after. Maybe later. All kidding aside, Angelina feels yet again that she needs to justify that she understands what Winter has been trying to show her. As a 5-time Knockouts Champion, she realizes there is a familiar trait amongst the Knockouts and that is total disrespect for her. She has proven herself to be the best but never been given her dues. Why not, Angelina? Jealousy. Them bitches just be jealous, honey. Ahem.

Angelina rambles on, stating she is on a level all her own and Velvet, with the snap, laughs her ass off. Ange doesn’t let it phase her and tells them to continue to put each other over to the moon, then go bark at it? Ow ow ow! This is not a Twilight movie. There are no werewolves here. Either way, it does not matter who wins the match tonight because eventually, that Knockouts Championship will come straight back to Angelina Love. Now it’s Winter’s turn. Oh lard. She says that they work as a team, a real team and that bond is forever. It doesn’t make a blind bit of difference whether Winter has to beat Velvet the Blow-Up Doll or Mickie the Hardcore Nothing Mouse at Hardcore Justice, it is going to belong to them. Are they going to share it? Haven’t we seen this somewhere before? I’m getting a sense of deja vu. I don’t know but apparently night is about to fall even though it’s already dark outside.

Backstage, Tara is walking the back with Miss Tessmacher and it looks like they’re ready for a match. But from behind come the team of Sarita and Rosita, the Knockouts Tag Team Champions who will be defending their titles against Taramacher. They start in with boots and it leads back to the trash cans with shit flying everywhere. Even through a commercial break and it looks like the girls of Mexican America might have the uppperhand, until Tessmacher shows her tenacity and Tara gets a stiff shot in on Rosita. Then, like a bat out of hell, Madison Rayne shows up out of nowhere and just starts clobbering Tara. I’m guessing it’s a full moon because these women have officially lost their damn minds. Cut the camera off.

Apparently last week, after Impact, Rosarita and Taramacher exchanged words in the parking lot and someone caught it on their cellphone. This is the reason why Sarita has to wear a hideous face mask, due to suffering a broken jaw and orbital socket. Well, at least it matches her outfit. Regardless, there is a match tonight and out first is the team of Taramacher, to Tara’s music. There are no crotch rockets or gimmick entrances tonight. They’re all business and step off to the sides of the stage. Something tells me they’re thinking in a devious manner. Crouched down and ready to pounce, when Rosarita make their way to the stage, they’re jumped from behind. Oh retribution. A brawl ensues and Tessmacher wastes no time slamming Sarita’s face against the ramp. Multiple times. What part of “protective face mask”, don’t you understand?

Meanwhile, Tara is working on Rosita and they are the first to hit the ring. The official calls for the bell and this match is underway. Tara starts talking trash but gets dropped with a jawbreaker and then it gets messy. Sarita and Tess are back in and they’re just everywhere but Rosarita double team it, kicking Tara out to the floor. But as soon as they turn around, Tessmacher hits them with a double clothesline. But the referee gains some control, leaving Rosita and Tessmacher in the ring. That is, until she tags in Sarita, the ground and pound ensuing. They bounce back and forth between each other, punishing Tess for what she did to Sarita’s face. Even when Tara tries to get back in the ring, Sarita cuts her off with a sliding dropkick back to the outside. Damn.

Finally, Tessmacher starts to fight back and eventually grounds Rosita, trying to go for a tag. Tara has somehow managed back up on the apron but as soon as she gains footing, Sarita knocks her back down. This causes her to just snap and she’s back in the ring, pounding across the mat and grasping for Sarita’s face. Hebner argues with Tara, who screams at him to watch her but all Tara can do is crouch on the outside. Tessmacher is back in the corner and the tag, Sarita is back in and a double team faceplant to Tess. They’re trying to mangle her face and Sarita opts out of the potential three count to do so. Can you blame her? If someone messed up my face, I’d wanna do the same to theirs. Just saying.

Regardless, Tara has decided she is taking control and does just that. She takes out Rosarita and drags her partner back to their corner, steps outside the ropes and tags herself in. Hard left hands to both of the Loco Latinas and Tara sets Sarita up for the Widow’s Peak. Rosita is too busy with Tessmacher in the corner to stop it. However, Madison wasn’t doing anything but hanging out backstage and decides to have a little fun. She runs the ring and slams into Tara, giving Sarita the chance to roll-up. But Earl Hebner is old in his stripe wearing days and is a little slow on the count. Tara kicks out and brawling ensues yet again. There’s even a point where Sarita attempts to throw the Macher into the Tara but the veteran moves. Tess slams right into Rosita and the momentum has shifted.

A step-up bulldog on Sarita from Tessmacher, a spin around slam and a TaraBomb with a double pin?!? I do believe that leaves us with a tremendous 3-count pin victory. We have new Knockouts Tag Team Champions in Taramacher and they’re celebrating like they won the World Cup. Oh my.

And now it is time for the Knockouts main event. To the ring first is the champion, Mickie James in all her country bumpkin glory. But that glory is short lived when Winterina run down, starting the early beatdown. However, the 2-on-1 game doesn’t last long because Velvet is back down, helping her opponent take the two out. Mickie is on Winter and Velvet is on Angelina, who can suddenly feel pain again. Into the ring they go, with a thesz press from Mickie and a spear takedown from Velvet. They’re on opposite sides of the ring, backs turned and out of the crowd comes a sneaky set of old biddies. ODB and Jacqueline, who again have never officially returned to the roster, slide into the ring and immediately take out Mickie. And then the stomping starts on Velvet. Really??

Winterina step outside and slowly walk away, leaving Velvet to fend for herself, admiring the handywork. Mickie tries to come back but ODB sends her flying back to the outside. The old biddies aren’t even supposed to be on Impact, given the stipulation of the match they had two weeks prior but they don’t exactly come off as honest. It seems like this is going to be another ever so typical beatdown on Velvet but every cloud has a silver lining. Traci Brooks is that silver lining. TRACI BROOKS?!? IT’S TRACI BROOKS! She runs down to the ring and stands face to face with ODB and Jackie, basically daring them to keep it up. But Jackie is the first to back down and urges her partner-in-crime to do the same, especially when Mickie comes back in to even the odds. All I have to say is YES! That is what I’m talking about!

But it isn’t over because when ODB and Jackie try to run off, Velvet is back on them and there is just a giant estrogen fest going on. Knockouts are flying everywhere and for some reason, that random ass referee won’t let Traci go. She’s the ORIGINAL Knockout. I realize you’re trying to keep order but let the bitches fight! Your security team can’t handle them because Jackie won’t think twice about popping a dude in the mouth. As far as ODB, well, that just goes without saying. DAMN! Out of nowhere, Jackie sends a security guard careening into the steel steps and it echoes through the arena like firecrackers. The referees in the ring have their hands full because Traci, Mickie and Velvet are just dying to get their hands on them. It’s like a bad bar brawl that just keeps coming.

Crotch shots, sneakers and police officers! SOMEONE CALLED DA PO-PO! ORLANDO’S FINEST! JACKIE AIN’T AFRAID OF NO PO-PO! She fights against them, running off at the mouth. But for some reason, ODB starts breaking down in tears. So much for that badass persona, huh? The truth comes out when the police show up. And it doesn’t look like we’re going to get that Knockouts Championship match after all. However, I am thoroughly entertained so how about it?

Thoughts: Traci is what I’ve been waiting for! Where were you weeks ago? I’m glad you showed your face but damn, could have made it sooner. Haha. Regardless, it’s nice to see that old familiar face in a time of need. Major amount of Knockouts action this week. They were scattered all over the place and there wasn’t a bit of order but hey, they’re the Knockouts. They go balls to the wall and don’t think twice about it. And hey, we have new Knockouts Tag Team Champions. There is something to celebrate. Again, sorry that it’s so late this week. All the BS I’ve had to deal with has just put me behind. I’m wondering what will happen next week, in both my life and with the Knockouts but I guess we’ll find out then so until that time, my lovies! xoxo

What did you guys think about this week’s Impact? Tell me about it!

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