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Impact Write-Up (June 23rd, 2011): Seven Lashes for the Mistress

Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages… well, I think it best if we go 13 and up on this one… It is time again for another edition of the weekly attribute to Diva Dirt known as the Impact Write-Up. I am your lovely Impact Wrestling correspondent and you know you’re in for one hell of a ride. Now, last week, we saw the return of a prestigious women’s wrestler, who had a former run in TNA back in the day. We also saw some new colors on one of the bodacious Knockouts, just as we all requested. Not to mention, those left on the shelf in past weeks were finally able to rise from the shadows and display their awesomeness. What is in store this week on Impact? Well, I’ll tell you that we’ve got a tag match with camera angles bound to make you nauseous and a street fight of um, supernatural proportions? Not to mention, a glimpse into the future. It’s something you definitely don’t want to miss.

Starting things off on this fine and fiery night are the team of Velvet Sky and Miss Tessmacher! We first saw this duo together as a team last week, when Velvet accidentally cost them the match against the Knockouts Tag Team Champions, Sarita and Rosita. Obviously, they’ve made up after their little disagreement last week and are set to compete here tonight. They’ve somehow managed to coordinate their entrance in their time of aggravation, however, because as soon as Tessmacher sheds her jacket, Velvet…ahem, LETS THE PIGEONS LOOSE!

Yes. I said it.

Velvet aka Gangsta, takes to the microphone and says that after what happens to her last week, she and Tess went to the Impact offices. They petitioned to have themselves a good ole no-holds barred match but since the “old biddies“, as a friend called them, aren’t under contract, the match has to be done “by the books”. But hey, if it means payback and ass whipping, they’re both game. Even Tessmacher, who snatches the microphone, gets a little word in and demands they get their asses to the ring. Sure enough, after a moment’s wait, ODB and Jacqueline start making their way to the ring. And look at that, they match. How sweet. I need a trash can.

ODB immediately starts talking about her fat ass and demands for the ref to ring the bell but Velvet and Tess are ready. They charge the two intruders to the Impact Zone and the brawling begins. It starts on the ramp and soon makes its way over to the ring, battles on the outside. There are constant back and forth shots, Velvet on ODB and Jackie on Tessmacher. Or…well, vice versa. I guess it depends on how you look like it. I see choking and stiff right hands until finally, the camera manages to focus on ODB’s lacy orange bloomers. Yeah. They speak for themselves. Guh, this shit needs to straighten itself out real quick. Haha.

Where’s Judge Judy when you need some order in the court, hmmm?! I think she needs to fire Earl Hebner and take over. But I guess a commercial break will do for now. When we come back, Jackie is in the ring with Miss Tessmacher, showing her how the big girls wrestle. She hits her with a knee and a harsh forearm, basically deflecting any defense. ODB, meanwhile, is calling her a douche and talking about weaves. Jackie tags her in and ODB slaps her around, throwing that whore word around again. Tess tries to come back but as soon as it looks like she might have some kind of momentum, Jackie takes a handful of hair and jerks her back down to the mat. Velvet immediately goes on the defense and makes her way over, taking Jackie down on the outside.

This is not gonna be good for Tessmacher when she’s able to make a tag. She struggles to the other side and Velvet, too busy with Jackie, doesn’t quite make it. Almost looked like she was running in slow motion with that arm out. Slow ass. This gives the old biddies plenty of time to drag Tessmacher back to their corner, slamming her into the turnbuckles. I know that has to hurt. And Jackie makes sure the hurt sticks, not even giving a moment to breathe before she starts to wrench on the neck of Tessmacher. Another tag, before any true hurt can set in….Nevermind. I spoke too soon.

HIT THE LIGHTS! CUE THE EPIC WEDGIE!

Jackie, obviously forgetting for a moment that Tess could escape if she wanted to, grabs the bottoms of the younger girl and just drags her ass back with her. ODB is in, as soon as Tess gets up, and she takes her down with a harsh forearm. And another tag. Just make up your damn minds already! And get Jackie some water, she’s looking parched. Not to mention, she looks at ODB like she’s flippin’ crazy for tagging her back in so quick. I know I’m not the only one who saw that. Nonetheless, she goes right after Tessmacher but this time, she fights back and it sends Jackie back for ANOTHER tag. ODB comes in, popping the floaties and WHAM!

SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!

No? Hell with you. Haha. The crowd loves it and so does Velvet, who is just dying to get into this match. She’s pounding on the turnbuckles and TAG! She comes in, taking down both ODB and Jackie with running clotheslines and as soon as they try to fight back, she hits them with a double. Something tells me that ODB is used to doubles. Drunkard. But Jackie, who is probably sober, takes to Velvet’s leg and her partner takes her down, but Tessmacher isn’t about to let that happen. She immediately goes after ODB and wrangles her to the outside. I do have to say, when ODB says “Oh my God! You suck!“, I almost peed myself laughing so hard. Just saying.

It doesn’t take long, obviously, for the more powerful of the two women to get the upperhand and she sends Tessmacher into the steel barricade. Insert dainty face flop here. Back in the ring, Velvet is choking the hell out of Jackie but ODB breaks it up, taking Velvet for some type of weird ride. It almost looks like a schoolgirl roll-up but..not..really. I don’t know. All I know is that Earl Hebner takes this moment to insert himself into the situation and powers ODB down to the mat, away from Vel Vel. This leaves Jackie free and as soon as Velvet stands up, she kicks her right in the va-jay-jay. If she fans it like Tara…I’ll die. Is she?! No. She just falls to the mat like any normal, boring guy would do and Jackie goes for the cover. Earl, back from his submission hold on ODB, counts the three and the old biddies have done it! They managed to murder the spine of Miss Tessmacher and prevent Velvet Sky from probably ever having babies.

Backstage, we see Tara all dolled up and she’s talking about July 14th. She’s finally going to get her hands on the self-proclaimed Queen Bee and destroy her. Oh, speaking of, Madison Rayne walked into the picture, right up to a seething Tara. She actually looks like she’s decided to ditch the weave and go au natural. At least it never looked like a sheared alpaca. Just saying. She tells her former bodyguard that she’s going to give her one chance to get out of this match. And if she doesn’t, she promises it will be her last. She gives her the opportunity to beg for forgiveness, let it all shift to the past and they can move on with their lives. But Tara, being the brash bitch that she is, passes on the chance.

Really? You’re going to pass this up? Madison isn’t impressed and before Tara can answer, she slaps her across the face, like a pimp to a ho. But Tara is quick on the draw. She lifts Madison up like she weighs nothing and slams her back first into the near wall. Oh hey. Handy placement. She screams “You’re mine, bitch!” and warns Madison to never touch her again. All while Madison stares at her like a child who has no idea why that just happened.

Later in the show, we see the preview for the upcoming streetfight between Mickie James and Winter but they can’t even wait until after the commercial break. As soon as we come back, they’re already battling it out in the lockerroom, conveniently with a referee. And it’s Earl Hebner, who just loves the Knockouts apparently. Winter has the upper hand and she just sends Mickie careening into a pair of metal trash cans. She tells the champion to give it up but the Virginia native fights back, only to be overpowered by the taller femme fatale. Winter drags her around the corner, shipping her into a…fence? Where the hell did that come from? Either way, Mickie sends a few boxes over in a sad attempt at defense, only to get her face smashed into one. Someone call UPS. This shit is going back!

Hebner asks Mickie if she’s ready to quit but Winter has other ideas. She’s removed her belt and slashes it down across Mickie’s back. The champ cries out and Winter taunts her, telling her she sounds like a little mouse. Our lash count makes it up to four before Mickie turns around, getting one across the stomach. Another pair to the backside and now they’re crawling up the steps, making their way to the ring. Something tells me that Winter has done this a time or two. Bobby, I’m looking at you.

From behind, Winter wraps that wide belt around Mickie’s throat and rears back, sucking the life out of her. Quick to maintain her hold, she rises up and starts dragging her new found foe to the stage, tossing her like a ragdoll across the metal when they reach destination. Mickie tries to crawl away, even managing to get a shot in when Winter stalks over to her but Morticia rounds her into the stage set. But Mickie is strong willed and gets a kick up, crawling up onto that same stage, coming down with a thesz press onto Winter. Multiple right hands but she isn’t going for a pin just yet. She’s looking for vengeance. She snags that leather belt and quick like a cat, Winter leaps out of the way.

WINTERLIKEAPUMA!

She jumps over to the ramp and tries to beg Mickie to step back but she keeps coming, sending them both rolling down the ramp. Rolling ALLLLL the way down the ramp. When they reach the bottom, Mickie tosses a couple of right hands then slings Winter, by the hair, down to the mat. She smacks her face against the floor but manages to shove Mickie into the guard rail in defense. She’s up and over at Mickie but the Knockouts Champion jumps up, wrapping those legs around Morticia’s neck. She executes the hurricarana, flipping Winter back down to the floor. Random thought but did anyone else notice the red gone from Mickie’s hair?

Anyway, Mickie takes a second to breathe then gets back on her opponent, rolling her into the ring. Come on! It’s a street fight! Fight on the street! Instead, she goes up to the top rope and as soon as Winter stands, she knocks her down with a high dropkick. It almost looks like she might have this one but she takes too long. Out of nowhere, Angelina Love springs into the ring and nails Mickie with that devastating backbreaker across the knees, rolling out of the ring before Hebner can notice. Winter had him distracted but it worked and with a crawl, she drapes an arm over the champion and gets the pin. You all know what it means when you pin the champion and so does Angelina. A smile spreads across her face and she gets in the ring, helping her mistress to her feet. She raises her hand in victory, smiling like she won the match while Winter…well, hot mess comes to mind. Haha.

Thoughts: Definite good showing this week. Both matches were very consistent and I definitely did not get bored. I think I’d have to say that the street fight was my favorite, even though I would kill to have made it last at least five more minutes. But we can’t always get what we want. Definitely wasn’t surprised with the outcome in that match, especially with the Angelina interference but hey, at least she looks normal again. I can’t say I’m surprised about Jackie getting the pin on Velvet either. It’ll be interesting to see if she and ODB actually “sign a contract” to become sanctioned Knockouts or if they just hang around, getting matches. From what I saw this week, Impact Wrestling is getting pretty good at that.

Also, cannot wait until July 14th when Tara and Madison finally get to go head to head. I would love for it to be a pay-per-view match but again, I refer back to my previous statement. Anyway, what did you guys think about this week’s Impact? Tell me about it! And until that time next week, my lovies! xoxo

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