Wednesday, April 17, 2024

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Oh, Say Does That Star-Spangled Banner Yet Wave…

Maria in “Independence Day”

We’re debuting a new format for our Eye Candy posts – complete with more detailed critiques and “graded” categories. View the photoshoot we’ve “hung” on our wall, read our critique, vote, and last but not least – sound off in the comments!

The Look: Call me un-American if you want, but ensembles inspired by the American flag have always seemed a bit tacky to me. So I suppose it’s fitting that Maria’s gone absolutely over-the-top with it. I know it’s the Fourth of July, but it is possible to pay tribute to America with a bit more subtlety. A stars-and-stripes bikini adorned with bows, knee-high blue boots, a blue starred glove, gigantic star earrings, and blue nail polish all point towards a outfit crafted towards the “TEAM AMERICA!! #1!!!” crowd (you know, the type that chants “USA” whenever a foreign-born heel cuts a promo) in its sheer excess. I know that it’s a bit pointless to nitpick the look, as it is about as themed as you can get, but I can’t get past the sheer eyesore of it. And if that wasn’t enough, Maria drapes herself in the American flag, effectively smacking you in the face with a shovel full of patriotism. Grade: C-

The Poses: Maria uses her flag prop to her advantage, draping herself in it and waving it around. She uses it pretty well for some cute poses, and her facial expressions are as peppy and bright as any fireworks display. Still, I can’t help but think of the thought process behind this as the fireworks equivalent of a hand-held sparkler (i.e., weak). It’s as if they tossed her the flag willy nilly and told her to go to town. It doesn’t look bad, don’t get me wrong – it just looks tacked-on. Grade: B

Uniqueness: Holiday photoshoots are always a break from the ordinary, so this one is pretty unique right off the bat. And, where other Divas might toss on a red-white-and-blue bikini and call it a day, Maria really went all out. It may not be to the best results, but the effort is noticeable. Grade: A

Overall: If there’s one Diva I wouldn’t want to have a Fourth of July photoshoot, it’d be Maria. The combined tackiness of America-themed clothing and Maria sound like the makings of a visual disaster. Still, it could be worse – it didn’t burn my retinas or anything.. I just don’t like it very much. Grade: C+

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