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Raw Redux (March 3rd, 2014): Divas Hijack Raw

I know, you’re disappointed it’s not our darling Cryssi doing this week’s Redux. So sorry fans but I’ll be stepping in for the Diva of Diva Dirt this week to cover this week’s Diva filled RAW.

Anyway, let’s get into it.

Early on in the show a preview for guest host Aaron Paul‘s new movie Need For Speed is shown. If you’re not familiar with Paul, he’s one of the stars of the hit television show Breaking Bad. At first, I was shocked WWE got him to appear…then I remembered that WWE really only has notable celebs on their shows when they have a crappy movie about cars or robots to promote. Looking at you, Hugh Jackman.

Following the 30 seconds of cars driving into each other, several Divas are shown watching the monitor in the back and “drooling” over how hot Aaron Paul is. Yes, a guy most known for playing a meth head is super sexy in my book too. The poor girls are then forced to perform some of the WORST dialogue ever written.

“That looks so good, Aaron Paul is so hot,” Nikki Bella says as she shows off her spikey hat (Give that back to Kaitlyn. It’s not polite to steal, Nikki).

“You’ve got a need for speed, don’t you Nikki?” Natalya “jokes”.

After a few more comments that make me question if WWE writers have ever actually kissed a girl, Aksana does quite possibly the most embarrassing thing she’s ever done (and that’s saying something).

“I want to ride Aaron Paul,” Aksana mutters…at least that’s what it sounded like. Her accent was so thick as she said and I swear that was on purpose. Poor girl was probably so embarrassed to have to say that on live television. The other girls then give her a weird look.

“I like fast cars,” Aksana recovers.

WWE, please get female writers. I know no women who actually speak like this.

Let’s fast forward a bit to a special mixed tag team match pitting Fandango and Summer Rae against the team of Santino Marella and the newest Diva, Emma!

Surprisingly, Emma and Santino come marching out to Emma’s theme. Usually in a mixed tag, the Diva is forced to awkwardly catwalk down the ramp to her male partner’s theme. That’s always awkward, so it was nice to see Emma get to use her music…and even better to hear the crowd give her a bit of a pop when her theme hit.

As the match begins, Santino and Emma do a bit where they high five and keep tagging each other in and out. This goes on for about a good minute…and let me just say, NOT THE CROWD TO PULL THIS STUNT WITH. As soon as this goes on, the crowd automatically begins chanting “CM PUNK”. Okay people, we get it, now pay attention to the match.

After Fandango and Santino grapple for a bit (sadly, not even enough for Fandango to get sweaty) the girls finally get into the match. Summer rushes right in off the tag and charges towards Emma, whose wearing material that looks like a donut. Emma catches Summer’s boot and whirls her around into a hard clothesline. Summer is up and gets taken down with a second clothesline. Emma dances around for a second and then takes down the newest Total Diva with a third clothesline!

As JBL continues trashing Emma (smart), Summer throws Emma into the corner. Summer charges at Emma, but gets caught up in the DilEMMA! There’s just so many fun words you can work Emma’s name into. As the crowd cheers, the announcers all kind have the same reaction to the DilEMMA.

“What is this?” King and JBL ask as their scratch their balls.

“She’s got a five count!” Michael Cole says.

So, the announcers know who Emma is from NXT but no nothing about her moveset. Did they even watch ArRIVAL? Ugh.

Summer comes out of the move and slouches into the corner. Emma marches up to the center of the ring and nails Summer with the Emma Sandwich! TASTY! Emma grabs Summer’s boot and drags her out to the center of the ring. Fandango rushes in, hopefully to take off his pants, but Santino comes in with his cobra sock and chases Fandango out of the ring. Meanwhile, Emma staps on the Emmalock! Summer quickly taps and Emma wins again!

Santino runs around celebrating and picks up Emma like a rag doll. The two then do Santino’s trumpet dance thing. Emma sweetie, up your standards.

Later in the show, The Bella Twins are in the ring stretching and getting ready to face Alicia Fox and Aksana, donning Halloween themed colors tonight. Fox is looking FIERCE.

Brie Bella and Aksana start things off and lock up in the center of the ring. Aksana hits an elbow to Brie’s face and locks up from behind. Brie counters with an elbow of her own and whips Aksana down to the mat. Brie kicks Aksana in the back and makes the tag to Nikki Bella, who has fortunately ditched the spikey hat.

Nikki rushes in and swings off the ropes. She grabs Aksana’s head and pretty much just flips onto her feet. Uh…ok? Nikki covers and Aksana kicks out. Nikki pulls the Lithuanian Diva up and twists her arm followed by a tag to Brie.

Nikki drives Aksana’s crotch into her knee as Brie rushes off the ropes and takes down Aksana with a clothesline. Aksana runs to the corner knowing she’s quickly got to take out one of the Bella’s eyes or something as Brie riles up the crowd. Brie rushes over and knees Aksana in the face. She quickly climbs up to the second rope and signals for BRIE MODE! Fox runs over on the apron and distracts Bella which allows Aksana to take advantage by tossing Brie off the ropes.

Aksana crawls to her corner (seductively) and makes the tag to Alicia Fox. Fox covers Brie but she kicks out. Fox applies a camel clutch and then drives Brie’s face into the mat. Alicia slams Brie’s head off the mat a few times and makes the tag to Aksana…

Aksana comes in and drives Brie’s face into the mat with some slams. Brie has a lot of public appearances coming up, don’t mess up that face, Aksana! Aksana climbs on top of Brie and swats at her like she’s a dog begging for food.

Alicia Fox comes in again but Brie is up and fighting back. She knocks Aksana off the apron but her momentum is quickly stopped as Alicia shoves her down to the mat. Brie struggles up but Fox throws her back into her team’s corner. Meanwhile, King talks about these are his four favorite Divas. Please masturbate on your own time, King.

Aksana and Fox double team Brie in their corner until Fox goes for a cover. Brie is up at two. Brie struggles to her knees and reaches towards her sister, but Fox comes from behind and applies a submission hold. Brie gets out and runs to her corner but Fox throws her up on her shoulders. The crowd of porn collectors begins chanting “WE WANT PUPPIES” as Brie crawls under Fox’s legs and makes the tag to Nikki!

Nikki explodes out of the corner and hits Fox with a clothesline followed by a dropkick. She knocks Aksana off the apron and drives Fox’s head into her knee. Nikki nails a back body drop on Alicia and goes for the cover. Aksana comes back in and breaks it up. Brie comes in and nails Aksana with a missile dropkick. Nikki pulls herself up in the corner as Fox lunges at her with her long legs. Nikki moves and Alicia’s foot eats some turnbuckle.

Nikki quickly throws Fox onto her shoulders and walks to the center of the ring. Nikki nails the Nikki Rack Attack…if that’s what we’re calling it and gets the three on Fox!

The Bella Twins are victorious as they hug in the ring.

Later in the show, Daniel Bryan comes out to confront The Authority.

After a few minutes of Bryan demanding a match with Triple H at WrestleMania, the WWE’s power couple come out and Stephanie McMahon is looking INCREDIBLE! The hair. The make up. The clothes. The bitchy resting face. All of it is perfect.

Stephanie and HHH enter the ring as the crowd chants “CM PUNK”….again. Stephanie makes note of how Bryan should be embarrassed for trying to hijack Raw (as should the fan who made that memorandum about in Microsoft Word).

HHH and Bryan cut their usual shtick with each other but Stephanie really shined here. She brought up Bryan is from the indies and without her family, he’d have nothing. She tells him that her family paid for everything tonight to make Bryan look good. Without her family, he’d be some tacky T-Shirts and chants.

Bryan jokes about facing Stephanie at WrestleMania instead….I mean, I’d rather see that.

The best moment of the segment had to be when Bryan begins telling Stephanie this is the crowd’s ring and she cuts him off by saying “No, this is actually our ring.”

After some more bickering, Stephanie and HHH call down Kane, who Bryan leaps out of the ring and brawls with. Stephanie yells for security as referees try to break up the fight. The local indie jobbers finally come out in black shirts and drag Bryan away from the ring as Stephanie channels her dad and yells for Bryan to “STAY OUT!”

The billion dollar princess has still got it and honestly is keeping this Triple H/ Bryan feud alive. All I know is, girl better be involved in the match in some capacity at WrestleMania.

Later in the show, we’re treated to Lana coming out and making cat sounds.

Lana, who I’m pretty sure is a James Bond villain, proceeds to tell the audience to rise for the Bulgarian Brute, Alexander Rusev. Rusev cuts his promo in Bulgarian as Lana stands there. Can I just say, her legs look great in skirts! Nice work, wardrobe department!

Fortunately, the show ends with Stephanie McMahon making another appearance. After a brutal beatdown on Daniel Bryan from Kane, Batista and Triple H she stands over Bryan and mocks his “YES!” chant.

She is owning this heel role.

I have to say, aside from the obnoxious crowd, I really enjoyed Raw. We were loaded up on Divas segments and matches but there was just problem: none of it really seems to be going anywhere. That’s okay though, it’s not like there’s a huge PPV coming up or anything…

The lack of AJ Lee tonight really bothered me. WrestleMania is less than five weeks away and there seems to be no indication of what WWE is planning for the Divas’ match, granted there is going to be one. Sure, it’s fun seeing Nikki and Brie tag with each other but what’s the point? There should be some consistent storylines going into ‘Mania right now, not just these matches with no purpose.

Despite the lack of direction, great to see two Divas matches on one show and even though the dialogue was terrible I’m happy Aksana and Alicia Fox got to talk for the first time in like a year.

It’s been a blast filling in for Cryssi but she’ll be back next week! Until then, good luck if you’re attempting to hijack any other WWE programming.

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