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Raw Redux (October 5th, 2009) – First Annual~! Diva Bowel Movement Bowl


Last night, Diva fans were ‘treated’ to the first annual~! Diva Bowl featuring girls from all three brands. What’s that I hear you cry? “Lulz ‘all three brands’ sure, more like they called in the troops because most of the Raw Divas are injured.” What? You mean to say that the first annual~! Diva Bowl isn’t an auspicious occasion that calls for all three brands uniting?! Divas Champion, Mickie James led the babyface troop to battle against the heel troop headed by Women’s Champion, Michelle McCool in the first annual~! Diva Bowl. Did I mention that it’s the first annual one? Watch below:

Oy vey, where to begin? I don’t know about you, but nothing screams ‘entertainment’ more than grown women parading around in a sorority rush week ‘sport’ [albeit, minus the beer-soaked shirts though I’m sure someone on Creative pushed for that]. Boy, the people over at the Lingerie Bowl must be feeling pretty ticked off right about now…

We kick off with the two teams making their entrances, blah blah… but oh wait, what’s that? We have a straggler! Gail Kim [one boob intact] appears, rather unauspiciously, as our guest referee.

Let’s do a headcount as to who’s in the match: Team Mickie consists of Melina, Eve, Maria, The Bella Twins & an injured Kelly Kelly. Team McCool consists of Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox, Layla, Jillian, Rosa Mendes & Natalya. Sorry Katie & Savannah, no love for you here — though some might consider you lucky.

We are ready to begin as all the Divas clear the ring leaving Mickie & Rosa, then they all get back in the ring. Did they forget the layout of the match already?! So they all get in the ring and we get a football-esque scrimmage. So that leads to a catfight and I have no idea who’s on top of who and frankly, I haven’t got the patience to try and work it out. The Divas then clear the ring again, allowing for Rosa and Mickie to start the match again. Rosa does some weird kung-fu thing, well I guess if you have Rosa’s aptitude for wrestling it’s best to arm yourself with some sort of martial arts. Rosa gets a lovely Long Kiss Goodnight, I’d like to think that was on behalf of all the fans. Rosa tags out to Mickie’s challenger from the night before, Alicia Fox…

Alicia with a kick to Mickie’s gut, but Mickie comes back with forearms. Mickie goes for her patented legscissors from the corner but Alicia throws her over the top rope, Mickie with a shoulder to the gut and then hits a different legscissors than her usual one. That looked really good. It just goes to show if/when Mickie puts in effort, she can hit some nice spots & not rely on her usual ones. The Divas Champ follows through with a neckbreaker and a pin attempt but it’s broken up by Natalya. And let’s begin the Diva spots…

So, in comes Eve who clotheslines Nattie and then hits a senton. Eve gets a face buster from Jillian. Jillian gets that step-up legdrop from Kelly Kelly. Kelly gets a Layout from Layla. Layla gets a bulldog from Maria. Maria gets a sideslam from Rosa [lulz]. Rosa gets a double dropkick from The Bella Twins [lulz]. The Bella Twins get double clotheslined by Beth Phoenix. Beth gets a split leg-drop by Melina. Melina gets a big boot from Michelle McCool. Michelle gets a tornado DDT from Mickie James.

But if you thought the Women’s Champ was going to job out to the Divas Champ [which would be highly stupid], think again! Alicia stumbles back onto the scene and gets pinned with a victory roll. Yeah, so after all that, a victory roll wins the match.

Highly predictable multi-woman slop served up for attention deficited fans. Apparently one spot after another is all that can grab the viewer’s attention when it comes the Divas these days. Imagine if you will, that this match was the equivalent of kindgarten books. Very paint by numbers, very simple, very predictable. I would like to think I, and our readers, have a higher intellect than reading [read: watching] ‘Cat in the Hat’ for the billionth time [read: watching the same old spot-by-spot multi-Diva booking for the billionth time]. At this point, I would accept the Twilight equivalent of Diva booking, though I’d be scared to see what that actually entails.

And for those of you who enjoyed it, did I mention it’s only the first annual~! Diva Bowl?! I’m sure you’ll all be on tenterhooks for next year. I know I’m having my jersey and foam finger especially made for it…

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