Wednesday, February 28, 2024

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The Tiffany Guide to Impact: A Beautiful Mess


This week on Impact, TNA finds new ways to bring the ratings lulz (SUPER 3 hour promo show… really?) while The Tiffany Guide finds its way into your hearts via a computer screen.  Velvet Sky, Madison Rayne, and Lacey Von Erich take on Awesome Kong, Tara, and ODB in tag team competition.

First off, let it be known – I’m not a fan of choreographed entrances in any capacity.  They just seem so unnatural, gratuitous, and rather lame.  So… I’m not really feeling this new Beautiful People entrance.  It just seems far too unrefined and hokey (not to mention homoerotic.  Come on, Taylorita had that market cornered first).  As relatively simple as it was, the original entrance was just fine.  I was hoping that Lacey would just take Angelina’s place in the original choreography.   Understandably, this new group will take some getting used to – the viewers need to get comfortable with the new lineup just as much as the members do.  Plus, it seems like they might’ve been pressed for time and might’ve thought to just throw something together on the fly.  That being said, the “Beautiful People” has slowly transformed into somewhat of a parody of itself.  This entrance is merely Exhibit A.  What was once comical and somewhat charming is now in-your-face and reminiscent of high school glory days.  I can almost see it in Madison Rayne’s face – poor girl looks distressed, and who wouldn’t be?  Though, Lacey (who has somehow managed to escape the notorious clown makeup and mini-skirt getup) looks pretty incredible.  Looking at her, I feel like I should have no room to complain.  Well, at least they all match right?

Tara makes her way to the ring (looking as stunning as ever), and Awesome Kong enters the Impact Zone with Raisha Saeed in tow.  Funny thing is, I completely forgot about ODB.  Her involvement in this match didn’t cross my mind until she made her entrance.  What could be a testament to my ailing memory, I’d rather blame on TNA’s booking inability.  The title holder and forefront of the division = forgettable?  That’s rather unfortunate.

At the start of the match, Awesome Kong quickly takes down her squabbling partners.  The Beautiful People fly in like vultures to pick at the leftovers.  The boiling rivalry between Kong and Tara comes to a head yet again.  Meanwhile, ODB endures the 3 on 1 onslaught.  The Beautiful People continue to cut the ring in half with the Knockouts Champion until Tara crawls back to her rightful corner.  ODB overpowers Madison Rayne (who has proven herself as the star of this match) which results in a near double count-out.  Both ladies make the tag out to their respective partners.  Tara hurries into the ring, bulldozing both Velvet and Madison down in her path.  She appoints a nice slap across Lacey’s face for good measure.  Tara sets Velvet up for a moonsault, but ODB makes a blind tag.  ODB sets Velvet on top of her shoulders for the apparent finish, but Tara disrupts in retaliation.  A staredown commences between the two Knockouts before Tara finally takes ODB down with a superkick.  Velvet quickly makes the pin and picks up the win for her team.  More gratuitous ass!

Somehow, I don’t feel so apologetic for discounting ODB’s presence.  The way she’s booked, it doesn’t seem like TNA could give much of a care either.  This three-way rivalry lost its purpose long ago; I’m just pulling for a conclusion come Bound for Glory.

On the other hand, Lacey did not get as much time in the ring – not that I expected her to, really.  Lacey has plenty of time to prove her in-ring ability, and it’s in TNA’s best interest to be patient.  At the very least, she has proven to have some amount of charisma thus far… right?  She seems very comfortable in the role of a Beautiful Person (as opposed to Madison) and doesn’t seem to have many inhibitions. If all else fails, let Madison be the muscle (so to speak).  She has already shown that she can work her way around a six-sided ring – at least with much more skill than her sorority sisters.

Next up: the Hamada vs. Alissa Flash grudgefest continues.

Alissa Flash blindsights Hamada as she makes her way to the ring.  Not wasting any time, Alissa monkey flips Hamada down the ramp and then fetches a table out from under the ring.  Hamada is able to counter and respond with a kick to Alissa’s face.  She attempts a springboard moonsault, but Alissa catches her by the ankle and drags her down from the ring apron.  Alissa Flash then bestows the Curbstomp upon Hamada.  The fight spills out toward the stage, and Alissa tries to scoop slam Hamada off of the ramp.  However, Hamada is able to power out and pushes Alissa off instead.  Hamada hits a senton on top of Alissa and goes for the cover.  Alissa Flash kicks out at 2, but just barely.

Hamada then leads Alissa toward the table.  Alissa resists but walks into a spinning kick for her efforts.  Hamada sets Alissa on top of the table and goes for a moonsault off of the top turnbuckle.  However, Alissa makes quite a speedy recovery and takes the fight to Hamada on the ring apron.  She alludes to a suplex onto the table, but Hamada sandbags and lands a DDT on the skirt of the ring.  Ouch.  Hamada leads Alissa onto the table once again, and this time there is no getting up for Alissa Flash.  Hamada hits the moonsault from the top and crashes her opponent into the table for the 3-count.

Pretty exciting match overall.  This was the highlight for the Knockouts this week, and it definitely trumps other Diva Anywhere Fall matches we’ve seen in the past.  It’s matches like these that put the Knockouts on the map in terms of female wrestling in the states.  Anything involving either Hamada or Alissa Flash almost always guarantees hardcore.  In that aspect, this match did not disappoint.  For the time limit of 10 minutes it was given, it was a bit brief.  However, they managed to fit a good handful of spots into the time that they did use.

So, Alissa Flash loses yet another match.  Too bad, too sad.  At least she looks great doing it.  Notice how her jacket doesn’t budge throughout the entire match.  That’s a fashionista right there.  Win or lose – this is a great showing for both of these immensely talented Knockouts.  This is one Knockout feud that won’t be getting stale any time soon.

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