Tuesday, June 18, 2024

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Total Divas Redux: ‘The Braniel Bus’

Total Divas Sunday. There’s nothing sweeter in my life at this very moment. I’ve randomly got my red lipstick on. My hair is in a sloppy bun. I’m wearing sweats along with my sparkly Ugg boots. My cellphone is charging in another room, well out of my reach, so I can’t text someone just to start drama (even though not having my phone beside me is causing me to have a mild panic attack). I’m totally ready for this.

Last week ended with an annoying cliffhanger and the unresolved relationship of our beloved “Nena.” We waited months and months to see if they would be able to get past the fact John Cena is one damaged man and the fact that Nikki Bella wants what every woman wants – a husband and kids. And right as John showed up in San Diego, clutching roses, and wearing a suit that made him look very handsome. And right as Nikki was strolling up to him in the smallest dress I have ever seen in my life and some fierce Loubies… they ended the episode.

I’ve waited an entire week for this. ONE WHOLE DRAMA FILLED WEEK. And believe me, my life has a lot of drama right now. The man I love certainly isn’t showing up with roses and declarations of undying love for me, forcing me to suffer in silence (with random bursts of anger unfairly directed at him and our poor new employee) and scroll the Zodiac and our respective horoscopes for reminders as to why we are so compatible.

Okay, this isn’t about me.

This is about Nena and THANK GOODNESS WE FINALLY HAVE CLOSURE! After months and months of waiting and speculation, NENA IS BACK TOGETHER!!! Nikki caved quicker than my bank account during a discount shoe sale and honestly, I don’t blame her. I get that she wants marriage and kids, but living together is good enough and there are ways to ‘accidentally’ get pregnant. Trust me, I should know. I’ve been trying to trap some rich man for years now. Pretty sure my lack of maternal instincts is the entire reason fate has yet to bless me with a love child. Earlier today, I dropped salsa on my cat and the first thing I did was double check to make sure none of it got on my shoe.

#cryssipeopleproblems

Nena did have a bit of drama this episode but it was very petty compared to what else went on. During a tag team match, Nikki had her tooth knocked out thanks to that brutish, leather-jacket throwing Tamina Snuka and it wasn’t pretty. Her mouth bled for a good minute and her ego was shattered. Nikki of course didn’t want to be around her beau, despite being newly reunited, because she felt ugly and rightfully so. All women feel ugly when something that awful happens to them. I won’t even bat my eyes at anyone when I’m bloated because I feel like a disgusting beached whale. I’d probably become suicidal if I lost a tooth. Thankfully, Nikki wasn’t that bad off and John obviously didn’t think any less of his sweetheart. With a body like Nikki Bella, how could that woman ever be anything other than gorgeous?

So jelly.

Jealousy seems to have a sparked a feud between Eva Marie and Cameron, and boy did it get nasty. At least, in my opinion it did. I get how annoying it is to sit around and listen to someone brag about their accomplishments, their opportunities, and all the good things going on in their life. It pays to be humble and most importantly, it speaks volumes when you just keep your mouth shut. But revenge is never the route to go, especially when you have no clue what wounds you could potentially open.

Cameron dug up some trash on Eva Marie thanks to the internet and what she found were a few rather risque photos of the red-headed bombshell from a darker period in her life. Instead of just showing them to Eva, Cameron showed them to the entire locker room and had Summer Rae not stepped in and got involved, who knows how badly the situation could have escalated.

Naomi had no problem putting her bestie in her place, reminding Cameron that she too has a past that she probably doesn’t want brought up, and when Cameron attempted to apologize for her actions, Eva Marie gave her a good ole “girl, bye.” To be honest, I can’t really blame Eva for rejecting Cameron’s apology but I want to know why it was such a big deal in the first place? Obviously, that’s not directed at Eva because she has a right to be upset, but she’s not the first diva to have risque photos leaked. Trish Stratus, Mickie James, Kaitlyn… everyone has a past. And hey, those three women went on to be champions so there’s that, Eva! I love me some Cameron, but that was such a low down dirty thing for her to do. Everyone makes mistakes, and that’s how we learn. Cameron will bounce back, there’s no doubt in my mind.

I bet Braniel had no idea what they were in for when they decided to rent a tour bus!!

Thanks to that damn bus, Natalya and Summer were crammed in a small together and obviously, the fur flew. These two girls are so catty towards one another it’s ridiculous. I can’t wait to see the slap Summer gives to the third generation diva that previews keep teasing us with. Talk about giving me life. Their catty, pointless feud gives me about as much life as the hidden gems of the week do. And this episode gave us a lot of brilliance this week. Coming in at number five this week is a combination of Nikki Bella and her sheer top that left little to the imagination and the mirrors on the ceiling of John Cena’s bus. I mean really, do I need to say more?

In at number four is Tyson Kidd and his declaration during a rousing game of “Braniel Bus Truth or Dare” that Nattie is the only sex he has ever had. Talk about adorable! I think every person grows up wanting to be with one and only person and the fact that there are people out there who actually get a chance to have that experience with someone is absolutely romantic and amazing. Believe me, I don’t regret not waiting because if I had, I’d be one bitter old bitch right now, but I surely spent from the ages of 13 to 19 wanting to be the first my husband and vice versa.

Massages can be so seductive =( And college is bad.

Our third hidden gem of the week is another beautiful Natalya quote. “Today you can be the cat’s meow and tomorrow you can be whatever’s in the litter box.” This woman drops quote after quote on us week after week, and we absolutely love her for it. Something else we love, or should I say someone, is Naomi. And Naomi was the most amazing voice of reason this week. She’s our second and first hidden gem of the week. Second for pulling Cameron to the side and explaining to her just how wrong she is for digging up Eva’s past like that. She wins this week for putting a comforting arm around Eva’s shoulders when no other Diva or Superstar would bother getting involved.

Honorable mention this week goes to Dean Ambrose for his random backstage cameo during catering. I used to be in love with you until Erin pointed out that you resemble Liam McPoyle from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. But that aside, I’d still hit it.

Anyway, that’s it! The previews for next week look amazing and like usual, Sunday can’t some soon enough.

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