A mysterious but rather hilarious list has been circulating on the Internet for the past week. “20 Rules for the Diva Afterlife” was supposedly written by a former Diva. Whoever wrote it really should consider a book deal, because this was a great – if a little bitter – read.
My first thought was Sunny, she’s got an acid tongue for certain, but the writer disses her. My next thought was Dawn Marie, but again she’s dissed here too. So just who could it be? I doubt it was anyone like Trish, Lita, Torrie or Victoria. An unlikely author could be ex-SmackDown Diva, Kristal… but then I wonder if she’s even versed in the history of the WWE Divas to know who the likes of Sunny and Dawn Marie are?
1. Don’t worry, it will grow back fine… just cut it down and stop bleaching it dummy. Now your natural color will be seen as a “new look” and you will experience refreshed marketability. Take some brand new all natural 8×10’s at Wal-Mart and work it girl!
2. Remember you can always bleach your hair again back to the “classic look” to boost your self esteem for a week. If you ever get cancer from the dye, just ask Dawn Marie to sell her unwashed panties through Wrestlers Rescue to help pay for the medical bills.
3. If your just coming off TV, then your used to the schedule. Always starve yourself before every appearance and pig out at your favorite fast food restaurant afterwards. Nothing new. Eating disorders and binging cycles are totally normal and healthy. It’s a Diva’s way of life, 4-life.
4. If you haven’t done so already, you need to go F**k either Scott Levy, Batista or Ric Flair before he dies. Do a few lines of coke with them too. It makes for a great tell all shoot and high self worth.
5. The wrestling convention circuit is 10×200. The same 10 money marks will book you and the same 200 losers will show up each time. Milk ’em for all they are worth cause it’s all you got left. Virgil will be at every show so you might as well get to know him too. And yes, he is a real creep.
6. Appearing at 3 Flea Markets per week is officially known as “doing a tour”. Congrats on the success!
7. Letting men touch your breasts for an extra $5 during photo-ops is an excellent business strategy.
8. If the photo-op printer ever stalls and delays, just give them an index card with your own lip prints on it. It will make their day that you were soooo selfless, giving and thoughtful of their patience.
9. It’s perfectly normal to refer to other human beings as “fans”, “clients” and “followers” but to their face- always call them “friend”.
10. Always smile and play nice with the co-workers you haven’t seen in 5 years. These are your “best friends in the whole world”….somehow? That’s how the wrestling family illusion rolls on.
11. Treat the disabled extra nice. Them pockets are deep with Social Security money and they spend like mad at the gimmick table.
12. You will never draw like Trish Stratus, you will never look like Trish Stratus and you will flat out never be Trish Stratus… but don’t ever stop trying hun’.
13. But yes, I know you are still a big star… right in your head.
14. Even if you got fired, always say that you left “on your own terms” or because of an “undisclosed dispute”. This will always make you appear above the business.
15. Always say that a WWE return is “right around the corner” and “never say never” when you know damn well they wouldn’t take you back if you begged.
16. When the going get’s tough, selling your used tampons on eBay is a great way to make some additional cash.
17. I know the crows feet and wrinkles are building up. It’s ok, no one is going to seriously book your used up, worn out ass after age 45 anyway. It’s now time to assume the Moolah role.
18. There’s nothing wrong with forever living in the past. Tammy Sytch still lives in 1996, and look there’s nothing wrong with her.
19. Why have any normal relationships? You can have every lonely pervert from Philadelphia to Oakland lusting after you. Being emotionally unstable is F U N!
20. Remember that Jesus forgives you for all of your sins, so everything listed above is A-OK. Just rinse and repeat.
In closing: Yes this is one sad life but hey it’s all you know…. so do it like a professional!
Discuss! What are your favourite ‘rules’? Mine is definitely #12! And who do you think posesses the poison pen? Sound off in the comments.