- Total Divas
Hello hello everyone, and welcome to this weeks Main Event Redux. Now, I know what you’re all likely thinking… “there was nothing reported about a Divas match on last night’s show! Is this no-named recapper flat out dumb or just plain stupid?!” Well, you’d be correct… on one of those (hopefully). There was no match involving the divas, but there were a few fun segments involving a certain Divas Champion named Kaitlyn. Now being that whenever I’m asked for my religion, I tick the “other” option and write-in “NXT Redemption”, I clearly love these off the wall, quirky couple segments and will do everything in my power to get them as much attention as I can, so ladies and gentlemen, allow me to paint the picture of America’s Next Top Pairing in the form of the Brady Bunch intro.
Here’s the story
of a Texan lady
She had just won the Divas title
It was many different colors — like her hair
But she wore it proud
Here’s the story
of a man with a lovestache
who just split up from his tag team par-ta-ner.
He was lost and… partly confused
Until he laid eyes on her
That was the day that the lady met the fellow
It was right before her tag team match
She could bare-ly focus on the ring work
Because she was too in-to… the lovestache
She was too in-to the love-stache!
Okay, now that I’ve familiarized or introduced everyone with the latest happenings involving Cody Rhodes and Kaitlyn, let’s delve into tonight’s breakdown before I start breaking out into other TV theme songs.
Backstage, we are taken to our wandering champion, Kaitlyn from earlier today. Although we don’t know what went wrong in her relationship to NXT God, Derrick Bateman, they are clearly not together anymore and I have been in mourning ever since the segment aired on SmackDown where she and Cody had their first awkward meet. Anyways, she walks up to the man of the hour and his ‘stache of love and they engage in one of those awkward moments we all have where we bump into someone and then both end up trying to go the same way to get around the other.
… Did she just laugh-snort? I’m not one to ever become speechless in these reduxes, but I legitimately just had to step away from the computer so I could compose myself of my non-stop laughter. Okay I’m back, and I’m… oh crap I just replayed the laugh-snort. Be right back, guys. (Note: My attempt to get past it was repeated a good seven or eight times) Alright, Kaitlyn seems a little embarrassed at the action her body just exerted, but Cody welcomes it and tries to use this as promotion of his dance skills which I can only assume means he’s trying to get cast on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.
She asks whether the “moves” in question are actually his, or that of his love-stache which I think needs a name. We’ll get to that later though, because in comes Sheamus! Sheamus drapes his slightly pale arm around her shoulder, (Homeboy’s not been looking as white as usual… and yes that’s the last time I’ll ever say homeboy. Just wanted to try it out and clearly we can tell it’s not me) before calling Cody “Magnum, P.I.” TV references! In turn, Cody doesn’t want to be upstaged by the man with the orange eyebrows, and thus he dubs Sheamus “Handlebars” because his facial hair resembles the very item used to help us balance on a bicycle.
Sheamus reveals that he’s in no way ashamed to be called that, because it’s much better than having a mustache that looks like a dang caterpillar (which is kind of a true statement… sorry Cody). Cody refuses to be disrespected by Sheamus any longer, and is sick of him sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. Because of this, he wants to face Sheamus in a match with the stipulation being that Kaitlyn’s Divas Championship will be hanging from a pole above the ring and the first one to grab it gets to kiss her. Oh wait, sorry. I got sidetracked as for some reason that Christmas in November mistletoe on a pole match where Brie Bella won the opportunity to kiss a superstar and never used it just played in my head. Anyways, the match between Cody and Sheamus will be a singles bout… but one has to assume that Cody wants to impress Kaitlyn with a victory and not get shown up by the fighting Irish.
Sheamus thinks he’s joking since he beat him in a match a few weeks ago, but Cody dubs their past meeting a fluke and seems intent on getting a measure of revenge tonight. Sheamus laughingly agrees after a moment of deliberation, before asking Kaitlyn to make sure young Cody lays off the caffeine in the future. After Sheamus heads off to possibly tweet photos of his arse once he hits a certain number of followers, Cody asks Kaitlyn to watch his match tonight because, wait for it…
Tonight, the love-stache… oh it strikes BACK.
She again bursts out with laughter — no snort on this one — which seems to catch him off guard, much like it did me as I was expecting a double snort this go around. She tries to hide it by putting her hands over her mouth, which is quite smart as her laugh did kind of sound like a sneeze, but Cody shakes his head and heads off. Our Divas Champion could be finding love, and the night’s not over yet!
(Skip to 2:04 if you want to get to Kaitlyn’s part.)
Backstage we go once more following Cody’s match against Sheamus, as an angered Cody Rhodes marches through the hallway. A kind person simply tries to say hello to him, but unfortunately learns the hard way that until Cody has had a chance to calm down following a match that doesn’t end in his favor, you do not approach him. What’s this? I spy some blond… and black(!) hair walking out from around the corner and heading Cody’s way. It’s Kaitlyn once again, who stands looking on as he slams a trunk in frustration. (Side note: My inner NXT superfan is giving me so many vibes of the segment where Alicia Fox offered to give JTG a makeover right now)
He says hi to her, but where was that kind hello when the person walking by said it to him earlier? Is this a case of sexism?! Whatever the case may be, something just caught my eye in that there’s a random man with grey hair standing by the door and I don’t quite know why. Anyways, Kaitlyn gives Cody that burst of hope he needs to continue on in the day to day life of being a pro wrestler, by letting him know that the mustache doesn’t give up! It’s sort of like that motivational speech a coach gives to their team to let them know that a loss is not the end of the world. Following some awkward silence and what looks to be Kaitlyn not knowing what to do with her hands (a common problem facing many citizens), she simply runs away from him and leaves him speechless while I sing a joyous hymn at the fact we have a new male/female duo forming before our very eyes!
Thoughts: What can I say that hasn’t been said, repeated, emphasized, and repeated again using different word selection above? We’ve not been getting much Kaitlyn on TV as of late, so this was a huge plus to actually see her on screen. Not only that, she’s getting a storyline that will hopefully put her on Raw and SmackDown more often, and the segments were a lot of fun to watch, replay, and recap. Now being the odd person that I am, I’ve already compiled a time line of how I would handle their future together, which may or may not be a little bit influenced by my insanity. The list is as follows:
01. They will agree to go on a date in which Kaitlyn will give Cody’s lovestache a name. I mean come on, commentary loves to discuss how she names cats after people, so why not mustaches?
02. After a few weeks together, they will be insulted by Dolph Ziggler and AJ in a backstage segment, leading to a feud between the four. It saddens me that we probably don’t have enough time for this to happen before WrestleMania, but I’ll take it whenever I can get it.
03. Kaitlyn will snort-laugh at least six more occurrences throughout their time together.
04. Cody will win the United States Championship, and together they will unite their flag and butterfly belts to become the supreme power couple.
05. Following a victory over JTG and Alicia Fox (They WILL reunite one day and I won’t hear otherwise), Cody shocks the world by dropping to one knee and proposing. I’ve even obtained a photograph of the ring:
06. Their wedding will be in Las Vegas on an upcoming edition of Raw Roulette, where all the Divas act as bridesmaids and their dresses are Las Vegas Showgirl costumes… JOKE. I’m not even serious about that one. The two will get married though, and their wedding will be crashed by the debut of Paige and Corey Graves. Paige drops Kaitlyn (yes, in the wedding dress) with her finisher, as Corey lays out Cody and proceeds to pull out a razor and shave off the lovestache. (It had to be done)
07. Kaitlyn realizes her love may have been influenced by the power of the ‘stache, and then decides to friendzone Cody for the time being.
08. Youtube breaks down due to the overwhelmingly large number of Cody/Kaitlyn tribute videos that get uploaded of their time together, which all include slow-mo black and white clips and are set to either “I Can’t Let Go” by Jennifer Hudson or “Sandcastles in the Sand” by Robin Sparkles.
And there you have it. That’s what I would do with this duo, and I’m well aware that this could very well be dropped after two weeks like many other unfortunate pairings I’ve seen come and go through the years. What those pairings have taught me though, is that I’m going to make the most of it while it’s airing!
Until next week (hopefully) — peace!