Guest Columns Archives - Page 4 of 6

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #19) – Kelly Kelly: A Bridge to Nowhere?

November 2, 2018November 18, 2010 by David

If you normally read my column you know I am full of theories. I guess it comes from being an engineer, always trying to figure stuff out, always trying to see how things work. It’s kind of ironic because that is certainly not how I was raised. My dad couldn’t change a light bulb and just watched TV all day. My mom was a dancer and was always listening to show tunes (where is the couch Dr. Freud?) In any event somewhere along the line I got interested in science, eventually majoring in mathematics once I got to college. When I had to declare a minor I chose Classical Studies, because, you know, “Clash of the Titans” was a cool movie (the original, not the brutal remake). So, after 4 years of Nintendo, beer, and flag football, I graduated college as a deep thinker filled with numbers and Greek philosophy, perfect for analyzing and writing about women’s professional wrestling.

I have already shared with you several of my theories, such as my Kate Winslet Theory (Lay-Cool), my Beyonce Theory (Gail Kim) and my Sandra Bullock Theory (the Bella Twins). Each one more enlightening than the last. Well it’s time to reach even higher, to break through the intellectual clouds, and to share with you my latest and greatest brainwave. I hope you’re sitting down…

I give to you…my “Sarah Palin Theory”! *clap clap clap* You see, to me it is quite clear that Kelly Kelly is the Sarah Palin of the WWE.

Now, I could jump right into my analysis and immediately break this down, presenting the facts in an honest effort to convince you my theory is correct. But as you know by now there has to be a personal back story to all of my articles, so here we go (this is the point most of you stop reading…thanks for coming, don’t forget to tip the waiters…)

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Glam Slam Mailbag #3 + Glam Slam Reader Profile

June 9, 2017November 11, 2010 by David

It’s time for the third “Hitting the Ropes” Glam Slam mailbag! Once again, thanks to all of you who submitted questions!

OK, let’s kick things off…

Reader: Billy James

“Do you think that Mickie James will cement her place in Women’s Wrestling History as one of the greatest female wrestlers of all time plus silence her critics when Mickie wins the TNA Knockout championship and becomes the 1st Triple Crown Women’s champion? Also when do you see Mickie winning the Knockouts title?”

Mr. G – As a 5-time Women’s Champion as well as a Divas Champion, there is no denying the impact and accomplishments of Mickie James in the WWE. She was a very valuable piece of the Divas division and was involved in some great storylines (Trish’s stalker, obviously, but I also liked her matches with Beth and her recent work with Lay-Cool). But I am not sold on Mickie as one of the greatest of all time. If you are going strictly on number of championships, then that is indisputable. But in professional wrestling we know championships don’t necessarily equal career success (for example, Jake Roberts never won a WWE title but few people were bigger stars at the time.) I think Mickie is an above-average wrestler who is just mediocre on the microphone, and I only love her matches when she is paired with a dynamic opponent. Mickie may win the TNA Knockout’s title in the next few weeks but I still wouldn’t put her in the same category as the true legends of women’s wrestling. (Sorry Billy…)

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #18) – These Wrestling Boots Are Made For Walking

November 2, 2018November 1, 2010 by David

I know Mickie James and Kat Waters didn’t actually have to pack their suitcases or rent U-Hauls. They didn’t have to get new driver’s licenses or schedule service appointments with DirecTV. But none the less each girl just went through a very big move. Since leaving the WWE in the spring of 2010 both girls have signed deals with Total Nonstop Action wrestling, effectively packing up one stage of their respective careers and moving to totally new surroundings.

Fortunately Mickie and Kat are going to be just fine. Both are working for a high-profile company that will showcase them on television and keep them in the spotlight. The paychecks might not be as big, but money isn’t everything. Each should feel somewhat fortunate because professional wrestling is brutally competitive, with many athletes vying for precious few spots on a roster. At the end of the day wrestlers better love what they do because the odds of hitting the big time are daunting. And if they do get a break, they have to work extremely hard to keep their spot. Mickie and “Winter”, as Kat is now called, are two of the survivors.

I give each girl a tremendous amount of credit. Admittedly I’m not a wrestling insider, but I am familiar with some of the stress and anxiety associated with this type of transition. I’ve seen it first-hand.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #17) – SHIMMER Cappuccino

June 9, 2017October 18, 2010 by David

Hey, I make no apologies, I’m a WWE guy. I know the WWE is no different than McDonald’s, Wal-Mart, and Starbucks, a huge, publicly traded company that is first and foremost concerned with profitability and market share. It’s a wildly successful business run by a man whose sole objective is to make money. The actual wrestling is secondary, really just a vehicle to showcase the individual Superstars, who in turn grab the attention of fans eager to buy the t-shirts, action figures, and Glamasuits that keep the money rolling in. And as long as the WWE is making money, Vince is going to stick with what works no matter how much some fans wish he would revamp certain aspects of his product (like booking the Divas strong on TV). Starbucks may burn their coffee, but they sell a boatload of it every day. I may grumble about the quality, and I may grumble about the price, but there I am every day ordering a white chocolate mocha from the barista (no, not Batista…although if this MMA thing doesn’t work out, you never know…)

A little known fact about me: I can’t function in the morning without a monster cup of coffee. I’m not one of those people that bounce out of bed when I wake up. I’m grouchy and irritable. My back hurts, my feet hurt, my knees hurt. I stumble around like Ric Flair after an all-night bender. Truthfully, my wife’s not much better, but since she gets up with the kids she already has a pot of coffee brewing by the time I stagger into the kitchen (God bless her, it’s the little things that keep love alive). I don’t even say hi to my family until I’m one cup down. Once I get that first cup in me, though, I start to get excited for the day ahead and I’m a pretty easy guy to be around. But before that?

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Glam Slam Mailbag #2 + First Glam Slam Reader Profile

June 9, 2017October 2, 2010 by David

It’s time for the second “Hitting the Ropes” Glam Slam mailbag! I enjoyed writing the first one so much I thought I would make this a regular feature. Thanks to all of you who submitted questions!

OK, let’s jump right in…

Reader: madslam2009
“Who is your favorite TNA Knockout and what do you like about her?”

Mr. G – I really like the Beautiful People because I have always liked tag teams more than individual wrestlers (Fabulous Firebirds notwithstanding…) I like how they generate a lot of controversy and stay prominently involved in TNA’s storylines. I admit they are not the most technical wrestlers in the world but that has never been my #1 concern. I gravitate towards performers that I find “interesting”, and there really haven’t been many great female tag teams (although I would definitely put LayCool at the top of any short list). I like that there have been several iterations of the Beautiful People, and I think they look great together, cut decent promos, and can carry themselves as faces or heels. My problem with TNA is the lack of interesting opponents for them to wrestler (I am not a big Tara fan) so I would welcome a feud with Mickie James upon her arrival to TNA.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #16) – All Dressed Up

June 9, 2017September 22, 2010 by David

Like a lot of readers on this site I am in love with a pretty brunette from Los Angeles. No, no, no…it’s not Melina, although I will admit she is pretty sensational. Great looking, great worker. But c’mon, she defeated my beloved Glamazon at the 2009 Royal Rumble and stole her Women’s Championship. An egregious crime that I may never get over. Not only do I look more and more like an elephant as I get older, I have a memory like one too. Sorry Melina…it still hurts.

No, this particular brunette has been a part of my life for 23 years now, and to this day she still gives me butterflies and makes me feel light-headed. It all started back in the summer of 1987 when I was attending basketball camp at Franklin & Marshall College. At the end of the week my parents took me to the school bookstore so I could get a t-shirt or pair of shorts. As I was making my way back to the clothing section I passed the magazine rack and…BAM…something hit me right between the eyes. I felt like I had been hit by a bulldozer. Staring back at me was the most picturesque, beautiful woman I had ever seen. There she was, like an angel, on the cover of that month’s SPIN magazine – Susanna Hoffs of the Bangles. I’m not sure I believe in love at first site…but that was definitely the first time I felt incredibly attracted to a woman. I didn’t know a lot about the Bangles in general, but I knew I would soon be finding out much, much more.

Southern Belle Smack: The NXT Season Three Debate… Is it Doomed to Fail?

June 9, 2017September 7, 2010 by Cryssi

Season three of NXT is no doubt the most talked about season so far in the show’s history. Last week, during the finale of season two, Josh Mathews and Michael Cole made a historic announcement by telling us that season three is going to be comprised entirely of Diva rookies. When the average wrestling fan hears the term ‘Diva’, he automatically assumes that a hot girl with a nice set of puppies will walk out to the ring. Or what’s worse, is average fan may believe Diva time is really bathroom time. The majority of average wrestling fans are ignoramuses, but the point remains the same. What the term ‘Diva’ actually stands for is overcoming the odds in WWE land. That’s exactly what six rookie Divas have a chance to accomplish starting this week on NXT.

The decision to make NXT 3 about the Divas was met with a lot of well documented controversy. Fans, pro wrestling media personnel, and “writerz” took to their Twitters, Facebooks, MySpaces, etc. to make their feelings known about this upcoming all Diva show. A nice chunk of these people took one look at the pros and decided not to watch. Some people decided to just talk a lot of smack and back up their verbal BS with weak arguments and ridiculous ‘facts’. The saving grace in all of this were the real Diva fans. They chose to remain open-minded and optimistic.

The all Diva season of NXT could go one of these two ways: it could either be a success and the WWE could find their next breakout Diva or it could go the opposite way and be an epic failure.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes (Issue #15) – Miss Elizabeth Tribute

June 9, 2017September 5, 2010 by David

Recently I was having a bad day at work so I needed something to lift my spirits. When I got home the family was out on a play date, so I went downstairs, threw on my blue Glamasuit, and watched a replay of Extreme Rules 2010. As always, Beth’s title victory did the trick. I perked right back up.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think back to April 25, 2010, Baltimore, MD, when my beloved Glamazon pinned Michelle McCool to capture the WWE women’s championship. I have such great memories of that night. Sitting in the front row. Cheering like a little kid. Jumping around as the ref counted three. I’ve watched the match 12,809 times and I enjoy it every time. To me the match is perfect. (I’d say it was “flawless” but, you know, I don’t want to have to pay royalties…).

But I finally admitted something to myself the other night. As much as I treasure the match, it wasn’t “perfect”. I have been so in love with the result that I overlooked 2 aspects of the match that sadly affect its historical impact. First of all, the match was booked as an “Extreme Makeover” match. WTF?!? Were the rules ever fully explained? Two premier workers shouldn’t decide the women’s title by using ironing boards and make-up tables. Too “gimmicky”. Secondly, the match was on the Extreme Rules PPV, a show people will ultimately forget (seriously, name 3 matches without heading to Wikipedia). This wasn’t exactly WrestleMania. So even though I was overwhelmed with joy and excitement that night, I have to finally admit the match wasn’t perfect.

Which got me thinking…

Has there ever been a perfect match?

Obviously this is a very subjective topic. I think it would be very, very hard to get two people to agree on the definition of “perfection”. So how would I define the “perfect match”? Glad you asked…

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Glam Slam Mailbag #1

June 9, 2017August 19, 2010 by David

Welcome to the first “Hitting the Ropes” Glam Slam mailbag! I enjoy writing my normal column but I thought it would be exciting to mix things up a little bit. I’m not exactly sure where I want to go with this, but at the very least it is a chance to interact with you, the readers, and to discuss some new topics and issues. Of course we’ll still talk about women’s wrestling but I thought I would open up Pandora’s Box and see what else is on your collective minds. Maybe along the way we’ll learn something about each other and…God forbid…even have a little fun. (I know, I know, I sound like such a mark.) So, I hope you enjoy the Glam Slam mailbag, a mixture of serious, humorous, and thoughtful responses to your questions and comments. Plus a few wrinkles thrown in for good measure…

Some Glam Slam ground rules: No topic is off limits. You want to comment on movies, TV, music, sports, politics, etc, go ahead and drop me a note. If there something specific you want to ask me about the Divas, Knockouts, etc., please don’t be shy. I will try to include all of your comments and questions unless they are rude or vulgar. Can’t have that. Also, if I don’t have an interesting response or I just don’t know what the hell you are talking about, I will either 1) reach out for help from my fellow Diva Dirt writers or 2) make up an answer. I hope nobody takes this too seriously. I have already received a bunch of good questions and I appreciate that. Fortunately I won’t have to make up questions to fill out this column.

So let’s get started!

Reader: BPhoenix1933
“Who do you think is the prettiest Diva in the WWE? And do you have plans Saturday night?”

Mr. G. – ok, ok, just seeing if you’re paying attention….

Here we go for real….

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #14

June 9, 2017August 8, 2010 by David

“CHANGE”

That was the title of the email. Short, simple, just one word. Uh oh. I just knew this wasn’t going to be good. Like when the phone rings too late at night and you don’t want to answer it because you know it’s never good news. My heart started beating really, really fast. “Oh dear God I’m afraid to open it,” I thought to myself. I stared at the screen for 5 solid minutes. Finally I clicked the email message and read the bad news from the casting agency.

“I’m sorry to say the client has decided to only use the girl. I know you’re disappointed. I’ll try to make it up to you.”

The client? World Wrestling Entertainment.

Another few moments passed. I really don’t know how long I sat there staring at my computer screen, honestly. I took a deep breath, walked upstairs and told my wife, “Well, you’ll never believe it. They’re not using me tomorrow.” She could see the disappointment in my face. Nothing “life or death”, but real disappointment. She felt badly for me, she tried to lift my spirits, but I was pretty down in the dumps.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #13

June 9, 2017July 26, 2010 by David

Diva Dirt’s own Jennifer recently shared a great story:

In an interview I had a few weeks ago, we were asked, ‘If money was no question, and if you didn’t have to work for your livelihood, what would you do?’ My hand shot up. I was honest; I said, ‘I’d wrestle.’ The whole room erupted into laughter. The interviewer said, ‘Really?’ I said, ‘Yeah, I would love to wrestle.’ She thought I was the most interesting person in that interview, hah. I make no apologies – I’ll admit I’m a wrestling fan and if the conversation goes farther I admit my real passion is for women’s wrestling. If folks aren’t mature enough to handle that, then sucks for them. They don’t know what they’re missing.

I love this story for several reasons. First of all, I love people’s passions. I don’t care if you love the Civil War, collecting bottle caps, or writing poetry. I am interested in hearing more about it. I like seeing someone’s eyes light up when they talk about something they care about. I love how Jennifer didn’t worry about the reaction in the room. That’s the great thing about believing in something, about having a true passion. You feel it inside of you and that’s all that matters. I also love this story because it made me think, “Jesh, how would I truly answer that question?” What would I truly love to do with my life?

Well for starters, I know I wasn’t born to be a project manager. The job is fine, I work with nice people, and I enjoy business travel, but I don’t jump out of bed every day and mark out because I get to generate project plans. When I was a kid I saw the movie JAWS and wanted to be a marine biologist, but now I’m afraid of the ocean. Plus I don’t really want to be in a small boat all the time…I like my TiVo too much. So I’m glad I didn’t follow through with that. The truth is that I’ve always kind of known what I wanted to be when I “grew up”. I was born to be a booker. I was born to script professional wrestling. I never figured out how to pursue this dream, but I started to feel this way the night I saw my first match, October 1985 at the Hershey Park Arena. The next thing I know I am buying my first Big John Studd action figure and I’ve been booking ever since. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the actual matches, but I have always been more interested in putting together the card, of building the excitement of an entire show from one match to the next. I think I’m pretty good at it too, because ever since 1985 I have been putting asses in seats.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #12

June 9, 2017July 14, 2010 by David

I don’t get out much anymore. Balancing a job, a mortgage, a wife, and 2 kids doesn’t leave a lot of time for other interests. We try to see friends and family as much as possible but it’s difficult to get everybody’s schedules to match up. I try to do a little acting here and there, just to keep the creative juices flowing. I contribute to Diva Dirt for the same reasons. It’s all good and I’m certainly not complaining, but life is sure different than when my wife and I met in college. Back then our most important decision was “Bud or Bud Light?” Now we worry about things like parent-teacher conferences and soccer practice (By the way I’m officially a soccer mom now…who needs orange wedges? Off to McDonald’s!) It’s not like we were the Rolling Stones once upon a time, but my wife and I used to love hitting the DC clubs and staying out a little too late. We used to have 2 or 3 house parties each year that wouldn’t wrap up until the sun was shining. Good times. Now a wild night for us is staying awake until they announce American Idol results. So when my friend Patrick invited us to his summer party a few weeks ago, we reacted like lions at Morton’s Steakhouse. “We’re going….OUT?”

If only it were that simple. Should we both go? Should I go? Should she go? Are kids invited? Do we bring the kids even if they are? Do we drive? Should we get a taxi service? Should we spend the night? All things to consider. It’s not that we never go out just the two of us, but it better be for a damn good reason. Once you start getting babysitters involved the complexity of the evening triples, as does the cost. So normally we’ll all go somewhere, or one of us goes out while the other stays home and keeps the family train on track. The question though is “Which one of us gets to go?” I know, romantic right? (I’m happy to say the honeymoon is never over around here.) Here’s where we bring in our legal teams.

Attorney 1: “Well, David, your wife feels she should go because you went out 3 weeks ago for 45 minutes.”
Attorney 2: “Objection! That was to pick up flowers for his mother-in-law!”
Judge: “Overruled!”
Me: “Crap.”

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #11

June 9, 2017July 1, 2010 by David

I told my wife last week that “I think we should rename our daughter “Gail” because all she likes to do is Eat D’Feet! Well, either she didn’t like the joke or she didn’t understand it, because she just looked at me with a blank stare. It was the same look I get when I forget to take out the trash or pick up milk. A look that conveys general confusion at the choices she’s made in her life (I’m also starting to believe the laws of Virginia prevent her from laughing at anything I say.) But, personally, I love this joke. I loved this joke last week and I still love it today. I’ll love it even more next week.

I guess I should have expected that response from her. She’s not really a wrestling fan so why did I waste my best material at home? I tweeted the joke. No response. No “re-tweets” or “direct messages” (how geeky does that sound Michael Cole?!) I’m pretty sure that stupid whale crashed Twitter that day. That must be it, because I’m sure SOMEBODY would have thought that joke was funny!

You get it right? (I hate when I have to explain a joke, but here goes.) My daughter is 5 months old. Her middle name is Phoenix. We call her the Baby Glamazon. She doesn’t play with rattles she plays with dumbbells. She prefers a tiara to a bib. Perfect. But now she spends all day throwing her legs in the air and sticking her feet right in her mouth (seriously, I can’t wait for the teenage years.) All day long she likes to “eat d’feet”! You know, which sounds like Gail’s finisher. So…um… maybe we should rename her “Gail”. (Groan).

I continued to think everybody else was crazy. How could nobody like this joke!? I’m pretty convinced I know what’s funny. I actually think I have a very sophisticated sense of humor. If I’m laughing, you should be laughing. (No ego problems here!) But then it hit me. Some might not think that joke is funny because it refers to Gail’s finisher, which has the stupidest, dumbest, goofiest, most ridiculous name in wrestling history! Of course the joke isn’t funny in the same way jokes about the Hindenburg and the Titanic aren’t funny. What a disaster!

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #10

June 9, 2017June 20, 2010 by David

Natalya and I have something very unusual in common – we were both raised in a dungeon. The impact of this can’t be overstated and it obviously impacted our passageway to adulthood. As a member of the legendary Hart Family, Natalya was raised in Stu Hart’s dungeon. As a kid growing up in York, PA, I was raised in my dad’s living room. Both featured a lot of screaming and foul language. Both featured a lot of stretching. Both were probably not the cleanest places in the world. And in the end, both were places we were happy to escape from. Natalya graduated to the next phase of her career as a professional wrestler, and I graduated high school. These stories are so similar there are times I think I am actually an honorary Hart brother (and I have been known to wear pink…just not in my hair.) Natalya and I were both finally free to pursue our dreams.

Why was my dad’s living room similar to a dungeon? Well, when I started falling in love with pro wrestling, I had to beg, and plead, and beg, and plead, and beg some more for my parents to take me to nearby Hershey Park Arena to see the touring WWF shows. Neither parent was thrilled that I was starting to love wrestling (that “fake stuff” as they called it) which was probably because I was ripping off my t-shirts and calling everybody “brother” (you can’t deny Hulk Hogan’s impact on a generation of kids). But my dad was even less thrilled because I wanted to watch the WWF on TV each week… and our one TV was his. It wasn’t for the family. It wasn’t for the parents. His. His TV. I can’t stress that enough. I had to beg him to watch ‘Wrestling Challenge’ and ‘Prime Time Wrestling’ each week. Thank God he was asleep by the time Saturday Night’s Main Event came on the air. I felt trapped because I could feel something inside of me changing… I was becoming a huge wrestling fan and I wanted to jump in with both feet.

I remember the day when my dad reluctantly bought our first VCR. He looked at that thing like it contained plutonium that would blow up the house if we used it. He reluctantly agreed to buy it because my mom is a dancer and she wanted to watch some dance videos. I was a brainy kid so I tried to learn how to program it to tape my WWF shows (remember when programming a VCR took 43 steps?) and Lord have mercy if I screwed up and accidentally changed his channel by accident. “Time to learn the ankle lock, kid!” AHHHHH. (PS – I’m not a psychology major, but Freud would probably find a correlation between this story and the fact that I now own two giant TiVos, one for my family and one just for me. No one is telling me what I can tape now!)

The Artist Formerly Known as Katie Lea’s Short & Snappy Tales of Greatness – Issue #1

June 9, 2017June 15, 2010 by Team DD

Diva Dirt is honored to welcome former WWE Diva, Katie Lea aka Kat Waters to the team as she brings her column ‘Short & Snappy Tales of Greatness’ to our readers. Welcome, Kat!

So a few weeks ago (OMG, times goes fast when you‘re fabulous!), as many as you clever, clever people who follow me on Twitter know (it’s @dawgkilla for all you poor backwards people who don’t), I was watching the very interesting movie ‘Rollerball’. Now I am not about to turn this into a full-blown movie review- as, first of all, the movie is not new and has probably been reviewed to death, but second of all- I really couldn’t figure out what it was all about.

What I did want to mention, however, was the fascinating discovery that this film about a crazy roller derby/basketball mix featured not only Paul Heyman (in a prominent role), but also Shane McMahon (in a smaller part) and an extra that looked just like Justin Roberts… Imagine my surprise! And here I was, thinking I had invented the roller derby-wrestling connection courtesy of my very excellent, downright amazing rollerderbyist sister, @nuke_leah (again, Twitter-speak… follow her everybody!).

So, turns out, roller derby is nothing new. Be that as it may, it is of late experiencing somewhat of a new wave, a renaissance quasi- in fact, it has been referred to as the up-and-coming sport, the one to watch, the bandwagon to jump on. Which means of course that I, the notorious dawgkilla, am hereby pressing my finger firmly down on that pulse. And in timely manner, by a stroke of luck I finally got to watch my sis live and in colour, skating rollers and kicking ass… And thus figured out what makes this sport so special.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #9

June 9, 2017June 12, 2010 by David

EXCUSE ME! I said EXCUSE ME!! It’s time for some “Real Talk”! This week I am turning in my tiara for a full-zip custom hoodie…and I gotta admit, I’m pretty fired up. I’ve wanted to write about Lay-Cool for a while now but I keep getting distracted. First by Beth’s knee injury. Then by my sudden fascination with the Bellas. Then by my favorite French Canadian Maryse (I’m proud of that column by the way. It only took me 2,300 words to prove that Maryse is “hot”. I know, impressive.) But no more. Now is the time. Now is the time for me to write about one of my favorite tag teams ever. Honestly, I haven’t enjoyed a tag team, male or female, this much since the Hart Foundation broke out the pink and black almost 25 years ago. (Seriously…go back and watch WrestleMania 3 and tell me if you ever saw a cooler tag team.)

First off, let’s get this out of the way – some of you might not think Layla and Michelle are officially a “tag team” because the WWE doesn’t have an official women’s tag team division. Well, I think you’re wrong. I think Lay-Cool can be classified as a traditional tag team because they meet the required criteria, as defined by yours truly…and in this case I am the judge, the jury, and the executioner (no, not THE Executioner who lost to Tito Santana in the first WrestleMania.) Trivia time: What big name grappler played the Executioner that night? Did you know it was that Executioner’s only WWF appearance (and it happened at WM?!? WTF?!?). It also led to one of my all-time favorite Gorilla Monsoon lines: “I don’t know much about this particular Executioner.” There were others he DID know a lot about??? God I loved the Gorilla. My favorite Monsoon expression ever? Every time Nikolai Volkoff would wrestle Gorilla would say “the Big Russian doesn’t have a clue how strong he is”, usually right before Volkoff got pinned. Killed me every time. In Gorilla’s honor I have a framed Volkoff signature in my basement and I know all the words to the Soviet National Anthem. “Mr. Glamazon requests that you all rise and respect his singing of the Soviet…National…Anthem.” Boooo! USA! USA! USA! I would make a great heel.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #8

June 9, 2017June 3, 2010 by David

I switched the topic of this week’s column at the last minute. I was all set to write about Michelle and Layla and the “Rise of LayCool”. I had completed the outline and had my hoodies all picked out. But something has been nagging at me for a few days…

In my last column I broke one of my own rules. Truthfully, this has been bugging me ever since I posted it last week. I promised myself when I started writing this column that I would try to be informative, insightful, and funny, all within certain boundaries. I would not go for the cheap laugh at somebody else’s expense unless there was some validity to what I wrote. At first I thought the joke was funny. The more I kept reading my column the more I began to wonder if the joke was as clever as I originally thought. After reading my column for the 457th time (hey, somebody has to read it!), I really started to sour on it because I realized I may have just gone for the cheap laugh. I am a little disappointed in myself because I know better. There is really nothing funny about hitting below the belt. I’m also not a fan of obvious humor (think Tiger Woods jokes, Monica Lewinsky jokes, etc.) Anyway, I spent a lot of time reflecting on this specific joke and decided that I needed to either 1) defend it or 2) apologize for it.

Before I do, however, I want to be very clear about how I define “smart humor” and “cheap humor”. My boy Mike Knox is actually the perfect person to use for this example. Here is something I think is funny: During his last few months in the WWE, the announcers would make a big deal about how Knox studied “kinesiology” and knew all kinds of special ways to hurt people and inflict pain. Personally I think he should have spent more time studying “how to win matches” because he didn’t do that very often. (Insert laugh track) Now that to me is funny, and it is also fair game based on the silly commentary and poor character development. (Note – If you didn’t find this joke amusing, I’m probably not headlining Second City any time soon.)

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #7

June 9, 2017May 26, 2010 by David

Thanks to several readers I have decided to join a Beth Phoenix self-help group. I didn’t realize I needed professional help, but after reading some of the comments from my last column, my eyes have been opened a bit. For example, Agent E suggested I was suffering from “too much Glamazon love” and even called me creepy! Jennifer L134 suggested I check out AA. Ouch! Who knew I had this problem? Who knew these types of problems even existed? I mean, I save every Beth match on DVD, I call my daughter the Glamazon, and I back flip into my office cube every morning, but is this an actual medical problem? That’s preposterous…ummm…right?

Maybe, maybe not. But the comments of some readers pointed out to me (albeit in a playful way) I should examine this a little closer. Truthfully, I have probably been in denial for quite some time. For starters, I guess I shouldn’t check every day to see if Smackdown is coming to DC so I can pre-order tickets. And I guess I shouldn’t walk around with a women’s title belt raised above my head. (I could go on and on, but in the interest of time, I’ll stop there.) So I thank the readers for helping push me forward. In some ways I’m starting to feel like I belong in the Straight Edge Society because my eyes have now been opened. Actually, I thought about cutting my hair, buying a Punk T-shirt, and going completely “straight edge”…but then I realized something. I could give up drinking. I don’t smoke or use “prescription medication” (God Punk is a great promo). But I can’t be “straight edge” for one very big reason – I am much, much, much too vain. Nobody is shaving or cutting anything on this money maker. The hair…it stays.

Side note – I always have my hair cut by a hot chick. Just a quirk of mine. I find a beautiful hairstylist and I stay with her. It is a deep and meaningful relationship is some ways. There’s lots of chit-chat, lots of head rubbing, and I always leave happy. The only difference between her and my wife is the money exchanged. (Joke alert! Thank you, thank you….I’ll be here all week.) First there was Tina. She got me through high school and college. God I miss Tina. Then I moved to DC and was in a tailspin for about 12 months, bouncing from one barber to another. I hit all the ones in Northern VA looking for my new girl. I thought I found the right one…Brenda…but then she tried to set me up with her sister. That went horrible wrong, mainly b/c there was little family resemblance…if you know what I mean. Plus her sister’s name was Wanda…that didn’t work for me. It was my one and only blind date. And yes I can be that shallow. Cut me a break, I was 24.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #6

June 9, 2017May 16, 2010 by David

The bartender could tell something was wrong. “You doing OK, man?”

I just kept shaking my head and staring at the ground in disbelief. Finally I said “Man, this started out as such a perfect night…” but it was barely loud enough for him to hear.

“What’s the matter dude? You’re in New Orleans…laissez le bon temps rouler!” I wanted to have fun, I wanted to “let the good times roll”, but instead I felt like I just got “coups de pied dans les noix.” (Translation – if you’re a guy that hurts.)

Seriously, it should have been a perfect night. I was strolling around Bourbon Street drinking a cold beer, the weather was beautiful and life was good. No problems at home, the job was fine, and Beth was the WWE Women’s Champion (I have always contended we are co-holders of the title, but that’s just a technicality). Then I thought I’d jump into a local bar, grab a refill, and check the Diva Dirt SmackDown spoilers. Just wanted to make sure my girl was still the champ after the Tuesday night tapings. Then I read the news… a 2-on-1 title match, Vickie’s back, a confusing ending, Michelle or Layla wearing the belt… what?!?! All I knew was that Beth wasn’t the champion anymore and I felt like my heart would explode from my chest. Not so much because she lost the title…but because I knew what this really meant – something was seriously wrong with her knee. “OH MERDE!” (Translation – very, very not good!)

The bartender said, “Hey, umm, can I get you a beer?”

I put my head in my hands and said, “Nah, I’ll take a Johnny Daniels over ice.”

“You mean Jack Daniels, right?”

I looked at him and mumbled, “He may be Jack to you, but when you’ve known him as long as I have…”

The bartender poured the drink and said, “Wow, you must really be upset about something.”

“You don’t understand, man, it wasn’t supposed to go down like this…I didn’t even get to write my Extreme Rules column yet.” Being that we were in New Orleans, lord knows what the bartender thought that meant. But I thought I had a few weeks you know? I wanted to be able to let the moment sink in and then write a coherent, entertaining column about one of the most exciting nights of my life. Now, the moment had passed, Beth had a severe knee injury, and Baltimore, MD seemed like a 100 years ago. The bartender said, “OK, then this one is on the house, you look pretty bummed out. Decu dans le Big Easy.” (Translation – I’m the only loser in New Orleans not having fun.) I looked back down at the floor and just kept thinking, “Did I jinx her? In some cosmic supernatural way did writing that stupid column about Melina’s injury cause Beth to blow out her knee?!” I don’t know.

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #5

June 9, 2017May 8, 2010 by David

On the April 30^th Smackdown, WWE Women’s Champion “The Glamazon” Beth Phoenix and Kelly Kelly defeated Michelle McCool and Layla. Read that sentence again, because I think it is THE turning point in Kelly Kelly’s career. I think it might be the most important match Kelly has ever wrestled. Teaming with the current women’s champion and picking up the victory over the hottest heel group in the company is a major step in the right direction for her. And the best part? Not a leprichaun, talking car, magician, or game show host anywhere in sight. Just a solid wrestling match that saw Kelly trade actual wrestling holds with girls who know what they’re doing. Heck, Beth even let her get the victory for her team.

Was Kelly great in this match? Hardly. Did Kelly do her “whirly-bird” flying head-scissors thing that looks really goofy? Take a guess. Did Kelly stumble through her “Kelly Killer” leg drop finisher? A big, big yes. Does Kelly have a lot of work to do to elevate herself to the class of Melina, Beth Phoenix, and Michelle McCool? Obviously. But she won’t have the chance to do that…to learn, grow, and improve…just wearing bathing suits on RAW. But here is the thing, we know (right or wrong) that the WWE is going to market this girl, to use her as one of the most prominent faces of the Divas. Therefore Kelly needed, repeat absolutely NEEDED, to move to Smackdown. The entire division will benefit from Kelly becoming a legit star and that can only happen on Friday night with this current group of writers. My fellow Diva Dirt writers and I don’t necessarily see eye to eye on this, but I felt it was the most critical move of the entire draft. (Please don’t stop reading, give me a few paragraphs to explain.) Along with Natayla (moving to RAW) and Mickie (moving to RAW), I felt these were the 3 most important “draft” picks of the year (well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad right?!) Miss you already Mickie…when’s the CD coming out? Here is what I wrote before the draft:

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes – Issue #4

June 9, 2017May 2, 2010 by David

You never forget the sound. Never. When your knee snaps and you know something is terribly wrong, your body immediately goes ice cold and the sound — more like a short crumble when you smash a soda can — is forever a part of your life. It can make you sick to think about even long after your knee is healed. And let me tell you, you can never, ever, ever watch a knee injury on TV without feeling physically ill. I blew out my left knee in December 2002, a complete tear of the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL). There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t hear the sound. Unfortunately, now Melina can hear that sound too.

You become members of a strange fraternity. As soon as you hear somebody is recovering from knee surgery you immediately ask: “So how did you do it?” Then you tell the person the details of your own experience. It is almost like comparing war stories. The conversation is always the same:

“Yeah, I tore my knee up pretty good last winter.”
“Complete ACL tear?”
“Yeah”
“How did they fix it?”
“Used a cadaver…”
“Huh…I blew mine out 2 summers ago…basketball injury…chose the hamstring.”
“How’s it feel now?”
“Pretty good…hurts when it rains.”

Both people chuckle.

The recent rash of injuries to female wrestlers has been jarring. Melina tore her ACL, Daffney suffered a bruised sternum, Mickie James had a serious staph infection, Angelina Love tore her ulnar collateral ligament, and SHIMMER star LuFisto suffered a stroke, all in the span of a few months. And these are just the injuries that got reported. Each and every wrestler is probably working with aches and pains that most of us would use as a reason to call in sick. There is extreme pressure to perform even when not 100%, and combined with the increased physicality of the sport (i.e. high spots, ladders, tables, etc), serious injuries are likely to occur. These are trained professionals but obviously accidents can happen. Remember, just months after her debut, Beth Phoenix broke her jaw and needed reconstructive surgery causing her to miss close to a year of action. (Hard to believe she has 12 screws in her jawbone. That surgeon deserves a medal.)

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Issue #3

June 9, 2017April 20, 2010 by David

WITH THE FIRST PICK IN THE 2010 DIVAS DRAFT, RAW SELECTS….

We all thought my friend Matt was the crazy one. Each April at Gettysburg College we would be out celebrating SpringFest – a college-wide party filled with live music, dancing, games, great food, and adult beverages. The party started early and lasted all day. It is one of the best memories from school each year. (Funniest SpringFest memory – my girlfriend (now wife) wanted to step into the inflatable boxing ring with me. I kept saying “no” but after I had had enough of her nagging, I climbed into the ring, put on the giant boxing gloves, and proceeded to punch her right through the ropes and out onto the grass. We laugh about it now, but I remember sleeping alone that night. Truthfully though I had little remorse, “hey babe, don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time”. I officially retired with a 2-1 record after some guy challenged me later that same day and turned me into Mankind.)

As fun at SpringFest was every year, my friend Matt always chose to skip it to “prepare” for the NFL draft. He was dead serious. The NFL draft was his favorite day of the year and it usually fell on the day of the party. I can’t tell you how much fun we made of him for this. Aside from being a Bengals fan (which is bad enough), he would compose multiple mock drafts and stress about which trades or picks each team should make, and then watch the draft for 10 straight hours. It was a little bizarre – he didn’t even take his actually classes that seriously. We graduated in 1995. Fast forward to today. He has now been working as a scout in the NFL for 14 years and wears a Super Bowl ring (1999-2000 St. Louis Rams). I’m not even sure how it happened…but he met the right person who introduced him to another person and so on. Next thing you know he is working for the Rams, scouting college football games, and hanging out with the players at summer BBQs. Pretty good for a kid who never really played football. Guess he wasn’t so crazy after all!

I was thinking about Matt the other day as I was piecing together my 2010 Divas Draft. Seemed pretty ironic to me that now I was the one looking at stats, making predictions, and stressing about match-ups and trades. Plus I felt like Stephen King with writer’s block. I kept putting thoughts down on paper, shaking my head, and then dramatically throwing the paper into the trash. This killed several hours at work, which is OK to admit because I’m 145% sure my boss doesn’t read this column (he barely reads the reports I turn). I felt a sense of purpose to get this right. After all, the WWE claims “For the eighth time in WWE history, the WWE Draft promises to realign the stars within the cosmos of the WWE Universe.” The cosmos of the WWE Universe?!? What the hell does that mean? Sounds important though huh?!

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Issue #2

June 9, 2017April 12, 2010 by David

Well I think our first date went well. I picked you up on time, bought you dinner, told some funny jokes, picked a decent movie, and then dropped you back home before curfew. All in all it was a good night, except for one thing. I did all the talking. It was all about me. So, enough about me…for our second date lets climb the ropes together and turn our attention to where it belongs, the wrestling ring.

I thought in general this was a shaky week for the WWE. I like Jack Swagger and think he has a great future, but to have him cash in his MITB briefcase on a taped program like Smackdown seemed to detract from the moment, from the important elevation of his career. Nothing is as exciting when you know it is taped. Whether the WWE wants to admit it or not, show spoilers are out there and people do find out results beforehand. Michael Cole called us “Internet geeks” this past week. Whatever. Maybe it’s not a huge percentage, and maybe it’s not their target audience (i.e. kids), but there are plenty of us that do read the results beforehand and I felt the intimacy of the moment was stolen from Swagger. Do it on RAW (they cross brands all the time) or at a PPV. Give him that special “live” moment. I kind of felt bad for him even though this win is great for his career. I don’t know. Am I wrong here? To what degree should the WWE care about how the Internet affects their business?

And just to remind you…there are only 4 weeks to go until the first “rookie” is eliminated from NXT. Settle down. I know the excitement is overwhelming. I can only imagine the “innovative” challenges NXT has in store for us over the next few weeks, maybe jumping rope, maybe karaoke. This past week was bizarre, although I haven’t had that much fun watching dudes carry a keg around since I was a junior in college. For me personally NXT has been a major let-down. I support the concept – trying to establish new stars – but I expected this show to be a “peek” into the training and conditioning of future superstars, not 8-on-1 matches vs. Kane. I think NXT is so contrived I find myself missing The Abraham Washington Show. And at least with ECW we would get the occasional Rosa Mendes “cha cha cha”. (Speaking of bad WWE TV, what happened to WWE Superstars? They should just change the tag line from “Expect Everything” to “Expect William Regal and a Colon Brother”.)

Mr. Glamazon’s Hitting the Ropes: Issue #1

June 9, 2017April 4, 2010 by David

Based on your response to his efforts as our correspondent on-scene at WrestleMania 26, we are very excited to welcome aboard David aka Mr. Glamazon as a regular featured columnist here at Diva Dirt. Check back every week for a new edition of ‘Hitting the Ropes’.

When Melanie asked if I wanted to write a weekly column for Diva Dirt, I jumped at the chance. Not because I thought I had so much to share with the readers or because I felt I could make an impact on the wrestling community. Nope, it was much more basic than that. Basically, writing a column for this site sounded a lot more fun than changing diapers, making bottles, mowing the lawn, working, and cleaning the house. (Seriously, kids are great, but for those of you who don’t have kids yet… get up, stretch, look around, and appreciate your freedom. Do it right now. Smile. Today is yours!) I need more fun in my life. This column could be therapeutic and give me something to think about while I am cleaning applesauce off the floor. So I said sure I’ll give this a try. I had a good time reporting from WrestleMania and you all seemed to like what I wrote, so let’s hit the ropes and get started!

Here’s my background so you know a little bit about me. Credibility is important. To this point, from the audio shows you know that I a) love Beth Phoenix, and b) don’t know anything about TNA. Pretty impressive credentials, huh? I fell in love with professional wrestling in October 1985 at the old Hershey Park Arena in Hershey, PA. My friend dragged me to a show that night and it happened to be a (then) WWF taping of Saturday Night’s Main Event. Since Hulk Hogan was on the card, the arena was full and all the people were going crazy. From the moment S.D. Jones came out to start the show (I didn’t know what a jobber was back then), I was hooked. I loved everything. The athleticism. The spectacle. The energy of the crowd. The pageantry. I soaked it all in and when Hulk came out for his tag match with Andre the Giant, I knew something inside of me had changed forever. (It wasn’t until Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik got pulled over by a NJ state trooper that I realized something was “fishy” about this sport. That state trooper smartened up a generation of kids. In a way I hate him for it.)

For the next seven years the WWF was my main interest outside of school and sports. My friend Jamie (who went to WrestleMania 26 with me) and I actually thought we were the Mega-Powers. We begged our parents relentlessly until they agreed to take us to shows in Hershey. We broke more of our parents baking sheets and folding chairs than I care to remember. We watched the TV shows religiously (Brother Love really was my minister). We booked matches with our LJN action figures. And then we hit the jackpot when WrestleManias 4 and 5 came to Atlantic City, NJ. Those trips to AC remain some of my happiest childhood memories because we felt we were a part of something special: Donald Trump, the title tournament, Macho Man’s World Championship, and then the Mega-Powers exploding. (We were also in Hershey the night the “Madness Met the Mania” on SNME… or as I call it, “One of the Best Nights of My Life” somewhere next to my wedding day and the birth of my children, but don’t make me put them in order. I mean, Hogan, Savage, Liz, the Harts, Honky… good lord!)

Krissy Vaine’s Final Vainety Fair: A Death and a Rebirth

June 9, 2017March 13, 2010 by Kristin Astara

What’s is in a name? Does it define who and what we are? What we mean to people? Or what we mean to ourselves? In some cases I think so… Krissy Vaine was a character that I conjured up in my imagination about eight years ago. She’s been to a lot of places and done a lot of things. She has been a WWE Diva (for a hot second) and spent many hours on the road working the independent circuit. She has made friends and enemies. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly (and has been ugly herself) of the wrestling world and still managed to come out alive, yet different if that makes sense? All of these experiences must have an effect and change a person, right? I hope so. Otherwise what has all this been for? Krissy Vaine, eight years ago and Mrs. Vaine of the present are two completely different people. I’m now older, wiser and much, much more patient. All of the ups and downs and the crazy rollercoaster was for the better good of my growth — at least that’s how I’ve come to look at it. Slowly but surely, I’ve begun to resonate less and less with ‘Krissy VAINNNNE’. After 29 years, I believe that I’m actually comfortable with looking in the mirror and saying, “Hello Kristin, how the heck are ya? Glad to have ya back.”

Krissy Vaine was a mask. A facade to cover up the fact that on the inside, Kristin was a real hot mess. Krissy Vaine had confidence, while Kristin did not. Krissy Vaine had many people who loved her, while Kristin did not, Vaine knew who she was and Kristin did not have a clue… I knew who and what I wanted to be, but I was far from attaining it. The thing about masks and facades is that they only last for so long. You can only attempt to be something you are not for a certain period of time before it’s so hard on your soul that you snap. I fortunately got to snap in front of the whole world… Yay me! Haha. Something else that began to happen was that I really started to believe I was the ‘fake replica’ that I had conjured up of myself and I became that monster. I was lost and needed to find myself again. And with a quickness.

Krissy Vaine’s Vainety Fair: If at First You Don’t Succeed, Try to Hide Your Astonishment

June 9, 2017March 3, 2010 by Melanie

vainetyfair

“If at first you don’t succeed, try to hide your astonishment” could not have been a more perfect title to Vainety Fair today. Just the thought made me double over in laughter to put a light spin on what could be considered a painful day. You see, I was rejected today. Yes me, Krissy Vaine, rejected for the millionth, bazillionth time in my life and it was not fun! Honestly, rejection never gets easier, but the amount of time I take it personally has reduced drastically over the years. Thank goodness! Fear of rejection is what I believe, keeps many people in their same redundant ‘safe’ life. Scared to come outside of their box, scared to spread their wings and fly. Luckily, I think of myself as pretty resilient, though it’s not always easy to be so! Human nature craves acceptance and it is one of the best feelings in the world when we do get it. But not everything can be rosy all the time! That wouldn’t even make sense… how would we grow? As a wrestling diva, model, actress and person who’s chosen to be in the entertainment business, I’ve had my fair share of both. But to be honest with all of you, there are many more nos in this business than yeses. That being said, it still doesn’t make it any easier.

Last week, I had an audition here in the town where I live for a big production that would be taking place in the springtime. Funny thing about these auditions is that you are often in a waiting room staring at your competition. Sizing them up. Wondering what their credentials are in comparison to yours and of course, if the role calls for a certain ‘look’, trying to figure out who is the best fit. Of course in my own mind, I was above and beyond the best person for the role. I nailed the audition, fit the character prototype perfectly, and honestly in my opinion, was the bomb diggity and a shoe in. (At this point, a piece of humble pie would be appreciated.) Good grief!

You can imagine my shock and utter amazement when I am informed by email that someone else was given the part! Grr, what?! EXCUSE ME??? In 0.2 seconds flat, my ego began to take over; tears started to well in my eyes, my bottom lip started to quiver and the waterworks started. It took me back to the 10th grade when I was cut from the cheerleading squad. In 10th grade, I thought my life was over. I had been cheering since I was practically born and what would I do for the year without it? And why me? What had I done to deserve that? However, somehow I got through that year and I expanded my horizons and branched out to learn things I never would have if I had been busy with the squad. I traveled with a theatre group and I started my first job that would teach me to work for my independence. The next year, I made the squad again as if a beat had never been skipped. The year without it had actually been a blessing and many lessons had been learned.

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