Kristin Astara

What’s is in a name? Does it define who and what we are? What we mean to people? Or what we mean to ourselves? In some cases I think so… Krissy Vaine was a character that I conjured up in my imagination about eight years ago. She’s been to a lot of places and done a lot of things. She has been a WWE Diva (for a hot second) and spent many hours on the road working the independent circuit. She has made friends and enemies. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly (and has been ugly herself) of the wrestling world and still managed to come out alive, yet different if that makes sense? All of these experiences must have an effect and change a person, right? I hope so. Otherwise what has all this been for? Krissy Vaine, eight years ago and Mrs. Vaine of the present are two completely different people. I’m now older, wiser and much, much more patient. All of the ups and downs and the crazy rollercoaster was for the better good of my growth — at least that’s how I’ve come to look at it. Slowly but surely, I’ve begun to resonate less and less with ‘Krissy VAINNNNE’. After 29 years, I believe that I’m actually comfortable with looking in the mirror and saying, “Hello Kristin, how the heck are ya? Glad to have ya back.”

Krissy Vaine was a mask. A facade to cover up the fact that on the inside, Kristin was a real hot mess. Krissy Vaine had confidence, while Kristin did not. Krissy Vaine had many people who loved her, while Kristin did not, Vaine knew who she was and Kristin did not have a clue… I knew who and what I wanted to be, but I was far from attaining it. The thing about masks and facades is that they only last for so long. You can only attempt to be something you are not for a certain period of time before it’s so hard on your soul that you snap. I fortunately got to snap in front of the whole world… Yay me! Haha. Something else that began to happen was that I really started to believe I was the ‘fake replica’ that I had conjured up of myself and I became that monster. I was lost and needed to find myself again. And with a quickness.

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“If at first you don’t succeed, try to hide your astonishment” could not have been a more perfect title to Vainety Fair today. Just the thought made me double over in laughter to put a light spin on what could be considered a painful day. You see, I was rejected today. Yes me, Krissy Vaine, rejected for the millionth, bazillionth time in my life and it was not fun! Honestly, rejection never gets easier, but the amount of time I take it personally has reduced drastically over the years. Thank goodness! Fear of rejection is what I believe, keeps many people in their same redundant ‘safe’ life. Scared to come outside of their box, scared to spread their wings and fly. Luckily, I think of myself as pretty resilient, though it’s not always easy to be so! Human nature craves acceptance and it is one of the best feelings in the world when we do get it. But not everything can be rosy all the time! That wouldn’t even make sense… how would we grow? As a wrestling diva, model, actress and person who’s chosen to be in the entertainment business, I’ve had my fair share of both. But to be honest with all of you, there are many more nos in this business than yeses. That being said, it still doesn’t make it any easier.

Last week, I had an audition here in the town where I live for a big production that would be taking place in the springtime. Funny thing about these auditions is that you are often in a waiting room staring at your competition. Sizing them up. Wondering what their credentials are in comparison to yours and of course, if the role calls for a certain ‘look’, trying to figure out who is the best fit. Of course in my own mind, I was above and beyond the best person for the role. I nailed the audition, fit the character prototype perfectly, and honestly in my opinion, was the bomb diggity and a shoe in. (At this point, a piece of humble pie would be appreciated.) Good grief!

You can imagine my shock and utter amazement when I am informed by email that someone else was given the part! Grr, what?! EXCUSE ME??? In 0.2 seconds flat, my ego began to take over; tears started to well in my eyes, my bottom lip started to quiver and the waterworks started. It took me back to the 10th grade when I was cut from the cheerleading squad. In 10th grade, I thought my life was over. I had been cheering since I was practically born and what would I do for the year without it? And why me? What had I done to deserve that? However, somehow I got through that year and I expanded my horizons and branched out to learn things I never would have if I had been busy with the squad. I traveled with a theatre group and I started my first job that would teach me to work for my independence. The next year, I made the squad again as if a beat had never been skipped. The year without it had actually been a blessing and many lessons had been learned.

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