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Impact Write-Up (January 17th, 2013): Wedding Crashers and Contendership Snatchers

Hello fellow hussies (wait, did I just imply I was one?), and welcome to this week’s marvelous Impact Write-Up. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past week, you know that tonight is the big night! No, I don’t mean the premiere of American Idol (which I tend to call Va Va Voom-Idol instead). I’m of course referring to the wrestling wedding of Brooke Hogan! Yes, the ceremony of one Bully Ray and his blushing bride-to-be, Brooke Hogan. Ever since she was a little girl growing up before our very eyes on both Hogan and Brooke Knows Best, we all (and by that I mean myself) have watched little Brooke blossom into the spirited angelic authority figure that we know and I love.

Well tonight, Brooke walks down the aisle… err, ramp into holy matrimony. Impact Wrestling wants us to believe the big dilemma/question is whether or not her father, Hulk Hogan will make his presence felt and stand by his daughter’s side. But my real worry isn’t quite that. You see, in order to get your degree in “Wrestling Fandom 101”, you essentially have to know that a wrestling wedding can not — I repeat not — go off without an invasion or dilemma if both participants want to go through with it. It’s pretty much equal to learning your alphabet in Kindergarten or your multiplication tables in elementary school. The big dilemma on my mind though is just who will crash it? To help, I’ve compiled a list of suspects:

1) Hulk Hogan – He may not be quite into the whole wedding idea with his past and all.

2) Dixie Carter – She may act nice to Brooke, but I don’t trust it. Deep down inside, she wants this televised wedding to be a vow renewal for her and her husband, Serg.

3) Tara & Jesse – Jesse is certainly one to do things out of the ordinary judging from his Big Brother past, so I wouldn’t put it past he and Tara to hijack the ceremony.

4) Sarita, Rosita, Winter, and Angelina Love – A new stable unites to seek revenge for their lack of TV time and unfortunate releases.

5) Claire Lynch – I don’t think she’s done with AJ despite what TNA wants us to believe. Look for her to run out and throw the bridesmaids out of the ring when it’s time to catch the bouquet.

6) Miss Karen Jarrett – Because I miss her on TV and will do anything to have her back.

7) One of the TNA Knockout Tag Team Titles – Yes, an inanimate object will fall from the rafters and hit Brooke over the head because then it will finally get the airtime it deserves.

Okay, now that my list is out of the way, we must also not forget to mention that Gail Kim and Velvet Sky will also be facing off tonight in a #1 Contender’s Match. Velvet won the gauntlet at Genesis, sure, but Gail’s foot was under the rope (and Mickie James had other things on her mind to complain about that same fate happening to her). Gail is not a happy camper right now, and she’s going to do everything in her power to end Velvet’s moment in the spotlight before it can even begin. Okay, she kind of already did that during Velvet’s first title reign… but you get the picture.

Alright, I’m sorry for that nonstop blabbering, but I kind of get this way when we have a wrestling wedding so bear with me. This will be one long, bumpy ride filled with matrimony and craziness.

Cementing a Victory – Gail’s Got Problem with Taryn and Velvet

A very perky Gail Kim pops into the scene as she taps the black and white stripes on Taryn Terrell‘s backside. Miss Kim asks our referee how long she’s been here for, and when Terrell replies with six months, Gail gives her a history lesson on the sport. She instructs the valiant blond headed pupil that she has been wrestling since Taryn was basically an early teenager, and her poor refereeing skills cost Gail the opportunity to become the top contender and reclaim the Knockouts Title at Genesis. Gail pulls up a video of the finish on her iPad, legitimately showing Taryn face to face how bad her refereeing abilities are… to which I say amen to that, Gail Kim!

I’ve had a problem with this for the past few weeks, and while I like Taryn in general, someone had to tell her that she’s got to improve these officiating skills of hers. (Although I still take her over Earl Hebner any day of the week even at her worst.) Gail informs us that she has obtained a match from Brooke the Bride against Velvet Sky tonight, and if she wins, she takes the contendership away from our local pigeon trapper. Taryn lets Gail know that everything will be called straight down the middle, sparking Gail to get up in Taryn’s face and demand that she keep her word on this or else there will be hell to pay. (I may have slightly turned Gail’s words into my own, but you understand hopefully!)

Off to the arena, as Puppet on a String begins playing… which means it’s time for my weekly pause of the video so I can go listen to the full version. Alright, I’m back now, and someone at TNA clearly loves me because they’re keeping the song going longer than usual. Sure, you may think that’s to get a glimpse of Gail in Taryn’s face, but I see things differently. Up next comes her opponent, the bodysuit clad Velvet Sky who looks to cement her status as the true top contender despite the way her victory came off at Genesis. Velvet let’s the pigeons loose, although I don’t technically know if that’s possible when decked out in these bodysuits because I’m still kind of lost on what the pigeons refers to.

Nevertheless, the bell sounds and the two ladies lock up. Velvet backs Gail into the ropes, but they break the hold and exchange the upper hand for a few. Kim applies a headlock, but Velvet shoves her off into the ropes and scores with a clothesline that sends Kim outside. Gail now back into the ring, as she takes the momentum by shoving Velvet into the corner and choking her with her boot. Kim attempts a Samoan Drop but Velvet counters into a set of roll ups for a pair of two counts. Gail nails a sick kick, then choking Velvet on the ropes and hitting her humongous flying clothesline that I still wonder how she is able to jump so high for each and every week.

Gail goes for her happy ending neckbreaker, but Velvet falls down and Gail just decides to screw it and start kicking her in the side! Following the kicks, Kim then plants Sky with the neckbreaker for a two count as the crowd gets behind Velvet. They seem to fire her up enough as she hits a few boots and a suplex for a two count! Sky goes for the double underhook faceplant, but Kim backs her up into the corner and nails a few sharp knees. She slams Sky down and applies a leg submission to try and force Velvet to tap out.

Gail throws Velvet to the corner, but as Sky tries for a bulldog, Gail remains on her feet and hits a nasty front dropkick! She then drills Velvet with the Eat Defeat, but as she attempts the pin cover, Sky gets her foot under the ropes and Taryn finally notices something which makes me happy. Gail starts to argue with her though, allowing Velvet to hit the bulldog and mount her comeback with a pair of clotheslines and a headscissors! Sky with a pretty darn awesome reverse variation of her finisher, before setting Gail up and hitting the Double Underhook Faceplant for the win!

Here Comes the… Wedding Crashers?! – Brooke Hogan & Bully Ray Tie the Knot

Skip to 03:05

Backstage, we spot Brooke getting her hair fixed up for the big ceremony. She thanks a few people for being her bridesmaids, which end up being Mickie James, Christy Hemme, and Brooke Tessmacher. I immediately start wondering if Brooke is still friends with the two people from her show, Brooke Knows Best, whose names escape me right now, but that’s not the issue at hand. The three women tell her it’s no problem, as Tessmacher asks Hogan if she’s nervous. (P.S. – the two Brookes being in the same segment is killing me as I can’t refer to either by their first name) Tessmacher is clearly the speaker of the group, or the one who just wants to know the most backstage dirt, as she now questions whether or not Hulk will be there for his daughter. Brooke Hogan lets out a sigh and just shrugs it off by saying she doesn’t know. It’s like Romeo and Juliet with their disapproving families!

Skip to 58:26

My world is crumbling with happiness and joy, as the Queen of the Ring, Dixie Carter stands talking to the one and only Brooke Hogan. Dixie compliments Brooke on her beauty, as she looks shocked at how fast Brooke fell in love. She hasn’t even been there for a year after all. Brooke agrees with her, and thanks Dixie for the support. Our TNA President wants to be sure that Bully Ray makes her happy, and Brooke lets Dixie know that he does just that. No matter what, though, Dixie wants Brooke to know that Hulk loves her very much! How nice of Dixie to assume the role of a mother figure to Brooke. The two engage in a hug, as Dixie informs Brooke how proud of her she is and instructs the Knockout Executive to get her blond butt to the ring and become Mrs. Brooke Ray!

It’s time! If you’re not looking forward to this, then it’s probably just crept up on you like a cold chill, but if like me, you have been waiting all week and even went so far as to self-invite yourself and then proceed to invite all your friends to the event through Facebook, then it’s like Christmas come early! Bully Ray walks down the ramp in a suit, looking nothing short of top notch in order to impress his blushing bride. I suddenly have the urge to indulge in a large wedding cake, however, before I can go get one, we spot the best men and bridesmaids walking down together in the form of Tommy Dreamer & Brooke Tessmacher, Spike Dudley (wow) & Mickie James, as well as Taz & Christy Hemme.

I’m waiting for the camera to slowly pan up Christy’s entire body, but for some reason we don’t get it. This would clearly upset Taz if he wasn’t walking right beside her, which must be the reason why we didn’t get our pan up shot as he wasn’t at the commentary table to secretly mute his microphone and threaten the camera men. After a brief break, we return to the sound of “Here Comes the Bride”, and out walks Brooke Hogan! She looks like a vision of Florida beach tanned perfection, but never one to shy away from the spotlight, Hulk suddenly appears from the side to walk his daughter down the aisle.

The crowd erupts, which isn’t quite my sentiment but that’s okay because this is a wrestling wedding and that alone makes me happy enough. Tessmacher, Mickie, and Christy look on in awe as they all hope to catch the bouquet when it’s over. The reverend/minister/paid actor who probably works at Universal Studios as Prince Charming welcomes us to the ceremony of Brooke and Bully (I refuse to call him Mark) Ray. He asks who presents Brooke to be wed, and Hulk complies by shoving her forward into the graces of her loving fiancée.

Brooke hands the bouquet off to I believe Christy (which makes it all the more easier for Claire Lynch to run up and snatch it), as the two join hands and get ready to have the wedding of the century right before our very eyes. Prince Charming runs down the wedding speech, before asking the both of them to present their vows. Brooke tells Bully Ray that she’s so surprised by how quickly this happened, but when he came into her life like a burst of light, she was able to feel protection. He’s her best friend. He’s helped her down a road and back again. His heart is true. He’s a pal and a confidante! Brooke coyly adds that he knows how to make her laugh, which gets an ‘OOOOHHHH” chant from the crowd and looks to make Hulk feel a bit ill.

To sum it up, Brooke can’t imagine her popstar turned wrestling personality of a life without Bully involved in it, and she loves him. Now it’s Bully Ray’s turn, and he decided earlier this week that a saint like Brooke Hogan doesn’t deserve hand written words, but rather words from the heart. Bully knew the second she came into this company, she would be his wife. She makes him a happier person, and therefore, he wants to make her one too. In the end, he feels four words to her that every woman clearly dreams of hearing someone say to them:

“I. Fricken. Love. You.”

Brooke laughs, as Prince Charming wants to know if there’s anyone in the arena that has just cause as to why these two should not be married. I’m just waiting for the moment where I hear the sweet ceremonious voice of Dixie, Claire, or Miss Karen, but no. Nobody steps up, which means we may witness history as a wrestling wedding could end up working out! Prince Charming asks for the rings, then asking if Brooke takes Bully Ray to be her husband, to which she replies with an “I Do!” He then moves on to Bully, and he says “I… Do!” By the power invested in Prince Charming, he now pronounces them husband and… Taz?

Taz sounds angry for some reason, as he now starts bringing up the history of he and Bully Ray. He wants to be sure Bully is sure he wants to marry Brooke, to which Bully says he is. Suddenly, Taz asks if it’s hot in here, and… oh my God he’s removing his coat. He’s going to start doing some sort of strip dance that will be so random even I can’t condone it and I condone everything. Oh thank all that is right, it’s just the coat that comes off. The crowd begins to get loud, as Taz spins around to reveal the Aces & Eights logo on his vest. Noooooo, our wedding has been destroyed and now falls into the list of trainwreck wrestling ceremonies.

Luke Gallows and Mike Knox (who clearly has a thing for blond tan women), drag Brooke up the ramp to the point her chest is almost exposed to the world as the other members destroy everyone in the ring. Brooke is now covering her chest because she knows when your life is in danger, it’s all about keeping that part of yourself covered. (Props for her still keeping in character.) Brooke demands they let go of her, and like every big threatening man who kidnaps a petite woman, they listen to her demands as she attempts to run over to her father and use his head as a shield so she can pull her dress back up. Brooke now tries to run around the ring and check on anyone, but she knows one wrong move could expose herself and thus all she can do is try to stretch inside and feel nothing but air. With that, our wrestling wedding edition of Impact Wrestling comes to a thrilling close!

Thoughts: Even though I still want my triple threat/fatal four way action between Gail, Velvet, Tara, and maybe Mickie James, I like where they went tonight. With the major lack of pay per views now, they’re going to need to build up heavily to the matches that do make it on the shows, so I think Tara getting a few singles feuds in between is a good thing. Plus I love that Gail and Taryn got the segment backstage because someone finally called Taryn out on this officiating! Both came off well in it and I anticipate in seeing where this goes. Could it be leading to a feud between them? I’d hope so, but not for a while until Taryn is able to get in enough training to at least be where she was when she was in WWE. A match between Gail and Taryn could be really fun when you mix Gail’s fast paced style with Taryn’s more brawler one she had before, and I’d love to see a fun side feud as well to incorporate some of the other Knockouts while Tara and Velvet are doing the title matches.

If it were up to me, I’d start it off as a tag team feud so Taryn can work sporadically in the matches while she does training on the side. Perhaps Madison and Gail against she and ODB, Brooke, or Mickie would be great. I think it’d be fun with any option, although I’d love to see it be Brooke because she was in that role during her time in TNT, and now she could sort of graduate and be the one who helps Taryn along the way now that she’s at a higher level of skill set. Any option would be fine though, and maybe you could fill in another Knockout as the special referee when matches come up that Taryn competes in like how Maria used to referee some of the Divas matches on SmackDown a few years ago.

Oh the wedding. I’m not entirely sure what I thought of it because I’m not really sure what I think about the Aces and Eights stable as I don’t particularly keep up with or understand it, but for the most part I enjoyed it in all its over the top glory. I’m not really a fan of Taz on commentary, so it’ll be cool to see him move on to an on screen role. Plus, on top of that, I give them credit for doing something that nobody saw coming and surprising everyone. This should add fuel to the fire and spark Bully/Hulk to be on the same side, but since both he and Brooke did say “I Do” before Taz interrupted, does that mean they are technically married? They didn’t kiss yet, sure, but isn’t it as long as they both agree to it? I’m not married so if anyone out there who is wants to clarify in the comments, that would be helpful!

Thanks for reading. If you love it, like it, are okay with it, or hate it and me, drop a comment and let me know. Until next time – peace!

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