Monday, August 8, 2022

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Impact Write-Up (March 3rd, 2011): Angelina Washes Up from the (Jersey) Shore

Welcome, my darlings, to the ever so late Impact Write-Up. I apologize for the serious tardy on my part. Unexpected twelve hour shifts at work are never a pleasant surprise. Now, onto the business at hand…last week, we saw the return of yet another former TNA Knockout in ODB in an answer to Madison Rayne‘s open challenge. We also saw an array of backstage segments between several other Knockouts that lead up to current happenings. This week, Impact is coming from Fayetteville, North Carolina and there is a special guest set to show up. We’ve got the ill-awaited “final” battle between two of TNA’s top Knockouts, set to end this war once and for all. Not to mention, that we’ve all been invited to a wedding! Oh Yeah. Why are we still discussing this? Let’s get this ball rolling!

In the ring first, accompanied by her tiny tot cousin Rosita, is Sarita. There’s a tongue twister for you. Set to due battle against Velvet Sky for the “final” time, to settle all the scores, Sarita is looking to dance her way through this match. I don’t really know what to make of their outfits so I won’t even being to scratch that surface. Obviously out next is Velvet, dressed in her signature color of pink and ready to get get this match started. It has been weeks after weeks of torment from Sarita and finally, Velvet has a chance to prove what she’s worth. She is accompanied to the ring by Angelina Love who looks glistening as always. Sorry guys but the pigeons are going to have to stay in the coop this week because Velvet is wasting no time getting in the ring and all up in Sarita’s grill.

Let me remind you, as Taz and Mike Tenay do several times, this match could very well be Velvet Sky’s last match in TNA if she can’t bring home the win. Anyway, Velvet is ready to do this but Sarita is set on playing games, turning around to cross her arms. The purpose? Don’t ask me. Haha. Grabbing a handful of Sarita’s hair, Velvet almost looks to pull her back but Sarita kicks back that leg, only to be caught at the ankle. Velvet comes at her with a clothesline and with a quick lift-up, Velvet counters on Sarita with a falling crossbody pin attempt. It is a quick no good and they’re both back up. A kick and a slap, double time and they’re going across the ring. I swear I got severely dizzy for a moment. I’ve been staring at a computer screen all day. Literally.

Velvet isn’t about to lay into Sarita’s tricks however, shaking her head and letting her opponent know that dirty deeds will not be taken lightly. Vel Vel is incredibly serious about this match and she takes Sarita over with an arm drag, screaming at her to come on with it. Both women get back up and in a rather impressive set, Velvet sprinboards off the ropes and connects with a facebuster of some kind on Sarita. Not quite a DDT. I love it. But little Rosita does not and she burst into the ring, only to receive a solid kick from Velvet. This springs Angelina Love into action and the other half of TBP just begins wailing on the little taquito. What are the results of this particular event? Can you guess? If you guessed that the senior official Earl Hebner was going to throw them both to the back, then you receive a cookie. Please wait 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.

While Angelina Love and Rosita are retreating to the back, Sarita takes advantage of the distraction, trying to get herself back in this match. She slams Velvet’s face into the top turnbuckle and pulls her into a reverse headlock, slamming her neck back onto her knee repeatedly. Ouch. She is just ruthless, in both her moveset and her shimmy. Vel Vel staggers back to her feet and Sarita sets her up for what looks to be the finish but Velvet counters! A sharp DDT and here comes the pin!

The winner of the match and still a TNA Knockout, Velvet Sky!

But, in true TNA fashion, the victory is short lived when a rather disgusting theme blares through the arena. Out of the smoke crawl Robbie E. and Cookie, accompanied by former Jersey Shore cast member, Angelina. Now this is going to get confusing. For those lost and confused, JWoww was present on Impact not too long ago and ripped Cookie a new one. I suppose this is revenge. Unfortunately, someone saw fit to give Cookie a microphone so I suppose I can listen. She starts out by calling TBP skanks, asking if they remember a few months ago when they brought in JWoww. She says they beat her down four on one. I don’t quite remember it that way but sure. Now if only Robbie E. could keep his ass in a straight line instead of falling drunkenly all over the place.

TBP gets a giggle and Cookie tells them to get it together. Cookie says she got herself some backup, her girl, Angelina. The supposed real star of Jersey Shore. Cookie says she has a little message for TBP to deliver to JWoww and her fake silicone funbags. And into the ring they go, where for some reason beyond my comprehension, Cookie passes the mic to Angelina. I suggest if you aren’t an avid user of prayer, you might want to start. Angelina says that it figures TBP would hang out with JWoww because it takes a slut to know a slut. Angelina wants JWoww, on Impact next week, to battle in a match Jersey Shore style.

Hairspray and tanner and sand, oh my!

Thankfully, Velvet snaps the microphone away from the little ghetto wannabe and sets her straight. She sticks that skank tag right on Angelina, telling her that she doesn’t know what street corner she just came from but if she has something to say to JWoww, she suggests she says it to her face. She kindly excuses herself and Angelina Love, stating that the TBP has a celebration to tend to. And it looks like I’m about to be proved wrong in regards to the pigeons, boys and girls. Velvet goes over the middle rope and points to the rear…time to let the-oh damn! With a rather bitchy move from Jersey Shore’s Angelina, she puts the boot to Velvet’s backside which brings Velvet back in. Angelina Love goes right after Cookie and not even a half a moment later, Sarita runs back in. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I am so confused at this point. Haha. Velvet falls to the outside while Angelina Love is left in the middle of the ring. Velvet can’t quite figure out what just happened to her and A.Love goes after a microphone, calling at the stupid bitches for attention. She tells Sarita that if she wants to play with The Beautiful People, she can bring her Fat Cookie, the Jersey Hooker next week and they’ll have a good ole six-way! Oh for the love of carbs!

It is the moment you have all been waiting for..(they pay me extra skittles to say that). In what is promised to be one of the greatest spectacles of all time, Karen Jarrett and her husband, Jeffhave decided to renew their vows and have a wedding ceremony on Impact. Considering they have been married all of six months, I’m not sure why but I’m sure it has something to do with humiliating Kurt Angle. Just a hunch. Nonetheless, this is happening and after a few useless and random backstage segments, the wedding is finally coming to a head. The cake is set up and the Impact Zone is looking like Hallmark threw up all over it. I’m so excited that I can practically feel my gag reflex kicking in. And it only gets worse…

The curtains raise on the stage and out walks Eric Young along with Orlando Jordan who have both been determined as the ring bearer and flower…thing. I have no idea why this came about nor do I truly want to know. I’m just going with the flow. Eric tries to go right for the cake, while Orlando Jordan has on no shoes, an ugly dress and looks like he just came from a funeral. Then short to follow is the groom, Jeff Jarrett, dressed in a sharp tuxedo and he is just basking in the attention from the crowd. All that negative attention…but oh, how short-lived it is. Down the ramp runs Kurt Angle and he just starts laying it on thick to Double J. Back up the ramp and onto the stage, Angle is just laying the fists to his former wife’s new husband. He seems to be going for the wedding cake but Karen just is not going to let that happen.

Out scampers Bridezilla, jumping on her ex-husband’s back, cussing like a sailor. She screams that she is so sick of Kurt ruining everything and then slaps the taste right out of his mouth. She is so sick of him and he is sick of her open mouth. So, in what I feel is the highlight of the night, Kurt shoves her mouth full of cake by completely smashing her face into that beautiful tiered design. He takes a lick for himself and nonchalantly leaves Karen and Jeff to run to the back, screaming to Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair about how everything is ruined. Did you know that you can’t have a honeymoon without a wedding? Even though they’ve already had a wedding and a honeymoon? Oh yes. It’s true. It’s damn true.

Well, it seems we are going to try this wedding fiasco again, complete with the dazed and confused wedding party. Rings and flower petals to the ring, while Jeff Jarrett comes back down, sans tux jacket. The jeers thicken this time and his smile is just wider than ever. Out next, per tradition, is the bride being escorted by her ex-husband, Kurt Angle. Okay. So much for tradition. Someone needs to call Karen’s makeup artist and fire that bastard because everyone knows that the buttercream face mask NEVER works on the wedding day. That should purely be taken care of on the previous. Geez! Seriously, though, Karen looks like she walks into a giant spiderweb and everything stuck to her face. I am currently decaying from laughter.

Kurt has a smirk on his face and Karen is smiling like her face is frozen in place. With all that sugar in her pores, there is no doubt. The former couple make their way toward her new husband who is waiting in the ring. Kurt is far too into the ceremony and Jeff Jarrett keeps watching his back. Did I randomly mention that Karen is wearing a rather obnoxious tiara? And now her hair looks like its streaked with grey. Oooh a glimpse into the future perhaps? I’d wait to see that. Cue the part where the officiant asks if anyone disagrees with the renewal of the vows, speak now or forever hold your peace. The fans in the Impact Zone disagree and they are not shy about showing it. This flusters Karen and she tells him to just skip ahead, leaving that part out. Can you truly blame them, Karen?

Insert all those random, sappy vows that I am not even going to begin to touch on. We’ve heard them all before. Jeff accepts and Karen accepts, both saying “I have and I will.” All the while, Kurt Angle is smiling like a creeper in the background while Jeff Jarrett can’t quite keep his composure. And now, because of their “undying love”, both have prepared their own personal vows to say to one another. Jeff reaches for his microphone and paper from his pocket, while Kurt keeps moving closer, making Double J as nervous as a teenage boy. He tells Karen that now she is married to a real man, promising to forever treat her like the true princess that she is. A victim, underappreciated by a man who didn’t deserve to have her in the first place. All the gold medals in the world could never symbolize Double J’s love for his princess. She truly is the wind beneat his w-pardon me while I go lose my lunch.

PAUSE!

Okay. I’m better now. Onto Karen’s personal vows and the crowd is telling her just how much she really does suck. Karen says that Jeff is right, he is a real man, not like some…other man. From the moment they fell in love, he made her his first priority. Um..shouldn’t the kids be first priority? I’m just saying. Not like another man, may have not done. Whatever the princess wants, Big Daddy makes sure she gets. Oh God. The nausea is back. Princess always goes to bed happy. Big Daddy isn’t selfish, he doesn’t serve his own needs, not like another man. Also, Jeff is apparently an amazing father because no matter what, he always walks through those doors with a smile on his face. Bottom line, Jeff completes Karen. Shouldn’t there be a copyright lawsuit going on right this very minute for these horrible lines being tossed around? This is just ridiculous.

Until then, we’ll do an exchange of the rings, because they totally need new ones. Now Eric Young can’t find the ring…wait, it’s in his dirty sneaker. All the while, Kurt Angle is STILL smiling like the Cheshire Cat. Vows are repeated and Karen retrieves Jeff’s ring from Orlando Jordan, doing the same. Now, as per the state of North Carolina and the Department of Motor Vehicles, the already husband and wife are now pronounced…husband and wife. Now Jeff Jarrett is free to eat the cake right off of Karen’s face, which he unfortunately does. Thankfully, Kurt Angle makes a bit of a save by busting up the ceremonly with a hidden axe from under the podium. Random but I know you’re all smiling. The “newly” wedded couple flee the ring and while the wedding song blares in the background, Kurt takes to chopping up all that wasted wood for possible reuse. A nice cozy fire maybe. Who knows.

None of it will ever explain why Bart Scott of the New York Jets comes out to fight off Kurt Angle and I won’t even begin to try myself. Just know, it doesn’t end very pretty for the football player. He should have stayed out of the ring and on the green. Look at that, I made a rhyme and now we’re out of time.

Thoughts: Oh my. I cannot even begin to describe my feelings toward this week’s Impact. All I have to say is this whole Jersey Shore business is just ridiculous. I’m glad to see Velvet is still with us. It would have been sad to see her go but on the account of TBP being wrapped up with Jersey Shore again…I can’t even. By the way, am I the only one who noticed Jersey Shore Angelina’s massive hips? Just saying. As for the wedding…OH MY GOD! When Kurt Angle shoved Karen’s face into that cake, I died. I literally almost fell out of my chair laughing so hard. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, I have to say.

The wedding went pretty much the way I imagined it would. Karen went crazy, Jeff boasted to the crowd and was hated while Kurt Angle went crazy with an axe at the end. The perfect storybook wedding. Now, hopefully, we can stop getting all these stupid montages of the Jarretts during their daily exploits. Cross your fingers, kiddos. Anyway, that is all for me. I shall see you all next week, same place..hopefully not the same late time. Sorry again, lovies! Until then, may you all be blessed with schedules that do not include an extra surprise four hours of work! xoxo

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