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Impact Write-Up (May 5th, 2011): Cinco de My Oh My!

Oh my my my! Last week, we got a reel of conspiracies with character zombies and measurement hungry tailor maids! This week, we’ve got an action packed episode of Impact that is bound to leave you hanging on the edge of your seat with laughter and intrigue. A healthy matchup with a main event to scream over. Not to mention, more information regarding the “mistress” who is set to turn The Queen of the Mountain’s world upside down. Not to mention, it’s Cinco de Mayo! Orale! Are you ready for it? I’m sorry. I can’t hear you. Are you ready for it?! I hope so. Vamos!

skip to the 09:19 minute mark.

So we start this week out backstage, with Karen Jarrett and her tagalong husband, Jeff. They’re banging on the supposed locker room door of Velvet Sky like a couple of landlords looking for their rent money. Sure enough, the door swings open and whoa…Velvet appears in nothing but a pair of towels. However, she has a face full of makeup. Yeah. I totally shower with my face completely done up too. It’s a favorite pasttime of mine. Karen tells Velvet that she’s solved the mystery and she knows Velvet is the one that Kurt hired to take a hit out on her. Nope! NOPE! But oh yes, Karen says and tells her that Big Daddy, aka Tagalong Jeffro, isn’t going to let that happen. So she needs to go blow dry her weave, put her skanky little outfit on and meet them in the ring. Why? Because thanks to Hogan and Bischoff, they have an offer for her that she cannot refuse.

Does this phase our adorable Vel Vel? Well, of course not. Even when Tagalong Papa tells her she’s stepped in it, she doesn’t skip a beat. “I may have stepped in it but at least I didn’t get it dumped all over me!” And that pisses Karen off and she tries to go after Velvet but all she does is wave her off and step back into her locker room while Tagalong pushes his wife away. Oh I so cannot wait for this. /sarcasm

In the spirit of Cinco de Mayo, we are getting a Mexican America celebration like only these four could put together. There are piñatas, streamers, mini flags and God only knows what else in the ring. By the looks of it, Sarita and Rosita are holding out even more piñatas while Hernandez demands someone to drop the colors with a sombrero on his back. Green, white and red confetti begins to fill the Impact Zone and he tells all us gringos to salute our new national flag. The crowd floods them with jeers while Anarquia starts rambling off in spanish, welcoming us to Cinco de Mayo. He tells us they celebrate the holiday to celebrate the Mexican army for winning the battle of Puebla. Orale!

Insert upper body shimmy and chest slap here.

Anarquia tells us that this is not our land anymore. The land will belong to them, Los Mexicanos! Orale! Then, in an effort to interrupt, Sarita takes the microphone and tells us that this is not a party without the spanish announce team. She invites Willie Urbina and Hector Guerrero down to the ring, telling them to BYOT, bring their own tequila. Shot glasses included. Meanwhile, while they make their way down, we get a USA chant from the crowd and little Rosita encouraging them. I get so sad when I see Hector. It makes me think of Eddie. Anyway, Willie goes to Sarita’s side and Hector goes straight to baby Rosita. Anarquia quickly points out Hector’s family heritage and his nice suit, mustache trim included. Right on, essa! Right on!

Then on to Willie, but not before Hernandez can whisper something random in his ear. Anarquia looks at Willie and asks him what he’s doing there, telling him that he’s not Mexican. He’s nothing but a BEEP…even though he only said filthy, Puerto Rican. And Sarita, being the loca that she is, starts the beatdown. She takes him down and Hector immediately goes to his side, attempting to defend him. They ramble back and forth in spanish until the mouthpiece of the evening tells him that if he’s with Willie, he isn’t with them and that he’s going to give them both a proper American burial. They bust out the American flags and start surrounding until the music of Ink Inc hits, getting a rundown from Jesse Neal and Shannon Moore. For those unaware, Jesse Neal was a 3rd Class Petty Officer in the U.S. Navy. Just a fact for ya.

It doesn’t take long for them to clear the ring and Mexican America are back up the ramp. No bids on Mexicans or Cinco de Mayo but in light of recent events with the death of a notorious terrorist, I find it invigorating to see Jesse Neal defend his country once again. He tells them that they don’t disrespect their country and they most definitely don’t disrespect their flag. Meanwhile, the Loco Latinas are running off at the mouth, waving their fingers and telling them that it ain’t gonna happen! But Jesse tells them to get their green cards and let the door hit them on the ass on the way out. Oh Americana. Something tells me they’re still going to enjoy the tequila, no matter what.

A bit later, we see the Jarretts backstage, walking to the ring. Karen looks determined and well, Jeff just looks like Jeff. A flash over and in another hall, we see Velvet Sky doing the same thing, ready for whatever is about to happen. I have to say that I don’t really care who the mistress is so long as it isn’t Velvet and I don’t have to think about her doing the dirty with Kurt Angle. *cringe*

Another flash and I’m starting to go blind. We see the “spy cam” peeking through a locker room door. Winter is sitting with a zombiesque Angelina Love, telling her it’s time for her medicine. OH MY GOD! Yes. I channelled Joey Styles there. This is the first sign we’ve seen of Winter actually giving Angelina pills! Winter tells her that soon enough she won’t have to take them anymore, she’ll wean her off them. It’s just that right now, she still needs them but soon, she won’t be fighting it anymore. Winter goes on to say that their souls connected a long time ago and that Angelina won’t remember but she does, very vividly, like it was yesterday. Okay creep. She’s crossed eons of time to find her again and now, she’s going to come back to her. And with a little kiss on the cheek, we have just stumbled into a rancid, evil love affair that travels back light years in space. TO THE FINAL FRONTIER!

Back from commercial, we get the Jarretts making their way to the ring. Karen looks a little stressed. Is that a gray hair I see? Not one to waste time, Karen goes straight for a microphone and tells Velvet to her skanky, wannabe Knockout Women’s Champion ass out there. NOW! The music of The Beautiful People hits and Velvet walks out, shaking her head. She makes her way to the ring and tells Jeff Jarrett to move back, threatening to slap the shit out of him again. Karen tells her that the mystery is over and the crowd jumps on the chant train, blowing “sloppy seconds!” at Karen. Velvet does a little dance and Karen tells her to keep it up. Please keep it up. It keeps Mama Jarrett from talking and that keeps my headache at a dull roar.

But..she keeps on. She tells her that she knew it all along, it was there all along. Every girl in that locker room has been a champion, except Velvet. And why is it that she continues to be passed over, or well, walked over? From what Karen hears, she’s been laying down quite a bit. Why is Tagalong cackling like the wicked witch? Mama Jarrett states that Velvet tied herself to a thoroughbred. Yes. She strapped herself to a horse and rode right over the victory stripe in the Kentucky Derby. Go SeaBiscuit, go!

Velvet hitched herself to his wagon and thought, oh, everyone is going to notice her now! But that isn’t going to happen. She isn’t going to use her relationship with Kurt to get at Karen. Velvet demands to know what relationship she’s talking about and Karen tells her that tonight, it is all going to come to a screeching halt. Velvet, who somehow came by a microphone, says “speaking of halts…” and puts her hand in Karen’s face only to get it smacked away. Tagalong, making like a divider, steps between them and attempts to make himself useful. You’re doing such a fine job, Tagalong Papa. Really. You’ve come so far, from being a champion to now being the divider of female squabbles. I applaud you.

Velvet says that she enjoys listening to herself talk so much, so she’s going to tell Karen one more time, what she’s already told her last week. Is everyone ready?! Brace yourself. Anunciating properly, she has no idea what she is talking about. And with a finger puppet, she asks what Chris Tucker made famous, “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!” She goes on to say that the only thing she and Kurt Angle have shared over the last four years is conversation and conversation only. There is no way she would ever sink so low as to sleep with someone…to get ahead in TNA. That’s more Karen’s style. And Karen is right about one thing only, Velvet has never been Knockouts Champion. But she has no problem waiting her turn and now that she and Angelina are BFFs no more, she has a goal to accomplish. What is that goal? To become TNA Knockouts Champion!

Now, if you’ll excuse her, Karen and Big Daddy, she has some important business to tend to that does not involve them. Velvet turns to walk away but Mama Jarrett gets grabby and jerks her back. What business would that be?! Taking are of Kurt’s needs? Giving him a massage? A nasty little lap dance? Oh, you wanna talk about lap dancing?! Karen is not fooled. She was fooled for ten years and Velvet tells her to hide behind the new one. Karen says that Big Daddy knows people and the baby talk included. He’s arranged for there to be a handicap match for later in the evening. Winter and Angelina versus V-E-L. Learn to spell, Karen. Geez! And when they’re done with her, Velvet’s not going to be in any shape to be a threat to Karen.

Cue the creepy music that belongs to Winter and out they stalk, Zombie Terminator with her eyes set on Velvet. She crawls into the ring like a wicked cat and Karen tells Winter to give her whatever she gives her and take Velvet out. But does the match begin? Of course not. The music of Kurt Angle hits and Velvet starts to celebrate as he makes his way to the ring. She even goes so far as to sit on the rope for him to step in. Kurt tells Jeff to relax, he comes in peace. Kurt says that the network rep he talked to earlier in the night trumped Hogan and Bischoff. The handicap match will go on but it’s going to be a mixed tag handicap match. Kurt Angle will be in Velvet’s corner(oh shit!) and Big Daddy will be in Winter and Angelina’s corner. He even goes on to say that Karen is going to get what she wants and he is going to get what he wants, her husband’s ass on a silver platter tonight. Kinky.

Oh it’s real. It’s damn real.

Velvet tells Karen that she wants to invite Karen to ringside with her husband tonight. Why? Because when she’s done with Morticia and her little zombie get up, she’s coming straight for Karen and she’s gonna beat her ass! She ain’t finished! Big Daddy starts taking off his jacket and tells them that ain’t happenin’! Velvet goes on to say that she is going to put Karen over her knee and do to her what her mommy should have done to her a long time ago, BITCH!


Christy Hemme, looking quite fierce, is back this week in the announce position. Our first actual Knockouts match of the night comes in the form of Miss Tessmacher versus Mickie James. The champ’s first title defense against the returning former secretary is bound to be…interesting. Tess is out first, her hair up in a bun. She shows off a little to the crowd and teases her hair down, flipping it up, making a big show before making her way to the ring. On the apron, she pops open her jacket to reveal a tiny purple top and drops the jacket on the camera. In the ring, she strips off her skirt to reveal tiny matching shorts. Thank God that’s over.

HARDCORE COUNTRY! The champion, Mickie James, skips her way to the ring and feeds to the crowd, showing off that gold strap. Mickie looks to be recovered from that shoulder injury and is ready to fight. But first, Tess takes off her glasses and checks them in the light, making another show of dropping them to the match. With no shame whatsoever, she pops down and shoves her bodacious booty right in Earl Hebner’s face. What was that Karen was talking about earlier with the skank thing? Ahem.

The two competitors circle each other and Mickie is quick to the get the upper hand with an arm wringer but Tess reverses, giving a bit of shock to Mickie’s shoulder. A side headlock and Mickie goes into the ropes, knocking Tess down with a block. Another bound into the ropes and Tess rolls down, Mickie cartwheels over and executes a nice dropkick. A trip up leads to a quick cover attempt but Mickie kicks out, sweeping Tess over and going for a pin of her own. Kick out and Tess is up, shoving forearm trades that takes both Knockouts across the ring. A sling into the far turnbuckle and Tessmacher is up on the turnbuckle. She pulls Mickie and sits on her shoulders, walking them out into the ring so she can go for a victory roll but it’s no good. Pardon me while I take a drink to catch a breather. Phew!

Tess goes for a kick but Mickie catches her foot, getting an enzuiguri kick to the shoulder for her effort. Down on the match, Tess puts her foot in Mickie’s chest and stretches out that injured arm, keying on that shoulder injury. Actually very smart for someone who didn’t know what they were doing four months ago. A wristlock leads to a fired up crowd and Mickie pops her multiple times in the abdomen but receives a harsh knee to the ribcage. A swing, a miss and down with multiple takedowns. A rough and tough hangwoman’s neckbreaker and she sets her up for that Mickie DDT. A pin with a three count and STILL the TNA Knockouts Champion, Mickie James! I can’t believe Tess carried that DDT like that considering how tiny she is. Apparently, neither can the two tyrants of TNA.

SHE’S A KILLER QUEEN! Strolling out to the ramp, Madison Rayne, accompanied by Tara, has a microphone and she tells Mickie she’s going to keep it short and sweet. She knows in them backwoods, they don’t give a very extensive vocabulary. Madison tells us that she was the longest reigning, most giving champion of all time! She went out of her way to give Mickie a shot, out of the goodness of her heart, when she was not contractually obligated to. Anyone seeing the look on Tara NonStop Action’s face? She’s all..girl, please. Now, Madison is asking Mickie to be just as gracious. Be the fighting champion she says she is and return the favor. Madison wants a rematch at Sacrifice, one more time, for her Knockouts title. The crowd, chanting “do it!” and Mickie, not one to disappoint, says that if Madison wants it, she’s got it.

But there’s a catch! At Lockdown, Mickie had to put her hair on the match so what is Madison going to put on the line for her rematch? Madison doesn’t skip a beat and tells her she’ll do anything to get back in the ring for that title. It’s a good thing she said that because her stipulation is, at Sacrifice, if she beats her then she gets back Mickie’s championship. But if, or when, Mickie wins, that little contact between Madison and Tara is finished. Over. Null and void. It means that Tara is free to resume her career without being attached to Madison. Whoa. Didn’t see that coming but hey, neither did Madison. She screams in Tara’s face then tells Mickie if that’s what she wants, then she’s got it! And with a little lip service, Tara thanks Mickie for her gracious and thoughtful devotion. Cue the harp.

skip to the 5:09 minute mark.

It is time for the main event and Morticia is back with Zombie Terminator, slinking to the ring like only they can. Tagalong Papa, Jeff Jarrett, joins them next with Karen flocking at his side. So special. They’re all matching in silver and black. Well, except for Karen, who is wearing that same red dress. Out next is Velvet Sky, who comes out with a big smile on her face. She points to all three women and points back to the stage, Kurt Angle’s music hitting as he rises from the bottom. He jogs down and wraps his arm around Velvet, who once again holds the rope for him to get in the ring. Everyone steps in between the ropes and Jeremy Borash…wait. Where is Christy?! Nevermind. Jeremy, apparently making the announcements, goes from each individual and does such an uber great job. Okay. I lie. I’m sleepy.

After a ten minute long introduction ceremony, the match is finally ruled to start and everyone steps outside the ropes. Winter and Velvet start things over and Winter sends Velvet into the corner after her attention is drawn by Karen. However, Velvet is quick to recover and sends Winter across the ring, monkey flipping back onto the mat. A couple of step down face busters to the knees and a rebound flying clothesline. Velvet is on fire! Or…not. A cold Winter breeze knocks out the flame and Zombie Terminator is tagged in. She takes Velvet by the hair but gets dropped with a jawbreaker, barely wobbling. Multiple shot attempts don’t even phase Angelina but a duck and a rebound spear drops her to the canvas.

A distractions by Karen and Velvet takes a hold of the Queen of the Mountain, telling her that she’s dead. But a kick from Angelina from behind sends Vel Vel out to the floor, where she’s taunted and picked up by Karen. Jesus. Not that I’m complaining but aside from commercials, have we had a break in Knockouts action?! Haha.

Speaking of which, we’re back and Terminator is laying the boots to a fallen Velvet. Then the fists and a cold stare to the referee when he starts to count her along. A tag into Winter and a double team suplex between Moriticia and her Frankenstein. Winter tells her get her but a failed elbow drop leads to Velvet tagging in Kurt Angle who storms in, much to the dismay of Karen Jarrett. The men mix it up, flashing around like light streams and I’m pretty sure Mama Jarrett is about to have a massive anxiety attack. After multiple exchanges and an attempted roll-up, Kurt Angle locks in his patented ankle lock and Jarrett could be done for. He reaches for the ropes but Karen reaches out her hand instead, getting herself pulled into the ring, trapped in the middle. Uh oh. Someone’s in twubble!

Velvet tags herself in and circles around Karen but, Big Daddy Tagalong moves over in front of her, which gives the go ahead for Terminator and Winter to get in the ring. They jump Velvet from behind and choke her against the ropes, beating down on her. But, a rebound against the ropes and Velvet gets a double DDT on both of them! A pin on Winter and Vel Vel gets the three count, winning it for her team. Kurt takes the mic and congratulates her, telling her he hopes it brings her one step closer to capturing the championship. VELVET4CHAMP!

Kurt turns his attention to Karen and tells her that this is her nightmare. Velvet wasn’t the chosen one because the chosen one is someone…or something that she can’t even fathom or think of. You see, the chosen one is going to take her out. She’s going to take her out for good so he can focus on Jeff, whopping his ass one one one without distraction. By the way, the chosen one will be here next week so they can meet, face to face. That is damn real, bitch! SECRET WORD! And what do they do to celebrate while Karen screams in frustration? Rile up the crowd, of course!

Thoughts: Wow. I couldn’t even blink without seeing Knockouts tonight! Definitely a fun and fulfilling show. I’m loving this “chosen one” storyline and I can’t wait to see who it is next week. I’m dying to see Karen finally get what’s coming to her. Definitely looking forward to seeing Velvet go after that Knockouts Championship. I’ve been rooting for her for a long time. Sorry if it’s long but hey! You got Knockouts action! I’m going to have to cut this thoughts section short this week because due to horrible weather changes, I am sick again. I’ve taken my meds and I’m going to bed so until next week, my lovies! xoxo

What did you guys think about this week’s Impact? Tell me about it!

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