Sunday, July 14, 2024

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Krissy Vaine’s Vainety Fair: Anatomy of a Grizzled Diva


krissyvf1Hey y’all and welcome to the first Vainety Fair! We can all applaud Melanie for the clever name for my new column. When I was pondering about what to write for my first contribution to Diva Dirt, I thought to myself… what can I talk about that would be interesting to the masses? I want to keep my audience captive, but I also want to keep it real. So I decided after much deliberation to use myself as the ‘butt of the joke’ and talk about the aging Diva. During my tenure as a full-time entertainer, I look back and believe that in the span of only about two years, I aged at least five to ten! How does this happen? Good question! I lived it and am still not completely sure but the proof lies in the pudding. Of course, I can look back now and laugh (I’ve managed to ‘de-griz’) but as this was going on in front of me, it was not so humorous and damaging to be truthful. It was heart wrenching and terrifying! You have to understand your ‘beauty’ tends to be the most important thing you’ve got as a female in the wrestling business. Unlike actresses, females in wrestling can never be too attractive. Jessica Biel has often stated that she hasn’t gotten specific movie or television gigs because she is too easy on the eyes… How is this possible, you ask? In acting there are different roles, different characters — the most beautiful woman in the world will receive an Oscar for dimming herself down to look ‘homely’ and ‘unattractive’. Now count how many homely women in wrestling ever ‘get over’, or better yet are ‘pushed’. Bet you can count them on one hand. I am happy to see that some places nowadays are thinking outside of the box and that is refreshing. But I can only speak of what I know…

krissyvf2I, one time tried to pitch a ‘nerd’ character while I was under contract and was actually quite good at it. Think Neil Goldman from Family Guy. I have a retainer I still have to wear at night, y’all! No joke! I sound ridiculous and look even more silly. However, it was kind of funny in it’s on way and I had an idea. Possibly a very good idea. Never have I been comfortable with being the so-called wrestling ‘sex kitten’, so I decided to suggest something different and actually portray that awkward stage that at some point in our lives, we all go through. I thought it would be brilliant for a babyface female to become this character’s ‘protector’ and help her emerge after many trials and tribulations as a beautiful swan. Redemption right? Wrong! Needless to say this ‘character’ did not go over so well with management… in fact, it was more like a turd in a punch bowl. So I was told to drop it and become as ‘sexy’ as I could be. Ugh. I was not happy, but this is the way you’re making a living so you do as you must. As I said on the Roundtable, it’s either be a ‘perfect 10’ or buh-bye Diva wannabe. Is this ridiculous? I think so… I conformed for a while, tried to be sexy. Eek! I’m not very good at that. Yes, I photograph well, but am I a sexpot in the ring? No and I don’t want to be. I think its tasteless and if you are talented, you are selling yourself short.

As far as careers in wrestling go for women your ‘look’ is the most important thing. Should that be put above talent? No, but alas this is the nature of the beast. Pictured, is a series of shots explaining my condition. You see this is the “Anatomy of a Grizzled Diva.” This is what long nights, even longer days, lack of sleep, dehydration, lack of nutrients, lack of food (may or may not be accompanied by an eating disorder), stress and no off season will do to you. I cringe sometimes looking at some of these photos but this is for the greater cause; to shed light on this condition and to help other ‘grizzled’ girls like myself. So I’m opening up to the world for a very good reason — to spread awareness about this ‘condition’. One that so many suffer from yet it goes untreated, unnoticed and undiagnosed. You see when things began looking better on the outside I had begun to get a little help from my local doctor. I guess you could call him an expert in perfection and beauty. I called him my savior.

krissyvf1My first visit to this miracle worker came in Atlanta, GA. A year and half after signing a ‘deal’, my face began to look every bit the age of the 26 years old that I was. If not much more… I began to see wrinkles I had never seen before. What was happening?? I had always prided myself on being so fresh faced in a sea of “rode hard and put up wet!” But this was all in the past. I was now beginning to become hardened and aged. Whether it be the training, the stress, the hard rock and roll lifestyle… whatever it was, it was it was evil and I was going to bury it. Grizzle, you will not get the best of me, I said to myself. I won’t let you! And then I discovered it! The answer to my prayers and my weapon against gravity itself. It was the ever so wonderful Botox. Quite possibly the most useful form of paralysis I had ever encountered and I was in wrestling! It was ingenius and glorious and I’ll have you know that within two weeks I was unable to make an ugly eyebrow furrow. Wow I had it figured out! I was onto something. Injections are where it’s at! Where my girls at? I had to tell everyone I knew about ‘the secret’.

krissyvf1So I decided to share the wealth, so I went and told one of my fellow Divas about my conquest and she too was enthralled. We all are looking to get that ‘edge’ after all, aren’t we? The two of us then decided that we needed lips and big ones at that. All the sexy bunnies and pin-up models had them. But what if you were like me and you weren’t blessed with full luscious lips? Well guess what? My ‘guy’ can give you what you want. Who cares if you look like a duckbill platypus when you leave the office? Girl, you are gonna be so fine in a week when those puppies settle down, so don’t you worry about the quacking noises you receive while walking down the street! They are just haters. And it doesn’t matter what God blessed you with, you can have whatever you want! A credit card is all you need!

Did it matter to me that the cost of these procedures were more than half of what I was receiving in salary a month? Or that the procedure itself generally wore off in about 2 months? Heck no! I didn’t care. I looked good… or so I thought and at that point in my life that was the most important thing. The girls on the main roster were long ‘in the know’ about my findings and all of the miracle ‘juices’ there are out there for us females. How do you think they stay looking good on the road over 300 days a year? Not by themselves, I can guarantee. They could’ve shared, but oh yeah, then they might lose their job to one of the younger girls. Tsk tsk. Now it never hurts to help someone. (I hear my mother’s voice in the back of my head right now!)

I feel it’s important to share this story and let everyone know that no one is perfect. What you see on TV is normally a lot of work, figuratively and literally. No one is a ‘perfect 10’ and if you see an image in a magazine that appears to be perfect it is normally Photoshopped. Wrestling Divas are especially prone to going to see the doctor frequently because when it comes down to it, our ‘look’ is really all we’ve got. And once that’s gone, what do you have at the end of the day? I got very caught up in the demon that is beauty. It’s a nasty, vicious cycle that ends every night with you trying to go to sleep, alone in a hotel room & wondering what good you really are? You are not what you may have been before in a prior life; whether you were a good student, an athlete, a nurse or a nerd turned into a lovely swan. What is so interesting is that these are the things that make you feel like a person and not an object. We take great pride in our attributes and virtues as human beings, so how empty must it feel when your only attribute to the world is looking good? Empty and unfulfilling. Unhappiness seems to find a way to seep through that Restylane, Botox and Juvederm. The ugly will eventually begin to rear it’s head from the inside out. And no amount of fillers can cover that up. I see this on television a lot. Look closely and I bet you can see it too. Ugly seeps out from the pores and you can see it. This is coming from someone who knows… it happened to me.

krissyvf1This is not an ‘anti -plastic surgery’ article. I’m very much pro-plastic surgery. However, “nipping, tucking and sucking” as the great Dolly Parton would say, will not fix all of your problems. I’ve taken the last few years to fix not only the outside but the inside. I’m still nipping, tucking and sucking — just not too obsessively. I don’t get judged on a daily basis on how I look. I’m in the fashion industry, so I use my knowledge to help others realize the own beauty. This is my small contribution to the world and though it may be miniscule, I’m making a difference in my own way. This does more wonders for my outer beauty than any ‘miracle doctor’ could do for me. I still believe in a good lip plump and chemical peel… Hey, you could never take all the “vain” out of Vaine. But overall I’m pretty happy with where I stand — a former ‘grizzled’ Diva!

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