Thursday, May 23, 2024

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The Tiffany Guide to Hard Justice: Hardly Any Justice


Warning: the following article might induce this reaction.

Last night, the 5th annual installment Hard Justice, marked a monumental moment in Knockouts history.  As you all already know, a new Knockouts champion has been crowned.  The reception surrounding this decision has been rather…controversial, to say the least.  An outrage has been ignited, and with good measure.  There are certain moments in professional wrestling that feeds the hand of those neither deserving nor rightful.  In this particular instance, the sole-victor and luminary of this contest was deprived of the proper acknowledgment that is only fit for a suitable champion, exposing an underlying selfishness and intolerance that still plagues the wrestling world.  An unfortunate event by which one Cody Deaner has fallen victim.  However, with every cloud comes a silver lining, and with good grace, I have every faith that this affliction will one day be eradicated.  Sure, the outcome may not have been what some of us would have hoped, but with time and patience, Cody Deaner shall overcome.  We shall overcome. For now, we must accept.

Cody Deaner may have walked out of the Impact Zone with the title, but unfortunately this is not so.  It has come to our attention that TNA has chosen to acknowledge otherwise.  There are no words to adequately the describe the amount of outrage expressed by Deanermaniacs worldwide at the result of a such a dishonorable conclusion.  Cody Deaner, the underestimated underdog from the meager upbringings of  the Alabama backwoods overcame the odds last Sunday by scoring the 1-2-3 victory in a hard-fought battle for the coveted Knockouts championship.  A contest that would surely go down in wrestling infamy was soiled by an injustice so present in today’s world of sports entertainment.  In a perfect world, the rightful champion would have been declared.  However, such stipulations have conveyed otherwise.  Thus, Cody Deaner fails to stand today as the TNA Knockouts champion.  What some would even liken to the “Montreal Screwjob,” thankfully, the remainder of the match was not nearly as unfortunate as the outcome.

Certainly a match-of-the-year contender, this now ironically titled event has gifted us with a wrestling clinic not seen since the days of Bret Hart.  Thus, you can imagine my enthusiasm in dissecting and analyzing each and every aspect of ODB and Cody Deaner vs. Angelina Love and Velvet Sky.  PWI, here I come.

Watch the match and more after the cut:

The ever-so-dashing and appropriate Beautiful People make their way into the Impact Zone with such class and poise that could rival that of Miss Elizabeth.  At the start of the match, the Champion and challenger square off.  ODB scoops up Angelina Love and drops her with her signature fallaway slam and kip-up.  ODB charges into the corner, but Angelina dodges.  ODB’s enormous bosom catches nothing but turnbuckle.  Angelina comes up behind with a sitout facebuster.  ODB kicks out at 2.  Angelina tags in Velvet Sky who lunges ODB into the corner.  Velvet proceeds to make squeaky noises resembling that of a plush toy as ODB knocks her down with a shoulder block.  ODB goes for the cover, but Velvet kicks out at 2.

The first few moments of this match is very useless and mundane.  That is until the true front-runner of the match, Cody Deaner is finally granted his moment to shine when ODB pulls Vel-Vel into their corner.  While ODB keeps Velvet locked in a hold, Deaner takes the opportunity to Layeth the Smacketh Downeth on Velvet’s derierre.  The Deaner carries Velvet into the corner for a series of smacks that are, dare I say, reminiscent of the historical ECW Chairshot Heard Around the World. ODB even gets in on the action.  Before the creepy ménage à trois can commence, though, Velvet manages to scurry away fast enough to tag in her partner.

ODB goes on the immediate offensive with a shot to the midsection of Angelina Love.  Angelina follows ODB to the corner and receives a big boot to the face.  ODB perches herself on the top turnbuckle.  Madison Rayne attempts to discourage ODB’s advances but is pie-faced for her troubles.  Velvet Sky is taken down as well.  This distraction allows Angelina to catch ODB by her boot and pull her down for 2-count.  The Beatiful People continue to cut the ring in half as we get some gratuitous shots of Velvet’s swelling ass.  Which gives an entirely new meaning to the term “Apple Bottom.”  Angelina Love has ODB grounded with a sleeper hold, but the challenger powers out.  ODB makes her way over to the Deaner and tags him in.

Deaner then proceeds to, for lack of a better term, “get some.”  The Beautiful People are not stealthy enough to overcome the epic physical force that is the Deaner.

The Deaner trips up Velvet into precarious position against the ropes.  “Somebody put a stop to this pervert!” are the pleas of a seemingly distraught Don West.  As if he is one to talk.  Meanwhile, the Deaner teases some calculated backdoor action on Velvet, the peculiar angle of the camera adding to the…subtlety of it all.  Right under the nose of the official, Velvet catches him with a blunt kick to the little Deaners with no penalty at the cost of the Beautiful People.  Which leads me to believe that Ginger is in cahoots with Mi Pi Sexy.  Somewhere, Slick Johnson is seething.

Angelina Love nails the Botox Injection (bicycle kick) right in Cody’s kisser.  In retaliation, ODB takes her down withe Lou Thez Press and to the outside.  Velvet sets Deaner up for the Perfume of Death, but Madison manages screw that up (no worse than Velvet has in the past, mind you).  So, Velvet gets an eyeful of what I presume is some “Juniper Breeze” and is mounted by the Deaner for a quickie…and the 3-count.  Much to the dismay of the Beautiful People, ODB is announced as the new Knockouts champion.  “Oh shit,” is right, Velvet Sky.  Cody celebrates with his woman.  However, the realization sets in as ODB takes a couple selfish laps in the six-sided-ring.  To my delight, Cody Deaner then goes on to do nothing short of showing her exactly who is boss, and he leaves with the title in hand.  Cody Deaner has possession of TNA’s women’s title while Velvet hawks a loogie in the center of the ring.  And all seems to be right in the world.

Meanwhile, the Beautiful People reconvene after the match.  Angelina looks on in disbelief as an apologetic Madison approaches cautiously.  Velvet points the finger at Madison,  arousing the two to ganging up on poor Madison before the two exit the ring in a huff.

Watch the match below:

• • • • •

TNA has been teasing some degree of tension among the Beautiful People, but last night seemed to be the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.  Just when I thought Madison was beginning to mesh well with the group.  It’s almost apparent that the group will not completely disband.  Instead, perhaps Velvet and Angelina with turn on Madison.  With the title now off of Angelina’s shoulder, this might be a way of easing them out of the picture to give other fueds in the division a chance to develop.  Regardless, without Mi Pi Sexy, Madison may not be at a total disadvantage.  I hear Kevin Nash is hiring.

Anyway, here’s hoping this “Battle of the Sexes” thing gets resolved soon.  Watching Cody Deaner walking away with his hard-earned victory was a sight for sore eyes that was stripped away from me us so mercilessly.  Victoria getting screwed over I could stomach, but this sort of tomfoolery against the Deaner, I simply cannot tolerate.  Oh TNA, why hast thou forsaken me?

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