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Impact Write-Up (August 11, 2011): Taramacher: The New Power Couple of Impact Wrestling

It’s like I am the central magnet for all things “technical difficulties.” Either that or there are little gnomes running around the Internetz messing with all my shit. I am writing this intro for the second time because apparently, when I sent it in Saturday morning, the write-up never went through. I didn’t save all of it because I just finished it in the post editor. I was busy, didn’t get a chance to check back until late and it was nowhere to be found. Diva Dirt ate my write-up. It isn’t an excuse. It’s the truth. I swear. Quit looking at me like that.

This past Sunday at Hardcore Justice, we saw a new crowning of the Knockouts Champion in Winter. We also saw a tag team match where the champs retained their golden straps of power. Then my birthday was on Wednesday, which lead into this week on Impact. We’re following up with the Knockouts to see just how hardcore they got at the pay-per-view. Two matches in store, one single and the other with a little two-on-two action. It’s another healthy serving of Impact Wrestling with plenty of Knockouts stirred in so let’s clear this dinner plate!

The singles match starts off the Knockouts action with Christy Hemme calling the ladies to the ring. I’m serious when I say this, please stop wearing dresses with belts. Honestly, girl, I don’t know where you’re shopping but please find a new store. SHE’S A KILLER QUEEN! Out first is the ever so doting Madison Rayne in my new favorite outfit. It looks like she’s cut her hair and darkened it a bit, crown polished on top. I adore her and so do the fans, if you can’t tell. HARDCORE COUNTRY! Her opponent, the former Knockouts Champion Mickie James, is out next and she’s looking pretty snazzy herself. Seems like the Knockouts have given themselves a bit of a makeover in the past couple of weeks. Love Mickie’s new hair.

It also seems like Mickie has recovered from the mess that Winter spit in her eyes at Hardcore Justice. However, she may not recover from the toddler-esque antics of Moody Madison. The bitchy Knockout on the roster screams her way through the match, playing possum and even using her shady technique to distract the referee. This leads to some kind of weird thumb/rake to the eye on Mickie, while the official gets rid of a bracelet. What is with the damage on Mickie’s eyes? I don’t get it but Moody doesn’t care. She claws at Mickie’s face and grinds her face into the mat, slamming her around. An attempt at her oddball leg-scissors head-drop knee stomp…I’m really sick of trying to figure out the name of that move. Haha. Regardless, it didn’t work.

Mickie rolls her over into a pin attempt but it’s no good. The exchange was far too awkward but the left hands on the comeback are not. A quick takedown and Moody once again attempts to beg for mercy. Mickie isn’t having it and spins around, landing that low dropkick. We’ve learned that this is a number one contenders match to face Winter for the title. Another pin attempt but only a near fall. Harsh forearm shots but Madison comes back with a looping elbow, only to get dropped like a breakfast pancake on a platter at Denny’s. Mickie kips up, goes up top and SLAM! with a Thesz Press from the top rope. The crowd is loving it and Mickie takes the time to play around, donning Madison’s tiara. She plays up to the crowd, even giving us a bow which seems to work in her favor when Madison goes for a running clothesline. She misses, rebounds off the rope and gets a kick to the gut for her effort. Into the DDT and Mickie James goes for the cover….1, 2 and 3! Mickie is the number one contender for the Knockouts Championship. I’m guessing rematch clauses don’t stand any ground in TNA?

In an effort to show the management team of Impact Wrestling how they’ve changed their ways, ODB and Jackie have been given one last chance. This tag team match is that chance. I imagine if they screw it up, they’ll just keep terrorizing the entire Knockouts locker room but I suppose we’ll find that out later. Their opponents are the Knockouts Tag Team Champions, Tara and….Brooke…Tessmacher. Okay. I saw that slip of the tongue at the pay-per-view but the emphasis that is laid on her real name just slays me. I’m just going to stick with calling them Taramacher and go from there.

They come out on the crotch rocket, matching in their red and black and show their love for one another in more than a few ways. In the ring, both teams look to be strategizing but it’s Jackie and Miss Tessmacher that start it off. I’m sorry, Brooke…Tessmacher. I don’t know if I can get used to that. I just trained myself to call her Tessmacher. Haha. Regardless, she’s got Jackie in a side headlock and ODB is screaming at her partner not to grab the weave. They have to behave. No snatching of the weaves today, ladies.

A rebound off the ropes and both women bounce off one another, but Brooke (I can do it!) hits Jackie with a dropkick. A spring off the ropes into a hip toss, drop toehold and damn, Brooke is wrestling it up with Jackie. I know you saw that! Haters to the left. Tara wants in so Brooke backs it up and in she comes, flipping over the ropes into the roll-up. It’s a no-go but it isn’t over. A nice arm/wrist lock on Jackie, who keeps grabbing at the weave. And ODB keeps reminding her “DON’T GRAB THE WEAVE! WE NEED OUR JOBS!” Their jobs depend on their attitudes in this match. Unbeweavable! But ODB is in with the tag and she gets tossed like yesterday’s garbage by Tara, who instantly goes for that arm lock. Pressure on the shoulder and Tessmacher wants in. She tries to hold up what Tara had going on but ODB is stronger, so naturally.

But Brooke is feisty and puts all her effort into running ODB into the corner. She hits the turnbuckles and drops down, giving the perfect opportunity for some asstastic booty poppin’! Holler! Brooke celebrates and ODB looks like she wants to take that cheap shot but the constant reminder of rehabilitation is lingering in the shadows. Eat your heart out, John Grisham! Ha! Back to the ring, Brooke goes for the roll-up but ODB ain’t having it. She kicks out and looks to make a victim out of Big Booty Brooke, but the petite brunette is quick. She sneaks over to Tara, tags her in and in comes Jackie. Both women are legal and quick on the fight. Another side headlock on Jackie but Tara goes into the ropes, nearly clocked by ODB.


They’re killing me with this trying to behave themselves. I’m pretty sure this is the first time they’ve ever done this in their entire life. Stopping each other from taking cheap shots. It’s seriously comedic to me. But the rebound back body slam to Tara is no joke. Neither is ODB going up to the top rope and dropping on her “yam bag”. Don’t ask me what the hell that is. It’s another Taz line. Insert a hard superplex from that top rope position and both women are down. The crowd is electric and it’s down to which woman can get the tag first. And it’s Tara! Tessmacher runs in and just starts taking out both ODB and Jackie but all the excitement soon leads to an unintentional double team. Uh-oh! You better check yoself before you wreck yoself! Jackie, being the voice of reason, stops the stomps before it gets too far out of hand.

Tara, the opportunist, sees the spot to run across the ring and spear the hell out of ODB when she steps away. This leaves Jackie vulnerable and Brooke, from behind, rolls her up and secures the win for her team. Regardless of their bully nature, ODB and Jackie suck it up and extend hands to Taramacher, slapping them away when connected. Still rude and crude but it doesn’t matter. The tag team champs have secured themselves another win and proven yet again that they are bound for dominance.

Thoughts: Sorry that it’s kinda blah and just me talking a bunch of hoopla but I wasn’t going to re-write the whole thing. It’s almost midnight and I’m tired but at least I re-wrote it. I just hope that the site loves me enough to go grocery shopping and never eats my post again. Haha. Anyway, great week for the Knockouts. Both matches were good, in their own right. Mickie/Madison was rather nerdicus but Taramacher/ODB&Jackie was really good. I love the dynamic of Taramacher and i have to say that Brooke gets better every week. Anyway, it’s past my bedtime. I shall see you darlings next week so until that time, my lovies! xoxo

What did you guys think about this week’s Impact? Tell me about it!

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